Steve's Handy tips

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower

Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the
stuff straight down the pan.
 
Plastic tops off smartie tubes maake ideal frisbees for a pet gerbil or hamster.

Pop tarts make deal radiators for dolls' houses.


Small lengthsof rubber make ideal 'skin tight body suits' for worms. Roll them in talcum powder first to ensure a comfortable fit.
 
Don't try this at home, kids.

If you are ever plagued by seagulls, firstly gain their confidence by throwing pieces of bread to them.
Once they no longer see you as a threat, substitute the bread for half an alker-seltzer, then watch them fall out of the sky faster than a lead ballon when the tablet goes 'plink-plink-fizz' in their belly. :nono8:
 
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Girls.

Take an empty cigar tube fill it with wasps & shake it. Hey, there you are, an inexpensive vibrator... and no batteries to go flat!
 
Engineers.

Have all you sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, you will be getting paid for it!
 
Nissan Micra Drivers.

Attatch a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before setting out on a journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
 
If you suffer from Halitosis. Simply regulate your breathing, so that you are breathing out at the same time as everybody else. :D
 
Better still, make it look like you are breathing in while someone else breaths out.
That way, they get blamed for the stink !
 
Housewives:

When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
 
Taxi Drivers.

Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*ck you're going!
 
Bus Drivers

Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. :D
 
Old telephone books make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names
and addresses of people you don't know.:)


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an
expensive car phone by holding an old TV or
video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.:)


Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid
tuna. You might find that the subsequent food
poisoning will enable you to lose 12 pounds in
only two days.:)


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave
your car parked illegally.:)
 
Create 'chocolate-flavoured' toothpaste by simply eating a Mars bars whilst brushing your teeth.

Does/did anyone here read the Top-Tips section in Viz? Some laugh-till-you-cry classic in there over the years.
 
Late for Work?

Tape a mousetrap to the top of your alarm clock. Never again will you fall asleep when you reach for the snooze button. :D
 
When purchasing a new 3 piece leather suite costing over £2.5k it pays to make sure that it actually fits in your living room. :D
 
Short of Money?

Buy the kids a set of batteries each at Christmas, with the message, "Toys not included!"
 
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