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Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car & the woman said - kiss me where its wet, so paddy started the car & drove her to Gloucester.:D
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Nice one:D |
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Subject: Irish Airways
Irish Airways As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard: PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is? CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus! CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !! PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !! PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !! PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!! CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can. So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers,and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!! As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!" Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?" |
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Liked the joke Whistler made we laugh out loud. Going to Ireland in a few weeks, after reading that glad i've booked the ferry.
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Sara, I'm sure I know a joke about the irish ferry..........I'll have to think.
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And I'm not talking about the Irish sheep farmer ....
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The HR manager of the factory in America that manufactures the 'Tickle me Elmo' dolls (you know,the character from Sesame Street)had just taken on a new female employee.
The new lady had been there for a few days when the line manager paid a visit to the HR manager to complain that the lady was holding up the production line and causing chaos.He asked that the HR manager come down to the shop floor to watch the lady in action. The HR manager went down to where the production line was and saw the new lady surrounded by toys that had fallen off the conveyor belt because they were all piling up,the other workers were shouting at her and it was indeed chaos. The HR manager approached the new lady,who seemed oblivious to the pile-up she was causing.The lady was perched on a stool at the conveyor belt,meticulously sewing two marbles into a small piece of red cloth and stitching the small package between Elmo's legs. The HR manager asked the lady what on earth she was doing and the lady told her that she was doing as she had been instructed at the interview. 'No!' the HR manager said.'I told you that your job was to give Elmo two TEST TICKLES!':D |
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Nice one ... reminds me of the aliens who had three balls ... they were the Exteratesticles.
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I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, because it actually happened. A friend of mine who lives in the boonies attended a meeting between sheep farmers and reps from the Ontario Ministry of the Environment. The problem was wolves. They were eating sheep. The wolf population in this area has been allowed to increase because it became evident that wolves performed the useful function of keeping the deer population healthy by culling the weak and sick members of the local herds. However, the occasional meal of mutton on the hoof provided variety to the wolf diet. The farmers of course wanted the wolves shot. A rep fromt the ministry suggested that male wolves be trapped, castrated and relocated (ouch, I feel for those poor animals). A farmer stood up and said something like: "Lady, you aint got the point. Problem is around here is that them wolves is eatin' the sheep, they aint screwing them"
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some very excellent jokes here too many for me to read all at once though
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Two young women, a blonde and a brunette get really hammered in a bar. The dark haired girl, being responsible suggests that, not having the money for a taxi, they walk the 10km home rather than drive impaired. About halfway home, the blonde says that she can't walk any more. The other girl tells the blonde to sit by the side of the road ... they were in a rural area so it was safe .... while she walked home, phoned a friend with a car, and returned to pick the blonde up. Brunnette walks home and phones a really good friend .... remember that this is about 3am! They drive back to pick up the blonde, but she has disappeared. They finally find her in the middle of a field with some cows. She is sitting under one of the cows sucking on its teats. Seeing her dark haired friend the blonde says: "Come here and help out. One of these guys must have a car."
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A little girl was in her back garden patting down a freshly-filled hole when the next door neighbour, an elderly lady looks over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was doing, she politely asked:"what are you doing?" My goldfish died replied the tearful girl without looking up and i have just buried him. The old lady was suprised and pointed out "that's a very big hole for a goldfish isn't it? The little girl carried on patting the soil down on the hole crying her eye's out then got up and said "that's because he's still inside your sodding cat" |
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Good One Mick:d
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A sweet little girl goes into a pet shop and lisps to the owner,
"Pleathe have you got any little rabbitth?" The owner bends down to her level and smiles. "Do you want a little white rabbit, a furry little black rabbit or a lovely little brown rabbit?" he asks. The little girl puts her small fists one her hips, leans forward and whispers, "I really don't think my python giveth a thit." |
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i whent to the local pet shop and sked for a gold fish
the assistant said do you want an a aquarium i said i dont care when it was born |
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Kermit Jagger
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) (a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) |
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A bear, a lion, and a chicken are sitting around talking about who is the toughest animal. The bear says "When I roar the whole forest trembles." The lion says "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear." The chicken says, "All I have to do is cough and the whole world ****s itself."
