Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two newfies hired a boat and went out for a little bass fishing ... they found a great spot and were hauling in trophy bass. One newfie said, "Why don't we put an "X" on the bottom of the boat and mark this spot." His buddy replied, "Nah, that won't work boy; how do you know that we will be able to rent the same boat next time?"

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Local Police hunting the "knitting needle nutter" who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's one for the old farts:

What do Loretta Switt and Richard Pryor have in common?

They've both had major burns on their face.

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Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. Ed was ecstatic when he found out they lived near each other. As soon as he was home Ed started asking her out. He took her everywhere and every date seemed better than the last. Ed decided he had met his soul-mate.
At then end of the month, over dinner, he said “I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you but I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. Before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"


Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."


Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

No one believes seniors…everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd
shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. 
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." 
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile" 

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. 
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Wine does not make you FAT .....



- it makes you LEAN .......


(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

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It was Christmas day and everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Billy, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Billy explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more - let one who knows explain. 
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
 
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK. then it's you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's some new and old Irish jokes - my apologies to the Irish.

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies, "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"


A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... 

The driver won £52!



Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

..and still some more.

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. 
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" 
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."



Paddy says to Mick, I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. 

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?."

Paddy replies, “I'll take her with me!"
 



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."




Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?" 
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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One day a man is walking his dog along his local beach when he sees something shining in the sand , so he stoops to pick it up after removing it from the sand he finds that its an old oil lamp. So he rubs off the sand as he does so a genie pops out with a huge rush of air, the man looks up at the genie and thinks oh my god whats this , anyway the genie says to him"for releasing me you can have one wish but make it a good one" the man ponders for a moment then says to the genie "well i have always wanted to see my brother in Australia but hate flying and cant sail either can you build me a road to australia"? The genie laughs and says "for gods sake man that would drain a lot of resources from the world and take even me to much time think of something else". So the man thinks again then says to the genie "can you give me the power to understand women"? The genie laughs again this time for longer and harder than last time then says !" do you want a single road or a dual carriageway "!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: Joke Of The Day
 

flashman your starting to repeat yourself
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/f...y-2647-38.html:p:p:p:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'm confused cos I don't have any posts at this link

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Post 1858

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The Bowls Club Members.

One morning three women are playing bowls on the fourth green, when suddenly, a guy runs passed wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well he's certainly not my husband".
As he passes the second woman, she also looks down and says, " He's not mine either."
He then passes the third woman, who also looks down very carefully. " Wait a minute," she says, " He's not even a member of the bowling club."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Newfie and his wife weresitting at home watching hockey on t.v. when, suddenly, his wife clutched her chest and slid to the floor. The Newf dialed 911 and told the operator that he needed an ambulance. The operator asked him for his address. He told her, "876 Tyendenaga Avenue."

"Could you spell that for me?" the operator asked. After a long silence, the Newfie said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St., and you can pick her up there."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

 The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 The man went back to his reading. 


A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
 Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

 Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm”. The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"



The woman nodded, "Pepper".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Out on the backroads of Newfoundland, Bill rolled his truck. He was so badly mangled and burned that the coroner needed help identifying the body. As Bill had no family, he called in Bill's best friends, Charlie and Fred. Charlie looked at the body and said he wasn't sure. He asked the coroner to roll him over; Charlie looked and said, "Nah this ain't the bye." Same thing with Fred. Curious the coroner asked why they wanted to view the body from the back. Charlie and Fred both said that it couldn't be Bill 'cause Bill had two assholes. "Really", said the coroner. "For sure", said Fred. "Everytime we came into town for a beer, folks would say 'Here comes Bill with them two assholes.' "

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Newfie was walking along the beach near Come by Chance, looking for empties so that he could return them and buy more beer. He picked up an old brown stubby and, low and behold, out popped a genie who proceded to offer him three wishes. "I'll have me a bottle of beer that is never empty" says the bye from rock. A bottle full of the coldest, best tasting beer he had ever drunk appeared in his hand ... he drained it; and, sure enough, it filled again. Once more, he drained it. And again. The genie, getting a little impatient, reminded him he still had two wishes left. "No problem," said the Newf, emptying the bottle yet again; "I'll have me two more of these".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

FREE MEAT
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby boy in her arms, entered his butchers shop and confronted him with the news, that the baby was his, and what was he going to do about it? Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat, until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into his shop and said "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and see the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother what the butcher had said.
The woman nodded and said "Son, go back to the butcher, and tell him i have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the last 16 years, and watch the expression on his face."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Breaking news: A skelton was discovered in a tree in Come By Chance, Newfoundland. DNA testing revealed that the remains were those of the All Newfoundland Hide and Go Seek champion of 1933.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A couple were out Xmas shopping,The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to notice the husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do hence,She became so worried she called him on her mobile to ask where he was.The husband answered an said in a quite voice "Do yo remember that Jewelers we went into about 6yrs ago,where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford,And i told you i'd get it you 1day?
The wifed choked up and started to cry. "Y YES" she replied "I remember"
The husband said "WELL I'M IN THE PUB NEXT DOOR"

Who said us fellas don't remember ;)

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Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Correct grammar.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager ! to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little known fact

An interesting but little known fact..
The first testicular guard (“box”) was used in cricket in 1874
And the first cricket safety helmet was used in 1974.

