They're only after you money!

Less · 23-11-2004, 12:08

The thread that A-B posted on about monies got me thinking,
what scheme in amongst the variety that are there to part the gullible from their cash have you seen advertised either on TV, in newspapers or on the web?

I think my favourite at the moment must be adopt a Dolphin. It is absolutely perfect all you need is a bank account, & a very remote address.

The bank account will look after itself sitting there collecting all those donations paid in by direct debit, marvellous.
The address not quite as simple, somewhere remote but located near the sea so that it sounds genuine enough, lets pull a name out of the hat, And the winner is............. Funzie, Shetland Isles.
Now you need this address because this is where your dolphins are going to send their news letters from Once every three months or so, just to keep the adoptee happy & interested.
The other thing you might consider is having an office there manned by some one that looks like Captain Birds-eye. The reason for this is just in case somebody did actually make the trip to visit his or her dolphin, after all we trust Captain Birds-eye don't we?
So the person who has adopted a dolphin turns up at the office (we will assume it's you) & enquires about his/her dolphin, "Oh Arrr moiy beuttty, just ee be coming onto the landing stage with me", says the Captain. There he hands you a telescope, never having used one before there is no chance of getting it into focus (but you won't admit to that). "noew just ee be apointin that there glarss out there just beyond yon' lot of breakers oh arrr". You point you see nothing, "Now you be seei'n that low grey shape in the water that be yor'n O.K.?".
Even better for the Captain if you turn up with your children in tow, the Captain asks "& what be the name of your dolphin, I'll look it up in my big book here".
You tell the Captain Fluffy the dolphin & blush slightly with embarrassment. It's at this point the smile disappears from the Captains face & he throws himself backwards into his deep leather chair. "arrgh moiy deeer I'm not needin' to look up your fluffy, we used to call her Fluffykins round these parts".
You notice that he used the past tense, "used to call her?". "Tragic, TRAGIC", groans the Captain, "If only you'd got here 48 hours earlier you' have seen her frolicking in the waves there", His head sinks into his hands & you think you hear sobbing. "But what happened?" you ask. He looks up and grips you in a stare from his watery grey/blue eye, " Why it were them dang' fishin' nets she got 'erself a tangled & a mangled, oh I can't tell EE no more.
Your children are now in hysterics at the thought of poor fluffy being no more; you start to panic at the thought that they need comforting. With perfect timing the Captain having watched you closely now goes on to explain that the reason poor little fluffykins met such a tragic end was because you were only donating a flat rate towards her protection and it would cost a great deal more to keep a 24 hour watch on a dolphin. Every member of your family is glaring at you now, they are all silently accusing you of murder. The only person looking kindly at you is the Captain. Grasping at straws you ask "How much would it cost to adopt another dolphin (Fluffy II), as if by magic a form from the Captains bank appears before you, you sign leaving the amount for the Captain to fill in, (you can't seem mean in front of your family now). You make your way as quickly as possible to get off the island.
The Captain is happy he knows you'll never return just in case he has another tale of woe to tell he also knows that you will be paying him once a month for ever because NOW he knows your children & he is going to send the news letter straight to them, you just daren't let ANYTHING happen to this dolphin.

staggeringman · 23-11-2004, 13:30

sorry les been there dun it wore the t shirt,got wife a dolphin on the moray firth called bubbles for a valentines prezzie!!!!!!!

JohnW · 23-11-2004, 13:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by staggeringman

sorry les been there dun it wore the t shirt,got wife a dolphin on the moray firth called bubbles for a valentines prezzie!!!!!!!

This was after a real hefty night on the ale of course eh?

Doug · 23-11-2004, 13:50

They called it bubbles after the trail of bubbles it made laughing all the way to the Royal Bank of Somewhere you'll never see lol.

.........But I respect the sentiment. I know this will be genuine and it's very romantic Stagggers.......If you like

I know of a Bunny Rabbit that's endangered, if you send me lots of money for a name change you can adopt it for the short one

. If you don’t it's getting stuffed for the last time……..Please advance money in a large one off donation to my account within 24 hours.

