Joke Of The Day
 

I have a little joke for you. I hope it will cheer you all up.

*********************************************

Little Billy is in school and the teacher says to him "Billy, if there are 5 birds on the fence and I shoot 1 of them, how many birds are left?"

Little Billy thinks about it and says "There will be no birds left,because the noise from the gun would scare them all off."

The teacher says "I'm sorry Billy, the correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking".

Billy then says to the teacher " I have a question for you Miss. There are 3 women eating icecream. The first one is licking at the edge, the second is eating the top and sucking the cone and the third is gobbling it all down. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes and says "Er, I suppose the second one, who is eating the top and sucking the cone"

"No" says Billy " The one with the wedding ring on,but I like your thinking". :-)
*********************************************

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

i've got one for you...

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. [glow=red,2,300]Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.[/glow]

Regards,
Project Leader

what about that one? :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Heres one for you.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "£500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for £500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only £500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

That i liked!!!

lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

And another...

A man was potholing down one of the deepest potholes in the world.

When he came to the surface after about three days, he found to his horror, that there had been a nuclear holocaust, and that everybody and everything had been destroyed, humans, animals, plants, fish, everything had been wiped out, except him. For the next few days, he wandered around the country, in whatever car took his fancy, ate whatever he wanted from the grandest of hotels, and drank only the finest brandy.

After a couple of weeks of this, he came to realise that being the only person left alive on the planet was not such a great thing, no one to talk with, or laugh with, no one to tell his troubles to, or even quarrel with. After hours of deep thought, he decided that this was too much for him to bear, and came to the conclusion that it would be best for him to end it all.

He made his way to the top of the highest skyscraper he could find, opened one of the large windows, peered out onto the streets miles below, and said quietley to himself " Yes, this is what I must do." and stepped out into thin air.

As he was hurtling towards his end, he passed the 30th floor of the building, and he heard the telephone ringing...... ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
>
> 8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
>8.30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
>8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open
>presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner .
>9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
>10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer.
>10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
>12.00 Lunch with best friend a fashionable outdoor cafe.
>12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she's gained 30lbs
>1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
>3.00 Nap.
>4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
>4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
>hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
>5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
>full-length mirror.
>7.30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received
>from other diners/dancers.
>10.00 Hot shower (alone).
>10.50 Carried to bed..........(freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
>11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
>11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
>
> THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
>
> 6.00 Alarm.
>6.15 Blow job.
>6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sport
>section.
>7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked
>buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
>7.30 Limo arrives.
>7.45 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
>9.15 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
>9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
>11.45 Lunch - pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
>12.15 Blow job.
>12.30 Play back nine (of golf course) - 4 under.
>12.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
>12.30 Fly to Cairns.
>3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
>also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
>4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
>5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending
>over......naturally).
>6.45 ****, Shower and Shave.
>7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and hard porn
>legalised.
>7.30 Dinner: lobster appetiser, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy fillet steak
>followed by ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
>9.00 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies.....some bending
>over).
>11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
>11.45 In bed alone.
>11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to
>leave the room.
>12.00 Spend 10mins laughing before falling asleep.

B.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

>  A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
> City to Chicago. The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have
> baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
> planes?"
>
> The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask
> the stewardess.
>
> So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
> dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
> planes?"
>
>  The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The
> boy admitted that this was the case.
>
>  "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes
> because Southwest always pulls out on time - now let your mother explain
> that to you."
>
>
>

Why did the Chicken cross the road?
 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

TRICIA
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its
dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

B.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Now that I like!! nice one Bluesmaster!!! 8)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A little girl walks into the pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp "excuthe me, mithter do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level and says "do you want a wittle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says to the man in a quiet voice " i dont fink my python weally givths a thit"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

HAHA.. emma1 You deserve an applause for making me laugh out loud :)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Thankyou very much Harryx :)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This Should make you laugh
http://crew.tweakers.net/JvS/zooi/realhussein.swf
;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
Saddam himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin
and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could
solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service. Eventually they asked MI6 for help. They cabled the White House:

"Tell the president he is looking at the message upside down..."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

i like it not a lot
:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An English ventriloquist is visiting Wales, he walks into a small  village
> > and
> > sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures  he'll
have
> > a
> > little fun.
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Alright mate? Good looking dog, mind if I  speak to
him?"
> >
> > Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk, you English fool."
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
> >
> > Dog: "Doin' all right."
> >
> > Welshman: (look of extreme shock)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at  the
Welshman)
> >
> > Dog: "Yep"
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> >
> > Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great  food and takes
> > me
> > to the lake once a week to play."
> >
> > Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
> >
> > Welshman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
> >
> > Horse: "Cool"
> >
> > Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the  Welshman)
> >
> > Horse: "Yep"
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> >
> > Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me  regularly, brushes
me
> > down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me  from the elements."
> >
> > Welshman: (total look of amazement)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
> >
> > Welshman: "The sheep's a liar!"

