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Old 20-02-2012, 10:29   #1621
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Re: Joke Of The Day

More Tommy Cooper Jokes

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.Police say that he topped himself.

'Doc I can't stop singing'The Green Green Grass of Home
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

What do you call a fish with no eyes?a fsh.

Apparently,1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese,There are 5 people in my family,so it must be one of them.It's either my mum or my dad,or my older brother Colin,or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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Old 21-02-2012, 12:22   #1622
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A country yokel and a professor were in a train,and as it was a long journey they eventually got to talking.
"Every time you miss a riddle you give me a pound,and every time I miss one I give you a pound" said the professor,when they had run out of the ususl things to talk about.
"Ah but you're better educated than me,so I'll give you 50p and you give me a quid,"suggested the yokel.
The professor agreed and the yokel made up the first riddle:"What hasthree legs walking and two legs flying?"
The professor didn't know,so he gave the yokel a pound.The yokel didn't know either,so he gave the professor 50p.

How do porcupines make love? Carefully...very carefully.

Policeman:'Anything you say may be held against you.'
Writer' Jane Asher.'
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Old 22-02-2012, 11:51   #1623
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A Few More From Tommy Cooper

Two fat blokes in a pub,one says to the other 'Your round.'The other one says 'So are you ,you fat begger.

'You know,somebody actually complemented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen.It said,'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors,he said I've hurt my arm in several places The doctor said,'Well don't go there any more.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Old 22-02-2012, 18:11   #1624
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There was a major police operation at Ibrox, home of Glasgow Rangers after Saturdays defeat, somebody in the crowd through a pound coin onto the pitch, police are inquiring into the incident and its not sure if this coin was used as a missile or whether it was a take over bid
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Old 23-02-2012, 10:17   #1625
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A British diplomat in Moscow was attending a dinner party at the Kremlin,and much to his enjoyment he found himself seated next to a beautiful young woman.
During the course of the meal the diplomat dropped his hankerchief,and gently stroked the ankle of the young woman as he picked it up.But this brought no responce.
The diplomat soon dropped a fork,and gently patted the woman's knee when he picked up the fork,But the woman still remained silent.
As he dropped his knife to the floor,the diplomat noticed the young woman scribbling hastily on the back of a menu.She handed him what she had written and the diplomat was somewhat surprised to read:'When you reach your destination show no astonishment.Roger Barrington-Smythe,M.I.5.'
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Old 24-02-2012, 11:37   #1626
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Wife: "Darling what would you do if you came home from the office one day and found me in bed with another man?"
Husband:"Oh,I'd tell him to go away and beat him over the head with his white stick."

My wife and I never argue.She always goes her way and I always go hers.
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Old 25-02-2012, 11:38   #1627
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David was out all night with the glamorous hostess from a notorious Soho night club.When he returned home at five o'clock in the morning he tried to sneak into bed with his wife without waking her.But he was unsuccessful and she turned on the bedside light and watched her husband undress before putting on his pyjamas.
"Where is your underwear?" she demanded,when it was obvious that David had not been wearing any even before he had started to undress.
"My God!"cried David,in anguish."I've been robbed!"

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat and drink and be Mary.

If you need a shoulder to cry on pull off to the side of the road.

Definition of a teenager God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As you slide down the banister of life,may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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Old 25-02-2012, 19:18   #1628
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A friend sent the following today after my telling her that I had a devoted crew who I coxed at Torpids in 1986 for Trinity in Oxford!

Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes.

Sex with your wife
Legal & General
Sex on the telephone
Direct Line

Sex with your Partner
Standard Life

Sex with someone different
Go Compare

Sex with a Fat bird
More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car
Sheila’s Wheels

Sex with a posh bird
Privileged

Sex with a transvestite
Confused.com
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Old 26-02-2012, 10:25   #1629
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It was during the Arab/Israeli troubles.The Egyptians were having some trouble with a sniper,so they sent out a party of ten men to deal with him.
A few days passed and there was no sign of the ten men who had been sent out,and yet the sniper was still firing away.The Egyptians decided to sent out a whole platoon to deal with the sniper.
The Egyptians all went marching out--but a few hours later only one of them came staggering back.'The rest are all dead,' he reported.'But it's a trick--a typical Jewish trick- there's two of them.'
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Old 27-02-2012, 11:57   #1630
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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air,the wind would catch it for a few seconds,then it would come crashing back down to earth.I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said
"Make up your mind.Last night,you told me to go fly a kite."

"Jean,I think your husband dresses nattily."
"Natalie who?"
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Old 28-02-2012, 12:18   #1631
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The married couple arrived late one night at a hotel only to be told by the manager:"I"am sorry, but we're full up--but you can have the bridal suite."
"But we've been married for more than fifty years,"said the husband.
"So?"said the manager."I can let you have the ballroom but you don't have to dance."

A man jumped into a 482 mile long river in France in the early hours of this morning.He is said to be in seine.

The police are looking for a man with one eye.Typical inefficiency.

My wife is so jealous and suspicious that even her eyes watch each other.
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Old 29-02-2012, 10:29   #1632
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A small zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla,a female became very difficult to handle.Upon examination,the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse,ther was no male gorilla available.Thinking about their problem,the zoo keeper thought of Geordie Elliott,a local lad and part time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.Geordie,like many Newcastle men,felt he had ample ability to satisfy any femal.The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution so Geordie was approached with a proporsition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Geordie showed some intrest,but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day,he announced that he would accept their offer,but only under four conditions: 1 "Forst",Geordie said "Nee kissin on the lips."The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.2 "Secund"he said.Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.3 "Thord"Geordie said,"Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle fans"Once again it was agreed.4"And last of all"Geordie stated,"You gotta givvus another week to come up with the £500."

As you will understand could not check for spelling.
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Old 29-02-2012, 14:24   #1633
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Jim's wife was chatting to her friend about Jim's boss,who at the moment was regaling the party with details of his war experiences in Egypt.
"I believe he's great at doing impressions,"commented the friend
"Yes,"agreed Jim's wife."Right now his doing his impression of a river--small at the head and big at the mouth."

My wife is something of an actress.She spends the summer season swimming up and down Loch Ness.
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Old 01-03-2012, 11:41   #1634
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Awoman threatened he husband with devorce if he continued to chase after other women.The husband begged forgiveness and solemnly swore not to pay any attention to women other than his wife.
He managed to keep his promise for a few months,but then his wife discovered him kissing a female midget.
"I"m terribly sorry,"apologized the man to his wife,"but you must admit that I'm tapering off a bit.

The sun scorched vampire was crawling through the desert,crying 'Blood!Blood!'

Where do you find mangoes? With womangoes
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:46   #1635
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It was the coldest day in Britian yesterday for the past twenty years.At Accrington
three mechanics were sitting in a garage,shivering,when they heard a knock at the door.On opening the door,the wind howled past them and they saw a shaking,shivering monkey who looked up and said:'Excuse me,do you do welding?'
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