They say 'you can't hurry love'.
You can't hurry grief either.
This blog is in response to Rob's blog about dealing with loss.
We say that we 'deal' with loss as though it is an active thing.
I am not sure it is active.
It might be reactive.
Every person deals with grief and loss differently.
There is no right way to do it.
There is no wrong way to do it either.
After a loss we feel as if a bomb has gone off in our life.
As if a tornado has swept in and moved everything...and not just moved things, but removed things.
The things that were important, the things we depended on, the things we clung to.
As a result of this we feel rudderless, adrift and lost.
We do whatever we can to try to make things 'normal'.
Though in truth, they will never be normal again.
We do things automatically.
Get washed, get dressed, make a meal....go to work because these are normal.
It is hard to smile, harder to laugh.....we cry...or sometimes we don't.
If we don't, we feel like we should, and that maybe we are heartless if we don't.
All these are parts of grief and loss.....I think we sometimes forget that grief is not just reserved for death, but loss of a job creates its own kind of grief....a break up with a partner is a loss and creates grief.
A disability is a loss too and creates a grieving of its own.
When I was working I dealt with ladies who lost babies.
They and their husbands had lost something they were looking forward to...their hopes were dashed.
I used to speak to the husbands separately and tell them that they were grieving alongside their wife, but that grieving for them would be like train lines....the destination was the same, but their grief would be separate....the lines would never touch or cross.Neither would know exactly what the other was feeling.
They just had to be kind to themselves and each other.....and that it would be like being on a seesaw....when one felt down, the other would be up....and hopefully able to lift the other.
This is how I explained grief.
I know all this is true because I have had my own experiences to learn by.
When my dad died, I put off he grieving....or I thought I did....but it can't really be put off.
When Ma died I was too busy dealing with the fall out of there being no will.
So I was not consciously delaying the grief.
I was not knocked down by the loss.
Yes I missed her....and once the estate was settled I felt a bit adrift, a bit 'without purpose'...I had a few 'moist moments' but they were infrequent.
That there was no funeral meant that the normal tying up of loose ends did not happen in the usual order...but then grief has no order....no time limit.
And you can slide backwards and forwards through the different stages of grief.
I am not sure who I am writing this for....whether it is for Rob or others out there who have lived it and are still living it.
Or if this is for me to try and see through the fog.
What I do know is that grief is love unfinished.
It is words that we did not get to say.
Kisses and hugs that we did not get to give....flowers that were not delivered...it is the goodbyes that we never got to say.
You can't hurry grief either.
This blog is in response to Rob's blog about dealing with loss.
We say that we 'deal' with loss as though it is an active thing.
I am not sure it is active.
It might be reactive.
Every person deals with grief and loss differently.
There is no right way to do it.
There is no wrong way to do it either.
After a loss we feel as if a bomb has gone off in our life.
As if a tornado has swept in and moved everything...and not just moved things, but removed things.
The things that were important, the things we depended on, the things we clung to.
As a result of this we feel rudderless, adrift and lost.
We do whatever we can to try to make things 'normal'.
Though in truth, they will never be normal again.
We do things automatically.
Get washed, get dressed, make a meal....go to work because these are normal.
It is hard to smile, harder to laugh.....we cry...or sometimes we don't.
If we don't, we feel like we should, and that maybe we are heartless if we don't.
All these are parts of grief and loss.....I think we sometimes forget that grief is not just reserved for death, but loss of a job creates its own kind of grief....a break up with a partner is a loss and creates grief.
A disability is a loss too and creates a grieving of its own.
When I was working I dealt with ladies who lost babies.
They and their husbands had lost something they were looking forward to...their hopes were dashed.
I used to speak to the husbands separately and tell them that they were grieving alongside their wife, but that grieving for them would be like train lines....the destination was the same, but their grief would be separate....the lines would never touch or cross.Neither would know exactly what the other was feeling.
They just had to be kind to themselves and each other.....and that it would be like being on a seesaw....when one felt down, the other would be up....and hopefully able to lift the other.
This is how I explained grief.
I know all this is true because I have had my own experiences to learn by.
When my dad died, I put off he grieving....or I thought I did....but it can't really be put off.
When Ma died I was too busy dealing with the fall out of there being no will.
So I was not consciously delaying the grief.
I was not knocked down by the loss.
Yes I missed her....and once the estate was settled I felt a bit adrift, a bit 'without purpose'...I had a few 'moist moments' but they were infrequent.
That there was no funeral meant that the normal tying up of loose ends did not happen in the usual order...but then grief has no order....no time limit.
And you can slide backwards and forwards through the different stages of grief.
I am not sure who I am writing this for....whether it is for Rob or others out there who have lived it and are still living it.
Or if this is for me to try and see through the fog.
What I do know is that grief is love unfinished.
It is words that we did not get to say.
Kisses and hugs that we did not get to give....flowers that were not delivered...it is the goodbyes that we never got to say.