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Computer Trouble
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer. Training stresses that we are not the Software Police, so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: Umm hmm. What happened? Customer: As I put each disk in, it turns out they weren't initialized. Tech Support: Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am? Customer: (proudly) I wrote it down. It said, "This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?" Tech Support: Er, what happened next? Customer: After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work and I can't read them in the A: drive. The PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong? |
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Kingston. A woman may go to the store to choose a husband. At the entrance of the store is a description of how it operates. One may visit the store only once. There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is a catch however. A woman may choose any man from a particular floor, or choose to go up a floor; but she cannot go back down except to exit the building. A woman goes to the store and on the first floor the sign reads "These men have jobs." On the second floor: "These men have jobs and love kids." On the third: "These men have jobs, love kids and are very good looking." On the fourth: "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework." On the fifth floor the sign reads: "These men have jobs, love kids, are good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." She is tempted to choose one of these, but she feels impelled to go to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: "You are vistor 31, 456, 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor, it exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
A New Wives Store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third thro' sixth floors have never been visited. |
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Just reversed in to a car, a drawf got out and said "I'm not happy!!!!!!"
I asked "which one are you then?" |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s b a c k ? " :D |
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errr who are you??? :D;):rolleyes:
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Here tinks this link might help you with your problem
http://www.tenadirect.co.uk/menu.htm |
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:rofl38:... I bought shares in that company !! :o ;) :p
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LOL. I remember Dave Spikey telling that one in his stand-up show at King George's Hall a couple of years ago. It brought the house down! :D |
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me going to burnley :eek: |
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A world war two fighter pilot was giving a talk at a Catholic girls school. Asked to describe what a "dog fight" was he talked of one of his experiences in the Battle of Britain. "I was flying over the chanel" he said "and all of a sudden there was a fokker on my right, one on my left, and another on my tail." At this point the girlish giggling had grown to such a level, that the nun who was running the show interrupted to tell the girls that the fokker was a type of German aircraft. "Thank you sister," said the old warrior, "but these fokkers were messerschmitt's."
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Here is one for you
you are driving at a constant speed on your left is a sheer drop on your right is a fire engine traveling the same speed as you, in front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and your cannot overtake it and behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also traveling at the same speed as you..... what must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? GET OFF THE KIDDIES MERRY GO ROUND YOUR WASTED !!!!!:D |
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There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
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that one i liked. good on you bluesmaster
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HERES ONE IF YOU KNOW OLD MONEY YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB A BOB. AND IF YOUR BOB DOESNT GIVE OUR BOB THAT BOB YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB OUR BOB IS GUNNA GIVE YOUR BOB A BOB ON THE NOSE :not_ripe: |
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HERES ONE IF YOU KNOW OLD MONEY YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB A BOB. AND IF YOUR BOB DOESNT GIVE OUR BOB THAT BOB YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB OUR BOB IS GUNNA GIVE YOUR BOB A BOB ON THE NOSE :not_ripe: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
HERES ONE IF YOU KNOW OLD MONEY YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB A BOB. AND IF YOUR BOB DOESNT GIVE OUR BOB THAT BOB YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB OUR BOB IS GUNNA GIVE YOUR BOB A BOB ON THE NOSE :not_ripe: |
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.
