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Len 05-05-2004 15:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I'm a perve.

You got me all hot and bothered reading that.

http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tachmentid=759

Sparkologist 05-05-2004 17:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
It's long and thin,
And covered in skin.
It's red in parts,
And goes in tarts.

What is it?

Rhubarb!

lettie 06-05-2004 05:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a
smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and
arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are
able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a
stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today,
and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted
10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had
to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the
Dutchman in horror he
Said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows Could
only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was
soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the
world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may
have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me, not 20,
but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man,
you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what
is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back." :D

Sparkologist 06-05-2004 18:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nice one, Lettie. :D I'll try that one out on Monsieur Boulanger, Le Frenchy, Le directeur, at E&R. No more bottles of Claret or Kronik 1664 if i do though.

Sparkologist 06-05-2004 18:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated, but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend what she should do...'It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always down the pub with the lads. What can I do?'
He friend suggested, 'Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and he'll thanks you appropriately.'
So the woman tried it, and this his what happened on his return.
Man: 'Take your clothes off.'
Woman thinks: 'Whooaa, this is working!'
Man: 'Stand on your head.'
Woman: 'Ooohh. Kinky!'
Man: 'Spread your legs apart.'
Woman thinks: 'This has really worked. Give it to me!
The man then gets a shaving mirror and places it between her legs. The woman thinks, 'Wow, this is different.'
The man says, 'You know... the lads are right, I would look good with a beard!'

WINGY 06-05-2004 20:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Paddy and his wife lorna where happily married for 20 years, but as tiime went on there sex life became less and less.
Lorna consulted her friends about this problem and came to the conclusion that the only way to return thiings to how they were was to try to seduce Paddy with some sexy lingerie.
So on friday night paddy went to the pub as he did every week with his mates, and hiis lovely wife began to turn their bedroom into a sexy love nest. she lay on the bed waiting for paddy to come home dressed in a lovely red basque stockings and matching crotchless knickers!!!
Very soon paddy came home rather drunk and proceeded to the bedroom,and found his wife waiting for him. As he walked into the room lorna didn't want to waste any time and said to paddy
"come over here here and giive me oral sex"
Paddy replied
"i think you better wash it first have you seen what its done to your knickers!!!!"

Len 06-05-2004 21:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I must try this one out!


lettie 07-05-2004 09:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a
bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would
be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like
to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him,
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em", which
he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."

janet 07-05-2004 10:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple
Two calves that will never become cows
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything
Twenty nails that won't hold a board
A chest that won't hold linen
Two boobs that won't give milk
Two buns that won't feed anyone
A belly button that won't button
Two balls that won't roll
An ass that won't pull a plow
An organ that won't play music
A cock that won't crow

lettie 08-05-2004 15:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A couple from London decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left London and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and as there was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....somewhere in Manchester, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was
called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided
to check her e-mail, expecting messages of condolence from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen and the open email which read:

> -----------------
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 27 Feb 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here
now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is hot down here!! :)

Sparkologist 08-05-2004 15:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One day, Superman was flying along feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but needed to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over Wonder Woman's house, and see what she was doing. As he got closer, he used his X-ray vision, and to his surprise, Wonder Woman was lying on her bed totally nude.

Superman thought, 'This is great! I'll zip in there, do my business, and before she notices, I'll be gone.' So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash.
'Whoaa!' cried Wonder woman, 'what the hell was that?'
And the Invisible Man replied, 'I don't know, but my @r$e sure is sore!'

lettie 08-05-2004 16:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was


only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other


man, for he seemed terribly familiar.


They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when


suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's


Jesus!"


The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting


alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge :


"Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small


smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.


Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you


to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."


The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass


in thanks and drinks.


Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or


what?"


Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".


The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot


of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.


The Scouser then calls out : "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles


and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".


The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of


bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts


the drink and smiles over at the table.


Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches


our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,


thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry


of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for


years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"


Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.


Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the


migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone - it's a


miracle!!!"


Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:









"Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!" :D

Sparkologist 08-05-2004 16:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
How true, Lettie. How true. :yelrotflm :yelrotflm

i'm currently working with a gang of mickey mousers, in Widnes, and there's more work in a sick note than half of 'em.

Sparkologist 08-05-2004 16:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Just a Quickie...

Three old ladies sat on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed at them.

Two of them had a stroke. The third couldn't reach.

lettie 09-05-2004 15:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque.She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the cashier, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well that's great... just great...

  • Some ar**hole's got my pen." :D

janet 09-05-2004 17:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nice one....

lettie 10-05-2004 12:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.


So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She
opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
India, etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at
the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR ***KING BEER IN
YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER***KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE
MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A***HOLE?"

and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story? :)

Tealeaf 10-05-2004 13:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I wonder if we could have that in English English, rather than American English.....

Bazf 10-05-2004 13:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
OK, how about, the English version.........

Im going to the pub
ok but dont hang about with that Tealeaf gezzer........:)

lettie 10-05-2004 19:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face
a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her
menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to
men with rugged
and masculine features. And if she is menstruating,
she is more prone to
be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his
temple and a bat jammed
up his a*se while he is on fire. Further studies are
expected. ;)

Tealeaf 11-05-2004 07:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I don't get that one.

Aussie Gobbiner 11-05-2004 10:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
It's a male thing.... I get it! :hitting8:

lettie 11-05-2004 12:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said: "I'm lookin' for a job!"

The man behind the counter replied: "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur /bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said: "You're bullshi**ing me!"

The man behind the counter said: "Well you bloody started it!" :)

lettie 12-05-2004 18:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. James the
class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
Mum
said it was contagious."

"Well done, James" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a
sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a
bug
going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad irish voice, "Our
next
door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my
Dad
says it will take the contagious" ;)

Sparkologist 12-05-2004 19:57

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why did the Blond have a long string on her tampon?

So that her crabs could go bungee jumping.

Sparkologist 12-05-2004 20:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
When did Pinocchio realise that he wasn't a real boy, and that he was made out of wood?

When his hand caught fire!

Sara 13-05-2004 18:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Subject: Daughters letter


A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the

bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling

hands:


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I

eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so

nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But its not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will

be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many

more children with me and that's one of my dreams too. I've

learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it

for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the

cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the

science to find the cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better. He

deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how

to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know

your grandchildren.


Your daughter, Judith


p.s. Mum, it's not true. I'm at neighbour's house. I just

wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the

school's report card, that's in my desk's drawer. I love you!

lettie 13-05-2004 19:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I have a joke, it's really disgusting (but funny) but I will probably be banned for posting it. So here's another one instead.

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of 12-year-old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However,Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem.

My penis is the same size as an infant and hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.

Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"



;)

__________________________________________________ __

janet 13-05-2004 19:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Must Be Herbal Essences

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth floor which had a woman already in it. The man looks at the woman and says, "You have the most beautiful hair!" The woman, angrily gets out on the next floor and takes the stairs.
The next day the same man comes on the elevator on the fourth floor and sees the woman again. "Your hair! It looks so smooth and silky!" Furious, the woman gets off the next floor and decides again to take the stairs.

The day after that, the same man and woman end up on the elevator again. "I just really have to say that your hair smells amazing!" The woman looks at the man and at a lost for words, storms out of the elevator.

That day at the office she is appraoched by her boss who sees that she is distressed. "What's the matter?" he asks. "This whole week, you have come to work late and very upset." "Well every day a man, the same man, tells me on the elevator that my hair smells really good," the woman replies. "What's wrong with that?" her boss inquires. Which she yells, "He is a midget!"

Sparkologist 13-05-2004 19:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Whats got ninety balls, and makes women tremble?

A bingo machine!

Sparkologist 13-05-2004 20:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If you have been reading the jokes posted tonight, you will no doubt be aware that there is in existence a filthy rude, crude and downright dirty joke. I'm not a card carrying member of the Campaign for the Moral Minority, and i have been dared to post it. So in all it's glory, Ladeez & Gentlemen, please put your hands together for The Joke.

