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Old 09-12-2011, 12:13   #1531
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Smile Re: Joke Of The Day

Two fleas were leaving the theatre when the male flea turned to the female flea and said:"shall we walk, or take a dog?"

Waiter:"And how did you find the meat sir?"
Customer:"Oh,I just lifted up a chip and there it was."

Candles make light meals.

"Did you know deep breathing kills germs?"
"Yes.But how do you get them to breath deeply?"

Hedgehog finding itself on top of a scrubbing brush:
"We all make mistakes,don't we?"
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Old 10-12-2011, 13:24   #1532
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Aman was visiting London when he saw an avertisement for a restaurant which claimed that any dish requested could be served.
The man decided to visit this restaurant in order to test the validity of their claims.When he was seated at his table he asked the waiter for elephant ears on toast.The waiter took his order calmly,and went away into the kitchens. A few minutes later the waiter returned and said:"I do apologize, sir,but we've run out of bread."

Paul Revere came thundering up to the small farmhouse during his historic ride from Boston to Lexington.The young farmer's wife came to the door.
"Get ya husband,"yelled Revere"we gotta fight the English

"My husband ain't home,"she replied,trembling.
"Get ya sons and kinfolk,"he yelled.
"I ain't got no sons or kinfolk."
"Ain't nobody at home?"
"Nope!"

"Whoah,boy!"
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Old 10-12-2011, 22:26   #1533
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Re: Joke Of The Day

"A family from Wigan go on holiday to Benidorm and order some food. The father thinking his pie is lacking in gravy calls the waiter over saying " 'ast tha Bisto fort pah?' and the waiter says in a southern English accent, "I'm sorry, mate, I don't speak Spanish!"
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Old 11-12-2011, 12:09   #1534
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The small car pulled up to a sudden halt."Have you run out of petrol?"asked the girl somewhat sarcastically.
"No,of course not,"replied her young male companion.
"Then why have we stopped?"
"You will no doubt have noticed that we are parked in a secluded spot in the middle of this forest and miles from anywhere---so I thought you might like a discussion about the hereafter."
"That's something new." replied the young girl."What do you mean?"
"Simple!If you're not hereafter what I'm hereafter, you'll be hereafter I've gone."
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Old 12-12-2011, 11:34   #1535
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Smile Re: Joke Of The Day

Nicola,eight years old,told her parents that David Parsons had kissed he after lessons."How did that happen?"asked her mother."It wasn't easy,"admitted the young lady,"but three girls helped me catch him."

The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man."Oh no!"he groaned."Not snake and pygmy pie again!"

Last edited by claytonx; 12-12-2011 at 11:36.
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Old 13-12-2011, 12:28   #1536
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I eat small pieces of metal every day.It's my staple diet.

I rose early this morning-- ate some yeast last night.

"Waiter!Theres a button in my salad."
"Oh! It must have come off the salad dressing."

Judge:"Did you sleep with this woman?"
Man in witness box:"No, your honour not a wink."

"I can't stop telling lies."
"I don't believe you."
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Old 14-12-2011, 11:55   #1537
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The tea manufacturers wanted a new advertising gimmick, so the senior creative man at their advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.
The Pope gave the adman an audience and he made his request."We'll give you fifty thousand pounds for a ten second commercial.All you have to do is say:"Give us this day our daily tea".
"I'm sorry,"replied the Pope,"but I cannot do as you request."
"Seventy thousand,"offered the adman.
"I'm afraid not,"said the Pope,solemnly.
"All right.A hundred thousand.And that's our very last offer."
But still the Pope refused to make the commercial and the adman left.On the way home the adman turned to his secretary and said:"That's odd.I mean, the Pope refusing to do a commercial for tea.I wonder how much the bread people are giving him."
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Old 15-12-2011, 11:56   #1538
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Re: Joke Of The Day

"You know why a womens work is never done?
They don't get up early enough."

When you think about it.God has to be the best inventor of all time.
He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

My wife said "What are you doing today?"
I said "Nothing"
She said, "You did that yesterday"
I said "I wasn't finished."

How can you easily decide whether to use a screw or a nail when doing carpentry? Drive in a nail---if the wood splits, you should have used a screw.
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Old 15-12-2011, 22:52   #1539
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Re: Joke Of The Day

HYMN 365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Smile - life is too short not to!!
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river !!
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Old 16-12-2011, 12:48   #1540
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Re: Joke Of The Day

It was one o'clock in the morning and the manager of the hotel had just been woken up by a frantic phone call from a little old lady."Come quickly!Oh,please come quickly!"she wailed."I can see a naked man from my window."
The manager hastily dressed and rushed up to the little old ladys room.He found her pointing to a block of flats opposite her hotel bedroom----but all the manager could see was the naked top half of a young man.
"But my dear woman," soothed the manager,"the young man opposite is surely only preparing for bed.And how can you possibly be offended by him?
The man may not be completely naked."
"The wardrobe!"shrieked the little old lady."Stand on the wardrobe."
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Old 16-12-2011, 17:18   #1541
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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Old 17-12-2011, 12:07   #1542
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Re: Joke Of The Day

All the farmers in the area were going over to artificial insemination for the herds--- all,that is, except Walter Manglewurzel.Walter refused to have anything to do with such new fangled ideas,but one day the vet decided to convince him of the advantages of artificial insemination for his herd of cows.
Well, Walter stopped harnessing his wife to the plough to listen to the vet,and he was pleased with what he heard and agreed to give the idea a try.
That afternoon,the vet returned and said:"Did you put the bucket of hot water and a towel in the cow sheds like I asked?"
"Yes ,"replied Walter."And there's a hook behind the door you can hang your trousers on."
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Old 18-12-2011, 12:16   #1543
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Worried patient:"Doctor,I'm very worried.I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening."
Doctor:"Oh,that's nothing to worry about.Just have a few drinks before your dinner---that will soon wake you up."
Patient:"Thanks very much doctor! But when I consulted you before,you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely."
Doctor:"Yes,so I did.But that was last week,old chap and medical science has progressed enormously since then."
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Old 18-12-2011, 18:51   #1544
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I rang Rovers today to ask "What time is kick off against Bolton"

They said "When can you make it?"
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Old 18-12-2011, 19:32   #1545
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Was at Ewood and the bloke on the tanoy said.."for the convenience of todays players... here are the names of the crowd"
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