Which means.....

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains may also be important!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

No it ment by 1874 men HAD protected there brains:D

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Nearing The End

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied.
" I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man received the following message on his phone:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again".

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife”."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

TELEPHONE SURVEY

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-
"Please would you give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world".

*The survey was a complete failure because:*

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "HONEST" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "SHORTAGE" meant.
In Africa, they didn't know what "FOOD" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "OPINION" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "SOLUTION" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "PLEASE" meant.
In USA, they didn't know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" meant.
And in Britain, Australia and New Zealand, everyone hung up as soon as they heard the "Indian Accent"

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A Welshman walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "Excuse me I wasn't talking to you."

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

THE CREATION

A little girl asked her Mother, "How did the human race appear Mum?" The Mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children
and eventually so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her Father the same question. The Father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her Mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you
told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said
we developed from monkeys and apes?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple; I told you about my side of the
family and your father told you about his."

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Quiz question tha't got to be mulled over.

Whats the country situated between Romania and the Ukraine?

;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

As the storm raged the, captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, l know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we’re one short."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

TIGER WOODS IN IRELAND

On a golf tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware who the golfing pro is.

" Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What be those?" asks the attendant.

" They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on gods earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Jaysus" says the Irishman, " Mercedes think of everything".

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Crutches Anyone??

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water, splashes some on both legs, then throws away both his crutches

An alter boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he had just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle, tell me, where is he now".

The alter boy replies, "Flat on his arse father, over by the holy water".

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A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lass".

She replied "Och Jock, that's nice, are you taking me to the pub with you?"

"Nae, Jock replied, i'm switching the central heating off while i'm oot".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Now the defence for Oscar Pistorious is on it's last legs anyone making jokes about Oscar is just prosthetic!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Thats nearly as bad as Peaches has just been Creamed.

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Well if they find him guilty he's gonna lose that spring in his step.

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Why anyone would find this the least bit humorous really has me stumped.

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Thankfully, there won`t be a public hanging, people would just keep shouting out letters.

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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

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DONATIONS

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam outside the Houses of Parliament in London.

A man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, " What's going on."

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MPs during a sitting of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

" How much is everyone giving on average?" the driver asks.

The man replied, " Roughly four litres."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Old lady getting married for the umpteenth time says to her toyboy husband.You will have to wear a condom when you make love to me darling.You got to be joking love says the new husband, how will you get pregnant at your age? The old lady replies, I love the smell of burning rubber!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying full wages to his help
so sent an auditor to investigate.

AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you
pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been
with me for 3 years.

I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work
around here.

He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a
bottle of Coruba rum and a dozen lagers on Saturday nights so he can
cope with life.

He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally
challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'd be me then.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands”. "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He looks around and then drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I have kleptomania.....


....When it gets bad, I have to take something for it.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Edinburgh, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink,
ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from,
dere's a better one. Inna Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At
Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda
drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like
a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "And you think that's great? Where Oi come from
in Dublin, there's this wee pub called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy
you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your
tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "The truth is it happen to me wife!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

MISSING WIFE

A husband went to the police station to file a "Missing person report" for his missing wife:
HUSBAND:- Iv'e lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.
INSPECTOR:- What is her height?.
HUSBAND:- I never really checked.
INSPECTOR:- Slim or healthy?.
HUSBAND:- Slim, but not healthy.
INSPECTOR:- Colour of her eyes?.
HUSBAND:- Never took much notice.
INSPECTOR:- Colour of hair?.
HUSBAND:- Changes according to season.
INSPECTOR:- What was she wearing?,
HUSBAND:- Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.
INSPECTOR:- Was she driving?.
HUSBAND:-Yes.
INSPECTOR:- What is the number, name and colour of the car?........
HUSBAND:- Black Audi 8, with superchared 3.0 litre engine,
generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights,
which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin light scratch on the left door..... He then started to cry.
INSPECTOR:- Don't worry sir,..........we will find your car.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.

Strangely, it's a half hour walk from the pub to my house :confused:

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

FIRST THE APPLE

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police


Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'b***** off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My mate Sid was recently a victim of ID theft.... He's just called S now.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh** sitting on your knee'.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I just saw a lovely owd dear doing a tribute to the England team....

