What If......?

[Less]

What if we could persuade HBC to declare war on America? Not only would the resultant invasion finish off the demolision of the remaining houses left in the phoenix project, but the millions of tax dollars that would be pumped into the area would mean that there would be enough left over to ensure the market hall was given a decent face lift.
All it would take would be one cruise missile going slightly off course, whoops there goes the Town Hall & immediate room for a bus station. The Americans would be happy because yet again their troops have saved a population from an oppressive ruler & they would be able to write the whole expenditure off as One massive tax deductable loan.
It would be absolutley fantastic for us..............Oh sorry I forgot, we aren't sitting on a giant oil resource, lets forget the idea.

 

[staggeringman]

yes less ! but what about broadway anouther 250-000 quid to be spent on doing it up again..again..again..again..how long is going to be before the pillocks get something right.

 

[Less]

yes less ! but what about broadway anouther 250-000 quid to be spent on doing it up again..again..again..again..how long is going to be before the pillocks get something right.

Are you talking about HBC or the Americans?

 

[WillowTheWhisp]

I could almost see sense in that Less. Have a balloon

 

[Less]

"Hey, Yankee, We hear you'll be wanting a puppet government?"

 

[Less]

From our war correspondent embedded with the Liberating/Invading* American Ground Forces, Somewhere on the Church & Accrington border:-

I'm reporting to you now of the first hostilities that took place in Accrington Town Centre when, At precisely 2.00 a.m. (Hyndburn Time) Precision American bombing took out 433 Of the towns 445 Everything for 99p Shops.

A spokesman for the U.S. Forces was heard to say this is a proud moment for our men we have reduced the Supply of these cheap and inferior Products which we know they planned to swamp our forces with once we have Relieved/Conquered* the citizens of wherever we happen to be this year.

He also added that although it was regretable one of the charity shop window displays was slightly damaged when the handle fell off a boxed Star Trek mug because of the vibration.

Although the Americans had also targetted the new flagship of Hyndburn by attacking their Communication Bunker Hyndburnlife website, their Chief Hacker Mr. B. Gates had to report that due to the fact he had been unable to log on he had not been able to bring this abomination to a halt.

The Sirens are going so I'm going to have to stop reporting to you now as the wind has changed direction and we will have to put on our gas masks to protect ourselves from the smell of the old bone yard (memories eh? The aroma comes straight back at you just with the thought of it!)

For now though, I will have to return you to the studio.
* Delete as applicable.

eace:

 

[Gobsmacked]

What are you on Less?

And more to the point ---- where can I get some?

 

[WillowTheWhisp]

yes less ! but what about broadway anouther 250-000 quid to be spent on doing it up again..again..again..again..how long is going to be before the pillocks get something right.

Did you see the pretty pictures of proposed trees and hanging basket pyramid type arrangements? How long would they last before the vandals trashed them? The arrangements on the roundabout under the viaduct are relatively safe because they aren't so easily accessible but as for trees I recall similar ones we had which were very soon broken off before they even got chance to take root.

And whats all this about "it will encourage the French markets and the pot fair" ??
What's that we've just had on Broadway if it wasn't a pot fair (maybe it's still there) and the French market manages to have come twice despite the lack of trees and pot plants.

Surely all we need for now is a decent surface under foot. Peel Street being more of a priority for that than Broadway because the paving slabs there are chronic. If you're not falling over the wretched things you step on them in the rain and dirty water shoots halfway up yer leg!

 

[Darby]

"Hey, Yankee, We hear you'll be wanting a puppet government?"

Real Puppets at Last!!!
He, he , he , he , he, he ,he

Great Thread............more from our embedded war correspondant please!!

 

[Less]

See attachments below first
(Continued from front page)……..

Page 2

The Coalition Forces today announced that they have recruited the services of Doug & Sandra as The Interim Council Leaders. When asked to comment the pair replied that while they where honoured to be awarded such a daunting task, they had plans only to stay in power until such time as the local population decides to go down to the Polling stations and actually vote. A Spokesperson for the Coalition was heard to say, “I bet H*ll freezes over first.”



(Continued from front page)……..

Page 3

The search Continues for the two rogue Councillors who are believed to be instrumental in storing the WOMD (Words Of Mass Deception). Although It can be shown that they did not create these Documents a search of their Town house by the 1st Battalion of Chartered Accountants, Discovered the offending items under the middle cushion of their settee. It has been reported that as they made their escape, they stated, “We are innocent, we are the councils crime tsars and if we had just had another 45 minutes we would have exposed these documents to the World.”

