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Old 31-12-2011, 11:29   #1561
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Then there were the two worms in the graveyard making love in dead Ernest.

It's hard to keep a good girl down----but lots of fun trying.
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Old 01-01-2012, 11:28   #1562
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An Irishman bought a pair of water skis---now he spends all his time looking for water with a slope.

When I met my boyfriend we were both rough and ready. He was rough--I was ready.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:36   #1563
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The German officer in command of the prison camp thought that it was Christmas Eve, he would set some of his prisoners free.He decided that the fairest way would be to ask each prisoner a question,and those who answered correctly would be allowed to escape.
The first prisoner to be interviewed was a British officer and the German officer asked:"In 1912 a famous ship collided vith an iceberg.Vot vos its name?"
"The Titanic,"replied the British officer,and he was promptly released.
The next prisoner was an American.The German officer asked:"in1912 der Titanic sank van it vos in collision vith an iceberg.How many lives ver lost?"
"1,517,"replied the American,and he was set free.
The third prisoner to appear was Jewish."In1912,"said the German."der Titanic collided vith an iceberg and sank vith der loss of 1,517 lives.Vot ver their names?"
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:13   #1564
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One Yugoslav woman who was expecting her sixth child was horrified to read in the newspaper that every sixth person born in the world is Chinese.

Vicar:"You know,I pray for you every night."
Young women:"Well,there's really no need----I am on the phone."
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:55   #1565
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In the divorce court the judge frowned and said:"So Miss Brown,you admit that you stayed in a hotel with this man?"
Woman:"Yes, I do.But I couldn't help it.He deceived me"
Judge:"Really?How?"
Woman:"Well,he told the reception clerk I was his wife."

Mistress:something between a mister and a mattress.

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Old 05-01-2012, 10:52   #1566
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HO HO HO

A family are at the dinner table.The son asks his father,"Dad,how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father,surprised, answers,"Well son,there are three kinds of Boobs:In her 20s,a womans are like melons,round and firm.In her 30s to 40s,they are like pears,still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,they are like onions"
"Onions?"

"Yes,you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,"Mum,how many kinds of "willies"are there?"
The mother,surprised,smiles and answers,"Well dear,a man goes through three phases.In his 20s,his willy is like an oak tree:mighty and hard.In his
30s and 40s,it is like a birch:flexible but reliable.After his 50s it is like a
Christmas Tree."

"A Christmas Tree?"

"Yes-the root is dead and the balls are just for decoration."


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Old 06-01-2012, 11:40   #1567
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The solicitor was reading Humphrey's will and had just come to the last paragraph."I always said I'd mention my dear wife Joan,in my will,"read out the solicitor."So,hello there,Joan!"

How to make an Igloo by S.K.Mow.

How to make solid meals by C.Ment



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Old 07-01-2012, 11:46   #1568
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Women are to blame for all the lying men do-they will insist on continually asking questions.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.Every now and then she has to stop to take a breath.
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Old 07-01-2012, 13:14   #1569
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Some good jokes that you keep posting claytonx, keep them coming. Certainly puts a smile on my face
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Old 07-01-2012, 14:59   #1570
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sara View Post
Some good jokes that you keep posting claytonx, keep them coming. Certainly puts a smile on my face
Good to know always appreciated Thank you
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Old 08-01-2012, 11:43   #1571
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"Martha!"shouted frail little Sidney from his bed."I"m terribly sick,please call the vet."
"A vet?"queried Martha."Why do you want a vet and not a doctor?"
"Because,"replied Sidney,"I work like a horse,live like a dog,and have to sleep with a silly old cow!"

My girl friend says there are things a girl shouldn't do before 20.I'm not to keen on an audience either.

No food by M.T,Cupboard


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Old 09-01-2012, 11:49   #1572
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The University lecturer was speaking to an audience of townspeople.He was attempting to prove there was a definate connection between happiness and the amount of sex in people's lives.
To help prove his point,he asked those in the audience who indulged every night to raise their right hands.Only five per cent did so,all laughing merrily.
He then asked how many indulged about once per week,and seventy per cent raised their hands,smiling contentedly as they did so.
Then people who indulged once every month were asked to raise their hands,but it was noticeable that these people neither laughed nor smiled.
The lecturer felt that this proved his point-but to show how obvious this matter was,he asked those who only indulged once every year to raise their hands.A tall man at the back of the hall leapt from his chair,waving his hand and laughing loudly.
The lecturer was astonished at this apparent contradiction to his lecture,and he asked the man if he could explain why he was so happy.
The man replied:"Certainly. It's tonight! It's tonight!"
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Old 10-01-2012, 13:13   #1573
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One female student to another:"the new tutor is gorgeous,isn't he.He dresses so well."
Second girl:"Yes,and so quickly,too."

The art of striptease by Eva Drawsoff.
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:41   #1574
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An Irishman was terribly overweight,so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day---And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you,you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned,he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 pounds!
"Why ,that's amazing!" the doctor said,"Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded----"I"ii tell you though,be jaesuz,I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat"tird day."
"From the hunger,you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No,from the skippin."

Horse ridding competitions by Jim Karna.


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Old 12-01-2012, 11:50   #1575
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Little girl:"Mummy,why are your hands so soft?"
Mother:"Because I always use Pixie Solid for washing my dishes."
Little girl: "but why does it get your hands so soft?"
Mother:"Because the money Pixie Solid pay me for this commercial enables me to buy an automatic dish washer."

Home haircutting by Shaun Hedd.
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