Ps... Don't shoot the messenger!

Sheila, the Aussie housewife stepped out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. She didn't fall over forwards or backwards, but instead did the splits, and suctioned herself to the floor. She shouted out for her husband. 'Bruce, Bruce!' she yelled. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor!'
'Strewth!' cried Bruce as he attempted to heave her up. 'You're stuck fast, girl. I'll go across the road and fetch Cobba.' (his mate)

They came back and both tried to pull Sheila upright. 'No way. We cant do it,' said Cobba. 'Let's go for Plan B!'
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce, 'What's that?'
'I'll go back across the road, get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum,' replied Cobba.
'Spot on,' said Bruce. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' cried Cobba, 'Not exactly agood time for doing that mate!'
'No,' Bruce replied, ' But I figure that if I get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen, where the tiles aren't so expensive!'


Like i said, Don't shoot the messenger. Maybe it's just my sick sense of humour, coz that is the funniest joke i've ever heard. Tears of laughter? I cried me a river!

janet 14-05-2004 11:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
That's what i call a good one.:wave8:

lettie 14-05-2004 15:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I'm still laughing at the last one...... ;)



Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builder's start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit.
Chris:- I reckon he's an accountant.
James:- No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris:- He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris:- Excuse me ... no offence meant, but me and my mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit:- No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris:- Oh! What's that then?
Suit:- I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Chris:- Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit:- Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond.
Which is it?
Chris:- It's in a pond!
Suit:- Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?
Chris:- As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit:- Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Chris:- As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit:- Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Chris:- Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit:- Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit:- Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Chris:- Me? Never.
Suit:- Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris:- How's that then?
Suit:- Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Chris:- I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James:- I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris:- Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James:- What's that then?
Chris:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James:- Nope.
Chris:- Well then, you're a w*nker.

lettie 14-05-2004 17:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher
asked him about his father.


"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the
ar*e."


The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring
and took little Johnny aside to ask him,


"Is that really true about your father?"


"No," said Johnny, "he really plays for Leeds United, but I was too
embarrassed to say." :D

lettie 15-05-2004 10:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him," My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
You don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heck of a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
a lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs rings.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. :D

Bazf 16-05-2004 23:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
:wave8:

Q: What is two inches wide, six inches long and drives a women wild?








A: A bar of chocolate.:rofl38: :rofl38:

lettie 17-05-2004 18:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This is a real groaner.... but it's clean...


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday"

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright, pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral".

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world
is
this?!"

(You're gonna love this)









The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan -
his old man's a Rolling Stone." :D

Sparkologist 17-05-2004 19:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There are no swear words, nothing racist, nothing homophobic or no other politically incorrect taboos contained in this joke, so put your knives away! I already know that i have a terminally ill sense of humour. Maybe if you get this joke, your sense of homour is a little sick also.


Old Bert, thirty years at the coal face until a mine collapsed, causing him to lose both legs in the pit disaster.
For twenty years, he was tended lovingly by his wife Betty, until she unfortunately passed away. Bert knew the only thing for him was to move into a rest and retirement home. Sadly he missed Betty's companionship and loving touch, because even though he spent twenty years in a wheelchair, Bert still got sexual urges.
At first, Bert was lonely and used to sit alone in a corner of the rest home lounge every night, until one day an old lady named Daisy became a resident. daisy took a shine to Bert. They got talking, she told him of her previous life with her husband who was sadly deceased, and Bert told Daisy of his many happy years spent with Betty.
As the friendship grew, Bert felt that he could confide in Daisy and he told her about his urges. Daisy suggested she could help him. So every night, at 7pm after tea, Bert would wheel himself to Daisy's room, and they would chat and talk, and all the while, Daisy would hold Bert's tumescent erection in her hand; nothing more but Bert was happy and contented.
For many an evening, this arrangement kept both Bert and Daisy happy. Until one day, Ethel came to stay at the rest home. At first all was well, then one evening Daisy was sat in her room at 7pm as usual, waiting for Bert, but he didn't show. Daisy thought nothing of it except to consider that maybe Bert was more tired than normal. For a few nights longer Daisy waited in her room for Bert to appear, but he never did.
One morning, Daisy entered the dining room and saw Ethel and Bert laughing and joking whilst eating breakfast. Daisy was more than a little miffed at this sight and confronted the couple. " For over six months now I've kept you company Bert. I've shared secrets with you, laughed with you and helped you with your sexual urges," she cried. "What is it that Ethel has that I don't?" Daisy said.
With a guilty tone in his voice, Bert replied, " Parkinson's Disease." :eek:


