Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A don was delivering a lecture about the various ways of making love.He began:"There are fifty ways of making love..."
"Seventy-two,"came a voice from the back.
The don so used to such interuptions at his University,decided to ignore the interuption,and continued:"There are fifty ways of..." "Seventy-two!"
"Be quiet!"rapped the don,his patience at an end."I am trying to deliver an important lecture."He began again:"There are fifty ways of..." Voice from the back:"Seventy-three!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Talking about rabbit`s,my mate used to have one,it was a talking rabbit.

Last summer,my mate asked me to look after his rabbit whilst he went on his jollies,

`What am I going to feed it on`? Says I. `Rabbit`ll tell you`.Says my mate.

Sure enough,I ask the rabbit what it wants and it tells me `cheese and onion toastie`

next day,same but with extra mushrooms,day after ham,day after that olives.

My mates rabbit got any topping it wanted.

My mates rabbit died the day my mate came back from holidays.

Devastated,my mate said `How could you let this happen`?

`I`m sorry my mate, I think it died from mixing my toasties.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy and Murphy are on an Italian cruise ship.
Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band."
Paddy says, "There isn't a band playing tonight."
Murphy says, "I definitley heard someone say "a band on ship."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

how do you get 4 giraffes in a mini cooper, easy 2 in the front and 2 in the back,now the question is how do you get 4 elephants in a mini cooper. ANSWER Easy take the giraffes out first.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man on holiday in the U.S.A. was amazed at the way his host,a hugh Texan,had everything so much larger than back home in England.
The car was as long as three English cars put together,the bedrooms were big enough to play a tennis match in,and the kitchen was so big it could cook enough to feed an army.
The Englishman was very impressed with all this Texan greatness,but after staying in his hosts gigantic house for about a week he began to drink even more than he normally did back in England.
One night, after getting particularly drunk,the Englishman fell into his host's swimming pool.When the servants rushed to rescue him they found him screaming:"Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"


There's nothing more restful as the sleep of the just except,perhaps,the sleep of the just after.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What goes in dry,and comes out wet and pleases two people? A tea bag.

What do you get if a cat swallows a ball of wool? Mittons.

What as got four legs and flies? A dead horse.

What are hippies for? To hang your leggies on.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man getting on in years,finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to the doctor who tries a few things,but nothing seems to work
Finally as a last hope,the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says,"I can cure this".With that said he throws a white powder into a flame,there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.Then he says,"this is powerful healing." But can only be used once a year. All you have to do is say "123,"and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks,What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?
The medicine man replies,"When your partner can take no more all she has to say is"1234" and then it will go down, but will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home,anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers,shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife,says "123"and suddenly he has the most gigantic rise ever,just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, What did you say"123 for?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day the lion woke up feeling better than he had ever done before.He felt so fit and healthy he could beat the world.So he rose proudly and went for a prowl in the jungle.Soon he came across a snake and the lion stopped.
"Who is the king of the jungle?"asked the lion.
"You of course,"replied the snake,and slithered away.
Next the lion came to a small pool where he found a crocodile.
"Who is king of the jungle?"
"Why, you are," replied the crocodile and slid off into the murky depths of the water.
This went on all morning,all the animals agreeing that the lion was the king of the jungle.Then he came across an elephant
"Who is the king of the jungle?"asked the lion.
In reply,the elephant picked up the lion with its trunk,hurled the lion around in the air and then bashed him against the ground and stamped on him.
"All right,all right,"groaned the batterd lion."There's no need to get angry just because you don't know the answer."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Hassan and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different parts of London
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects £2 or£3 ever day.
Hassan brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes.drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage free house and has lots of money.
Habib says to Hassan, "I work just as long as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?"
Hassan says "look at your sign,what does it say?"
Habib's sign reads:"I have no work,a wife and six kids to support.".
Hassan says, "no wonder you only get £2 -£3!
Haib says..."so what does your sign say?"
Hassan shows Habib his sign...

It reads:"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My wife and I walked past a swankey new restaurant last night."Did you smell that food?"she asked."Incredible!
Being the nice guy that I am,I thought "Blow it,I'll treat her
"So we walked past again.

