Joke Of The Day

[landhusweg]

An old one but still funny!
A guy went into an Army & Navy Store and wanted to purchase a pair of camouflage trousers for hiking, but couldn’t see any, so left the store without any!
Cheers

[landhusweg]

Just decided to do something different. Instead of writing various jokes, just look at some of the jokes from the late Tommy Cooper, who was one of my favourite comedians:

https://www.gagajoyjoy.com/topic/the...me-of-his-best

Enjoy & Cheers

[Margaret Pilkington]

I can hear him in my head delivering these jokes.

[Margaret Pilkington]

An old lady is in court for shop lifting.
She stole a can of peaches.
The magistrate asks her why she stole the peaches.
She tells him it was just an impulse and she has never done it before.
The magistrate asks how many peaches were in the tin.
‘Six’ she tells him.
‘Well in that case I will send you to prison for six weeks’ says the magistrate.
Her husband who is in the public gallery shouts out ‘she stole a tin of peas as well’

Well, it made me laugh.

[Margaret Pilkington]

A man comes home from a hard days graft and finds his wife lying on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate.
He explodes with temper and says to her.
‘I am the master of this house. From tomorrow I expect to find a gourmet meal being cooked when I get home. That includes a delicious dessert.
Once the meal is over I expect you to wash the dishes, then run me a scented bubble bath.
I want you to scrub my back, wrap me in a warm fluffy towel, massage my feet, cut my toe nails.
And in the morning, who do you think will be laying out my clothes?’

The wife looks at him and says ‘I guess that just might be the undertaker’


Have a great day, all of you out there reading this….that means the two of you then!

[Margaret Pilkington]

Paddy is on the final question on Who wants to be a Millionairre.
He has just one lifeline left…it is the ‘phone a friend’ lifeline.
Jeremy Clarkson asks him the question.
Which bird does not build a nest?
A)a blackbird.
B) a starling.
C) a Sparrow.
C) a cuckoo.
Paddy scratches his head, he has not got a clue.
He uses his phone a friend lifeline and phones Mick.
He asks Mick the question and right away Mick tells him it is the cuckoo.
Paddy wins the million.
After the show the two guys are sinking a few Guinness and Paddy says to Mick
‘How did you know it was the cuckoo Mick?’
‘To be sure Paddy, everybody knows that the cuckoo lives in a clock’

Ok, I’ll get my coat!

[pompeylass]

(Q); What's the staple diet of a pigeon?

(A); Tarmac.

[pompeylass]

Q; Why can't you buy aspirins in the jungle?

A; 'Cos the parrots eat 'em all. (Paracetamol)

He He.

[pompeylass]

Q; What's the main affliction of a beachcomber.

A; Sand in me toe-sis.

[pompeylass]

Q; What's the best gift you can buy?

A; A Broken Drum. You just can't beat it!

[pompeylass]

I walked down the street in town, dressed as a screw-driver.

That turned a few heads.

[pompeylass]

Q; What's the similarity between Red Bull, the drink, and Always Sanitary products?

A; They both gives you Wings!

[pompeylass]

Q; What do you call an alligator in a vest?

A; An investigator.

Get away.

[landhusweg]

A guy comes home drunk again, his wife turns to him and remarks “I cannot understand why you do this to me,” he then replies “If you don’t understand, then you shouldn’t talk about it.”
Cheers

[pompeylass]

A little 5 year-old lad has a week off from school - teacher wants to know why he was away.
He says 'My mum was in bed, cos she had a bus'.

The annoyed teacher doesn't except this lame excuse. 'Well, perhaps it was a coach she had, then', says the boy.
Teacher says 'Tomorrow, I want a note from your parents telling me the reason, or else'.

Next day the boy gives a note to the teacher, who reads it. 'Ah! It seems your mother's had a mis-carriage, lad. I'm sorry to hear that'

'Ahh! That's it. I knew it was something on wheels'.