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Old 26-01-2012, 10:42   #1591
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while,one guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly," Yes,that I am!"
The first guy says,"so am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers "I"m from Dublin,I am."
The first guy responds so am I!"Sure and begorra.And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other guy says,"A lovely little area it was.I lived on McCleary street.
The first guy says,"Faith and it's a small world so did I! And to what school would you have been going?
The other guy answers,"Well now,I went to St Mary's, of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says ,"And so did I
Tell me,what year did you graduate?
The other guy answers in 1964
The first guy exclaims, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.Can you believe it.I graduated myself from St Mary's in 1964

About this tine Vicky walks into the bar,and sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender,walks over to Vicky,shaking his head and mutters,"It"s going to be a long night tonight."
Vicky asks,"Why do you say that Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Last edited by Mick; 27-01-2012 at 05:54.
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Old 27-01-2012, 11:39   #1592
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
There mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson
"If Jesus were sitting her, he would say,"let my brother have the first pancake I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan,you be Jesus !"

"Why are you so angry?"

"Because it's all the rage.

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Old 27-01-2012, 20:02   #1593
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Re: Joke Of The Day

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens),

called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
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Old 28-01-2012, 11:35   #1594
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked pretty good for a 60 year old,in fact she wasn't to bad at all,and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit(well more than a bit) we had a snuggle,and she asked me if I had ever had a "Sportsman's double?"What's that?" I asked."It's a mother and daughter threesome"she said."Oh."I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,"No,Ihaven't"And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more,then she says with a wink that tonight 'was my lucky night' Iwent back to her place. We walked in,she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom you still awake?"

"I don't know what to make of him."
"What about a standard lamp."
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Old 29-01-2012, 13:47   #1595
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Re: Joke Of The Day

"Mummy,mummy!The milkman's at the door.Have you got the money--or shall I go out and play.

'Say when dear.'
'After the drinks,darling.'
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Old 30-01-2012, 10:27   #1596
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
There biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together,the husband was the first to die.
True to his word,he made the first contact:"Marion...Marion"
"Is that you Bob?" "Yes,I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well,I get up in the morning,I have sex.I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again,bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud-- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.After supper,it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh,Bob are you in heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!
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Old 31-01-2012, 12:19   #1597
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Re: Joke Of The Day

"Did he have a weakness for ladies?"
"No a great strenght"

"Boy, you should have seen the stripper at the club last night.That unbelievable 55-26-37 figure..."
"What kind of dance did she do?"
"Well, she didn't actually dance--it was more like she crawled around the stage and tried to stand up."

What do you call a camel with three humps?--- Humphrey.
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Old 01-02-2012, 12:07   #1598
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A missionary went to a remote part of the world to teach some natives.On his travels he came to a small village where he decided to make a speech.It went something like this:
Missionary:"All men are your enemies and you must love your enemies."
The natives raised their spears and shouted "Hussanga!"
Missionary:"If a man should smite you,turn the other cheek."
The natives raised their spears again and shouted "Hussanga!"
Missionary:"Fighting is wrong--you must not fight."
Once again,the natives raised their spears and shouted."Hussanga!"
The missionary decided he had said enough for one day and as he made his way off the platform he said to the native nearest to him: "I think my little speech went down quite well,don't you? You all seemed to agree with it."
"Hmm," said the native. "Mind you don't tread in the hussanga when you get off the platform."
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:52   #1599
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Abe rushed round to Samuel's house,extremely distressed."De most terrible thing just happened.I meet my son off de plane and he says to me,"Papa,"he says,"I"ve been converted. I'm a Christian."'
Samuel listened in silence then said,quietly,"Vell,de same thing happened to me.I,too,just met my son off de ship and he too has been converted.Vot shall ve do?"
They decided to consult the rabbi but,alas his son had suddenly been converted.So in desperation, the three men went to the synagogue and prayed as they had never prayed before.
After a while there was a great crash of thunder and a voice boomed: Gentlemen,you know vot? I had de same trouble myself.
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Old 03-02-2012, 11:23   #1600
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A very attractive young girl was about to enter the church in a topless dress when the vicar ran towards her. "I"m very sorry,madam ,"said the vicar,"but I cannot possibly allow you to go into the church like that."
"But I have a divine right,"protested the young girl.
"Yes,"agreed the vicar,"and you have a divine left,too,but I still cannot let you into my church like that."
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Old 04-02-2012, 11:43   #1601
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A don was delivering a lecture about the various ways of making love.He began:"There are fifty ways of making love..."
"Seventy-two,"came a voice from the back.
The don so used to such interuptions at his University,decided to ignore the interuption,and continued:"There are fifty ways of..." "Seventy-two!"
"Be quiet!"rapped the don,his patience at an end."I am trying to deliver an important lecture."He began again:"There are fifty ways of..." Voice from the back:"Seventy-three!"
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Old 04-02-2012, 16:02   #1602
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Talking about rabbit`s,my mate used to have one,it was a talking rabbit.

Last summer,my mate asked me to look after his rabbit whilst he went on his jollies,

`What am I going to feed it on`? Says I. `Rabbit`ll tell you`.Says my mate.

Sure enough,I ask the rabbit what it wants and it tells me `cheese and onion toastie`

next day,same but with extra mushrooms,day after ham,day after that olives.

My mates rabbit got any topping it wanted.

My mates rabbit died the day my mate came back from holidays.

Devastated,my mate said `How could you let this happen`?

`I`m sorry my mate, I think it died from mixing my toasties.

Last edited by Stevie R; 04-02-2012 at 16:05. Reason: xtra line deleted
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:38   #1603
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Paddy and Murphy are on an Italian cruise ship.
Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band."
Paddy says, "There isn't a band playing tonight."
Murphy says, "I definitley heard someone say "a band on ship."
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Old 06-02-2012, 04:51   #1604
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Re: Joke Of The Day

how do you get 4 giraffes in a mini cooper, easy 2 in the front and 2 in the back,now the question is how do you get 4 elephants in a mini cooper. ANSWER Easy take the giraffes out first.
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Old 06-02-2012, 12:00   #1605
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man on holiday in the U.S.A. was amazed at the way his host,a hugh Texan,had everything so much larger than back home in England.
The car was as long as three English cars put together,the bedrooms were big enough to play a tennis match in,and the kitchen was so big it could cook enough to feed an army.
The Englishman was very impressed with all this Texan greatness,but after staying in his hosts gigantic house for about a week he began to drink even more than he normally did back in England.
One night, after getting particularly drunk,the Englishman fell into his host's swimming pool.When the servants rushed to rescue him they found him screaming:"Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

There's nothing more restful as the sleep of the just except,perhaps,the sleep of the just after.
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