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Sparkologist 25-06-2004 21:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Queen has been busy on Accyweb tonight :p


The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier, "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Venereal disease."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic," he replied.

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get out of here and serve my country."

"Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Hemorrhoids."

Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic." "To get out of here and serve my country"

"Well done, soldier" says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies "Strep throat."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get to the wire brush before those other two b@$t@rd$!" :D

lettie 26-06-2004 21:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Everybody does it and once in a while you hear a joke about it but.... Has anybody ever analysed it to this extent.

The jokes section is proud to present.

THE DUMP LIST :D
The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump -

Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump-

Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your bum feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump -

Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump -

In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump -

This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump -

You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up
your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump -

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump -

You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.


The Alfresco Dump -

Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump -

This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
Scream
Call an Obstetrician
Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump -

The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump -

You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump -

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
Flush the toilet
Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump -

You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump -

For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe
the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump -

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because
if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump -

You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down.
Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump -

Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a sh*t in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump -

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back
up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump -

No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump -

You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.

The Encore Dump -

Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump -

This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion"you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

:s_sick:

janet 27-06-2004 17:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when one of them told the other one he had to take a dump. Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles, he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper, but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar. The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business. He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"

lettie 27-06-2004 17:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

:D

janet 27-06-2004 17:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man decides to visit a whorehouse. He is sitting in the waiting room when he notices jars of tomatoes on the shelves. Suddenly noticing that he is hungry, he opens a jar and precedes to devour an entire jar. The next day he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his prostitute. On the third day he asks a hooker where they got those juicy tomatoes. The whore replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last weeks abortions

Shane. 27-06-2004 19:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Howdy.

How do you make a Lasso with one finger?
.
.
The answer = :thumbsup:.. with one finger.

lettie 27-06-2004 21:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back

and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where
was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key"
the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that
you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's
gone, too!!!!!"

:D



A little something I've been wondering about....

Now that there's a gay bishop in the States, does that make it ok to covet your neighbours ass??? :D

Sparkologist 27-06-2004 21:27

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
While we are on the subject of all things ablutionary... :rolleyes:


15 Easy Steps to Poo Like a Man.

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

lettie 27-06-2004 21:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Hehehehehe...

15 easy ways to poo like a woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any
stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your husband. Also
wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet
since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as
opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee
that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your
husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to
open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to
watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and lower the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your husband and leave bathroom,
closing the door firmly behind you.

:pain30:

Sparkologist 27-06-2004 22:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
When you've gotta go, you've gotta go... but don't do this :p


A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.

He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a cr@p, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.'

So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.

The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger. :eek: :D

lettie 28-06-2004 07:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Just a quick question... :confused:


Why call something an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, when we call something inside your ass a heamorrhoid???? :confused:

janet 28-06-2004 10:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Sixty Minutes
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

Sparkologist 28-06-2004 11:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Toilet humour seems to be all the rage at the moment... :p


Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

"You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.

"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?" :D

Sparkologist 28-06-2004 20:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Anyone here any good at darts?


Phil Taylor the multiple World Darts Champion was making a come back.
As we are all aware, he'd had his problems and name dragged through the press for sexual harrassment of women. Ha thought he would never play darts again, until one day, he found God. The Church became the emotional crutch that he could lean on in times of dispair. As a result of this, he promised all his winnings from darts competitions would go to the Church, which would in turn help the needy.

The first round of the World Darts Championship was being played, and Phil Taylor had brought his eclesiastical entourage to cheer him on, and act as moral support. The best seats in the house, right behind the oche, were taken by the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Vicar from Phil's parish church and three nuns from the convent in the town where Phil Taylor lived.

Phil Taylor was first to throw:
First arrow. Thud, into the board. Twenty...
Second dart. Thud. Treble Twenty, and the crowd cheer.
Third dart. Dink. It rebounds off the wire, sails back over Taylor's shoulder and catches one of the nuns clean between the eyes, and she falls to the floor, out cold.

Sid Wardell, the MC, jumps down off the stage, runs to the stricken nun and pulls the dart out. The paramedics were called, and say that unfortunately there is nothing they can do. By this time, Phil Taylor is beside himself with grief, but realises that the game must be finished.

Sid Wardell clambers back onto the stage to announce the score. He picks up his microphone, turns to the crowd and says, "One dead nun and eighty!" :o

janet 29-06-2004 14:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
As the door is opened, the travelling salesmans shocked to see a little lad, stood in a silk dressing gown, cigar in one hand, glass of whiskey in the other! Looking further into the house, a prostitute is laying spent across the couch!

