[West Ender]

I once took my grandson to a cafe in a shopping mall in Warrington. He was about 5 at the time (he's now 19). They had a children's menu and he decided he would like sausage, egg, beans and chips. When I tried to order this the waitress said, "We do sausage, beans and chips or egg, beans and chips but we don't do sausage, egg, beans and chips." I was a bit taken aback but I said, very politely, "As you have sausages and beans and eggs and chips, why can't I have them?" "It's not on the menu", she said. "But you have everything we want," says I. "Surely you can do sausage, beans, egg and chips? I'll pay for everything." "No," she said. "It's not on the menu".

The argument went on for a good 5 minutes and I was getting nowhere but I don't give up easily. In the end I said, "OK, give me a plate of sausage, beans and chips, and a plate of egg, beans and chips without the beans and chips". She gave me a look that could have felled an ox, disappeared for a good 15 minutes and came back with 2 plates. One had sausage, beans and chips and the other had egg - and the scrapings-off of beans and chips. She banged them down so hard they almost cracked and stalked off, muttering.

I didn't leave a tip!