Less · 23-11-2004, 13:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doug

If you like

I know of a Bunny Rabbit that's endangered, if you send me lots of money for a name change you can adopt it for the short one

. If you don’t it's getting stuffed for the last time……..Please advance money in a large one off donation to my account within 24 hours.

If you send me a Stamped addressed Envelope Doug I'll send you a first rate recipe for rabbit pie!

Doug · 23-11-2004, 14:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Less

If you send me a Stamped addressed Envelope Doug I'll send you a first rate recipe for rabbit pie!

You mean I'm not getting paid

..............? B****r, I was desperate for a name change

Ok anyone else want a Bunny Rabbit.....?

Cheers Less. Have you any Bunny Boiling recipes. lol.

janet · 23-11-2004, 15:06

Nice story Less.

lettie · 23-11-2004, 15:41

Another money making scam is the one where you can have a star named after you. Now I'm sorry, but nobody owns the stars they're everyones, but if some people feel like parting with £30-50 to have a 50p (including postage) certificate delivered to their house declaring that they have had some millions of lightyears away ball of gas named after them, then they must have more money than sense.

Sparkologist · 23-11-2004, 16:15

Well then, Lettie, that's your Chrismas prezzie gone for a burton.

JohnW · 23-11-2004, 16:19

Well someone owns the moon and is selling pieces off someone was telling me recently. From what I hear he's made a fortune already.

http://www.planetaryinvestments.com/

If you fancy buying an acre or so, there you go!

lettie · 23-11-2004, 16:34

Hehehehe, another one that made me laugh was the one mentioned on a tv programme about a year ago. Some enterprising man had put an advert in a national newspaper which said something along the lines of "Send £15 cheques payable to John Smith (not the actual name used) send to PO Box --- Kent. Hundreds of people sent cheques although the advert made no specification about what the money was going to buy. All these disgruntled people then tried to invoke legal action regarding their money and found that they had no claim as they willingly sent cheques and weren't pressurised, the advert never claimed that they would get anything in return for their money. How gullible are some people????

WillowTheWhisp · 23-11-2004, 17:01

How about buying yourself a small piece of Scottish land accompanied by the title of "Laird" ? They used to be all over ebay. Haven't noticed any for a while but maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

I think the piece of land was about 2ft square.

Tealeaf · 23-11-2004, 17:05

Being a good old catholic boy, I'll light a candle for anyone on here for a quid. Don't bother sticking the dosh in the post, just pop in and leave it with Staggeringman; I fully anticipate when I walk in there in a few weeks I'll be able to get legless for the entire weekend for nowt.

yerself · 23-11-2004, 17:28

How about disposable cigarette lighters. Advertise them in Exchange & Mart. "Disposable cigarette lighters - 20p each or 6 for £1." When the quids start flooding in you send your lucky punters half a dozen matches.

Less · 23-11-2004, 17:56

Hello (condescening smile into camera), are you between 50 & 172 years of age? Have you gone completly Ga-Ga? (Condescending smile & a wink to the camera), GOOD!

Now what my Friend John Windsor & I would like you to do is send us a large portion of your monthly income between now & the time you pop your clogs. (Sincere & butter wouldn't melt in your mouth look to camera), In return for this we will send you, this beuti.... (laughs to herself off camera), erm beutifu........(chokes on a cough), we will send you this carriage clock that you would turn your nose up to if you saw it in a pound shop down town! There are no guarantees with this after death policy except that no matter how long you live for if you were to try & cash it in before you died you would find that the policy is completely worthless.
If however you are one of the fortunate people that live right up until you die, then you can continue paying with the knowledge that it might not be of much use to you but it's getting my swimming pool in Spain re-tiled. When you do die however you can claim back all that you paid in except for a small amount that we will keep back because of the wear & tear you have caused to the carriage clock. (At a rough estimate this figure could be anywhere between 99 & 100% depending on your circumstances at time of demise).

So good-bye from me your rather superior friend June.

:emotion-3