Steve's Handy tips

expat

expat

Local
Weaver
When leaving your house empty,nip across into your neighbours garden and prize open one of their windows. This will make their house a far more attractive proposition to burglars than your own.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling your bath with cold water adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it before jumping in.

If you have a squeaking door,leave your house and walk fifty yards down the street.from this distance it is unlikely you will be able to here it.

Stay tuned for more handy tips
Steve
 
If your neighbours have a dog that craps all over the place, scoop it up and shovel it through their letter box at dead of night. This will drop a hint & also keep the flies out of your kitchen the following morning.
 
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
erased.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
 
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
 
AccyStanFan said:
classic

reminds me of the ol' nyttol may cause drowsiness warning :)
Click to expand...
Don't forget the warning on a packet of KP salted nuts - MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS
 
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

And my Favorite...........
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.
 
GREENGROCERS Why throw away old,shrivelled unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it Organinc Produce and charge twice the usual price.

Skin a tomatoe by simply eating it. Hey presto! the next you are left with just the skin in the toilet ball.

A Tub of margarine sent via interflora,is the perfect romantic gift for a girl who likes making sandwiches.

Reduce wear and tear on your work clothes by 20% by simply staying in bed on Mondays and not going to work.
 
By jogging to work behind the bus I am able to save 96p a day in bus fares

IF your going to San Francisco be sure to wear flowers in your Hair

Girls.... If you are to old to go on 18 to 30 holiday. Simply get ****ed lie in a sandpit and shag every bloke who looks over your fence

Supermarket Chicks.... Why not simply have love bites tattooed on your necks. That way there would never be any danger of you being without one .
 
PLAY "McDonalds Drive Thru" with your kiddies by getting them
to ride past the living room window on their trycicles and order
what they want for tea. Then let them ride round to the
kitchen window where you hand them something completely different
to eat. Unless they orderd fish fingers, in which case you tell them
to park on the flower bed and wait for half an hour until they are ready !!!
 
:lol:
​


Ya, thats good is that, nice one.
attachment.php
 
Avoid 'Red Eye' when taking flash photographs by sticking a small piece of black tape over the flash bulb on the front of your camera.
 
Make your own orthapaedic car seat cover by sewing conkers onto a string vest.


Farmers. Don't throw away those old pairs of rubber gloves. With the ends of the fingers cut off they make sexy 'peep hole' bras for cows.
 
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed. :)

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident. :)

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn
thing in the first place, you fat gits. :)

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's backside, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them. :D

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls. ;)

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away. :D
 
A tip for all you electricians and wire monkeys out there:

When removing insulation from a cable with a sharp knife... Never cut towards your thumb. Always cut towards your chum! :thumbsup:
 
Good one.

Whats a wire monkey? lol
Is it similar to a monkey post?

Just joking.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top