Re: Top Tip Of The Day
 

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

> Below are four (4) questions.
> You have to answer them instantly.
> You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
>
>
> OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
> Ready?
> GO!!!
>
>
> First Question:
> You are participating in a race.
> You overtake the second person.
> What position are you in?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Answer:
> If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!  If
>you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
>
>
>
>
> Try not to screw up in the next question.
>
>
>
>
> To answer the second question, don't
> take as much time as you took for
> the first question.
>
>
> Second Question:
> If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Answer:
> If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
> Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
>
>
>
>
> You're not very good at this are you?
>
>
>
>
> Third Question:
> Very tricky math!
> Note: This must be done in your head only.
> Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>
>
> Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
> Now add another 1000.
> Now add 30.
> Add another 1000.
> Now add 20.
> Now add another 1000.
> Now add 10.
> What is the total?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Did you get 5000?
> The correct answer is actually 4100.
> Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
>
>
>
>
> Today is definitely not your day.
> Maybe you will get the last question right?
>
>
> Mary's father has five daughters:
> 1. Nana,
> 2. Nene,
> 3. Nini,
> 4. Nono.
> What is the name of the fifth daughter?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Answe! r: Nunu? NO! Of course not.
> Her name is Mary.
> Read the question again.


B.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.  I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast.  You wont know the house when you get home-we have moved.
About you're father - he as a lovely new job.  He has 500 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.  There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working to good.  Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen the shirts since.
You're sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery.
Some of his work mates tried to save him bought he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.  The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days then for four days.  Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.  We had a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmothers plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

                        Your Loving Mother
                                                         XXX

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Another typical boy joke

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
>>him," My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
>>You don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a
>>diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample
>>and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
>>takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heck of a lot cheaper than a
>>doctor."
>>
>>So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
>>drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
>>for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten
>>seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
>>your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
>>weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
>>water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
>>daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
>>mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to
>>check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
>>awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water
>>is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
>>with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her
>>into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
>>a lawyer. 5. Your Volvo needs rings. 6. And if you don't stop playing with
>>yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This is just something that someone sent me ;)

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.  

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,  he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony,  he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,   seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great  final  effort,   he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled  posture.   His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......




"P**s off" she said, "they're for the funeral." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

nice one :D :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

HOPE U LIKE THIS ONE !!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns,
and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward
full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He
greets the first patient and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin
race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next
patient and greets him. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But
we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to
the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae
hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,

"What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammography and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."


The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Like it!!  Welcome to the forum Flashman! ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Thanks Cazzer,

Here's another,

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project. It's a drama about famous composers, starring top stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis.

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal.

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices.
"Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold said, "I'll be Bach."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me
stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy."You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bang!
A cumberland sausage factory exploded with such might that one of the sausages found it's way all the way to Heaven.
St. Peter at the heavenly gate gathered it up and asked himself "Wonder what this earthly artefact could be? I'll go and ask God."
So he took the Cumberland sausage to God. God examined it and said, "Sorry St. Peter, I've no idea what it is, try taking it to Jesus, he was on Earth, maybe he has more of an idea".
So St. Peter took the Cumberland sausage to Jesus.
"Sorry," said Jesus regretfully, after having carefully examined the Cumberland sausage, "I really don't have a clue, but you could try asking my mother Mary, she was on Earth longer than I was, maybe she knows".
So St. Peter went off to find Mary.
"Hello Mary," he said, " sorry to bother you, but this thing flew up from Earth and I'm trying to work out what it is".
Mary took the Cumberland sausage in her hands, rolled it round, felt it's texture, squeezed it firmly and pinched the tip and then declared,
"I can't be 100% sure, St. Peter, but it certainly does remind me in some way of the Holy Ghost!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Moral/ethical dilemma

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for
the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect partner again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to think outside of the
box.  

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop,

then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

???      ???

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is  the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered,"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said.  Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two  million
dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

;D     ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Try this its weird  !!
> >
> >
> >
> > Try this!  Seriously - it's freaky!
> >
> >
> >
> > While sitting  at your desk, make clockwise circles with your right
>foot.
> > Whilst doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
>hand.
> > What direction is your  foot going in now?
> > SPOOKY!!!!!
> >
> >

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just tried it! could do it once, but then it gets difficult!
Anyone pass your office whilst you were doing this little mo!! ;D ;D

Maybe we should start some synchronised Accrington Forum aerobics!! ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A teacher was arrested in London early this morning for affray.

When he was patted down at the scene of the incident the police found him to be in posession of a set square, protractor and compass.

He claimed to be a member of the Al-Gebra movement and was carrying weapons of maths instruction..

