In the eighteen months since Parkinson's was first diagnosed, I think I have been filled with guilt about being a benefit scrounger. Even though my income has dropped to around four grand a year now, I'm hardly left rolling about in it.
Perhaps that's why I dream about work so much, I don't know. As well as enjoying the lifestyle earning money gave me, I really did love my job. I think when you're single your career becomes more important in your life, and it did give me a lot of satisfaction. My job was my baby.
Anyway, after the fateful day when Dr Tidswell, my neurologist, told me last November that I would never be able to work again, I've had a year to get my head round that pearl of information. I have been feeling the best I have these last few weeks ever since I started taking the drugs. I'm still struggling when I get out of bed, but the rest of the day, for the past couple of weeks I've been fairly good, touch wood.
As I said I've stopped feeling guilty. I'm enjoying feeling better than I did. I don't care if people look at me and think there is nothing wrong with me. I live with the knowledge that in the future the probability is I will be a shaking mess. Worse case scenario, unable to speak or walk, and God knows how long I will be able to safely drive for. I know that, other people don't when they see me larking about and having a good time.
So guilt is out the window. I'm going to make sure I have the best quality of life I can for as long as I can, and damn the consequences, as long as I don't hurt anyone besides myself.
So the next time I'm dancing on a table, I may look ungainly but I won't be looking guilty.
Perhaps that's why I dream about work so much, I don't know. As well as enjoying the lifestyle earning money gave me, I really did love my job. I think when you're single your career becomes more important in your life, and it did give me a lot of satisfaction. My job was my baby.
Anyway, after the fateful day when Dr Tidswell, my neurologist, told me last November that I would never be able to work again, I've had a year to get my head round that pearl of information. I have been feeling the best I have these last few weeks ever since I started taking the drugs. I'm still struggling when I get out of bed, but the rest of the day, for the past couple of weeks I've been fairly good, touch wood.
As I said I've stopped feeling guilty. I'm enjoying feeling better than I did. I don't care if people look at me and think there is nothing wrong with me. I live with the knowledge that in the future the probability is I will be a shaking mess. Worse case scenario, unable to speak or walk, and God knows how long I will be able to safely drive for. I know that, other people don't when they see me larking about and having a good time.
So guilt is out the window. I'm going to make sure I have the best quality of life I can for as long as I can, and damn the consequences, as long as I don't hurt anyone besides myself.
So the next time I'm dancing on a table, I may look ungainly but I won't be looking guilty.
