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Anything Goes Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum! |
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Welcome to Accrington Web!
We are a discussion forum dedicated to the towns of Accrington, Oswaldtwistle and the surrounding areas, sometimes referred to as Hyndburn! We are a friendly bunch please feel free to browse or read on for more info. You are currently viewing our site as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, photos, play in the community arcade and use our blog section. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please, join our community today!
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668Likes
12-01-2012, 12:59
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#1576
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God Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern Italy
Posts: 4,419
Liked: 1866 times
Rep Power: 26227
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Re: Joke Of The Day
:d
__________________
“Beauty is an experience, nothing else. It is not a fixed pattern or an arrangement of features. It is something felt, a glow or a communicated sense of fineness.” ~ D. H. Lawrence
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13-01-2012, 12:32
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#1577
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
The man in the front seat of the cinema was making groaning noises very loudly during a tender love scene on the screen.
"Shut up!"hissed the audience around him,but still the man continued making horrible noises.
Eventually,the manager was called and he marched down the aisle until he came to the noisy man."Get up!"demanded the manager.
"Oooooooh!Aaaaaaaargh!"shouted the man in reply.
"Where are you from?"asked the manager.
"F...Fr...."groaned the man"....from th...the balcony."
Outsize Clothes by L.E.Fant.
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14-01-2012, 12:37
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#1578
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
The air hostess was being interviewed by her boss."Tell me,what would you do if you found yourself in a shallow dive?"
Air hostess:"I"d drink up and quickly get out."
She started licking my cheek tenderly.I said:"Do you love me?"She said:"No--but I need the salt."
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15-01-2012, 12:33
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#1579
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
The vicar was passing the local pond when he heard a little voice.He looked around,but could see no one.But the voice continued. Then he saw a frog sitting near the edge of the pond. The frog told the vicar that he had been turned into a frog by a wicked witch
The vicar was naturally horrified and asked the frog what he could do to help.The frog said that he was really a ten year old boy and all the vicar had to do to remove the witch's spell was to take him home and put him in the vicar's nice warm bed. And that, m'lud, concludes the evidence for the defence.
Her boyfriend only had one fault.He had Tarzan eyes--- They swung from limb to limb.
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15-01-2012, 20:11
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#1580
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I am Banned
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Accrington.
Posts: 4,627
Liked: 601 times
Rep Power: 0
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Talking to my mate last night about our mother-in-laws.
'My mother-in-law's an angel' he said.
'You're lucky, mine's still alive' I replied.
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16-01-2012, 12:41
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#1581
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A group of chaps,all age 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous,with tight mini skirts,great legs,nice bums and beautiful full breasts.
Ten years later,at age 50,the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60,the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later,at age 70,the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later,at age 80,the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.
My brother was badly beaten up recently fighting for his girlfriend's honour.She wanted to keep it.
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17-01-2012, 13:28
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#1582
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A drunk came across a man doing press ups in the park,so he said:"Excuse me,I think someone has stolen your girlfriend."
The old flea was travelling to the cinema on his snail when he was overtaken by a young flea tearing along on a slug.
"What has happened to your old snail?" asked the old flea.
"Oh,"shouted the young flea,gradually disappearing into the distance,"I thought I"d part exchange it for a convertible."
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18-01-2012, 11:18
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#1583
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
The scene is a law court.The prosecution counsel faces the female witness and rasps:"It is true you committed adultery on the 18th of June in a snowstorm while riding on the roof of an automobile travelling at ninety miles an hour through Slough with a one-iegged dwarf waving a Union Jack?"
The youg woman in the witness box looked straight at the prosecuting counsel and said calmly:"What was that date again?
"
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19-01-2012, 11:39
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#1584
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Man,snuggling up to girl:"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
Girl,pushing man back and looking at him carefully:"You might be--your face looks familiar."
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20-01-2012, 12:44
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#1585
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
"What are you doing in the cellar,chidren?"
"Making love"
"That's nice.dears.Don't fight."
"My mother made me a homosexual."
"If I send her the wool,would she make me one too?"
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21-01-2012, 12:36
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#1586
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Patient:"give me a kiss nurse."
Nurse:"no."
Patient:"Please give me a kiss nurse."
Nurse:"Certainly not."
Patient:"Go on nurse,kiss me!"
Nurse:"No,sir--and I'm not even supposed to be in bed with you."
Neck Exercises by G.Rarff.
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22-01-2012, 13:31
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#1587
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A young girl was entertaining a rather amorous boyfriend at her home one evening."If you kiss me again," she warned,"I"ll have to call a member of my family."
Her boyfriend kissed her passionately.
"Bro-ther,"she murmured.
Outsize clothes by L.E.Fant.
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23-01-2012, 11:45
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#1588
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Estate agent to young house hunting couple:"First you tell me what you can afford.Then we'll have a good laugh about it and go on from there."
My sister had to give up her last boyfriend because he was tall,dark,and hands.
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24-01-2012, 13:43
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#1589
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Two men were climbing a particulary difficult mountain when one of them suddenly fell down a crevasse 500 feet deep.
"Are you alright Bert?" called the man at the top of the crevasse.
"I'm still alive,thank goodness,Fred,"came the reply.
"Here,grab this rope,"said Fred,throwing a rope down to Bert.
"I can't grab it" shouted Bert,"My arms are broken."
"Well,fit it round your legs."
"I'm afraid I can't do that either,"apologized Bert."My legs are broken."
"Put the rope in your mouth,"shouted Fred.
So Bert put the rope in his mouth and Fred began to haul him to safety.
490feet...400feet...300feet...200feet...100feet... 50feet...and then Fred called:"Are you alright Bert?"
"Yea-h-h...h...h...."
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25-01-2012, 13:02
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#1590
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Rest in Peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 512
Liked: 27 times
Rep Power: 2181
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Re: Joke Of The Day
An old man, Mr Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
"Yes,Nurse,"said Mr Wallace.
"My Private Part died today,and I am very sad".
knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied "oh, im so sorry, Mr Wallace. Please accept my condolences".
The folowing day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pajamas
He met nurse Tracy. "Mr Wallace, "she said, you shouldnt be walking down the hall like that. "Please put your private part back inside your pajamas".
"But nurse Tracy, i cant", replied Mr Wallace
" i told you yesterday that my private part had died".
"yes, "said nurse Tracy "you did tell me that, by why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well," he replied," Today is the viewing."
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