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An easy way to commit suicide...lol
As Your Wife Gets Older, Be Patient With Her
"It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Willow to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday Accy web meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the cat, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Willow is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Willow on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile." Signed, Busman. (NB: Busman’s funeral was on Saturday, January 25th. Willow was acquitted Monday, January, 27th.) |
Re: An easy way to commit suicide...lol
BH....... Busman, you are really cruisin' for a bruisin' there. I hope you soon get used to walking on crutches and eating hospital grub!......Oh and I don't think you should expect any flowers unless it is a wreath of lilies for the funeral!
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:smack: .....................
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Willow..... I have a nice bed bat if you want to borrow it! Your hand isn't hard enough!
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What's a bed bat? Is it like a rug beater?
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Thank you for your sympathy Margaret, Willow does not need a bed bat, that slap really hurt:s_cry: ....but I just had to do it:D :D :rofl38:
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Willow... you surprise me..... it is like a baseball bat, but you take it to bed with you and when the ol' feller thinks about getting a bit intimate.....you cool his ardour with the bed bat. it is a very effective form of contraception!
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Busman... you deserve it..... it is a good job I can't reach you too!
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ooer ...................
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Yeah Willow...... that's what he would be saying! with perhaps an added OUCH!
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And I've just seen that you are going to marry him....well congratulations to both of you! I hope you will be very happy......well, if he lives that long, I mean!
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If i did'nt know you busman i would have to call you a M C Pig.lol
i'm sure willow will find a way to get back at you, cant wait to see what she has in store. |
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Hehehehe... I know someone with that kind of attitude Busman but luckily I divorced him.:D I had to divorce him, I couldn't find anyone brave enough to give me an alibi..:knife:
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:surprise: I guess I'd better be careful what I say and do then, Lettie. :rolleyes: :D
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OK, as I am not the flavour of the week with all you ladies out there, I have decided that I will go totally chauvanistic just to get it out of my system. Tomorrow, I will be my usual caring self......but tonight the devil is in me:s_evil:
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oooo, busman i like the idea of the 3rd picture, good one for using space , by making special ones for motorbikes, scooters, cycles etc: never thought of having triangular ones though, i think i will suggest it next time i go to asda//
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I've got a hammer and screwdriver set not unlike picture five. :D
When I was on holiday in Ireland once years ago we were in a hotel which had the old round electricity sockets (same voltage but different fitting) and I couldn't plug my hairdryer in. I borrowed a plug to swap with the one I had on it and my (male) friend was curious as to how I'd managed to change the plug without asking for a screwdriver. Easy! I just used the metal nail file in my manicure set. I never use those for my nails anyway because they aren't very effective but the ones with a blunt end make excellent emergency screwdrivers. |
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Willow, you've got more in your head than mucky water!
Wherever I go and someone asks for something, sticky tape, aspirin, tape measure etc I can usually find it or something as a substitute in my hand bag........my work colleagues used to rib me no end about it. |
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I have a little story to illustrate something similar.
I am a Sunday school teacher for the 10-12 age group at our church and my "Sunday bag" contains all manner of things from chalk and blue tack to visual aids etc to make the lessons interesting. A little while ago whilst our church was being decorated we had several Sundays where we met in a school building. This was great for most of the classrooms as they had chalkboards etc but the women's group met in the school library and that was somewhat lacking in facilities. I'd been seconded into there to join them one week for a lesson and I had my "magic bag" with me. Someone had kindly brought in a mobile chalk board but there wasn't any chalk - cue my bag, from which I produced a packet of chalk. Then of course we needed to rub out what we'd written and again in my bag there was a duster. Someone wanted to pin up a poster and into play came my bluetack. Then we were going to learn a song but the lady teaching us said it would have been much easier if we'd had a piano - from my bag I produced a miniature 2 octave keyboard so we had music. At the end of the class a few people said what a long wait they would have for a bus as they'd just missed one and they weren't very frequent from there on a Sunday to which somebody piped up "Ask her - she's probably got one of them in her bag an 'all!" |
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To get back to the "plot".
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I like that one Willow... you should send that story up to one of the womens mags, I'm sure you would get a prize for it.
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I was going to post a couple of definitions like: What is the difference between BSE and PMT? One is Mad Cow Disease and the other is an agricultural problem If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long What is the difference between a battery and a wife? A battery has a positive side ....but I won't as I am now reverted back to that kind appreciative fiance that you know and worship;) xx |
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................................. |
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Busman....... What is the definition of PMT
Answer.....Putting up with Mens' Tediousness! And if they could put one man on the moon why can't they put them all there? |
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Sorry Willow.....I am maligning the man you love, but in oh such a good natured way!
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hehehe what an interesting conversation it made me laugh anyway.
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Just to help out here either of these any use?