"Er, hello young man" he manages to stammer, "Is your mommy or daddy home?"

Little Johnny looks at him increduously, "Does it f***ing look like it?"

Sparkologist 29-06-2004 17:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lettie
A little something I've been wondering about....

Now that there's a gay bishop in the States, does that make it ok to covet your neighbours ass??? :D

I cannot speak for the Bishop's Ass, but this is how a Priest's Ass got the Bishop in trouble :p


A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.


The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day! :eek: :D

lettie 29-06-2004 20:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Back to basics... :)

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

;) :)

Sparkologist 29-06-2004 21:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A few years down the line, Jack and Bill are at it again.. :p


Jack and Bill are having a quiet beer one night when Bill announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief," says Jack, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Bill, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jack says "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Bill replies, "What - and have a house full of kids???" :rolleyes: :D

janet 30-06-2004 10:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Crowded Subway
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Sparkologist 30-06-2004 17:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This one is a real barrel of laughs... :p


There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the rest rooms, when you feel the need, stick your dick in the hole for a blowjob."

So the next day, the guy sees the owner, and says, "This place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday."

The owner says, "Everyday except Mondays."

"Why not on Mondays?"

The owner says, "That's your day in the barrel." :eek: :D

lettie 01-07-2004 07:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
And God created the North... :)



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God,

"Where have you been?" God pointed downnwards through the clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked,

"What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the north of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire alone, and many impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from North England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

"What about balance God, you said there will be balance?"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the set of w**kers I'm putting down South!!"

:D

Sparkologist 01-07-2004 21:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Sticking loosely to the religious theme... :p


A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he said.

So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!"

"What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" cried the priest.

"I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. So he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." :eek: :D

janet 02-07-2004 10:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

lettie 03-07-2004 13:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This guy was invited to a stag night but his wife didn't want him to go.

"Last time you went to a stag night you got totally blind drunk and spewed all over yourself ruining a new suit", she said.

"I promise that I'll behave myself", he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.

So he goes along to the party and orders a lemon squash to do the right thing. Next he has a couple of light beers still trying to make sure that he doesn't overdo it. After that he started drinking heavies and by 10.30pm he's starting to get p***ed.

"Sh*t my wife will kill me if I end up blind drunk. Last time I ruined a new suit by vomiting all over myself" he tells a friend.

"No worries", says his mate. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet and, if you end up throwing up on your suit you give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".

So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really getting into the booze.

By 2:00 AM he is sh*tfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door.

"Right, that's it! I've had enough of you, I'm leaving" his wife says.

"No, no you've got it all wrong!", says the drunk guy, "I didn't do this, someone else was so drunk they threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.

"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?", asked the wife.

He replied, "Oh, the other $20 is from the guy who sh*t in my pants!"

:D

sarnie boy 03-07-2004 16:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Heres one 4 u

A loud pounding on the door at 3 in the morning wakens a man and his wife.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring
rain asking for a push.

'Not a chance', says the man , 'its 3 in the morning' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' , asked his wife.

'Just some drunk asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks

'No, I did not', he replies, 'its 3 in the morning'.

She remonstrates with him reminding him when two men helped them push their car.

'Go and help him', she orders.

The man gets dressed , goes downstairs into the pouring of rain.

'Are you there ?' he shouts out into the darkness and rain.

'Yes' comes back the answer

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband

'Yes please' comes the reply.

'Where are you? shouts the husband

'Im on the swing' replies the drunk

God Bless the Drunk :D

sarnie boy 03-07-2004 16:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
o man i got loads cum on ppl mek mi laff


This is soooo stupid but true . . .
and it's going to drive you crazy!

While sitting at your desk,
lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this,
draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction
and there's nothing you can do about it :)

sarnie boy 03-07-2004 16:25

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
gud things to do at the cinema tried and tested by me and Charli

sarnie boy 03-07-2004 16:26

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Wear a top hat.

Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

Clap when the good guy gets killed.

Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."

During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.

Yell out what is going to happen.

Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"

sarnie boy 03-07-2004 16:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
25 signs that u r old

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2.Your back goes out more than you do.

3.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4.You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5.You are proud of your lawn mower

6.Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8.You sing along with the elevator music.

9.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?".

13.You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14.You send money to PBS.

15.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16.You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20.You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22.You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23.You can go bowling without drinking.

24.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it

25.You read this looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

Mick 03-07-2004 19:25

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Sparkologist 03-07-2004 20:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
When I last rang my shrink, I got his answerphone message... :p


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'

Bazf 04-07-2004 03:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rose8: A graduate stright out of oxford goes to his first interview.....
What salary were you looking for?
Oh, about 75,000 a year..
Well how about a company expense account and a company car, also lets pay for your petrol.......
Wow your joking said the grad
Well you started it said the interviewer.
:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38:

AnotherJFK 04-07-2004 05:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women

#10: You can trade an old .44 for a new 22.