What weighs two tons and wears a flower behind its ear?---A hippy potamus.

What is one of the main causes of sleepwalking?----Twin beds.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Tottenham Hotspurs are pleased to announce that their Reserve Team are now able to recommence playing fixtures following their recent spell of Jury Service

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Houston we got trouble.:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

a tourist is walking round brixham looking for the buchaneers arms inn and he spies a local sitting on the quayside wall and goes up to him and asks him,excuse me sir but where,s the buchaneers and he replies on my buchan head.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 nothing was moving
Suddenly,a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"what's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament,and they're asking for a £100 million ransom,otherwise,they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving,on average?"the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

If you sat in a bucket of glue would you have a sticky end?

Is playing tennis courting disaster----or is it a racket?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young monk arrives at a monastery.He is assigned to helping other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices however,that all the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbott to question this,pointing out that if someone even made a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up!
In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk,says,"We have been copying from the copys for centuries,but you make a good point my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbott,so,the young monk gets worried and goes down looking for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot,"Whats wrong,father?"
With a choking voice,the old abbott replies,
"The word was......celeb R ate!!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Cherie Blair's Chauffeur

Cherie Blair is touring the Mid-Wales countryside in a hired chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, and they hit it full on - the car comes to a screeching stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You'd better get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; so go and tell the bloody farmer,' snarls Cherie.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled but with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what's happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me in their barn. '

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Cherie.

'Well I just knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Handsome young man,from behind a screen:"I've taken all y clothes off, nurse.Where shall I put them?"
Young nurse"On top of mine."

Inscription on a nun's tombstone:"Returned--unopened."

Nelson was dying on board H.M.S.Victory.He looked up,sadly,and said:
"Kiss me,Hardy!"
Hardy looked down and muttered:"All these years on the same ship and now he asks me."

"Mummy,Mummy!I keep going round in circles."
"Shut up---or I'll nail your other leg to the floor."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

As the train thundered along,the man turned to the woman in the otherwise deserted compartment and said:'Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?'
'Certainly not!'retorted the woman.
The man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later,the man asked,'Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?'
'Yes,'replied the woman after a brief pause.
A few minutes later the man asked:'Would you let me kiss you for a pound?'
'Certainly not! exclaimed the woman.What kind of woman do you think I am?'
'We've already established that.Now we're just haggling over the price.'


Eggs are going up---- the hens have lost all sense of direction.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Some of TOMMY COOPERS one liners

Two blondes walk it to a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message....'if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key.'

A chap walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm shorts.The shrink says,'well,i can clearly see your nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...but couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy says to Mick,"Christmas is on a Friday this year"...Mick says"Lets hope it's not the 13th."
"Paddy and Mick find three grenades,so they take them to the police station.Mick:"What if one explodes before we get there?"Paddy:"We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
Mick shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?"asks the doctor."No",shouts Mick,"this is her husband."
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:"If they fell forwards,they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Joe says to Paddy:"Close your curtains the next time you make love to your wife.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."Paddy says:"Well the joke's on them the stupid idiots because I wasn't even home yesterday."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

More Tommy Cooper Jokes

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.Police say that he topped himself.

'Doc I can't stop singing'The Green Green Grass of Home
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

What do you call a fish with no eyes?a fsh.

Apparently,1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese,There are 5 people in my family,so it must be one of them.It's either my mum or my dad,or my older brother Colin,or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A country yokel and a professor were in a train,and as it was a long journey they eventually got to talking.
"Every time you miss a riddle you give me a pound,and every time I miss one I give you a pound" said the professor,when they had run out of the ususl things to talk about.
"Ah but you're better educated than me,so I'll give you 50p and you give me a quid,"suggested the yokel.
The professor agreed and the yokel made up the first riddle:"What hasthree legs walking and two legs flying?"
The professor didn't know,so he gave the yokel a pound.The yokel didn't know either,so he gave the professor 50p.

How do porcupines make love? Carefully...very carefully.

