Right im feeling brave (had a few hahaha) here goes
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore a program to phase out older peronnel by the end of the current year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Severe Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropiate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Servance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has recieved HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our :
Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees recieve. We have given our employees more **** than any other company in this area. If any employee feels they do not recieve enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you recieve all the **** you can stand.
And once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore a program to phase out older peronnel by the end of the current year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Severe Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropiate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Servance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has recieved HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our :
Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees recieve. We have given our employees more **** than any other company in this area. If any employee feels they do not recieve enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you recieve all the **** you can stand.
And once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