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Think the "frozen" peas might defeat the object  ??? ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[quote author=Ivor_Bigun link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=0#35 date=08/09/03 at 14:16:19]Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.[/quote]

I guess you have to be sure that it's going to be a "Quickie" before they melt and a "Handfull of Peas" may not make too much room for yourself.

I MUST SURVIVE
 

To get the full affect you need to sing it out loud.


I WILL SURVIVE - - (Un-edited versions)

MALE VERSION

First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace

I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave Only hope
that no one saw me walking home With such a sl*t. God the
things that you get up to when you're half cut.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Bre*sts from
being bared. I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water

It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.

I WILL SURVIVE !

I WILL SURVIVE    To which the girls rep
 

FEMALE VERSION

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wa*ker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen
on the floor. Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a
broken-out disgrace, But I'd
rather look at that, than at your F###ing ugly face...!

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly Google Page Ranking*ck
I should have sh**ged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you tw*t.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law. I'm
going to give up all the booze, I'm going To have no
stupid fun Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun !

I WILL SURVIVE!!
;D ;D ;D

only if u were clever as this
 

A English girl  and a American lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The girl, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the girl's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The girl doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the girl and hands her $500.

The girl says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the girl and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the girl reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"Doc, I can't stop singing "the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

brilliant jokes cazzer you ought to write a book with all those stories you have insde your head, where do you get them all from.

bit long but very good
 

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she
must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office (the customer
is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would
like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped
the cash out of her bag onto his desk.


The president was of course curious as to how she came
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm
surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my
balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night,
the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little>
old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's
office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old
lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see.. The president did. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
banging his head against the wall. The President asked
the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand."  

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Nice one Direct Dj   gud stuff.   u sud keep em cummin.....

Princess
 

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.  Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.    


The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought  diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question:

What was in the prince's pants?



 

 

 

M&M's of course.  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
   
What were you thinking ?    tut tut tut ...
;D ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[quote author=janet link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=40#42 date=08/24/03 at 09:43:15]brilliant jokes cazzer you ought to write a book with all those stories you have insde your head, where do you get them all from.[/quote]

I get most of the stuff on the net, Janet. Just put things in cos they tickle me! If I see something I think is funny, I save it.
Think the Euro Language ones brill - don't know who thinks these things up! ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

IMY.  just had to applaud you for those very funny. ;D ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can tell them they're wrong!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man is in a chinese restaurant when a duck comes upto him with a red rose and says " Your eyes sparkle like diamonds" the man replies " waiter i asked for a-romatic duck"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A German guy tells a call girl 'I vish to buy zex mit you'
'OK' she says 'Its £50 per hour'.
'Is goot, but I must varn you, im a little kinky!'
They go to the girls flat, where the German gets out four large bed springs and a duck caller. 'I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs', he tells her. The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. 'Now get on your hands und knees', he says. She does as he says balancing on the springs. 'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I **** you'. She finds this odd too, but figures its harmless and the guy is paying for it anyway, so she agrees. The sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the German, all the time blowing the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she's ever had and its several minutes before she gets her breath back enough to say 'That was great, what do you call it?'
The kinky German turns to her and says:
'Four-sprung duck technique'.    

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Whats the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?





The essex girl has a higher sperm count

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

;D ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Blonde Goes to the Library?  

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.
A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter,
"This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian,

"So here is the person who took our phone book!"

;D

Why did the 2 gay ghosts get arrested?

The kept putting the willies up each other!
;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The
doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father"


:D ;D  ;)


At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups
his huge ear: "Do you want a bl%w job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and
smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into
motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I doubt there are any wal-marts in this country but having heard of them before it didnt spoil an excellent joke which for once was originall.. certainly not heard it before

Nice one :)

Maybe change to the Arcade manager or something for UK audiences :)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

more like asda as i believe walmart bought them out a couple of years ago

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

NEWSFLASH:-
Police have just found 4 new terrorist groups from Al khaeda in Liverpool.However the 4th one is suspect:-
1. Bin Stealing
2. Bin mugging
3. Bin drinking
4. Bin Working

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bloke walks in to the sex shop in Accy and asks for a blow up doll.He is informed that the shop has just recieved a new cinsignment of State of the Art blow up dolls with hair in 7 places, but it cost 125 pounds.
The customer accepts.On getting home he fervently blows up the doll and starts.Pssst and the thing starts deflating.
Upset the customer fold up the doll, puts it over his arm and walks back to the shop.
He tells the shopkeeper on blowing up the doll and starting his fun the doll went down on him.
Bloody hell says the shopkeeper if i had known that i would have charged 250 quid

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bill and ben walk in to the pub.Bill walks up to the bar and say woo bloo arhgh and all that tallk they use.Ben walks up and says ignore him hes ****ed 2 pints of lager

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Beckham is playing his very first game for England.Erikson says ' David you are a very talented player and we do not want to wear you out so i am going to pull you off at half time'
Bloody hell says David.I only get an orange at Madrid

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A very attractive woman goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hand beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towel in the ladies room."