If you like it, tell me. Equally, if you don't, let me know :)

lettie 17-05-2004 19:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: :rofl38: Nice one....... :)

Bazf 17-05-2004 19:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

Sparkologist 17-05-2004 19:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Whats blue and f.......

Nah, sorry can't tell you that one. Plod would give me a season ticket to detention and 100 lines, 'I must not post perceived uncouth jokes on Accyweb again!' :D

Bazf 17-05-2004 19:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:mosher: Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What's wrong?" His mother said. "Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny's mother started. "...Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."

"I did!" Johnny said. "I did!"


Sparkologist 17-05-2004 20:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I cannot claim the credit for this joke....


Why don't they do drivers education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?

Because they don't want to wear out the camel.


.... but i am prepared to take any flack :p

Bazf 17-05-2004 20:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rose8: Good one:) :)

How do you empty an Iraq bingo hall?
shout B52.

lettie 17-05-2004 21:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An old, clean, inoffensive one


An elderly couple walk hand in hand into a fast food restaurant one cold winter evening.

They look out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers look admiringly at them.

"There's a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" One of the on-lookers comments to his friends.

Meanwhile the little old man walks up to the cash register, places his order with no hesitation and pays for their meal.

The couple take a table near the back wall and start taking food off of the tray.

There is one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counts out the French fries, divides them in two piles and neatly places one pile in front of his wife.

He then takes a sip of the drink and his wife does likewise, setting the cup down between them.

As the man begins to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd of youngsters begin to feel sorry for the couple. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." one of them remarks.

Finally, as the man tucks into his pile fo French fries, one young man from the group approaches the old couples' table and politely offers to buy them another meal.

"We're just fine," replies the old man. "We're used to sharing everything."

Satisfied, the young man returns to his table but when one of his friends remarks "But look, the old lady hasn't even taken a bite. She's just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink."

So once more the young man goes over and this time he begs them to let him buy them something to eat.

"No, we're fine, honestly. We're used to sharing everything," says the old lady as the little old man finishes eating and she wipes his face neatly with a napkin.

The young man can stand it no longer and after being politely refused again he finally plucks up the courage to confront the old lady.

"Excuse me madam, but why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything, but you haven't touched any of your food? What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered...

"The teeth." :)

Sparkologist 17-05-2004 21:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: Oh dear. Gross out!

Bazf 17-05-2004 22:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rose8: 2 Nuns in a bath, one says to the other "where's the soap?"
the other one says "yes it does".
:rofl38: :rofl38:

Bazf 18-05-2004 13:26

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rose8: A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in
the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle
wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit
or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my
pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

lettie 18-05-2004 16:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ....... He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....." ;)


__________________________________________________ __

lettie 18-05-2004 19:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends
him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
erection once
a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here. :D

lettie 19-05-2004 19:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots..

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot." :D

Sparkologist 19-05-2004 19:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Once upon a time , there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them but they had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice, and soon after, they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work his car broke down, and since they lived in the country he phoned his wife to say that he would be a few hours late because he would have to walk home. On the way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to go, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. By the time he left, he'd had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home, he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seem excited. 'Darling, I've got the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She then put a blindfold on him and led him into the dining room to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one brewing. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the telephone.
Whilst she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg, 'parrrp', and let one go. Not only was it loud, it was ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and, 'rrriipppp!' It sounded like a lumpy diesel engine turning over on a cold morning, and smelled even worse. To refrain from gagging, he tried waving his arms around a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt the urge coming back once again.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned into the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them about with his napkin.

