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Old 12-08-2004, 17:43   #736
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A Holy Story - 2 Nuns


One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to take our virginity.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And those of you who thought it would be dirty.........

Pray for forgiveness
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Old 12-08-2004, 19:34   #737
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A short one..


A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she
accidentally breaks wind.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today? Very uncomfortable she asks, Sir how much does this rug cost?

He answers, Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna s**t when you hear the price.
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Old 12-08-2004, 20:40   #738
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Irish Sky Diver

Did you hear about the Irish sky diver who fell to his death last week when his flippers failed to open?
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Old 13-08-2004, 06:57   #739
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Childrens book titles you'll never see..........

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Junior School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Sweets"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket Become Friends"
"Bi-Curious George"
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Old 13-08-2004, 11:32   #740
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."
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Old 13-08-2004, 20:19   #741
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."
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Old 13-08-2004, 20:22   #742
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Land Lord Letters

The following are real examples of letters that have been sent into
Landlords.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools
to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something
about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too
much.
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Old 14-08-2004, 11:33   #743
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Ghosts Joke
A visiting professor at Oxford University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Village idiot student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
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Old 14-08-2004, 18:08   #744
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Re: Joke Of The Day

40 days and 40 nights is a long time to avoid temptation. How long could you go...? Longer than this couple?


Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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Old 14-08-2004, 21:08   #745
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Because the real footy season started today and Wingy says we need to make people happy so they will give us some karma points, which I need, this joke is for the ladies or men who have football loving partners.

HOW TO ANNOY A FOOTBALL FANATIC.

Ask "Was that for offside?" every time the referee blows his whistle for any reason whatsoever.

Suggest that teams should be awarded half-goals for "really near misses".

Insist on an explanation of "goal difference", then pretend that you still don't understand.

Accidentally press play on the video remote control, then spend 10 seconds being unable to find the stop button.

React to the opposition's fifth goal with a cheery,

"Never mind, it's only a game".

Ask if anyone's been given out leg before wicket yet.

Ask why the players and referee can't just get together and discuss that controversial penalty decision in a nice calm, grown-up manner.

Mispronounce Pele as Peel.

Arrange for all your friends to ring up at five-minute intervals, each one pretending to be from a different market-research firm.

Respond to a sending-off by saying, "You know, red just doesn't suit that referee. He'd look much better with a light green card."

Ask why they need to see the fifth ultra-slow-motion replay before yelling, "How did the referee not see that was a penalty?"
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Old 15-08-2004, 09:47   #746
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Re: Joke Of The Day

With the Olympic Games currently being held in Athens, time for a topical joke...


A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"
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Old 15-08-2004, 10:12   #747
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place,
between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the White
House.



Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her internship
and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White
House, the President asked "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"

Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President. I have
heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would
be a good idea."

"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock."

Ashley agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where
they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and
pulled it out.

Ashley gasped. "Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the
Presidential Cock!" To which the President responded: "Ashley honey, once you put a
face and two hands on it, it's a clock!"
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Old 16-08-2004, 17:33   #748
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."


The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.


As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.


As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly.


Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Old 17-08-2004, 17:46   #749
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Re: Joke Of The Day

It's not rude. It's not crude. But it is ever so slightly corny. So without further ado, I give you... Nelson Mandela.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away." and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them," then slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car windscreens.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
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Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 17-08-2004, 17:55   #750
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Catch an eyeful of this...


The Model Lodger

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred. "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
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