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Old 19-12-2011, 12:55   #1546
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two men in a saloon were playing cards.One of them thumped the table happily and cried:"I win!"
"What have you got?" asked the other cowboy.
"Four aces"
"I'm afraid you don't win."
"Thats almost impossible,"declared the first man."What cards have you got?"
"Two nines and a loaded gun."
"Oh,"said the first man."You win.But how come you're so lucky?"
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Old 20-12-2011, 11:47   #1547
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Re: Joke Of The Day

It was quite a number of years ago when the Italian Army used to fight with spears.Just before one of there greatest battles,the Italian commander assembled his men to give them a stirring speech before they went into battle.
"It does not matter,"he said,"that the odds are overwhelmingley against us.We are Italians and we shall go foward fighting as only Italians can.Now raise up your spears and come into battle with me.I will lead the way to a glorious victory that shall be ours."
As the commander picked up his spear and marched bravely foward to meet the enemy,his men laid down their spears,sat on the ground,clapped their hands,and shouted: "Bravo!"
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Old 21-12-2011, 11:48   #1548
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Re: Joke Of The Day

One day,during one of the ancient wars,a lusty Roman soldier broke in to a house where he found two beautiful maidens and their matronly servant.
"Prepare thyself for conquest,my dears,"roared the soldier.
The girls fell to there knees and pleaded with him:"Do with us as thou desire,sir,but please spare our faithful old servant."
"Shut thy mouth,"snapped the servant.War is war."


Nurse:"Well,Mr.Mitchell,you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning."
Mr.Mitchell,groaning in his bed:"That's because I've been practising all night."
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Old 22-12-2011, 11:34   #1549
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The old Yorkshire farmer was passing through the town one day when he decided to pay a visit to the doctor.
"I should be most grateful,"said the farmer,"if you would call one day and take a look at my wife."
"Certainly,"replied the doctor."is your dear wife ill?"

"I don't really know,"said the Yorkshire farmer."But yesterday morning she got out of bed at the usual time of four o'clock in the morning and milked the cows and made breakfast for me and the farmhands;then did the farm accounts;made the dinner;churned the milk;fed the chickens;ploughed a few fields;then made supper before repainting the living room----but about midnight she was complaning she was a bit tired.I think doctor,she needs a bit of a tonic or something."

Last edited by claytonx; 22-12-2011 at 11:36.
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Old 23-12-2011, 13:02   #1550
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two little boys were talking in Hollywood."What's your new dad like?"asked one
"Oh.he's OK,I guess,"replied the other."Have you met him?"
"Yeah!"said the first boy."We had him last year."

Notice in a foreign hotel:"The water in this establishment is completely hygienic---it has all been passed by the manager."

1st patient:"I see they've brought in another case of diarrhoea."
2nd patient:"That's good"Anything is better than that awful lemonade they've been giving us."
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Old 24-12-2011, 12:41   #1551
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The eminent surgeon was walking through his local churchyard one day when he saw the grave digger having a rest and drinking from a bottle of beer.
"Hey, you! called the surgeon."How dare you laze about and drink alcohol in the churchyard!Get on with your job,or I shall complain to the vicar."
"I should have thought you'd be the last person to complain,"said the grave digger,bearing in mind all your blunders I've had to cover up."
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Old 24-12-2011, 22:16   #1552
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Just sneaked a look at one of my Christmas presents; it's a bag of rice....must be from my Uncle Ben.
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Old 25-12-2011, 10:34   #1553
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Girl gets e-mail from Dating Agency,- You have been on our books now for 3 years, Would you like us to try a week without the picture.
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Old 26-12-2011, 11:57   #1554
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two little boys were paddling in the sea at Blackpool,
"Arn't your feet dirty," said one little boy.
"Yes,"replied the other,"we didn't come last year.

Definition of circumcision:that which cuts off the Jews from the Gentiles.
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Old 27-12-2011, 10:43   #1555
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The Irishman died and went to Heaven.He knocked at the Pearly Gates,but no one answered.He knocked again and shouted:"Hey,let me in"I'm Paddy Murphy and I've been sent to Heaven."
Eventually St.Peter appeared and looked through the Gates at the Irishman and said "Go away---I'm not going to make stew just for one."


Man:"My sister married an Irishman."
Friend:"Oh,really?"
Man:"No,O'Reilly."
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Old 27-12-2011, 11:07   #1556
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Re: Joke Of The Day

One tooth says to another tooth arn't I the lucky one, the dentist is taking me out tonight.
Jokes in crackers don't get any better do they
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Old 28-12-2011, 11:38   #1557
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A Fireman walked into a chemist and asked to talk to the male pharmacist.
The women he was talking to said she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the shop,there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The fireman said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,and whatever it was he needed to discuss,he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The fireman then agreed and began by saying........
"This is tough for me to discuss,but I have a....Permanant Erection.
it causes me a lot of problems,and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said....... "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned,she said......We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the shop......
A company car......
Five home cooked dinners a week.......
A fully furnished apartment above the shop.....
And 2000 a month in living expenses.
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Old 29-12-2011, 10:19   #1558
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Re: Joke Of The Day

"Robert!"shouted the editor of th local newspaper.
"Did you get that story about the man who sings bass and soprano at the same time?"
"There's no story,sir"replied Robert,the young reporter.
"The man has two heads."

Man:"My dog has got no tail."
Friend:"How do you know when it's happy?"
Man:When it stops biting me."
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Old 29-12-2011, 11:26   #1559
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The Truth Hurts
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Old 30-12-2011, 14:33   #1560
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The marriage of the two lighthouse keepers was said this evening to be on the rocks.
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