This reporter asked the new Interim Council Leaders if they had any idea where the two fugitives could be, they hinted on a rumour that they (Doug & Sandra NOT Doug & Sandra) could be heading down south in an attempt to smuggle through the Channel Tunnel & thus make their way to Afganistan where they hoped to be treated as Asylum Seekers.



(Continued from front page)……..

Somewhere near the sports page



If you think I’m going to cover that story you’d better think again, I got into enough trouble the last time!

 

[Doug]

If you think I’m going to cover that story you’d better think again, I got into enough trouble the last time!

Get on with it man - that's the price of war........I'm with Darby on this one, more from the berated man......

 

[Darby]

I'm sure you're three bricks short of a building set Less.................................But.....I need a new monitor and a new keyboard.....I really shouldn't drink coffee whilst I read this thread!!!!!!!!!



Where's the Sports Page..............

Please don't write a page on the economy...my ribs couldn't take it....

 

[WillowTheWhisp]

Maybe you could get a reporter to do a special feature on the dynamic new website Hyndburnlite Less?

 

[Mick]

There is a rumour going round the area that the Americans have picked the next 4 Targets for a strategic strike
1 MINERS ARMS 2 OAK TREE 3 STAG INN AND 4 THE FOXHILL you have been warned

 

[Doug]

There is a rumour going round the area that the Americans have picked the next 4 Targets for a strategic strike
1 MINERS ARMS 2 OAK TREE 3 STAG INN AND 4 THE FOXHILL you have been warned

Can we not camouflage the stag and paint up the Old Commercial to represent it just too confuse the yanks....We need to keep some of our heritage safe as well as a Sunday bolt hole. We need to get a message to our valiant, but berated reporter as he maybe misled and enter one of these targets and get himself taken out. Then what would I do???????

 

[Less]

There is a rumour going round the area that the Americans have picked the next 4 Targets for a strategic strike
1 MINERS ARMS 2 OAK TREE 3 STAG INN AND 4 THE FOXHILL you have been warned

Knowing what the Americans are like with Friendly fire, I now know four extremely safe places to be (Thanks go to our roving reporter Mick for those few re-assuring words).

 

[staggeringman]

There is a rumour going round the area that the Americans have picked the next 4 Targets for a strategic strike
1 MINERS ARMS 2 OAK TREE 3 STAG INN AND 4 THE FOXHILL you have been warned

I DECLARE THE STAG INN A NUCLEAR FREE ZONE + THE BEERS TO STRONG FOR THE YANKS.

 

[Less]

And now over to our embedded reporter somewhere out there in the midst of all the action.........

(reporter to camera man are you sure sweety? Your not just saying that? Now come on, honestly, does my bum look big in this flak jacket?)

(Camera man to reporter, Oh, sh*t you dizzy b*tch we're on air try and act professional!).

Oh, er well, and here we are once more at a secret location somewhere overlooking the whole area of Accrington, you were lucky not to be with us in daylight the heat, the smell, the flies and the seagulls, but now this hilltop vantage point seems to have settled down with just the odd scream from some poor unfortunate G.I.being cornered by the man eating rats here on Whinney Hill,
(To camera-man, am I allowed to mention Whinney Hill I thought the location was secret?, still never mind I've said it now!).

As I was saying, from here live on November the 5th 2004 at a secret location somewhere above Accrington Looking down on the raging fires and the disturbances with all the American fire power that is going into returning Hyndburn kicking and screaming back to it's former democratic life, because of the isolation of being up here any-one could be mistaken into thinking that this was nothing more than the locals celebrating bonefire-night. I must now return you to the studio.
(To Camera-man I'm telling you now if I have to carry on presenting this in these ridiculously baggy trousers then I quit, they call it a battle dress, you'd think I could at least wear a skirt, fades embarrasingly back to studio............).
or I'll carry on.

 

[Busman747]

It has been rumoured that the Americans are using their "star wars" weapon to take out the satalite responsible for the broadcasting of "Hyndburnlife" A web site that informs the locals of all that is happening in the area..............we are unable to confirm this at the moment as the site is "down!" We hope to resume broadcast as soon as........Oooh my god, its a cruise missile..........

OK FOLKS, It hit a U.S. base just south of us, (they are good at that, aren't they )

 

[Mick]

A helicopter was flying around above Accrington yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the HYNDBURNLIFE building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."