Joke Of The Day - Page 147

dotti34 · 09-12-2022, 00:18

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Economy said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

dotti34 · 22-12-2022, 20:36

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Margaret Pilkington · 23-12-2022, 09:01

Oh….Dorothy…I have heard it before, but it still makes me laugh.

dotti34 · 10-02-2023, 01:38

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen to walk beside her carriage. They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

HM said to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen." After they show her their ankles, the Queen said: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

Nine years later, when the pair are released from prison, one of the blokes said to the other: ”I reckon, if we’d had just a bit more education, we would have got that job!”

dotti34 · 24-02-2023, 09:11

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab.

Then the driver said, ‘Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me’. The passenger apologised and said, ‘I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much.’

The driver replied, ‘Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

dotti34 · 03-03-2023, 20:43

A man goes to join a monastery. The head monk sits him down to explain the rules. The final rule he says is “This is a silent order. You only get to speak once a year and that’s one sentence to me.” “Righto” the man says. A year goes by the monk approaches the man and says “Well done. You’ve done a year. What’s your sentence?” The man replies “Hard bed”. The monk replies “Ok we’ll get you a soft bed.”

Another year goes by and the monk approaches the man and says “ You’ve done two years, another twelve months. What’s your sentence?” The man says “Cold food.” The monk replies “Ok we’ll get you some hot food.” Another year goes by and the monk approaches the man and says “Another year. Well done, three years. What’s your sentence? The man replies “I quit.”

The monk replies “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

dotti34 · 23-03-2023, 22:35

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right"

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary..."

dotti34 · 23-03-2023, 22:36

One day, a market researcher was knocking on doors in a street. He reached the final house in the row and was welcomed by a busy looking housewife.

“Hello,” he started. “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?” “Sure” the busy woman answered. “My husband and I use it when we’re intimate.”

The researcher was taken aback and stuttered: “Oh, er, I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it?” “Yeah,” she replied. “We put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

Margaret Pilkington · 24-03-2023, 12:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by dotti34

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right"

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary..."

Dorothy that just made me ‘snort’ my lunch time brew….let me tell you snot and tea don’t taste good.

taddy · 24-03-2023, 15:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by dotti34

One day, a market researcher was knocking on doors in a street. He reached the final house in the row and was welcomed by a busy looking housewife.

“Hello,” he started. “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?” “Sure” the busy woman answered. “My husband and I use it when we’re intimate.”

The researcher was taken aback and stuttered: “Oh, er, I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it?” “Yeah,” she replied. “We put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

Dotti, Where O where do you keep getting these "cracking" jokes from ?

dotti34 · 25-03-2023, 05:39

Margaret you made ME laugh as I pictured the ‘explosion’. Couldn't help myself.

Taddy. as for where I get the jokes from, I get them sent to me by like-minded friends who agree that laughter is the best medicine and a good old chuckle never hurt anyone. Good to know you enjoy me passing these on.

Margaret Pilkington · 25-03-2023, 13:10

Dorothy, it was not a pretty picture with tea coming down my nose….still my nose is deep cleaned now courtesy of a tea shampoo.

dotti34 · 31-03-2023, 05:48

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.”

Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

dotti34 · 12-05-2023, 00:38

Not sure, but this might be an old one – it’s still worth a chuckle….

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot." The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?” The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Margaret Pilkington · 12-05-2023, 14:02

Oh Dorothy I love that one….and I have not heard it before!