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Old 13-07-2004, 15:40   #676
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Re: Joke Of The Day

One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Old 13-07-2004, 19:15   #677
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Remember chaps, if you're being henpecked, it's your dominatrix's way of saying she loves you.


31 questions to Men

1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life-span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.

Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our @rses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their @ses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
1. Please sleep with me.
2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6. Stop nagging me.
7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

15. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

16. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at
things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

19. Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

21. Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

24. Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behaviour. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial co-ordinate motor co-ordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

28. Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage.

And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

31. Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

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Old 13-07-2004, 19:53   #678
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Re: Joke Of The Day

We've all had this little chat!!

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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Old 13-07-2004, 22:01   #679
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Santa does exist, and this proves it...


Johnny and Santa

The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny. You want some t-o-y-s," he says, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word toys.

"No, I've got plenty of toys," replies Johnny.

"Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa.

"No, I've got all the games I want," came Johnny's reply.

"Well Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you want?" asked Santa.

"I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter. "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
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Old 14-07-2004, 09:29   #680
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes
later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to
him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that
window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to
him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
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Old 15-07-2004, 16:25   #681
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A short rude one which was gifted to me by ************........

Two pensioners are having oral sex, the man says

"I can't stay down there it stinks!"

"Sorry, it's my arthritis," says the woman.

"What, in your fanny?"

"No, in my arms, I can't reach my @rse to wipe it."


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Old 16-07-2004, 01:13   #682
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
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Old 16-07-2004, 21:19   #683
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Re: Joke Of The Day

When I was walking round the Asda today, I bought a loaf of bread, and I thought it had your name one the bag; but when I looked a little closer, it said, "Thick Cut."
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Old 17-07-2004, 09:32   #684
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I guess we all have communication difficulties from time to time....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Listen carefully, for the last time, I said ........BRING POSSE!'

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Old 17-07-2004, 17:02   #685
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Electricians, we're all the same...


The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable.

Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'f*cking shovel.'"
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Old 17-07-2004, 19:37   #686
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Re: Joke Of The Day

We ain't had a red-neck joke in ages. So without further ado, let me introduce you to those good ol' boys, Jake and Bubba...


Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud,
obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money
for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and
got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look
so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and
agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the
tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and
started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing
Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked
up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't
nobody ever gotten out that thing."

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up
and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In
the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,
"Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds
after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the
contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to
ten.

Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was Pi$$ed off.
He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20
seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran
back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious
Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee. Jake ran into the
ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba
were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what
happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I
thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could
hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and
in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit
down as hard as I could on those things."

"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he
bites his own balls."
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Old 18-07-2004, 10:46   #687
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Re: Joke Of The Day

An alien came to earth, step down from his space ship and said: "I come in peace". Then he gets out his gun and start shooting at everyone. One of the guys who is running away shouts to his friend: " I thought he said he comes in peace!". The alien says: "You miss-understood me, peace is the name of my space ship"
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Old 18-07-2004, 11:03   #688
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This goes to show that not all blood suckers work for the Inland Revenue; there's Dracula, and there's....


Dracula was killed one day, so up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had commited, going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins," said God. "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a Living thing with wings & sucks blood, heh... heh.. heh."
"So be it," said God and He turned Dracula into a Vampire Bat.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil' bit sheepish. "I'll give you another chance," said God. "I'll send you back again but not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a Living thing with wings & sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want," and turned Dracula into a Mosquito.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, Splat! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. But, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a 'Non-Living Thing' of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a Non-Living thing with Wings & Sucks Blood!!! heh...heh...heh."
"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a Non-Living thing with wings & sucks blood.

Dracula became an Always Ultra Sanitary Pad.
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Old 19-07-2004, 08:09   #689
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Never trust doctors!!

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door .She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there... and it *hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream. "My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!"cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
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Old 19-07-2004, 11:51   #690
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'f**k him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."
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