So...A year has passed.
A year of not having Ma here to look after.
A year of no Mother's Day, no birthday, No Christmas....no cheery greetings, no grumbles (when having to go for Dr's visits) a year of no lavatorial humour(we always seemed to descend to that level regardless of how we might try to avoid it),a year of no phone calls to tell me of some TV program she thought I might enjoy.
It has been a very tough time...but not in the sense that I have been broken with grief, but in the sense that I have had to battle siblings to sort out Ma's affairs.
I am not the sort of person who delights in conflict(believe me, I have learned there are those that do) in fact I go out of my way to try to avoid it.
That said, when it is shoved up your nose....well, you have to deal with it.
I have learned that when it comes to nastiness, no one can hurt you like family.
Well that is because they know where your soft bits are.
I learned that I can be as cutting as the next person....and that just because someone is a blood relative does not confer any special privileges when they are treating you like something they walked in....and need to scrape from their shoe.
I learned that those toxic people need to be excised from your life, cleanly and clinically with no looking back...no second glances, no second chances.(I will be having ceremonial cremations for these two in the coming weeks....that sounds very harsh, but it is what is happening...they are gone from my life as if they were dead....but not a tear will be shed for either of them)
This has been what has caused me the greatest sadness. That at a time when we should all have been giving each other support, there were two greedy grasping men....who did nothing for their mother in life, caused trouble(real legal trouble) after her death....and sought to break me.
Yet, through it all my focus was on what my dear Ma would have wanted....because I knew exactly what that was....she had told me....it was engraved on my heart.
I followed her wishes and know that I did everything to make sure what she wanted was done for her.
I have no grief stick to beat myself with.
I spent yesterday in Manchester.
In the big city you can be on your own with your thoughts....no one is concerned about who you are, or what you are dealing with in your life.
I lit candles in St Ann's....one for Ma and one for my sister in law(living with terminal illness).
I had lunch out and raised a glass to Ma and the fact that I am still standing and better still....smiling.
A year of not having Ma here to look after.
A year of no Mother's Day, no birthday, No Christmas....no cheery greetings, no grumbles (when having to go for Dr's visits) a year of no lavatorial humour(we always seemed to descend to that level regardless of how we might try to avoid it),a year of no phone calls to tell me of some TV program she thought I might enjoy.
It has been a very tough time...but not in the sense that I have been broken with grief, but in the sense that I have had to battle siblings to sort out Ma's affairs.
I am not the sort of person who delights in conflict(believe me, I have learned there are those that do) in fact I go out of my way to try to avoid it.
That said, when it is shoved up your nose....well, you have to deal with it.
I have learned that when it comes to nastiness, no one can hurt you like family.
Well that is because they know where your soft bits are.
I learned that I can be as cutting as the next person....and that just because someone is a blood relative does not confer any special privileges when they are treating you like something they walked in....and need to scrape from their shoe.
I learned that those toxic people need to be excised from your life, cleanly and clinically with no looking back...no second glances, no second chances.(I will be having ceremonial cremations for these two in the coming weeks....that sounds very harsh, but it is what is happening...they are gone from my life as if they were dead....but not a tear will be shed for either of them)
This has been what has caused me the greatest sadness. That at a time when we should all have been giving each other support, there were two greedy grasping men....who did nothing for their mother in life, caused trouble(real legal trouble) after her death....and sought to break me.
Yet, through it all my focus was on what my dear Ma would have wanted....because I knew exactly what that was....she had told me....it was engraved on my heart.
I followed her wishes and know that I did everything to make sure what she wanted was done for her.
I have no grief stick to beat myself with.
I spent yesterday in Manchester.
In the big city you can be on your own with your thoughts....no one is concerned about who you are, or what you are dealing with in your life.
I lit candles in St Ann's....one for Ma and one for my sister in law(living with terminal illness).
I had lunch out and raised a glass to Ma and the fact that I am still standing and better still....smiling.
