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Old 04-10-2010, 11:06   #1441
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Re: Joke Of The Day

you did, one of hundreds you've sent me, it's a good job i didn't have any credit on Saturday, you'd have been in for it matey there's only so many jokes you can send in a day and you over stepped the mark lol
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:10   #1442
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I do it to annoy you knowing you can't reply

Post the one about sparing £2, I lost wee when I read it.
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:12   #1443
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Re: Joke Of The Day

i deleted them all, Reece kept asking me what i was laughing at...on the metrolink going through Manchester
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Last edited by Neil; 04-10-2010 at 12:06.
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Old 13-10-2010, 11:41   #1444
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . . 'zat is ze....






Four-sprung Duck technique!
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Last edited by Neil; 13-10-2010 at 11:56. Reason: removed formatting to make easier to read
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Old 26-10-2010, 04:42   #1445
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I could spend all day reading these.... but i will save that for another day x
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Old 31-10-2010, 16:19   #1446
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Heard they have had to cancel the Christmas Pantomime in Bradford. was gonna do Jack @ Beanstalk. but got to fee fi fo fum, i smell the blood of n englishman..........and couldn't find one.
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Old 01-11-2010, 16:29   #1447
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Re: Joke Of The Day

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'

You put down,

‘Neither do I’.“
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Old 11-11-2010, 02:00   #1448
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Like that last one lol
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Old 28-11-2010, 15:38   #1449
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Church with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile..

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old women! Their minds are always working!)



Be afraid of old women! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!
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Old 28-11-2010, 15:45   #1450
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A tour bus full of noisy chavs from Church on a rehabilitation trip arrives at Runnymede.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, Damn, We missed it by a half hour!"
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Old 06-12-2010, 18:42   #1451
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Hi

Please please please - make yourself aware of where this is happening
AND tell your friends!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European'
scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of
shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough
to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking young men with foreign accents come over to
your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both
start
cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their
skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead
ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's. You agree
and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and
both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate,
one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you,
touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one
steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three
times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look
nicer.
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Old 06-12-2010, 18:47   #1452
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neil View Post
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Church with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile..

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old women! Their minds are always working!)



Be afraid of old women! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!
How very true that is Neil was once talking to an elderly woman in our company and her take on sex at her age was

We don't Tell
We don't Yell
we done swell
and we're grateful
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Old 06-12-2010, 19:10   #1453
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Re: Joke Of The Day

12 days of christmas in Liverpool

12 inbred brothers
11 fake armanis
10 Lambert and Butler
9pm curfew
8 young children
7 different dads
6 grams of coke
5 soveriegn rings
4 stolen alloys.
3 different asbos
2 cans of Stella
and a brand new DLA car.
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Old 06-12-2010, 19:20   #1454
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Re: Joke Of The Day


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army
for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels because everyone is high and can't be bothered.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Old 07-12-2010, 17:18   #1455
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruud View Post
Heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa

;D ;D ;D ;D
Or, the dyslexic drug addict who choked on his own vimto!
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