When he heard his telephone farewells, (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and placed his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was a picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked him if he had been peeking at the dinner. After assuring her that he hadn't, she removed the blindfold and yelled SURPRISE!!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the dinner table for his surprise birthday party.

lettie 19-05-2004 19:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: lol what a cracker... :D

lettie 20-05-2004 19:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This is a truly terrible joke (but It's not rude) :)





Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

" Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those
retards out"

The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-

..Away Gauls count for double in Europe."

Sparkologist 20-05-2004 19:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This one is also awful, you decide if it's rude

Please don't read this one on a full stomach!

There was a little girl and her mother walking throught the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, 'Mummy, what are they doing?'

The mother hesitates then quickly replies, 'Ummm, they are making cakes.'

The next day they are at the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and again her mother gives the same response, 'Making cakes.'

The next day the little girl says to her mother, 'Mummy, you and daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?

Shocked, the mother asks, 'How do you know?'

She says, 'Because I licked the icing off the sofa.' :eek:

lettie 20-05-2004 19:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:biggrin8: You sicko Sparky

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 13:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Here's a clean(ish)one.


A couple were on honeymoon lying in bed just about to consumate their marriage, when the wife turned to her new husband and said, 'I have a confession to make. I am not a virgin.'

The husband replied, 'That is no big deal in this day and age.'

The wife continued, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods'

'What, Tiger Woods the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they had done, the husband got up and walked to the phone.

'What are you doing?' asked the wife.

The husband said, 'I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that'

'Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband put down the phone, went back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finished, he got up and went over to the phone. 'What are you doing now? the wife asked.

The husband said, 'I'm still hungry. I was going to ring room service and order some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slammed down the phone, went back to bed and made love one more time. When they had finished, the guy was tired and beat. He dragged himself over to the phone and started to dial.

His wife asked, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole!'

lettie 21-05-2004 17:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela,Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the
cupboard and pees into it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same,
the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to pee in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him,
"But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!!!" :D

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 17:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:lol: Oooerrr :lol:

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 18:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
So, is this why the cemetery on Dill Hall Lane sometimes looks worse for wear???


Two women friends had been on a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over enthusiastic with the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a gravestone or something.

The first women had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them then threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home without her knickers last night.'

'That's nothing!' said the other. 'My wife came back with a card wedged between the cheeks of her ar$e that said, "From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you."'

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 20:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I've just been handed a rude, crude and downright dirty joke. It's a good 'un (That's another pair of knicks on the boil wash). :D
The question is: dare i post it? Who dares to dare me to post it?
Plod will have a coronary if i do - bring it on! :p
Maybe it's getting to the stage where we have a 'members only' subscription jokes page.

lettie 21-05-2004 20:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: I daren't dare you, as I wouldn't want you getting in trouble, (but top quality jokes are rare these days) If someone were to dare me to dare you, then I'd consider it. ;)

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 20:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I dare you :tongueout

lettie 21-05-2004 20:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:alright: I can't resist a dare.... It's bad staying in friday night, go on, give us a laugh....

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 20:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Tell me about it. It's even worse getting up at 5 to go to stinky smelly Widnes.

I might have to adapt the English language more than slightly and come up with a few euphamisms :p

You distract Plod while i slip that joke in unnoticed.

lettie 21-05-2004 21:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I'll distract plod with a brew and a doughnut. here's a short one to be going on with..

I got a new car radio, state of the art technology.

