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Old 29-06-2004, 17:50   #616
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:
Originally Posted by lettie
A little something I've been wondering about....

Now that there's a gay bishop in the States, does that make it ok to covet your neighbours ass???
I cannot speak for the Bishop's Ass, but this is how a Priest's Ass got the Bishop in trouble


A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.


The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day!
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Old 29-06-2004, 20:42   #617
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Back to basics...

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

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Old 29-06-2004, 21:39   #618
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A few years down the line, Jack and Bill are at it again..


Jack and Bill are having a quiet beer one night when Bill announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief," says Jack, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Bill, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jack says "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Bill replies, "What - and have a house full of kids???"
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Old 30-06-2004, 10:55   #619
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Crowded Subway
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
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Old 30-06-2004, 17:01   #620
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This one is a real barrel of laughs...


There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the rest rooms, when you feel the need, stick your dick in the hole for a blowjob."

So the next day, the guy sees the owner, and says, "This place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday."

The owner says, "Everyday except Mondays."

"Why not on Mondays?"

The owner says, "That's your day in the barrel."
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Last edited by Sparkologist; 30-06-2004 at 22:11.
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Old 01-07-2004, 07:23   #621
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Re: Joke Of The Day

And God created the North...



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God,

"Where have you been?" God pointed downnwards through the clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked,

"What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the north of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire alone, and many impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from North England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

"What about balance God, you said there will be balance?"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the set of w**kers I'm putting down South!!"

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Old 01-07-2004, 21:53   #622
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sticking loosely to the religious theme...


A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he said.

So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!"

"What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" cried the priest.

"I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. So he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
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Old 02-07-2004, 10:43   #623
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Re: Joke Of The Day

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"
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Old 03-07-2004, 13:46   #624
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This guy was invited to a stag night but his wife didn't want him to go.

"Last time you went to a stag night you got totally blind drunk and spewed all over yourself ruining a new suit", she said.

"I promise that I'll behave myself", he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.

So he goes along to the party and orders a lemon squash to do the right thing. Next he has a couple of light beers still trying to make sure that he doesn't overdo it. After that he started drinking heavies and by 10.30pm he's starting to get p***ed.

"Sh*t my wife will kill me if I end up blind drunk. Last time I ruined a new suit by vomiting all over myself" he tells a friend.

"No worries", says his mate. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet and, if you end up throwing up on your suit you give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".

So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really getting into the booze.

By 2:00 AM he is sh*tfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door.

"Right, that's it! I've had enough of you, I'm leaving" his wife says.

"No, no you've got it all wrong!", says the drunk guy, "I didn't do this, someone else was so drunk they threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.

"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?", asked the wife.

He replied, "Oh, the other $20 is from the guy who sh*t in my pants!"

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Old 03-07-2004, 16:20   #625
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Heres one 4 u

A loud pounding on the door at 3 in the morning wakens a man and his wife.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring
rain asking for a push.

'Not a chance', says the man , 'its 3 in the morning' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' , asked his wife.

'Just some drunk asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks

'No, I did not', he replies, 'its 3 in the morning'.

She remonstrates with him reminding him when two men helped them push their car.

'Go and help him', she orders.

The man gets dressed , goes downstairs into the pouring of rain.

'Are you there ?' he shouts out into the darkness and rain.

'Yes' comes back the answer

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband

'Yes please' comes the reply.

'Where are you? shouts the husband

'Im on the swing' replies the drunk

God Bless the Drunk
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Old 03-07-2004, 16:23   #626
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Re: Joke Of The Day

o man i got loads cum on ppl mek mi laff


This is soooo stupid but true . . .
and it's going to drive you crazy!

While sitting at your desk,
lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this,
draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction
and there's nothing you can do about it
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Old 03-07-2004, 16:25   #627
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Re: Joke Of The Day

gud things to do at the cinema tried and tested by me and Charli
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Old 03-07-2004, 16:26   #628
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Smile Re: Joke Of The Day

Wear a top hat.

Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

Clap when the good guy gets killed.

Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."

During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.

Yell out what is going to happen.

Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
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Old 03-07-2004, 16:30   #629
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Re: Joke Of The Day

25 signs that u r old

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2.Your back goes out more than you do.

3.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4.You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5.You are proud of your lawn mower

6.Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8.You sing along with the elevator music.

9.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?".

13.You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14.You send money to PBS.

15.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16.You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20.You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22.You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23.You can go bowling without drinking.

24.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it

25.You read this looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!
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Old 03-07-2004, 19:25   #630
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
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