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Old 03-07-2004, 20:06   #631
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Re: Joke Of The Day

When I last rang my shrink, I got his answerphone message...


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'
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Old 04-07-2004, 03:13   #632
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A graduate stright out of oxford goes to his first interview.....
What salary were you looking for?
Oh, about 75,000 a year..
Well how about a company expense account and a company car, also lets pay for your petrol.......
Wow your joking said the grad
Well you started it said the interviewer.
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Old 04-07-2004, 05:20   #633
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women

#10: You can trade an old .44 for a new 22.

#9: You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.

#8: If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, He'll probably let you try it out a few times.

#7: Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.

#6: Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5: A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4: Handguns function normally everyday of the month.

#3: A handgun doesn't ask, do these new grips make me look fat?

#2: A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1: You can buy a silencer for a handgun
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Old 04-07-2004, 17:16   #634
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Re: Joke Of The Day

We never got exam questions this easy in the days of O-levels...


GCSE Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES


Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question, attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted. You are going to fail.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates.

Include in your answer:
a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.
a) Sex Boat
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

5. Women drivers eh? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart.
- What apparatus would you require?
- What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits?
- Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lambourghinni Diablo and
the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.

Wasn't that easy GCSE = General Certificate Sent to Everyone
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Old 04-07-2004, 22:56   #635
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A short one..

A man and a woman are riding in an elevator together. The man turns to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman replies, "YOU CAN NOT!"
The man says, "Oh, then it must be your feet."
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Old 04-07-2004, 23:08   #636
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Short but good lettie......more please.
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Old 04-07-2004, 23:40   #637
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Short 'n' sick.....

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk.

The drunk rolls around, leans over, and "Splat! " He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

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Old 05-07-2004, 10:47   #638
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there
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Old 05-07-2004, 18:14   #639
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Well, the Spice Girls have split, Girls Aloud are heading the same way. It looks like there is a vacancy in the market...


Spice Girls II Application Form



Name: _____________________


Age: ______________________

Real Age: __________________

How would you best describe yourself?
( ) An energetic self-starter
( ) A team player
( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits? _______

Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred? ___________

'I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry.'
( )Yes ( )No

How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar? ___________

Does nudity bother you? ______________
If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.

Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
( )Yes ( )No

Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy, Sickly, Slappy.

Choose an appropriate image:
( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
( ) Tub of lard
( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit.
( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
( ) Terrifying to small children and old men
( ) All of the above

Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
( )Yes ( )No

If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres, and 75 kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?

In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really want, this job.
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Old 05-07-2004, 20:31   #640
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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Old 06-07-2004, 17:33   #641
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

-----------------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
-----------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Old 06-07-2004, 18:00   #642
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I suppose this is called getting the Bum's Rush...


This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says, "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
To which the little boy responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
Again the little boy responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," says Grandpa.

"Then go f*ck yourself!"
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Old 07-07-2004, 12:44   #643
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Re: Joke Of The Day

So the new super duper multiple choice brothel opens in town and the guy goes along to sample the delights. He pays his fee at the door and goes to the first room. There are three doors Brunette, Blonde, Redhead. He goes through the one marked Blonde. There are a further three doors Small, Tall, Medium. He goes through the one marked medium. Next there are two doors slim, not so slim. He goes through the one marked slim. The next room has two doors small boobs, big boobs. He goes for the big boobs (well, there's a surprise.) The final room has two doors marked hard c**t and soft c**t. He walks through the one marked soft c**t and falls down the lift shaft.
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Old 07-07-2004, 15:47   #644
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to

people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an

observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to

Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The

following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was

posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.



Dear Dr. Laura

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have

learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as

many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,

for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to

be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other

specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a

pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They

claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus

21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her

period of menstrual cleanliness

- Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but

most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,

provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine

claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2

clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him

myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I

don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a

defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my

vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around

their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How

should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me

unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different

crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two

different kinds of thread (cotton/ polyester blend). He also tends to curse

and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of

getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24: 10-16. Couldn't we

just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people

who sleep with their in-laws?

(Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can

help. Thank you again for reminding us that Gods word is eternal and

unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Jack

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The views expressed here are my own and not necessarily those of my family, friends, employer, this site, my neighbours, hairdresser, dentist, GP, next door's dog or anyone else who knows me..
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Old 07-07-2004, 16:17   #645
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Re: Joke Of The Day

If we are on a religious theme, Here's one...


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."


Think about it
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