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Old 25-06-2004, 21:53   #601
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The Queen has been busy on Accyweb tonight


The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier, "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Venereal disease."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic," he replied.

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get out of here and serve my country."

"Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Hemorrhoids."

Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic." "To get out of here and serve my country"

"Well done, soldier" says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies "Strep throat."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get to the wire brush before those other two b@$t@rd$!"
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Old 26-06-2004, 21:38   #602
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Everybody does it and once in a while you hear a joke about it but.... Has anybody ever analysed it to this extent.

The jokes section is proud to present.

THE DUMP LIST
The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump -

Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump-

Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your bum feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump -

Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump -

In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump -

This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump -

You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up
your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump -

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump -

You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.


The Alfresco Dump -

Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump -

This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
Scream
Call an Obstetrician
Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump -

The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump -

You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump -

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
Flush the toilet
Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump -

You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump -

For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe
the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump -

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because
if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump -

You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down.
Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump -

Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a sh*t in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump -

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back
up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump -

No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump -

You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.

The Encore Dump -

Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump -

This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion"you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

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Old 27-06-2004, 17:03   #603
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Re: Joke Of The Day

There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when one of them told the other one he had to take a dump. Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles, he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper, but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar. The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business. He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"
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Old 27-06-2004, 17:16   #604
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

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Old 27-06-2004, 17:32   #605
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man decides to visit a whorehouse. He is sitting in the waiting room when he notices jars of tomatoes on the shelves. Suddenly noticing that he is hungry, he opens a jar and precedes to devour an entire jar. The next day he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his prostitute. On the third day he asks a hooker where they got those juicy tomatoes. The whore replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last weeks abortions
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Old 27-06-2004, 19:31   #606
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Howdy.

How do you make a Lasso with one finger?
.
.
The answer = .. with one finger.
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Old 27-06-2004, 21:16   #607
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back

and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where
was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key"
the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that
you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's
gone, too!!!!!"





A little something I've been wondering about....

Now that there's a gay bishop in the States, does that make it ok to covet your neighbours ass???
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Old 27-06-2004, 21:27   #608
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Re: Joke Of The Day

While we are on the subject of all things ablutionary...


15 Easy Steps to Poo Like a Man.

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
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Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 27-06-2004, 21:33   #609
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Hehehehehe...

15 easy ways to poo like a woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any
stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your husband. Also
wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet
since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as
opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee
that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your
husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to
open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to
watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and lower the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your husband and leave bathroom,
closing the door firmly behind you.

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Old 27-06-2004, 22:07   #610
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Re: Joke Of The Day

When you've gotta go, you've gotta go... but don't do this


A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.

He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a cr@p, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.'

So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.

The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!

Last edited by Sparkologist; 28-06-2004 at 20:11.
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Old 28-06-2004, 07:36   #611
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Just a quick question...


Why call something an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, when we call something inside your ass a heamorrhoid????
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.


The views expressed here are my own and not necessarily those of my family, friends, employer, this site, my neighbours, hairdresser, dentist, GP, next door's dog or anyone else who knows me..

Last edited by lettie; 29-06-2004 at 16:21.
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Old 28-06-2004, 10:17   #612
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sixty Minutes
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"
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Old 28-06-2004, 11:20   #613
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Toilet humour seems to be all the rage at the moment...


Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

"You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.

"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?"
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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Old 28-06-2004, 20:43   #614
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Anyone here any good at darts?


Phil Taylor the multiple World Darts Champion was making a come back.
As we are all aware, he'd had his problems and name dragged through the press for sexual harrassment of women. Ha thought he would never play darts again, until one day, he found God. The Church became the emotional crutch that he could lean on in times of dispair. As a result of this, he promised all his winnings from darts competitions would go to the Church, which would in turn help the needy.

The first round of the World Darts Championship was being played, and Phil Taylor had brought his eclesiastical entourage to cheer him on, and act as moral support. The best seats in the house, right behind the oche, were taken by the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Vicar from Phil's parish church and three nuns from the convent in the town where Phil Taylor lived.

Phil Taylor was first to throw:
First arrow. Thud, into the board. Twenty...
Second dart. Thud. Treble Twenty, and the crowd cheer.
Third dart. Dink. It rebounds off the wire, sails back over Taylor's shoulder and catches one of the nuns clean between the eyes, and she falls to the floor, out cold.

Sid Wardell, the MC, jumps down off the stage, runs to the stricken nun and pulls the dart out. The paramedics were called, and say that unfortunately there is nothing they can do. By this time, Phil Taylor is beside himself with grief, but realises that the game must be finished.

Sid Wardell clambers back onto the stage to announce the score. He picks up his microphone, turns to the crowd and says, "One dead nun and eighty!"
__________________
Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!

Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!

Last edited by Sparkologist; 28-06-2004 at 21:06. Reason: My brain doesn't do spellcheck tonight.
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Old 29-06-2004, 14:36   #615
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Re: Joke Of The Day

As the door is opened, the travelling salesmans shocked to see a little lad, stood in a silk dressing gown, cigar in one hand, glass of whiskey in the other! Looking further into the house, a prostitute is laying spent across the couch!

"Er, hello young man" he manages to stammer, "Is your mommy or daddy home?"

Little Johnny looks at him increduously, "Does it f***ing look like it?"
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