Policeman:'Anything you say may be held against you.'
Writer' Jane Asher.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Few More From Tommy Cooper

Two fat blokes in a pub,one says to the other 'Your round.'The other one says 'So are you ,you fat begger.

'You know,somebody actually complemented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen.It said,'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors,he said I've hurt my arm in several places The doctor said,'Well don't go there any more.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There was a major police operation at Ibrox, home of Glasgow Rangers after Saturdays defeat, somebody in the crowd through a pound coin onto the pitch, police are inquiring into the incident and its not sure if this coin was used as a missile or whether it was a take over bid

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A British diplomat in Moscow was attending a dinner party at the Kremlin,and much to his enjoyment he found himself seated next to a beautiful young woman.
During the course of the meal the diplomat dropped his hankerchief,and gently stroked the ankle of the young woman as he picked it up.But this brought no responce.
The diplomat soon dropped a fork,and gently patted the woman's knee when he picked up the fork,But the woman still remained silent.
As he dropped his knife to the floor,the diplomat noticed the young woman scribbling hastily on the back of a menu.She handed him what she had written and the diplomat was somewhat surprised to read:'When you reach your destination show no astonishment.Roger Barrington-Smythe,M.I.5.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Wife: "Darling what would you do if you came home from the office one day and found me in bed with another man?"
Husband:"Oh,I'd tell him to go away and beat him over the head with his white stick."

My wife and I never argue.She always goes her way and I always go hers.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

David was out all night with the glamorous hostess from a notorious Soho night club.When he returned home at five o'clock in the morning he tried to sneak into bed with his wife without waking her.But he was unsuccessful and she turned on the bedside light and watched her husband undress before putting on his pyjamas.
"Where is your underwear?" she demanded,when it was obvious that David had not been wearing any even before he had started to undress.
"My God!"cried David,in anguish."I've been robbed!"

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat and drink and be Mary.

If you need a shoulder to cry on pull off to the side of the road.

Definition of a teenager God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As you slide down the banister of life,may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A friend sent the following today after my telling her that I had a devoted crew who I coxed at Torpids in 1986 for Trinity in Oxford!

Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes.

Sex with your wife
Legal & General
Sex on the telephone
Direct Line

Sex with your Partner
Standard Life

Sex with someone different
Go Compare

Sex with a Fat bird
More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car
Sheila’s Wheels

Sex with a posh bird
Privileged

Sex with a transvestite
Confused.com

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It was during the Arab/Israeli troubles.The Egyptians were having some trouble with a sniper,so they sent out a party of ten men to deal with him.
A few days passed and there was no sign of the ten men who had been sent out,and yet the sniper was still firing away.The Egyptians decided to sent out a whole platoon to deal with the sniper.
The Egyptians all went marching out--but a few hours later only one of them came staggering back.'The rest are all dead,' he reported.'But it's a trick--a typical Jewish trick- there's two of them.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air,the wind would catch it for a few seconds,then it would come crashing back down to earth.I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said
"Make up your mind.Last night,you told me to go fly a kite."

"Jean,I think your husband dresses nattily."
"Natalie who?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The married couple arrived late one night at a hotel only to be told by the manager:"I"am sorry, but we're full up--but you can have the bridal suite."
"But we've been married for more than fifty years,"said the husband.
"So?"said the manager."I can let you have the ballroom but you don't have to dance."

A man jumped into a 482 mile long river in France in the early hours of this morning.He is said to be in seine.

The police are looking for a man with one eye.Typical inefficiency.

My wife is so jealous and suspicious that even her eyes watch each other.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A small zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla,a female became very difficult to handle.Upon examination,the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse,ther was no male gorilla available.Thinking about their problem,the zoo keeper thought of Geordie Elliott,a local lad and part time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.Geordie,like many Newcastle men,felt he had ample ability to satisfy any femal.The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution so Geordie was approached with a proporsition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Geordie showed some intrest,but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day,he announced that he would accept their offer,but only under four conditions: 1 "Forst",Geordie said "Nee kissin on the lips."The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.2 "Secund"he said.Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.3 "Thord"Geordie said,"Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle fans"Once again it was agreed.4"And last of all"Geordie stated,"You gotta givvus another week to come up with the £500."