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:rofl38: :rofl38: What 'ave you done Bazf?? There I was, quite content not to put any more definitions in like:
What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman What should you give a woman that has everything? A man to show her how to work it Why are there no female asronauts on the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet and then you start me off again!!:end: :bye2: :hidewall: Marg P and Willow will be out to get me now:hitting8: :bleedht: |
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Your very close Less but not spot on....its very hard, I only know because I have the answer sheet in front of me.
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If men are so smart how is it that they cannot follow simple instructions, get the woman in their life to fill out all the forms......except the racing form.
I once heard a man on a stall at Blackburn Market say he would never understand women as they were 'queer folk'.......I came back quickly with the quip 'well, God made them to match men'! |
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Sorry Busman but you asked for it...:D
. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. . Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask directions. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. What is the difference between men and women... A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" :D |
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Busman, Iwant to help you so I was wondering if you had come acroos these for your collection
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Always up for a bit of friendly male bashing...:D
What is the difference between garbage and men? Garbage gets thrown out and stays out! How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. Men are proof of reincarnation. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime. A man finds his wife in bed with another man. What are you doing? he yells. See,she says to her lover, I told you he was dumb. When would you care for a man's company? When he owns it. |
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Another one for you...... How can you tell when a man is lying???????
Answer- his lips are moving! |
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When I said male bashing I meant with this... http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=...with_nails.jpg Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. Two new additions to periodic table of elements: |
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Willow.....take note, the picture that Pixie has posted is a bed bat with spikes in...... they do more injuries but they do have a habit of not just ruining the man but also the mattress......now you can get a man anywhere, but a good mattress costs money!
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I'll save it for when we go camping at that rate. ;)
Q. Why are men like a lava lamps? A. Some of them look quite attractive, some of them even look interesting but none of them are very bright. |
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Female Hormones in Beer
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the Travis Company fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, ---- and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned.:p :p :rofl38: |
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WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No. 2. No = Yes. 3. Maybe = No. 4. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. 5. We need = I want. 6. It's your decision = The correct decision should obvious by now. 7. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. 8. We need to talk = I need to complain. 9. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to. 10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 11. You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. 12. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 14. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. 15. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like. 16. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. 17. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. 18. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. 19. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead. |
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Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men..........................A WOMAN!
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What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." |
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love it, love it, love it Pixie.
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http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3033&stc=1I COULD NOW DO WITH SOME HELP AND SUPPORT LADS, THANKS TO PIXIE, I AM BEING OUTGUNNED:worthy: :help:
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WOMAN- - - |
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Happy to help old mate
New Summer Seminars for Women The Car Bonnet Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non-Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Car Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Car Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way |
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Hope this one helps as well
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only |
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_ujv='1.5';_ujv='1.4';_ujv='1.3';
A two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down - Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A) |
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Training Courses Now Available for Men:
============================= = > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop = > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge = > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral = > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead = > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! = > 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away = > 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back = > 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! = > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In = > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In = > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink = > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! = > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! = > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill = > 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts = > 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves = > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! = > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means = > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's = > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category = > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote = > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh = > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet = > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed = > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! = > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty = > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them = > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime = > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It |
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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY:
1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim ? 2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in ? 3. A fake one will do. 4. You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job. 5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it. 6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body. 7. My mother is a real old bitch. 8. No, no, you buy me too much already. 9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it. 10. What headache ? 11. Put your money away, let me buy the round |
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Womens Conference
At an international woman's conference the topic for discussion was how to empower women in the home. The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said;"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw no result ; after the second day I still saw nothing but after the third day he did his own washing!" The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights. The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result after the second day I still saw no result but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us!" Again the conference applauded. Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing,after the second day I still saw nothing but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye!!" |
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Whats the point in suicide
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Er, it's a joke thread. It's like "yer takes yer life in yer hands to criticise a woman"
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3023&stc=1 |
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I still think you are ahead Pixie on points.
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A little support then
Rules Men Wish Women Knew 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together |
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you didnt work all that out on your own Sarnie.......you haven't lived long enough.
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MOODS OF A WOMAN
------------------------------------ An angel of truth and a dream of fiction A woman is a bundle of contradiction She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse She'll break open his head and then be his nurse But when he's well and can get out of bed She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind She'll call him a king, then make him a clown Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man Or make him her lackey to carry her fan She'll run away from him and never come back But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad ------------------------------------ MOODS OF A MAN ------------------------------------ Horny. |
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If Women Ran the World
A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing. Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered Macho The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy. Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season. Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey. Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. Ms. Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models. Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures. Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep, I'll take care of the baby, etc. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single. During mid-life crises, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys. Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly. After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks. A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets. |
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Go get 'em Pixie!!!!!
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Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. |
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A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.
This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used." |
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Nice one Bazf. Are you defecting to our side?
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No it was supposed to go in Joke of the day and I only just realised it, so maybe theres some truth in it http://www.luxweb.co.uk/%7Eaccringt/...es/redface.gif
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Oh, Basf, WHAT have you done?? Had a blonde day?:rolleyes: http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3035&stc=1
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Never mind Bazf. You're a bloke so its hardly surprising...:D
You can be an honourary woman if you really want..?:D |
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heehee.