"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow" The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms". "No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom". |
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Edna's business has gone bankrupt, all her money has gone and she's in serious trouble. She kneels to pray,
"Please, Lord, help me. All my money is gone and I'm going to lose my home too. Please let me win the Lottery." Wednesday's Lottery comes but someone else wins so Edna kneels in prayer again. "Lord, help me, things are getting worse and I've only got a week before they repossess my house. Let me win the Lottery, please." On Saturday, again, she doesn't win the Lottery. Once again she kneels to pray, "Lord, why have you forsaken me? You know how much I need to win the Lottery. Please make it happen." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and the great voice of God fills the air, "Edna, meet me half way on this one. Buy a bloody ticket." |
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Maria the maid goes to her mistress and asks for a pay rise. The mistress asks why she thinks she deserves one and Maria says she has 3 reasons.
Maria: The first reason is I iron better than you do, madam. Mistress: Who said you iron better than me? Maria: The master did. Mistress: Oh Maria: The second reason is I'm a better cook than you. Mistress: Who said you're a better cook than me? Maria: The master did. Mistress: Oh Maria: The third reason is I'm a better lover than you. Mistress (very upset now): Did the master say that as well? Maria: No madam. The gardener did. |
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart |
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter." |
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An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker. '10' replies the Essex girl. '10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?' 'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.' 'Doesn't that get confusing?' 'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...' 'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker. 'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.' |
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An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonaise.' |
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Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.' The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.' |
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An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?' Girl: 'OK' Medic: 'What's your name?' Girl: 'Sharon.' Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?' Sharon: 'Yes.' Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?' Sharon: 'Romford, mate.' |
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An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of them! |
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Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Sharon: 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!' |
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An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?' The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!' |
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise"! were my last words. Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. And a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed .... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos equals MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, ****", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted". |
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A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. |
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Deer Meat
A Man kills a deer and takes it home for his wife to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife, knowing their children's love of Bambi, decide it's perhaps best that they don't reveal to the children what the meat is. But the kids almost immediately pick up on the "gamey-ness" in the taste of the meat and demand to know what it is they're eating. After much repeated pestering, the father succumbs to his belief that a parent should be honest with his children whenever possible and says he will tell them when they guess right. "Give us a clue, give us a clue!," the kids say. "Okay," the father says, "It's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The oldest child screams to her younger brother, "Oh, my God, don't eat it .... >> >> >> >> >> >> ... IT'S AN A**HOLE! |
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Jamal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Jamal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."
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and another:).....
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!' BOOM BOOM |
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A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel, and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defence has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
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A bloke tells his mate that Psyciatrists are rubbish. I had a whole year of therapy and it was an utter failure. His mate says but aren't you cured now? the bloke says I guess so, but a year ago i was Napoleon, now i'm a nobody
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It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead |
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Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, if they are small enough. |
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A woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love. |
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Five tips for a man seeking a perfect relationship
1/ it's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job. 2/It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3/ it's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who would never lie to you. 4/ its important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you. 5/ it's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other |
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An old lady is stopped for speeding, the officer asks her for her licence, she tells him she had it taken away 4 years ago for drink drivng. He then asks her for her other documents, she tells him that she's stollen the car killed the the driver and put him in the boot. The officer calls for armed backup, they arrive and the senior officers opens the boot and its empty. he says to the old lady wheres the body, she say I don't, he will be telling you next that I was speeding:D
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Re: Joke Of The Day
double post sorry
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the German
German guy approaches a prostitute and says ' I vish to buy sex vit you'
'OK' says the girl, 'I charge 100 quid an hour' 'Is goot' says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky' 'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans and knees.' She duly does this, balancing on the springs. 'You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?' 'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique' |
Re: the German
Haha nutcase!
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Re: the German
still cant give me one hey Derek? lol
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Re: the German
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Re: Joke Of The Day
President Bush made a speech to US athletes at a training camp for Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He began his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer ran over to the lectern and whispered in the president's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ans: Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
theres Days for everyone now- Mothers Day for Mums, Fathers Day for Fathers, Valentines Day for Lovers, and now Palm Sunday for Wankers.;)
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Two blonds are in bed and one says to the other, "I don't reckon much to this swaping lark, do you", no says the other, after ten second the first blond say "I wonder how the lads are getting on
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Re: Joke Of The Day
PLEASE DONT GET MAD AT MEL, GOT IT SENT BY SOMEONE AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, IT YOU DONT THINK IT IS THEN MICK YOU CAN DELETED IT.
