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Old 15-09-2004, 09:05   #781
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Re: Joke Of The Day

im no good at jokes the only one i can remember is:

Why does Edward Woodwood have so many Ds in his name?

coz if he didnt he would be called Ewar Woowoo

sorry thats bad eh!
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Old 15-09-2004, 10:28   #782
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
plastic
anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt
would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world
and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.
She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.


Question:

What was the object?










an m&m melt in yer mouth not in yer hand!!!!
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Old 15-09-2004, 21:07   #783
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last.

All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. He is a dull looking character, wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a gonna die anyway!"

Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the dull genie is right.


"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".


********** P O O F **********


The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of Marks & Spencer delicacies.

"OK sir, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."


********** P O O F **********


The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life (assuming only one attempted kidnapping per decade).

"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"


After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want, and need me."


********** P O O F **********


He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story? If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached!!!!

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Old 17-09-2004, 16:28   #784
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Re: Joke Of The Day

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw
the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so
she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls
he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam
said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having
to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down
the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he
came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the
door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my
babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the
way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
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Old 17-09-2004, 17:11   #785
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two good one's there lettie.
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Old 19-09-2004, 18:45   #786
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Well, it's been a while. I've been otherwise detained, but now I'm back. SO LET'S GET POSTING!


Marriage Proposal

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

"Well, then," she replies. "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how's your sex life?"

"Infrequently." he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, "And is that one word or two?"
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Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 20-09-2004, 12:40   #787
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let
me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you
are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but
don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his
way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It
will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,
I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family...".
Granny fainted
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Old 20-09-2004, 14:29   #788
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Don't Eat Bran

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Old 21-09-2004, 13:34   #789
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The congregation are sitting quietly in church one Sunday morning. Suddenly, there is a flash of flame, and Satan appears. The congregation rush screaming for the doors, all except one old fellow. Satan stalked over to him and said "Do you know who I am?" "Sure do", said the old fellow. "And you're not afraid of me" asked Satan. "No" said the old fellow. "You realise that I could kill you with one breath?" "Yup" said the old fellow. "You know that I could put you through the torments of Hell?" "Yup" said the old man. "And you're still not afraid of me? - Why not?"

"Been married to your sister for 40 years"
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Old 21-09-2004, 18:38   #790
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 24-09-2004, 20:40   #791
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Ladies, what will you be doing when you're 80?

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 25-09-2004, 12:15   #792
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I realise that we have a few wannabe photographers on Accyweb. Is this what you get up to with your hobby?


Fatherhood by Proxy.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 25-09-2004, 18:51   #793
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This just goes to show, it doesn't always pay to be tactful and take the subtle approach...


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 25-09-2004, 19:15   #794
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Just a quickie...


Q. What do you call a zit on a Blonde's ar$e?

A. A Brain Tumour.
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 26-09-2004, 17:28   #795
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said:

Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me.

One Kiss from you however and I will turn back into the dapper
young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of
lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream
sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't bl***y think so......
>
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