He's just illustrated the point for us nicely. |
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And Busman keeps posting sinister white boxes with red crosses...should I be worried?:eek:
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Yeah, Pixie......I've got those too........thought it was something I said!
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Oooh that's strange because I see the image and he didn't post it from this PC. Have you tried clicking on it to "show image"
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Still no luck Willow in viewing them.
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Any luck with these?
I think it's the way he does it. lol |
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Perfect. That club needs a few nails in it though.:D
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Never give up one slip is not a defeat...... we are back
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman,' Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?" |
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Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?" |
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Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." |
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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a beautiful meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my dear, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a feast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so." |
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What Women dont realise and what men really mean.
I’m hungry = I’m hungry I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy I’m tired = I’m tired Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I’m bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let’s have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different! Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you |
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BEDTIME PRAYER FOR WOMEN..
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, One whose willy is thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed. One who pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my back & begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind. Knows just what to say when I ask, "How big is my behind? One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin', in the hall, the pool, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempts to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the **** Head you sent me instead!!! Amen Men are always complaining that women are suffocating them. Personally I think if you can hear them whining, you aren't pressing hard enough on the pillow. |
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Women and computers....... and why women cant fix cars
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25 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:
You can enjoy a beer all month long Beer stains wash out You don't have to wine and dine beer Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball When your beer goes flat, you toss it out Hangovers go away A beer label comes off without a fight Beer is never late Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer Beer never gets a headache After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head A beer always goes down easy You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty You can share a beer with your friends You always know you're the first one to pop a beer Beer is always wet Beer doesn't demand equality You can have a beer in public A beer doesn't care when you come A frigid beer is a good beer You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony |
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Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Gas (at either end) is cool. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. |
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Reasons why its great to be female
1. We can get laid anytime we want. 2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar. 3. We go to the loo sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk. 4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying. 5. We avoid speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg. 6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class. 7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret. 8. We can marry rich and then not have to work. 9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates. 10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is smile sweetly. 11. Men light our cigarettes for us. 12. Men hold the door open for us. 13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!). 14. We're cuter. 15. We lie better. 16. We're better manipulators. 17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch. 18. We always have food in the fridge. 19. We don't worry about losing our hair. 20. We always get to choose the movie. 21. We don't have to mow the lawn. 22. We don't have to take out the rubbish. 23. We don't have to paint the house or walls. 24. PMT - yet another excuse to bitch at men. 25. Cosmopolitan. 26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole. 27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold. 28. PMT is a legal defence for murder. 29. Men are like tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever. 30. We can masturbate more in a day than men can. 31. 2 words - multi orgasmic. 32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals. 33. Sweat is sexy on us 34. We never run out of excuses. 35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often. 36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the tv too. 37. We get expensive jewellery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back. 38. We get candy, flowers and jewellery all the time because men mess up so often. 39. We can give the look that will make any man want to cower in the corner. 40. Women are cleaner. 41.Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know). 42. We're better arguers. 43. We don't always have to think with our genitals. 44. Massage!!!! 45. Women know how to fake it.. 46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night. 47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men. 48. We're flexible. 49. Better Tips 50. There is no penis envy. |
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ffffffffffffffffffffhttp://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3056&stc=1
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10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
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TGIF A blonde gets in an elevator and sees a man standing there. She tells him, "TGIF, sir," to which he replies, "S-H-I-T, ma'am." Surprised, she replies, "Excuse me, I was just trying to be nice , TGIF stands for 'Thank goodness it's Friday.' The man replies, "**** stands for 'Sorry honey it's Thursday.' |
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Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman
1. Whine 2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get mad when you are believed. 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 5. Whine. 6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy. 7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love. 10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life. 11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible. 12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs. |
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There is hope for us men yet Bazf,......we have Pixie beating a retreat!!!
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Quote:
FERRY :p |
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Ooh Darling, I just love it when your hackles are up!!!!!
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For those that are confused, Willow has arranged a holiday in N. Ireland for a few days next week, I get violently seasick just standing by a canal on a windy day..........so she has booked up a ferry to Ireland!
This is female vindictiveness at its peak! But being a man, I have agreed to go with her!!! (A flight would have cost 4x as much and I am paying) Please think of me with sympathy while I am spewing into the Irish Sea!!!! |
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GOOD ON YOU WILLOW..................... you go and enjoy your self while someone else is seeing the sea close up hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
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http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...ems/ribbon.gifLovely Pink RibbonPleasure: 50
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...items/bell.gifBell on a RopeBell on a ropse so you dont lose itPleasure: 10 http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/i...items/ball.gifIlluminous BallHigh visibility ball Slinky, With a "lovely pink ribbon, bell on a rope and illuminous ball," you just have to be bios towards women......:s_pfff: |
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LMAO COME on US WOMAN KNOW WHATS SCARY AND WHAT IS NOT hehehehhehe and sailing is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo not scary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D
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