A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to the UK He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!' The Person says, 'I not British, I am Polish.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in England!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India, I am not British!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you British?' She says, No,I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?' The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!!!!!! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Hope PC Plod doesn,t see this one...............:D
I wish it was that easy A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!' As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it .... and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' '**** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, anything Aboriginaland an Indian spin bowler. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going to the Pub 7.5 and Baseball 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run other favorite applications. I'm thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help. Thanx. Reply. Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men often complain about. Many upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Alimony-Child Support." I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintainance! It does come with several support systems, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve performance is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Warning: Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary With Big Tits 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Good Luck. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Question: Why were hurricanes normally named after women?
Answer: Because when they come they are wild and wet; but when they go, they take your house and car with them. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two guys playing golf, when a hearse drives by, first guy stands up straight, doffs his cap and bows his head, second guy says, that was decent of you, a very nice touch, first guy says, well I was married to her for 35 years!
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to santa. Or see the slogan; "Dyslexics of the World untie!"
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Re: Joke Of The Day
And this is one for bullseyebarb, if she ever gets around to reading jokes:
During his Presidency, Bill Clinton took a little jaunt to his home state of Arkansas using the Presidential hellicopter. When he returned to the White House, he was carrying a pig under each arm. The normally stoic Marine guard, could not resist breaking protocol and asking the Bill why he was carrying two pigs. "Sir, Mr. President, sir, may I be permitted to ask why my Commander in Chief is carrying a pig under each arm." "Certainly you can, sargeant, these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks straight from my home in the Great State of Arkansas. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea" And the Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. President, sir, may I be allowed to congratulate you on making such a great trade." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A young blonde woman walked into the doctors and asked for his help, "Everywhere that I touch myself I have severe pain".
The doctor asks her to show him so she touched her head and howled in pain, she then touched her elbow and again howled with pain, after touching her knee the pain was unbearable and she broke down in tears. The doctor said "I think I know what is wrong with you" "Oh, doctor please tell me,what is it?" "Youv'e broken your finger " he said |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Paddy decides.....
to rob a bank. He got all the gear together - stocking mask, sawn-off shotgun, getaway car and so on. But he realised his accent would mark him out as Irish, so he took elocution lessons for almost a year until he could finally pass as an Englishman. On the day of the robbery he donned his mask, rushed into the bank and said, "I say there, I'm terribly sorry but this is a robbery. Be a good chap and fill this sack with lots of lovely lolly." The cashier said, "You're Irish aren't you?" Paddy was astonished. "How the divil did ye figure dat out?", he asked. The cashier replied, "It was easy, you've sawn the wrong end off your shotgun!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a pack
of Stella and puts them into the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £16 for 24 cans", he says "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back? |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Why men make better friends than women:
Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. Reply With Quote |
Re: Joke Of The Day
WE ARE CANADIANS
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September thru May, you live in Canada. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Canada. If you measure distance in hours, you live in Canada. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Canada. If you drive 150km/hr thro a metre of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Canada. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Canada. If you design your kid's halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Canada. If the speed limit on the highway is 100, and you are going 120 and everyone is passing you, you live in Canada. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Canada. If you have more milage on your snowblower than you do on your car, you live in Canada. If you find -20 degrees a little chilly, you live in Canada. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan) WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - HUSBAND: whoops! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Good news... The Austrian cellar rapist, Josef Friztel, has been handed the death penalty.
Bad news... John Terry is taking it! :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
WOMEN BEWARE!!!!
