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Old 28-06-2008, 21:25   #1396
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him -- it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Old 29-06-2008, 13:15   #1397
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Re: Joke Of The Day

a chicken and a donkey go for a walk in the country.. the donkey falls down a hole so the chicken gets a rope, fastens it onto a nearby BMW and uses it to pull the donkey out.

Next day they are walking in the same place and the chicken falls down the hole.. the donkey stands over the hole and put his erm...penis in and uses it to pull the chicken out

Moral of the story.......... If you are hung like a donkey you dont need a BMW to pull a chick
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Old 10-07-2008, 13:00   #1398
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Ok, this might not be as good as some of the jokes on ere but here goes..

A mother was going through her 12 year olds sock draw when she discovered an "S+M" magazine. Shocked, she run down stairs to her husband. "Derek, look what ive found in our sons draws" and throws the mag at her husband, who proceeds to flick through the bondage mag with interest. "oooh, ahhh...terrible, terrible" says the husband.
"Oh Derek, what are we gonna do?", asks the mother.
The husband pauses, scratches his chin and replies..."Well, i dont think we should spank him"

LOL

I'll get me coat
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Old 10-07-2008, 13:08   #1399
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This is actually one of Tylers.......

Why did the piece of cake get in the car?

Because it was parkin!

made me laugh anyway

Ill be joining Danny then lol
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Like the old woman who lived in a shoe, i have so many children i can't fit the tickers in my signature.....

I finally found someone daft enough to marry me, my wonderboy is 11, my monkeygirl is 3 and my bananaman is 2, my beautiful little flower was born in feb 2012
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Old 06-08-2008, 15:06   #1400
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Re: Joke Of The Day

heres one for you...

Why wasnt Jesus born in Burnley?
Because they couldnt find three wise men, OR a virgin!
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I sometimes lay down at night and stare at the stars and its then i realise.. SOMEONE'S STOLE MY ROOF!!!

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That GORDON BROWN, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?
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Old 13-08-2008, 20:10   #1401
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Re: Joke Of The Day

How do these people survive?


ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,'
was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.


TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid
her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do
you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into
my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,
too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it
and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk.'


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.


SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.'
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'


EIGHT
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency!


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.'
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Old 29-08-2008, 10:55   #1402
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Re: Joke Of The Day

whats the highest mountain in liverpool?



killamanforagiro
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Old 29-08-2008, 11:26   #1403
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man meets a girl in a bar. Hi luv, whats your name?
Carmen she replies because i love men and cars!!! Whats yours she asks
Well in that case my name is Charlie Beerfanny
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:51   #1404
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:52   #1405
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Re: Joke Of The Day

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:53   #1406
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Re: Joke Of The Day

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
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Old 17-09-2008, 06:40   #1407
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. The woman did as she was told.

Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

Worried the woman asked anxiously Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.
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Old 19-09-2008, 06:51   #1408
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Re: Joke Of The Day

How Blonde Is She???
She was So Blonde:..............
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care centre.
At the bottom of an application where it says Sign here:she wrote Sagittarius.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
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Old 07-10-2008, 14:47   #1409
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football
game.

> At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the
> three
> women buy just one ticket.
>
> "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
> one
> of the men.
>
> "Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
>
> They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats
> but
> all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
>
> Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
> collecting tickets.
>
> He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please. The door
> opens
> just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
>
> The conductor takes it and moves on.
>
> The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so,
> after
> the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save
> some money.
>
> When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
> trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy
> any
> ticket at all!!
>
> "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
> man".
>
>
> "Watch and learn," answer the women.
>
> When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a
> toilet,
> and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
> Shortly
> after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and
> walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
>
> The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
>
> (I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter
> than
> women).
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Old 08-10-2008, 11:46   #1410
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sick day
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'.
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'...And where do you think you're going?'


She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
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