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. "I can't find it."
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work."
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "Will you Marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my housemates have moved out, I can't find the
washing machine, and there's no beer left.
4. "It's a man thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain."
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately."
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and tits.
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of A-Team, the address
of the first girl I kissed, and the number plate of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them in the shop was a real babe, and
was wearing a bikini thong.
16. "Oh, don't worry, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
admitting I'm hurt.
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my tea.
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope
I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days
yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could
be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free lighter night with every 5 beers.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my socks, the kids are hungry, and we're
out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of cocking it up without printed
directions.
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