As you will understand could not check for spelling.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Jim's wife was chatting to her friend about Jim's boss,who at the moment was regaling the party with details of his war experiences in Egypt.
"I believe he's great at doing impressions,"commented the friend
"Yes,"agreed Jim's wife."Right now his doing his impression of a river--small at the head and big at the mouth."

My wife is something of an actress.She spends the summer season swimming up and down Loch Ness.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Awoman threatened he husband with devorce if he continued to chase after other women.The husband begged forgiveness and solemnly swore not to pay any attention to women other than his wife.
He managed to keep his promise for a few months,but then his wife discovered him kissing a female midget.
"I"m terribly sorry,"apologized the man to his wife,"but you must admit that I'm tapering off a bit.

The sun scorched vampire was crawling through the desert,crying 'Blood!Blood!'

Where do you find mangoes? With womangoes

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It was the coldest day in Britian yesterday for the past twenty years.At Accrington
three mechanics were sitting in a garage,shivering,when they heard a knock at the door.On opening the door,the wind howled past them and they saw a shaking,shivering monkey who looked up and said:'Excuse me,do you do welding?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A small boy,absent from school for two days,returns.'Hello.Barry,'said the teacher.'Why have you been away from school?'
'Sorry,miss,my dad got burnt.'
'Oh! said the teacher,'nothing serious,I hope.'
'They don't mess about at the Crematorium,miss!'

The two red corpuscles-- they loved in vein.

What do you put on a pig with a sore nose?Oinkment.

What is the opposite of minimum? Minidad.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two young girls were talking in their office canteen when the subject,as usual,came round to discussing the men in their office.
"I wouldn't have anything to do with Graham Smith,if I were you,"said one of the girls.
"But why not?"asked her friend."He seems such a nice sort of man."
"Ah!But he knows an awful lot of very dirty songs."
"But surely he doesn't sing them in the office?"asked the friend."I"ve never heard him singing dirty songs."
"No,perhaps not--but he certainly whistles them!"

My father was very religious--he wouldn't work if there was a Sunday in the week.

Our family was so poor my sister was made in Hong Kong.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The body of a man was found today in Hyde Park. The body had been hacked into a thousand pieces and tied in a sack.Police do not yet know if it was suicide.

Wife by text to husband at work
"Windows at home frozen--what should I do?"
Husband--"spray some de-icer on them or pour some hot water on them."
Wife a few minutes later "Done that,now computer wont work at all."

I love kids,I used to go to school with them.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

THE TOILET SEAT

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

For three years Amy Clegg parrot had not said a single word,and eventually she became convinced it was simply a stupid parrot unable to learn to speak English.
Then one day as she was feeding it a piece of lettuce as a special treat,the parrot suddenly squawked:'There's a maggot on it,there's a maggot on it!'
Amy Clegg was astonished.'You can talk!' she exclaimed. 'But why haven't you spoken in all the three years that I've been keeping you?'
'Oh,'replied the parrot,'the food has been excellent up to now.'

A dumpling today was said to be in a bit of a stew.

The plan to wrap all meat pies in tin has been foiled.

A beautiful young typist kissed a Prince last night.He turned into a toad.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I answered the door today and a man stood there with a bouquet and said, "Flowers for your wife" I said, "Sounds like a good swap to me"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The vicar was explaining the difference between knowledge and faith to his congregation.
'In the front row,'he said,'we have Mr Heather with his wife and three children.Now,she knows they are her children-- that's knowledge.He believes they are his children that's faith.

On Tuesday a man fell into a tank of beer and came to a bitter end.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A vicar called Mark was closing the Church doors after an evening service when he heard a strange voice call:'Mark! Mark!'
He looked outside the Church,but could no one calling his name.Then he looked inside the Church,but although the voice still called 'Mark! Mark!' the poor clergyman could not find where the sounds were coming from.
Finally,he rushed to the alter,thinking it must be God calling him.But when he got there all he found was a dog with a hare lip.

Lecturer to rowdy audience: 'I will not begin until this room settles down.'
Student: 'Go home and sleep it off!'

