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After all we sail through every day with you men;)
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." |
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Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN |
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http://www.wowfunny.com/pictures/femaledrivers.jpg
Even really good Insurance |
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oops wrong thread
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and again...
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Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face. Why do little boys whine? They are practicing to be men. Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement. What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her. |
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Men & Women: The Difference!
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?' |
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She can say "Now!"(a demand for anything she wants only quicker than I'm doing it) "Mama", "Hello" (but it's more of a Tellytubby "Heh-Oh") "Why?" (when asked to move, come in, go out etc) "Am" (in response to me telling her she can't be hungry) "o-O-oH!" (when she realises she's going to the vet) Good grief man there are far more varieties than beige, off white and eggshell. Those three are TOTALLY different! How about ivory? cream? eau-de-nil? |
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Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded |
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sorry to all blokes but this is a pretty good one
MEN ARE LIKE......... 1.Men are like .......Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2.Men are like .. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. 3.Men are like.... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them. 4.Men are like ..... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5.Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6.Men are like .... Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 7.Men are like ...... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8.Men are like ..... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9.Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10.Men are like ..... Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11.Men are like.... Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12.Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. |
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Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wizened to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig! What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius. |
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I was married for 8 and together for 10....I would have been out by now.....hehehe
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Why does it take 3 billion (or so) sperm to fertilize one egg? because none of them will stop to ask for directions. |
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I've done it again. Lmao at this thread, and thinking I would contribute one you'd never heard (I'm thinking....I'm in Canada...I'm sure they won't have heard this one.) But alas Lettie beat me to it...in my zeal I didn't read Lettie's rendering of the joke...so to make up for it here is another:
A priest (vicar whatever) and a nun are in the desert, desperately lost with no-one around. They walk aimlessly for miles, when night begins to fall and the air turns cold. They set up camp for the night (a respectable distance between them of course.) After a time, just as the priest is almost asleep, the nun whispers to the darkness... "Father, I am so cold." And like a true gentleman, the priest gets up and finds her an extra blanket. A short time passes and again the nun complains of the cold. Again, the priest gets up and covers the nun with another blanket. The nun again cries out: Father I'm getting colder by the minute ! The priest seizes upon a new idea and says: " Listen, there's no-one around....why don't we - just for this one night - pretend we are man and wife ?" The nun is not at all sure, but looks around, and seeing that no-one would be the wiser, agrees. Says the Priest : " Get up and get your own f@@#$$%%^ blanket ! |
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Sorry for posting so many in a row. All of Lancashire is likely asleep now. It's about
5 - ish in the morning for you but not yet 11 pm (the night before) over here. I will attempt to get in on the action as it's happenning in future ....(if you can do it LittleMo, then by golly I'll try!) Anyway - I've had a great laugh reading these posts. (all in good nature Busman ! ) |
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Nice contribution Tina :) :rofl38:
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We wish..........
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Oooh noooooo! We'd have to clean out their cages!
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had nolessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and thehorse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steadyrhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terrorshe grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides downthe side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seeminglyimpervious to its slipping rider. Finally,she gives up her frail graspand attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now atthe mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struckagainst the ground over and over. As her head is battered againstthe ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to hergreat fortune..... Shadrack, the Pick'n Pay security guard sees her,leans over, and unplugs the horse. |
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:eek: I think you're very naughty Tinkerbelle:D :D :D
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http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...achmentid=3067 |
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Good one willow.
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Now, now Willow, thats not fair. Its horrifically unjust and a major insult...
to the ape.:rofl38: |
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put your hands behind your head then stand up and take a pee with your feet together and dont wet your toes..
when you ladies can manage that come back and we can talk :p |
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It doesn't show..but that bird is female...:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: |
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Nice one Busman, I should hope it is female, just look at the beak on it. lol
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Its a "girlie" thing.....:bootyshak http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3111&stc=1
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more proof if any was ever needed :D
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no wonder women are crap at D.I.Y :D
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That second seagull is so obviously a man - taking not a blind bit of notice of what the other one is saying.:rolleyes:
We saw a real lide version of that parking photo when we were in Ireland but unfortunately something happened to the memory card the photo was on and we don't have a record of it. |
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The National Road Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below:
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3116&stc=1 |
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Blonde passenger
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey..." asked the brunette at the wheel ,"Any cops following us?" The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah.......looks like it..." "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again...... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup. . ..." |
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Who says Christopher Columbus didn't need directions?
He set off not knowing where he was going. When he got there, he didn't know where he was. When he got back, he told people he had been somewhere completely different. Ring any bells, girls? |
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male chauvenists!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't.* There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course.* He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. |
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Says it all guys lol!!
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what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes..?
nothing because if she hasnt understood it the first 2 times it isnt going to sink in i will now excuse myself and run for the hills please forward any mail to the hut on the coppice where i will be hiding until mid july |
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Hope we haven't already had this pic but this thread is getting so long lol!!!
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Next you will be telling us the joke:::::::
What is the difference between woman and KFC, nothing once you have finished with legs and breast you just have a sticky box to put your bone in!!!!!!:D |
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How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up |
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The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%. |
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The Wifes Revenge
A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you? Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to! |
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Nice one pixie !!!
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WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" :rofl38: :rofl38: |
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We have now made 150 threads between us on the differences between men and women and everything has been said "tongue in cheek." It has been fun and I thank you all.
I now leave this thread with a small film clip that shows that love for the opposite sex can conquer all so just maybe, we have the same goals in mind, but just have a different way of applying them...take care ladies x http://www.frontsteps.com/creations/...p?t=1109380676 |
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SORRY!!:D Got sent this..and could not resist passing it on!
POINTS SYSTEM In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Tina (-4) Tina is a dancer (-6) Tina has silicon implants (-80) HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT] You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000) I think I have scored errr, minus sumfing........:p |
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Busman I have told you before please do not put things like this on at this time of night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the more I try not to laugh(stop waking hubby up) the more I snot everywhere and run back and foward to toilet.......................... GOOD ONE ANYWAY LMAO.:D
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As a Newcastle trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, And you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out Of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Newcastle, and I'm driving a f*****g Gritter!!!!! |
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FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, " ..let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box". |
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Can anyone spot the blondes in this photo????? (apart from the hair!)
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3223&stc=1 |
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Dogs Better Than Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. 6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 7. A dog's parents never visit. 8. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. 11. Dogs seldom outlive you. 12. Dogs can't talk. 13. Dogs enjoy petting in public. 14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day. 15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 16. Dogs like to go hunting. 17. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you. 19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?" 20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free. 21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad; they just think it's interesting. 25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater. 26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. 28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 29. Dogs are not allowed in Harrods or John Lewis. 30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff. |
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