#9: You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.

#8: If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, He'll probably let you try it out a few times.

#7: Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.

#6: Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5: A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4: Handguns function normally everyday of the month.

#3: A handgun doesn't ask, do these new grips make me look fat?

#2: A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1: You can buy a silencer for a handgun

Sparkologist 04-07-2004 17:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
We never got exam questions this easy in the days of O-levels...


GCSE Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES


Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question, attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted. You are going to fail.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates.

Include in your answer:
a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.
a) Sex Boat
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

5. Women drivers eh? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart.
- What apparatus would you require?
- What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits?
- Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lambourghinni Diablo and
the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.

Wasn't that easy ;) GCSE = General Certificate Sent to Everyone :D

lettie 04-07-2004 22:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A short one.. ;)

A man and a woman are riding in an elevator together. The man turns to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman replies, "YOU CAN NOT!"
The man says, "Oh, then it must be your feet." :D

Doug 04-07-2004 23:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Short but good lettie......more please.

lettie 04-07-2004 23:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Short 'n' sick..... ;)

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk.

The drunk rolls around, leans over, and "Splat! " He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

:D

janet 05-07-2004 10:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there

Sparkologist 05-07-2004 18:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Well, the Spice Girls have split, Girls Aloud are heading the same way. It looks like there is a vacancy in the market... :p


Spice Girls II Application Form



Name: _____________________


Age: ______________________

Real Age: __________________

How would you best describe yourself?
( ) An energetic self-starter
( ) A team player
( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits? _______

Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred? ___________

'I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry.'
( )Yes ( )No

How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar? ___________

Does nudity bother you? ______________
If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.

Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
( )Yes ( )No

Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy, Sickly, Slappy.

Choose an appropriate image:
( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
( ) Tub of lard
( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit.
( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
( ) Terrifying to small children and old men
( ) All of the above

Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
( )Yes ( )No

If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres, and 75 kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?

In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really want, this job.

AnotherJFK 05-07-2004 20:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

lettie 06-07-2004 17:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

-----------------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
-----------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

:D

Sparkologist 06-07-2004 18:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I suppose this is called getting the Bum's Rush... :rolleyes:


This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says, "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
To which the little boy responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
Again the little boy responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," says Grandpa.

"Then go f*ck yourself!" :eek: :D

JohnW 07-07-2004 12:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
So the new super duper multiple choice brothel opens in town and the guy goes along to sample the delights. He pays his fee at the door and goes to the first room. There are three doors Brunette, Blonde, Redhead. He goes through the one marked Blonde. There are a further three doors Small, Tall, Medium. He goes through the one marked medium. Next there are two doors slim, not so slim. He goes through the one marked slim. The next room has two doors small boobs, big boobs. He goes for the big boobs (well, there's a surprise.) The final room has two doors marked hard c**t and soft c**t. He walks through the one marked soft c**t and falls down the lift shaft.

lettie 07-07-2004 15:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to

people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an

observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to

Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The

following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was

posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.



Dear Dr. Laura

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have

learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as

many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,

for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to

be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other

specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a

pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They

claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus

21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her

period of menstrual cleanliness

- Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but

most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,

provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine

claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2

clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him

myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I

don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a

defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my

vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around

their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How

should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me

unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different

crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two

different kinds of thread (cotton/ polyester blend). He also tends to curse

and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of

getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24: 10-16. Couldn't we

just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people

who sleep with their in-laws?

(Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can

help. Thank you again for reminding us that Gods word is eternal and

unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Jack

:D

Sparkologist 07-07-2004 16:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If we are on a religious theme, Here's one...


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."


Think about it :D

Sparkologist 07-07-2004 16:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
...and another.


Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary Elizabeth turns with a big smile on her face and says, "Mine does..." :rolleyes:

AnotherJFK 07-07-2004 16:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned
the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer
asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. The officer replied that
all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an
officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now ‘cause I just shot them
all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of
course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

lettie 07-07-2004 17:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f**king morning!" :D

Sparkologist 07-07-2004 17:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: LOL... I can well imagine it :p

janet 08-07-2004 10:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and f**k the cat."

lettie 09-07-2004 15:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Johnny was working at the fishplant when he accidentally cut off all
ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room.

The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have the fingers,and I'll
see what I can do."