   

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

little mo good one.lol ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ok you lot.A question now.What is written at the bottom of a condom?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Never had it rolled down that far then eh?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ha funny HaHa............

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[quote author=Mik_Dickinson link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=50#66 date=09/14/03 at 20:58:35]Ok you lot.A question now.What is written at the bottom of a condom?[/quote]
the end ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Timmy is at school. His teacher asks the class

"OK, there are three birds sat on a fence and a famer comes and shoots the one in the middle. How many birds are left?
Timmy answers,
"None. If the farmer shoots the one in the middle, he would scare the others off".
"No, Timmy, I'm sorry, the answer is 2. 3 minus 1 is 2, but I really like you're way of reasoning."
Timmy replies
"Well Miss, if there are three women sitting on a fence eating an ice-cream and the one on the left is nibbling the cone, the one on the right licking the tentatively ice-cream while the one in the middle is sucking hard at the top of the icecream, which one would you say is married?"
The teacher blushes and stuttering, answers,
"Well, I suppose the one in the middle, Timmy".
"No", says Timmy, "the one that's wearing the wedding ring, but I really like your way of reasoning!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What did hitler say to his men before they got into their tanks?

Get into your tanks men.   ;D

Ill get me coat, I thought it was funny anyway

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

nice one jo. lol  ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

;D  What's the difference between Cosmopolitan, Vogue and Woman's Weekly?

Cosmopolitan will tell you how to have an orgasm,

Vogue will tell you how to look good while you're having one,

Woman's Weekly will tell you how to knit one!!   ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

And Best tells you when you are having one

Womans Realm tells you why you are having one

Take a break tells when you have finished having one

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[smiley=lol.gif] [smiley=lol.gif]

Nice one Mick.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[quote author=mick link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=50#69 date=09/14/03 at 22:00:38]
the end ;)[/quote]

Thanks Mick now i know as well  ???

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

::)    Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they died.

  1st woman - I froze to death

  2nd woman - How horrible!

  1st woman - It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 2nd woman - I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him in the living room watching TV.

  1st woman - So what happened?

  2nd woman - I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, then down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I'd looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman - Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted.

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds in it."

So I'm giving her a deck of cards!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa

;D ;D ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One Dyslexic says to the other "can you smell gas?" other replies "smell gas i cant even smell my own name"

AMAZING !!!!
 

 
This is quite amazing!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

;D ;D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important  their children are.

 The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a  room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he  walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

 The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son  is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well hung, male  stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh My God...."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

good one [smiley=lol.gif]

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

whats green and smells of pork??

kermits finger

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
> > > Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part of the story where
> > > Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
> > > She read, "....  and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
> > "The
> > > sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
> > > The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
> > > think that farmer said?"
> > > One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
> > > 'Holy ****!  A talking chicken!'"
> > > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into
the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped
in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he
immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you
were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you
saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A little boy was doing his math homework.  He said to
> > himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six,
> that
> > son of a bitch is nine...."
> > His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
> > are you doing?"
> > The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is
> how
> > your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
> > "Yes," he answered.  Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher
> > the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The
> > teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> > The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
> > plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
> > After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
> > taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his
bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".  
But after a lot of nagging, Dad agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks,
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son a full explanation of the 'facts of life'.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks "So  what is it you've been watching then Son?"

And Johnny replies,
"Wimbledon."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bloke is going through the ads because he wants his porch painted.He finds a company that is willing to do the job for 50 quid.Provided he buys the paint for the job.On the day a young buxom blonde woman turns up wi all the gear to paint.
The bloke asks how long it will take to which he gets the reply about 4 hours.
He cannot believe it and stipulates  that the dael is only for 50 quid.She verifies that fact.This is when the bloke notes taht the blonde bombshell speaks with a foreign accent.Never mind he thinks to himself cheap at half the price! So he tells her he will be back in 4 hrs time.
4 hrs later he walks in to the living room as the woman is just walking in.
She says there was 2 much paint so she gave it all a 2nd coat.Graet he says.
By the way it is not a Porsch, it is a Lexus she says

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Canadian walks in to the garage and says to the mechanic his snow bike is not working properly.The mechanic takes a look and says it looks like you have blown a seal.
The Canadian rubs his moustache and says no thats just frost

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Don't get it...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Were do baby cows go to eat lunch?
At the calf-eteria

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

These made me laugh....

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The  father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts...

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a  bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."  
"Onions?"  "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well daughter, a man goes through three  phases...

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

;D :D ;D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

;Dlol.....i like that