I shout soul..... it plays soul

I shout rock.... it plays rock

I shout jazz...... it plays jazz

The other day some kids ran out in front of my car

I shouted 'F * cking Kids'....... it played Gary Glitter!! :D

Sparkologist 21-05-2004 21:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:ban: Top Bannana :ban:

lettie 21-05-2004 21:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Go on Sparky, post the joke and get to bed. It's no fun being up at 5am. I'm chillin tonight after 9 days at work (they like you hardy in the NHS) Might have a lie in tomorrow, then go and watch the cup final. The sooner you post it, the sooner you can go to sleep. C'mon, you know you want to.... :)

janet 22-05-2004 10:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
You have to post the joke sparky, i'll burst if you dont.it would'nt be a pretty site.:alright:

Sparkologist 22-05-2004 16:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Right then Lettie & Janet, if plod gives me a season ticket for detention, you must promise to come and hold my hand, and write my lines for me :p
It has been censored and embellished and bears no resemblance to the foul and filthy little gem that dropped in my lap last night :D
Well, without further ado...


A bloke walked into a pub, strolled casually over to the bar and immediately caught the barmaid's eye, and she asked him what he would like. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage, and lick the sweat from between your buzz'ums," he said.
"You dirty old git! Get out before I go and get my husband!" shouted the barmaid.

The bloke apologised and promised that he wouldn't repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepted his apology and again asked him what he wanted. "Do you like strawberry yoghurt?" he replied.
A little taken aback by this response, the barmaid said, "Well...yes. But why do you ask?"
The bloke grinned and said, "Because I want to pull your pants down and smear strawberry yoghurt on the cheeks of your ar$e and massage it in gently, then lick it all off. Strawberry just happens to be my favourite flavour."
"Get out! You're banned!" screamed the barmaid. "I don't want to see you in here again!"

Once more, the bloke apologised and swore that there would be no more lewd outbursts. "OK then, one more chance... what do you want?"
The bloke started to fidget and laugh nervously as he said, "What I would really like is to rip off your knickers and spin you upside down. Then I want to spread your legs wide apart and fill your pu$$y with Stella Artois, and drink every last drop from it."
"Right, that's it!" stormed the barmaid, offended by this personal insult. "I'm going to fetch my husband!"

Off she went, upstairs to fetch her husband who was watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asked when he saw his wife in a state of distress.
"There's a bloke downstairs in the bar who wants to shove his face between my nellies and lick the sweat off 'em," she answered.
"Who is he? I'll kill him!" fumed her husband.
"Not only that, he wants to rub strawberry yoghurt into the cheeks of my ar$e before licking it clean," she sobbed.
"Right he's dead!" growled her husband, as he reached for a baseball bat. "Come down stairs with me, and show me who he is."
"But he also said he wanted turn me upside down, and fill my f@nny with Stella, then slurp every last drop of it till I'm bone dry!" she wailed.

The husband put down the baseball bat, returned to his armchair and switched the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?!" she screamed hysterically.

"Look love, just make sure he pays for it all, because I'm not messing with someone who can drink fifteen pints of Stella."


You can threaten me, or torture me in Abu Ghraib jail but I won't reveal my source, coz i've been promised many more like that little gem. Just remember, I am only a media, a conduit, a messenger, for a desperately sick mind. ;)

lettie 22-05-2004 16:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: :rofl38: Hats off to you Sparky. Nicely embellished, you're a natural joke teller.... :D

Sparkologist 22-05-2004 16:26

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Not at all, Lettie. I can write literary classics, but ask me to tell a joke and i come down with Elmer Fudd Syndrome. :D
That embellishment about the strawberry yoghurt... my own private fantasy ;)

lettie 22-05-2004 16:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:surprise: Prefer black cherry myself......

Sparkologist 22-05-2004 16:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I'm of to the asda, they have black cherry on a BOGOF deal :p

lettie 22-05-2004 16:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A short one, not embellished in any way but ever so slightly rude..

Please don't ban me, it's a sickness..... :o




A man walks into a bar with his pet croc on a lead, everbody in the pub gets ready to leave.
Dont worry said the man he's friendly, watch this.
He undoes his fly & gets his tool out, he pats the croc on the head & it opens its mouth, he puts his d**k in its mouth & pats the crocs head, it closes its mouth. He pats its head again, it opens its mouth & the man shows there are no marks on him at all.
Would anyone else like a go, asks the man.




A little old lady in the corner says, I will but dont pat me on the head. ;)

lettie 22-05-2004 19:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist, and this is one of those occasions.

