Joke Of The Day - Page 91

flashy · 20-01-2008, 19:28

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise"! were my last words. Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. And a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed .... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos equals
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, ****", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted".

flashy · 20-01-2008, 19:31

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

flashy · 21-01-2008, 11:25

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

steeljack · 21-01-2008, 20:31

Deer Meat

A Man kills a deer and takes it home for his wife to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife, knowing their children's love of Bambi,
decide it's perhaps best that they don't reveal to the children what the meat is.

But the kids almost immediately pick up on the "gamey-ness" in
the taste of the meat and demand to know what it is they're eating.

After much repeated pestering, the father succumbs to his
belief that a parent should be honest with his children whenever
possible and says he will tell them when they guess right.

"Give us a clue, give us a clue!," the kids say.

"Okay," the father says, "It's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

The oldest child screams to her younger brother, "Oh, my God, don't
eat it ....
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
... IT'S AN A**HOLE!

panther · 04-02-2008, 09:10

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Jamal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Jamal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

panther · 04-02-2008, 09:13

and another

.....
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

BOOM BOOM

blazey · 06-02-2008, 19:45

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel, and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defence has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

jaysay · 07-02-2008, 09:50

A bloke tells his mate that Psyciatrists are rubbish. I had a whole year of therapy and it was an utter failure. His mate says but aren't you cured now? the bloke says I guess so, but a year ago i was Napoleon, now i'm a nobody

flashy · 10-02-2008, 19:46

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead

Eric · 15-02-2008, 18:35

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, if they are small enough.

MikeSz · 19-02-2008, 07:52

A woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

jaysay · 19-02-2008, 09:53

Five tips for a man seeking a perfect relationship

1/ it's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2/It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3/ it's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who would never lie to you.

4/ its important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

5/ it's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other

jaysay · 21-02-2008, 10:23

An old lady is stopped for speeding, the officer asks her for her licence, she tells him she had it taken away 4 years ago for drink drivng. He then asks her for her other documents, she tells him that she's stollen the car killed the the driver and put him in the boot. The officer calls for armed backup, they arrive and the senior officers opens the boot and its empty. he says to the old lady wheres the body, she say I don't, he will be telling you next that I was speeding

jaysay · 21-02-2008, 10:24

double post sorry

flashy · 25-02-2008, 20:58

German guy approaches a prostitute and says ' I vish to buy sex vit you'

'OK' says the girl, 'I charge 100 quid an hour'

'Is goot' says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky'

'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.'

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans and knees.'

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

'You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.'

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all
the guy is paying. She is bounced all over the room
by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax
is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several
minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps 'That was
totally amazing....... what do you call that?'

'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique'