Doug & Sandra Fan Club

Tealeaf · 26-10-2004, 16:38

I've got to be honest and say I wanted to post this on the Hyndburnlite.org site, but unfortunatly it would'nt let me when I tried. In fact, it appears to be a little bit like winning ten quid on the lottery; sometimes your posts come up, but most of the time you get nowt. Unlike, of course, the magnificent success of our marvellous crime-fighting Czars, Doug & Sandra Hoyle.

Is there not a day that goes by without us hearing of another splendid initiative or daring deed undertaken by our fearless duo? Is it not the case that the good citizens of Hyndburn can sleep soundly in their beds at night (and in Letties case during the day, when she's on nights), due to their mighty endeavours? They bravely go where others fear to thread, and thanks to them the criminal fraternity of Hyndburn is now firmly on the back foot (apart from friday and saturday night, when they take over the town centre)

Therefore, by way of a thank-you, I am proposing a fan club, with possibly myself as secretary and, I hope, Acyrlic-Bob as honoury chairman. Who else wants to join? Who else wants to be kept updated, 24/7, on the deeds of our noble crusaders, Doug & Sandra?

pendy · 26-10-2004, 16:48

Are there capes involved? If so, count me in.

Purely out of interest, who on earth are Doug & Sandra Hoyle and what equips them to be crime-fighters extraordinaire? (It must be extraordinaire because it's b****r all else use).

Tealeaf · 26-10-2004, 16:54

They are elected representatives who, when not sitting in the Council's Cabinet Office are wearing out boot leather on Hyndburn's mean streets or launching another challenging initiative or clamping down on whatever has to be clamped down on or........the list goes on.

pendy · 26-10-2004, 17:02

OK, that's what (or who) they are, but what makes them so suitable to be crime-fighters? If anything?

Tealeaf · 26-10-2004, 17:03

They're cronies of Britcliffe.

lettie · 26-10-2004, 17:13

I thought their surname was Hayes??? Which just goes to show in true crime-fighting comic book style that nobody really knows the true names of our intrepid duo..

I personally can't wait for my weekly copy of the Observer to find out what this glorious pair have tackled next. They are so versatile, fire escapes and harsh words about anti-social behaviour. I can't wait until they stumble on the pensioners 'black market' Lily of the Valley and Lavender scam going on under our noses at the moment..

pendy · 26-10-2004, 17:27

I may be naive, but wouldn't a good first step towards effective crime-fighting in Accy be to have a manned police station - properly manned, 24 hours, like it used to be? One bobby and a dog to cover all of Hyndburn doesn't seem very effective to me. Can Doug & Sandra fly like Superman? Do they have super-strength, X-ray vision, etc? Can they leap tall buildings at a single bound?

If not, a few more policemen might be a good idea ... unless of course they were too busy targeting parking offences etc ....

Acrylic-bob · 26-10-2004, 18:02

>>Can Doug & Sandra fly like Superman? Do they have super-strength, X-ray vision, etc? Can they leap tall buildings at a single bound?<<

Errrm, weeeeell, to be honest, no, not exactly. But they are good at liaising and they are pretty hot at attending council meetings and drawing allowances and according to Peter "I'm worth £16,000 a year" Britcliffe, they are worth it too and we are really lucky to have them.

I would just like to add that I would be deeply honoured to assume the mantle of Chairman of the Doug and Sandra Hayes Fan Club. I would like to thank Tealeaf for his nomination. I think our Crime Czar's need all the support we as a community can offer them. To this end I am proposing a whip-round to buy them each a pair of surgical support stockings and a set of "Go-faster" stripes to attach to their Zimmer frames.

Anything left over, will be donated to the " Community Wardens unemployment fund".

Bagpuss · 26-10-2004, 19:26

Here are the deadly duo !!!!

Darby · 27-10-2004, 05:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bagpuss

Here are the deadly duo !!!!

Which is Which????

Acrylic-bob · 27-10-2004, 13:42

The Zen of Crime Fighting.

Few people know this but Doug spent decades studying Zen attitudes to civic responsibility in a legendary secret Shaolin Temple located somewhere deep in the barren, bleak wastes of Green Haworth. Long years of hardship and study, with only the occaisional sheep and his pet ferret for company, equipped Doug to deal with the monstrous tide of evil that currently engulfs the borough.

At the heart of the Zen philosophy of crime fighting is the maxim which Doug learned at the feet of the grand master of the temple, the mysterious and revered figure known only as ‘Eric, the Sheep Botherer'. Which is, in essence, ‘You are but a rock in the river, grasshopper. The tide of life moves past and around you, and you may observe it, but it need not move you’.

Doug assimilated this doctrine of non-interference and used it to develop his revolutionary and highly profitable crime fighting techniques. Doug is firmly of the conviction that, if you do absolutely nothing at all, and keep doing it for long enough, the criminal will eventually get bored and go away. Thus the problem is solved in a completely non-violent, non-confrontational and profoundly politically correct way. Everybody is happy and there are calls for choruses of ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow!’ and extra allowances all round.

Darby · 27-10-2004, 14:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acrylic-bob

The Zen of Crime Fighting.

Few people know this but Doug spent decades studying Zen attitudes to civic responsibility in a legendary secret Shaolin Temple located somewhere deep in the barren, bleak wastes of Green Haworth. Long years of hardship and study, with only the occaisional sheep and his pet ferret for company, equipped Doug to deal with the monstrous tide of evil that currently engulfs the borough.

At the heart of the Zen philosophy of crime fighting is the maxim which Doug learned at the feet of the grand master of the temple, the mysterious and revered figure known only as ‘Eric, the Sheep Botherer'. Which is, in essence, ‘You are but a rock in the river, grasshopper. The tide of life moves past and around you, and you may observe it, but it need not move you’.

Doug assimilated this doctrine of non-interference and used it to develop his revolutionary and highly profitable crime fighting techniques. Doug is firmly of the conviction that, if you do absolutely nothing at all, and keep doing it for long enough, the criminal will eventually get bored and go away. Thus the problem is solved in a completely non-violent, non-confrontational and profoundly politically correct way. Everybody is happy and there are calls for choruses of ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow!’ and extra allowances all round.

I'm sure I can detect a slight (very slight).................case of sarcasm

But the mind boggles at your descriptive powers A-Bob.....some of us are mere humans, and cannot comprehend the musings of an acient sage

Acrylic-bob · 27-10-2004, 14:14

>>I'm sure I can detect a slight (very slight).................case of sarcasm <<

Do you think so, really? I am mortified.

lettie · 27-10-2004, 15:32

I would like to thank the Chairman of the Doug and Sandra fan club for giving me a damn good laugh. It's not often I crack up laughing after just getting out of bed following a busy night shift. I doff my cap to the honourable Chairman and Secretary, and ask if you need anyone to take minutes at the next fan club meeting??

Acrylic-bob · 27-10-2004, 16:01

Well thank-you, Lettie. Tea and I do our best, but we cannot compete with Doug and Sandra and the rest of the jokers at HBC.