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Old 21-03-2020, 04:55   #2071
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
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Old 21-03-2020, 04:58   #2072
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Not sure if I should post this - but what the heck:

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along
and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse
and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get
that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his
waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman
answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles"
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Old 25-03-2020, 05:30   #2073
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:
Originally Posted by RhymesWithBanker View Post
I have a little joke for you. I hope it will cheer you all up.

*********************************************

Little Billy is in school and the teacher says to him "Billy, if there are 5 birds on the fence and I shoot 1 of them, how many birds are left?"

Little Billy thinks about it and says "There will be no birds left,because the noise from the gun would scare them all off."

The teacher says "I'm sorry Billy, the correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking".

Billy then says to the teacher " I have a question for you Miss. There are 3 women eating icecream. The first one is licking at the edge, the second is eating the top and sucking the cone and the third is gobbling it all down. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes and says "Er, I suppose the second one, who is eating the top and sucking the cone"

"No" says Billy " The one with the wedding ring on,but I like your thinking". :-)
*********************************************
This is a good trick, this is funny!
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Old 27-03-2020, 00:08   #2074
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a piñata?!”
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Old 27-03-2020, 00:09   #2075
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and
another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s e x.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the
kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.
I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.."

God is good.
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Old 27-03-2020, 00:10   #2076
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Re: Joke Of The Day

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!”
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Old 27-03-2020, 00:10   #2077
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The staff were helping customers when the store optometrist walked
by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, they all had to stop what they were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked.

"It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:12   #2078
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Did you know.....there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?
Same with the Virgin Islands, there are no canaries there either.
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:14   #2079
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I have been a lot better since I swapped my morning coffee for orange juice.
My doctor said this was due to the vitamin C and the natural sugars...but I think it is the vodka!
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:16   #2080
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Day five of social distancing lockdown.
Today I was so bored that I had a conversation with a spider.
It turned out he was a web designer.

OK...I'll get my coat.
(but you are smiling...right)
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:18   #2081
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I have a very clever hen...she is so clever she can count her own eggs...she is a mathamachicken.
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:20   #2082
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Q) What do you call an alligator in a vest?

a) an Investigator!
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:22   #2083
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Q) what's the difference between a fish and a piano?

A) You can't tuna fish.
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:26   #2084
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Q) Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A) One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.
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Old 28-03-2020, 21:29   #2085
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Cremation - My last hope of a smoking hot body.
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