.....She got off the bus looking a bit confused, then got back on and went home.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The European Commision have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped
in favour of the "k". This shold klear up konfusion and keyboards
kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan
be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his Legal Team @ hired Celtics, after he discovered they lost both legs and still won.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This made me chuckle...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMJhOSdxQVg

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"It's a cracker"....may I draw your attention to post #1929 ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Our works email system must be behind yours.:)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Political Incorrectness coming up, eh.

There's this butt ugly, fat broad shopping in Walmart ... go figure, eh ... and the BO! One day she was walking down the street and a crow, munching on a fresh, dead skunk was down wind of her armpits ... the poor bird flew away, gagging.

Anyway, she had two obnoxious brats with her ... a toddler, and a baby in her arms. Buddy walks up to her (holding his nose) and asks: "Excuse me, madam. Are those children twins?"

"Are you kiddin?", she responded, spitting out bits of Doritos as she spoke. "One's four ... and the other three months."

"Amazing," said the dude. "I would never have thought that you had been laid twice."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

IRISH EXPLANATION.

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy, in a steaming rage, and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! i'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife, your daughter, telling her i was comming home today from my fishing trip. I get home.... and guess what i found?.
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!. This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done, i'm leaving forever!"

" Ah calm down, calm down, Paddy!'' says his mother-in-law.
There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go to speak to her immediately, and find out what happened".

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile on her face.

"Paddy, i told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your email !"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Should Scotland vote Yes for Independance seems they will have to use a temporary currency until they join the EU.

Tennants and Heroin should do the trick. ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Government has warned that if Scotland votes for independence, they may not be allowed to keep the Pound.
Attachment 44223

I knew there wasn't much money up North D, but heroin and tennants :eek:,
I suppose they could always fall back on Tunnock's Teacakes :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN.

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man, if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and he has had no experience with any woman.

She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other. So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing naked in the middle of the room. All the furniture is piled into the corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it is anything like a Kangaroo, i am gonna need all the room i can get!".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he could of done with a second coat.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what? probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the Minister under the bed."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Gun Control has already started at Bass Pro Shops Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets
at my local Bass Pro Shop, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control
wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in
the card reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still do not think I looked that bad.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog in a front garden,the dog was licking his bits.

One guy turns to his mate and says, "Man, I wish I could do that".

His mate says, "Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to the manager about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for us seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff.....!!!!!
:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

That joke looks familiar!
Oh yes, see post 1980.
Pay attention, DtheP!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Cheers Gordon :alright:

Not much gets past you eh?

I am suitable admonished.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Senior Moments?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just evening the score! Not much gets past you either.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A married couple were asleep in bed when ,at 2 am, the phone rang.
The wife picked it up, listened for a moment then said 'How should I know? It's 200 miles from here' and hung up.
The husband said 'Who was that?'
The wife replied 'I don't know, some silly woman asking if the coast was clear'.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The French Government has banned Euro Disney from having firework displays any more.
After a display last week the nearby French Army Garrison of 5000 surrendered to a passing coachload of Czech tourists.

War without France would be like......World War II.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

**Breaking News**
The inventor of Predictive Text has died.

His funfair will be hello on a sundial.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The phone rings,
"Hello," "Mrs Sanders please," "Speaking".
"Mrs Sanders, this is Dr Jones at the St Agnes Laboratory.
When your husbands doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well".
"We are now uncertain which belongs to your husband, frankly, either way the results are not too good".
"What do you mean?" Mrs Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive to Alzheimers, and the other one tested positive to HIV. We can't tell which belongs to your husband".
"That's dreadful, can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.
"Normally we can, but NHS will only pay for this expensive test once"
"Well, what am i supposed to do now?" asks Mrs Sanders.

"The NHS help desk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home don't sleep with him".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

(Apologies to al the blonde ladies).

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!". I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more.".. I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins". Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
"That was the easy part. I went to Aldi and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today. I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my frigging car had been stolen.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Problem solved.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
 Outside the store he realised he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. 


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
 She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
 The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time.'
 The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
 The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' 
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bumped into an old mate last night.
"Bloody Hell you have lost weight" says I
"Yeah the pounds have been dropping off me since the wife left me" say he.
"Missing her home cooking then?" say I
"Naah" says he " I just keep skipping everywhere!"

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

As it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one :
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

:D:D:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had a similar string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

(Sorry if this offends anyone)

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" 


Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?"


"Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same ruddy dog".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Hello, is this the Police Office?

Yes. What can I do for you?'

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy… He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's hidin' it there.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.'



The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave.



Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd…. Did the Police come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep!

Happy Birthday, buddy!