Johnny said ,"I haven't got the fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2004. We've got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques, I could have
put them back on and made you like new.
Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Furious Johnny says, "How the f**k was I supposed to pick them up?!!!"
:D

janet 09-07-2004 20:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

lettie 10-07-2004 15:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old."

The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.

"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"

"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.

The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.

"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! "

"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."

Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?"

"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".

:D

Sparkologist 10-07-2004 15:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: And what were his ears like? Jodrell Bank?


Quote:

Originally Posted by janet
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

They also give him half a Viagra tablet first thing in the morning; so he doesn't p*ss on his slippers :D

Sparkologist 10-07-2004 18:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.

"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?" :eek:


Sorry Mr Plod, Sir. It was too tempting to not post :D

sarnie boy 10-07-2004 19:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
2 flys are sittin on a piece of cr*p one farts the other says do you mind im eating my dinner :D

lettie 10-07-2004 20:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two flies on a piece of sh*t, one says to the other..
"I haven't seen you in a while."
The other says......
"Nah, I've been on't sick."...... :s_sick:

Sparkologist 10-07-2004 20:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Well, this thread is buzzin' tonight. here's another flies joke... :p


These two male flies were flying around the yard and noticed a beautiful female on the ground, sitting on some dog stuff. One of the male flies flew down and landed on one of the turd's next to the female fly and said, 'Is this stool taken?' :D

WINGY 10-07-2004 20:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other "can you smell carrots"

lettie 10-07-2004 20:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

:D

Sparkologist 10-07-2004 20:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Hughie, Louie & Dewey


This guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks. The guy has a few drinks then goes to the toilet.

The bartender says to the first duck, "What's your name and what did you do today?"
"My names Hughie. I went in and out of puddles all day long."

The barman then goes to the seconded duck."What's your name and what you do today?"
"My name is Louie and I went in and out of puddles all day long, and I want to tomorrow."

Then the barman goes to the last duck, "Your name must be Dewey, right?"
"My name's Puddles. And don't ask me how my f*ckin' day went." :mad: :D

sarnie boy 11-07-2004 06:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
heh nice!
random but true

lettie 11-07-2004 07:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean):


10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in 'Deliverance.')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my DAD.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You ugly dork.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you're in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off the likes of you or I'd rather be gang raped by midgets or I'd rather drink turpentine and p*ss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)


TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN (and what they actually mean):


10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

:D

Sparkologist 11-07-2004 08:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Amazing Anagrams.


David Ginola
Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham
Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles
Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona
O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM
I'm Tory plan B

Virginia Bottomley
I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine
Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor
Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie
I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force
I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges
NHS been a godsend

Selina Scott
Elastic snot

Mel Gibson
Big melons

Gloria Estefan
Large fat noise

Chris Rea
Rich arse

Martina Navratilova
Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini
Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome
O my terrible drains below

Evangelist
Evil's Agent

Desperation
A Rope Ends It

Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler

Semolina
Is No Meal

A Decimal Point
I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one

President Clinton, of the USA
To copulate, he finds interns

And a final one ....

Motorway Service Station
I eat coronary vomit stews.

Sparkologist 11-07-2004 08:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Johnny Saunders and his Double Entendres would be proud of these... Fnarr, fnarr. :p


Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio


Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

lettie 11-07-2004 09:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Some of my most frequently asked questions re. pregnancy.... ;)

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

:D

AnotherJFK 11-07-2004 11:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down.

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her
for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get
her.

My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks. And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the
dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband
El-Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take 0. They love to hate each
other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was
located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people
waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my
husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice
said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells
like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who
the father is!"

And he closed the door.

janet 11-07-2004 14:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

Sparkologist 11-07-2004 18:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Judging by the standard of the excuses, it's not the kids who should be in school...


The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*) the sh*ts.

:D

lettie 11-07-2004 21:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Ahhh science!!! I miss it not.... :cool:

Kids on Science

True quotes about science from kids:

- One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,and that is the important thing.

- In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Sparkologist 11-07-2004 21:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Night out with the guys



A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"


:eek: Ooo Lordy! Surely not!!! :D

janet 12-07-2004 16:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

lettie 12-07-2004 19:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A short pathetic one!!! :D

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other;

'You drive and I'll man the guns'

:o

Sparkologist 12-07-2004 20:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A corny old goldfish joke... :o


Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f**kin' cat!" :eek: :D

janet 13-07-2004 13:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Looking For A Man
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP

2. WON'T RUN AWAY

3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

AnotherJFK 13-07-2004 15:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Sparkologist 13-07-2004 19:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Remember chaps, if you're being henpecked, it's your dominatrix's way of saying she loves you. :rolleyes:


31 questions to Men

1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life-span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.

Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our @rses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their @ses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
1. Please sleep with me.
2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6. Stop nagging me.
7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

15. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

16. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at
things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

19. Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

21. Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

24. Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behaviour. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial co-ordinate motor co-ordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

28. Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage.

And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

31. Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

:D

lettie 13-07-2004 19:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
We've all had this little chat!! ;)

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

:D

Sparkologist 13-07-2004 22:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Santa does exist, and this proves it... :p


Johnny and Santa

The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny. You want some t-o-y-s," he says, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word toys.

"No, I've got plenty of toys," replies Johnny.

"Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa.

"No, I've got all the games I want," came Johnny's reply.

"Well Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you want?" asked Santa.

"I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter. "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!" :p :D

janet 14-07-2004 09:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes
later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to
him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that
window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to
him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

lettie 15-07-2004 16:25

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A short rude one which was gifted to me by ************........ :D

Two pensioners are having oral sex, the man says

"I can't stay down there it stinks!"

"Sorry, it's my arthritis," says the woman.

"What, in your fanny?"

"No, in my arms, I can't reach my @rse to wipe it."


:o

AnotherJFK 16-07-2004 01:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

Sparkologist 16-07-2004 21:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
When I was walking round the Asda today, I bought a loaf of bread, and I thought it had your name one the bag; but when I looked a little closer, it said, "Thick Cut." :D

lettie 17-07-2004 09:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I guess we all have communication difficulties from time to time.... :rolleyes:

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Listen carefully, for the last time, I said ........BRING POSSE!'

:D

Sparkologist 17-07-2004 17:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Electricians, we're all the same... :rolleyes:


The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable.

Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'f*cking shovel.'" :D

Sparkologist 17-07-2004 19:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
We ain't had a red-neck joke in ages. So without further ado, let me introduce you to those good ol' boys, Jake and Bubba... :p


Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud,
obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money
for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and
got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look
so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and
agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the
tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and
started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing
Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked
up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't
nobody ever gotten out that thing."

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up
and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In
the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,
"Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds
after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the
contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to
ten.

Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was Pi$$ed off.
He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20
seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran
back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious
Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee. Jake ran into the
ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba
were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what
happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I
thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could
hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and
in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit
down as hard as I could on those things."

"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he
bites his own balls." :eek: :D

janet 18-07-2004 10:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An alien came to earth, step down from his space ship and said: "I come in peace". Then he gets out his gun and start shooting at everyone. One of the guys who is running away shouts to his friend: " I thought he said he comes in peace!". The alien says: "You miss-understood me, peace is the name of my space ship"

Sparkologist 18-07-2004 11:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This goes to show that not all blood suckers work for the Inland Revenue; there's Dracula, and there's.... :p


Dracula was killed one day, so up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had commited, going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins," said God. "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a Living thing with wings & sucks blood, heh... heh.. heh."
"So be it," said God and He turned Dracula into a Vampire Bat.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil' bit sheepish. "I'll give you another chance," said God. "I'll send you back again but not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a Living thing with wings & sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want," and turned Dracula into a Mosquito.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, Splat! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. But, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a 'Non-Living Thing' of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a Non-Living thing with Wings & Sucks Blood!!! heh...heh...heh."
"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a Non-Living thing with wings & sucks blood.

Dracula became an Always Ultra Sanitary Pad. :D

AnotherJFK 19-07-2004 08:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Never trust doctors!!

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door .She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there... and it *hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream. "My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!"cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

janet 19-07-2004 11:51

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'f**k him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

lettie 19-07-2004 21:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Don't you just hate the rain??? ;)



A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

:D

AnotherJFK 21-07-2004 00:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come back to ya'!!!

Sparkologist 21-07-2004 05:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
On a slightly religious theme... :rolleyes:


Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up.

"With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea.

Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!" :confused: :D

janet 21-07-2004 10:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted.

Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, fat, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the £500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

Sparkologist 22-07-2004 05:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said

"Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." :eek: :D

Sparkologist 22-07-2004 18:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If you're looking to remedy chronic hair loss, stay well clear of this doctor... :p


Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss.
A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise. Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body.
After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded.
"It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth."
"Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!" :D

lettie 22-07-2004 20:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:
-One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin)
-Varying from pink to black.
-Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
-Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE:
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
:D

lettie 22-07-2004 21:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
125 things never to say during sex

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, b1tch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a sh1t.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... sh1t.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) s**k my d**k, b1tch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just sh1t on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.

lettie 22-07-2004 21:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A short one... Think about it!!!! :)

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

:D

AnotherJFK 23-07-2004 00:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."


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