Handy Hints and Tips

[WillowTheWhisp]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the loo before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place dog poop in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90%, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

HOUSEWIVES To see if Daz really does remove all stains, circle the stain with a black marker pen first so you know where it was.

MOTHERS If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

CLUMSY? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

DON’T WASTE MONEY buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an Ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

OLYMPIC ATHLETES Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

MOTORISTS Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen and sticking half a melon skin on you head.

NISSAN MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A MOUSE TRAP placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

STAR TREK CAPTAINS. When your ship is in imminent danger of being destroyed, save a great deal of hassle by thinking of the last thing you could possibly try, which might just work, and do that first.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

AT SUPERMARKET CHECKOUTS a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for illiterate shoppers.

CREATE a more relaxing atmosphere in your fridge by installing a dimmer switch..

ANNOY NEIGHBOURS by buying a TV set exactly like theirs. Then, when they are watching TV stand outside their window and change the channel using your identical remote control.

DON’T WASTE TIME sorting laundry by colour. After washing all clothes together several times they will turn a similar shade. Then you will never have this decision to make again.

STUDENTS Emphasise your individuality by all wearing the same clothes, having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised beer that tax payers provide.

RE-SPRAYING YOUR CAR? Cover it with cling film first. If you don’t like the new colour simply peel it off and start again with another.

SAVE MONEY on expensive nicotine chewing gum by chewing ordinary gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time.

FOOL NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

[MUMMIBOO]

you kill me willow, you really do.

[slinky]

Nice one willow.................these were very good, and i might be temted to do some of these.

The one that sticks in my mind is................' fold you neighbours Ariel to make a nice coat hanger in a emergency' mmmmmmmmmmm .