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with Someone else's thighs. The new ones were the texture of lumpy Porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for Years? Whose thighs were these and what had happened to mine? I spent the Entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry I Resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and those tights that Pull everything in. Then, just when my guard was down the thieves struck again. My bum was next! I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new Rear end to the thighs they had lumbered me with earlier. I couldn't Believe it - my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than My original. Now, my rear complemented my thighs lump for lump. Frantically I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. Last year I realised my arms had been switched. One morning I was Brushing my hair when I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh Of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was getting really scary. My body was being replaced one section At a time. How clever and fiendish. AGE? Age had nothing to with it. Age is supposed to creep up, Unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked Repeatedly and without warning. In despair I have given up short Sleeved T-shirts. Last month my neck disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey, which It now resembled. That's why I have decided to tell my story. I can't take on the Medical profession by myself. WOMEN OF THE WORLD WAKE UP!! That really isn't plastic those surgeons are using. You KNOW where They are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face 'lift' look again. Was it 'lifted' from you? I think I finally found my thighs and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a Really good price for them!! THIS IS NOT A HOAX. THIS IS HAPPENING TO WOMEN IN YOUR TOWN EVERY NIGHT. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last night I thought someone had stolen my boob's too!! I was lying In bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to Find that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I am Keeping them safely hidden in the waistband of my skirt. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
How many children?" asks the council worker of the chavette
10" replies the girl 10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?" Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" Doesn't that get confusing?" Naah..." says the girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it. What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker That's easy," says the girl, "I just use their surnames".. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Bought a packet of sausages the other day.It had a picture of Antony Worrall Thompson on the front.
Underneath it said Prick With A Fork. |
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The husband leans over and asks his wife,"do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind the village tavrn where you leaned against the back fence and i made love to you"
Yes, she says, "I remember it well" OK he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it again for old times sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a razy, but good idea Apolice officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation an having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows, The couple walk haltedly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts up her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. Asshe leans against the fence, the old man oves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 15 minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and groaning. Finally they oth collapse, panting on the ground The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about an hour of lying on he ground recovering the couple struggle to their feet and put their cloths back on. The polceman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes him, he says to them Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together, i there some kind of secret to this. Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A blonde decides to try horse riding. On her first practice she mounts her steed unassisted and it immediately springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady pace, but the blonde begins to slip off the saddle. In terror she grabs at the horses mane but she can't seem to get a firm grip. She throws her arms around the horse's neck but is struggling to stop herself sliding down its flank. The horse gallops on, seeming oblivious to the fate of its rider. The blonde panics and attempts to leap from her steed, desperate to throw herself to safety. Disaster strikes, her foot gets stuck in the stirrup, her head is now being struck on the ground over and over again. Things look bad for her but, seconds before she passes out, she's saved by the supermarket manager - who comes over and unplugs the ride. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him -- it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
a chicken and a donkey go for a walk in the country.. the donkey falls down a hole so the chicken gets a rope, fastens it onto a nearby BMW and uses it to pull the donkey out.
Next day they are walking in the same place and the chicken falls down the hole.. the donkey stands over the hole and put his erm...penis in and uses it to pull the chicken out Moral of the story.......... If you are hung like a donkey you dont need a BMW to pull a chick |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Ok, this might not be as good as some of the jokes on ere but here goes..
A mother was going through her 12 year olds sock draw when she discovered an "S+M" magazine. Shocked, she run down stairs to her husband. "Derek, look what ive found in our sons draws" and throws the mag at her husband, who proceeds to flick through the bondage mag with interest. "oooh, ahhh...terrible, terrible" says the husband. "Oh Derek, what are we gonna do?", asks the mother. The husband pauses, scratches his chin and replies..."Well, i dont think we should spank him" LOL I'll get me coat |
Re: Joke Of The Day
This is actually one of Tylers.......
Why did the piece of cake get in the car? Because it was parkin! made me laugh anyway :D Ill be joining Danny then lol |
Re: Joke Of The Day
heres one for you...
Why wasnt Jesus born in Burnley? Because they couldnt find three wise men, OR a virgin! |
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