Just as he reaches the climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.

"This picture is my lottery win", says the photographer. I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dries himself off and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says. "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"
:D

Sparkologist 22-05-2004 19:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Naughty, naughty. Very, very naughty! :lol:

WINGY 22-05-2004 22:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Absolutely loving these!!!!

lettie 23-05-2004 09:27

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An oldie.......


A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van... (you know,
shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that), when
suddenly
the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip
me,whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not
have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration,opens the window
snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they
both
collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the
whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having
sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in
all my years of doctoring






"You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever
seen...!! :D

janet 23-05-2004 09:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I love these jokes. sparky and lettie p.m me with the site you get them off.

lettie 23-05-2004 21:27

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and follows through in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!" :D

Tealeaf 24-05-2004 07:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by janet
I love these jokes. sparky and lettie p.m me with the site you get them off.

Lettie does'nt get these off a site, does she? This can't be true; Please, someone tell me this can't be true. I thought lettie made these jokes up at work, as she stands at the end of the bed yelling "Push...Push".......

lettie 24-05-2004 16:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:jump3: Most of my jokes are from old e mails Tealeaf. Actually, I could do with the name of a good website for jokes, as I am scraping the bottom of the barrell now. Most of the jokes I have left in my messages are way too rude to post on here. ;)

Tealeaf 24-05-2004 16:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Oh dear...they must be bad, considering some of the stuff that has been on here....being a quiet, innocent boy i think I'll have to refrain from here for a while

Sparkologist 24-05-2004 18:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tealeaf
Oh dear...they must be bad, considering some of the stuff that has been on here....being a quiet, innocent boy i think I'll have to refrain from here for a while

It would be wise to close your eyes, Mr T, if your cursor should inadvertantly stray into the Joke of the Day thread :) coz some of the next ones may make you wince, or wet yourself, depending on your moral disposition :p

lettie 24-05-2004 19:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:D Don't you just love GP receptionists..... This one makes me laugh, it's not particularly rude, but I have seen pretty much the exact same situation..


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p*ss out of it," the man replied.

Sparkologist 24-05-2004 19:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
What was it the editor of The Daily Mirror said, as he cleared his desk, publish and be damned?

Try this for size.
I have sanitised it as far as it can go without ruining its content. XXXXX doesn't reckon I'll get away with posting it, (it's a shame really coz it took me ages to type it up so it reads well), then dared me in a roundabout sort of way.
This isn't off any website, it's been running round in my head for the last fourteen years. I just remember the punchline and embellished the rest. :D


Two lads, Ady and Danny, were in their local, on a fruitless mission to chat up the barmaid. The crack and banter was flowing thick and fast, when in walked a lecturer from the local college.

"That's Joe, he's a wood technician," said Tricia, the barmaid. Upon hearing this statement, Ady and Danny start cracking jokes about porn stars and boners and things of that ilk. "No, seriously lads, he's a wood technician. Joe knows every type of wood there is. In fact he claims to be able to tell where a piece of wood has come from, just by smelling it."

Ady and Danny decided to have some fun and put Joe to the test. Ady went out to his car and brought back a cricket bat. "Right Joe, close your eyes and tell me where this piece of wood came from," said Ady as he held the bat under Joe's nose.
Joe sniffed at the lump of wood before him, and delivered his verdict. "I can smell freshly cut grass. There is a hint of leather on the wood, and I detect the smell of willow sap. I believe it's a cricket bat." At which point he opened his eyes to reveal Ady's cricket bat before him.
"I told you he was good, didn't I, lads," said Tricia the barmaid.

Danny, not to be outdone went out to his car and brought back a set of crown green bowls that belonged to his uncle. Again Joe was asked to close his eyes and tell his inquisitors where the wood came from that was placed before him. "This one is not so easy," he replied. "Once again, I can smell freshly cut grass, also there is a faint aroma of tropical rain forest. It is definately a tropical hardwood." Joe thought about it some more before saying, "All the evidence points to the wood being from an outdoor bowling ball. That's what it is, it's a crown green bowling ball."
The barmaid said, "He's better than you thought, isn't he, boys?" At which Ady and Danny could only nod in agreement.

