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Jewish Wisdom ....


There was once a wise Jewish man . He said that the essence of all wisdom is what you have in your head !
His name was Solomon .

Then came another wise Jewish man . He said that the essence of all is what you have in your heart !!
His name was Jesus .

Then came a third wise Jewish man . He said that the essence of all is what you have in your stomach !!!
His name was Marx .

After him , came a fourth wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all is what you have between your legs !!!!
His name was Freud .

Then came another wise Jewish man - wiser than all before - called Einstein
He said everything is relative !!!!!

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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

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Did you hear about the constipated maths teacher, he worked it out with a pencil.

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ....
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

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Why seniors still need newspapers

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers.”
“Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this...
That fly never knew what hit him.

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A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs?


The father answers: Paradise, my son.


The kid asks again: What’s between your legs?


The father replies: The key to the paradise.


The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.

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I've been working on a Scandinavian joke, but it isn't quite finish...

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You know you're getting old when your bank sends you their free calendar one month at a time....

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Old is when you're napping but everyone's worried you're dead.....

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Age is important but only if you're a cheese.....

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I called the incontinence hotline - they asked 'Can you hold please'

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. 


The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks 'So,Murphy, how was your day?' 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol’.
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy. 

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man !"
'Tunderin' Lard, Murphy, my boy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
‘I put drops in her eyes!'

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A ROMANTIC STORY>

'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking towards me....

My heart was beating fast, and the ecitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

" Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".