After a moments colusion, Ady and Danny took Tricia to one side and whispered something in her ear. Tricia took a pencil from on top of the till and disappeared with it to the ladies toilets. She dropped her panties and proceeded to push the pencil up her pu$$y, then she twizzled it around and jiggled it up and down, just for good measure. When Tricia returned from the ladies, she gave Ady and Danny a sly wink to let them know the deed was done. "OK Joe, close your eyes again and let's see how good you really are," said Tricia, as she held the pencil under the wood technician's nose. "Tell us where this piece of wood came from."

Joe was confused straight away. There were so many conflicting smells. Try as he might, the wood technician just couldn't get a fix on the smells and scent of the wood placed before him. He racked his brain to recall where the strange odours came from. "There is a powerful and overbearing smell of stale fish before me, coupled with that there is a foul stench of dried spunk stains. A most unusual combination of smells. I think my memory and olfactory sense is playing tricks on me, for I have never come across this cocktail of odours before," he said.

Slowly, a grin started to break out on his face. "Yes, I do believe I've got it," said Joe as he turned in the direction of Ady and Danny.
"Well, come on then. Please do tell us," said Ady, barely able to stiffle his laughter.

"It's the combination of stale fish and spunk stains on the wood that gave the game away," said Joe. "It's off the back of a Grimsby trawler's bog door!"



My legal/moral support team reckon i can get away with posting this stripped down version. If i'm going down, they're coming with me! ;)

lettie 24-05-2004 20:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:wave8: :wave8: Hehehehehe.... You've made some of mine look tame Sparky. Somebody please give this man a karma point, as I am currently unable to.... :)

Sparkologist 24-05-2004 20:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Karma point by proxy. Fankoo! :D

Sara 24-05-2004 20:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Okay Lettie, done what you asked of somebody. Given Sparkologist a karma point, think it's deserved.

lettie 24-05-2004 20:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Thankyou Sara... :foryou:

Sparkologist 24-05-2004 20:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Perhaps we should have some guidelines regarding what naughty words we are allowed to submit. Am i allowed to use that word that means 'ninety-nine, change hands' and starts with the letter 'W'? :rolleyes:
If we are, i've got another literary classic waiting to be embellished :p

WINGY 24-05-2004 20:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
so did i hehe

lettie 24-05-2004 20:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparkologist
Perhaps we should have some guidelines regarding what naughty words we are allowed to submit. Am i allowed to use that word that means 'ninety-nine, change hands' and starts with the letter 'W'? :rolleyes:
If we are, i've got another literary classic waiting to be embellished :p


Do you mean the exercising of the right wrist word???? Or is it a new word I've never heard of. :)

lettie 24-05-2004 20:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their
sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not
help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave themthorough
physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,
"Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,
roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bullseye in your wife's
love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard
and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room,
toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good
doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case
unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams
and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I
cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is
as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns,
now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop
at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..." ;)

Sparkologist 24-05-2004 20:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lettie
Do you mean the exercising of the right wrist word???? Or is it a new word I've never heard of. :)

Yep, but ninety-nine change hands implies use of more than just right wrist; ambidexterity is the Sunday name. :D

Will somebody please condone this verbal vulgarity so i can get posting

lettie 24-05-2004 21:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Oooh! Us women are so cruel, but this joke is clean so I'll post it.... :)



Jake was on his deathbed.. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.


'My darling Susan,' he whispered.

'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'

He was insistent.

'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to
you.'

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all
right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend and your mother.'

'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'

Tealeaf 25-05-2004 13:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lettie
Aand a box of cheerios..." ;)

What are Cheerios?

Mick 25-05-2004 13:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Please keep it reasonably clean don't forget there are children on here now.
thankyou

Bazf 25-05-2004 14:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Tealeaf I think in the UK they are called Honey Loops.


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