The Scotsman who broke in next door to gas himself.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A middle-aged woman clambered on to a London bus with three sets of twins trailing behind her.When they were all seated in the bus,the conductor asked her:'Do you always get twins?'
'Oh,no!' replied the woman.'Hundreds of times we don't get anything.'

The only reason there is a population explosion is because it is such great fun to light the fuse.

My wife frequently goes for a tramp in the woods--fortunately for him, he always manages to get away.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

While travelling in a sleeping compartment in a train,the man on the top bunk was woken up by someone tapping from below.'Hello?'he said.
'Are you awake?'asked a female voice from below.
'Yes.'
'It's terribly cold down here.I wonder if you would mind letting me have an extra blanket.'
'I've got a better idea,' replied the man. 'Lets pretend we are married.'
'That's a lovely idea!' giggled the woman.
'Right,' said the man,now get your own damn blanket!'

'Excuse me,madam,we are doing a survey.Can you tell me what you think of sex on the television?'
'Very uncomfortable.'

The wages of sin are high--unless you know someone who'll do it for free.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

During a conversation with a kindly old priest,the young man asked: 'Is it really such a sin to sleep with a girl?'
'Oh no,' replied the priest, 'but you young men don't sleep.'

'Hello! Is that the Salvation Army?'
'Yes,it is.'
'Is it true that you save fallen girls?'
'Yes.'
'Then will you save one for me for Thursday night?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple
was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly
get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,
what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven"

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering;
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, come ON!!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me three months just to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer???"





]

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bernard was on holiday abroad and decided to visit the local bazaar.
'Want to buy a genuine skull of Moses?'asked a stall holder.
'Not really,'replied Bernard.'It's much too expensive.'
'What about this skull,'said the stall-owner,producing another skull.This is much cheaper,because it's smaller the skull of Moses as a child.'

If a broad bean is a double-decker bus and a runner bean is a single-decker bus-then what is a pea? A relief.

How do you tell the sex of a hormone?Take its genes off.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Today all the young girls are out all night sowing their wild oats--and in the morning you can find them praying for a crop failure.

A gamekeeper was walking across a clearing when he saw a nude young woman walking towards him.
'Are you game?'he asked.
'Yes,'she replied.
so he shot her.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

In the east end of London people learn about life very quickly.
Two boys were playing in the street when they saw a friend peering through a window into a house.
'Quick!'he said 'There's a man and woman fighting in bed.'
One of the other boys,aged about six,looked and said:'They're not fighting--they're making love.'
The third little boy had a look ,too,and said:'Yes-and badly.'

'Darling, what do you think of the Middle East position?'
'I don't know, I've never tried it.'

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The young girl arrived home late from an evening out with her boyfriend.as she stomped into her flat and slammed the door her flatmate came out of her bedroom to see what all the noise was about.
'Oh!'exclaimed the girl.'Berkeley is the limit! I had to slap his face several times this evening!'
'Why,what did he do?' asked the flatmate eagerly.
'Nothing,unfortunately,' muttered the pretty young girl.
'I had to slap his face to see if he was awake.'

I don't smoke,don't drink and don't make passes at my girlfriend---I make my own dresses too!

I was an unwanted child---my mother wanted puppies.

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The lady was having an argument with her maid. Before leaving the room the maid decided to say exactly what she thought.
'You might like to know,'she said,'that your husband told me only last week that I am a far better housekeeper and cook than you are.He also said I was much better looking!'
The lady remained silent.
'And that's not all,'continued the maid, 'I'm far better than you in bed.'
'I suppose my husband told you that as well!'snapped the lady.
'No,'replied the maid,'the gardener did.'

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Young man turning to the young girl seated next to him:'You know, Joan,' he said,'your parents have invited me over for dinner so often I'm beginning to feel sort of obligated.Will you marry me?'

'If I refuse to go to bed with you, will you really commit suicide?'
'That has been my usual procedure, yes.'

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?----A nervous wreck.

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SCRABBLE

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human
body which is even more useful when erect.

P S N E I

scroll down





















The two people who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest of you are friends...

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A business executive had to make a speech at an important meeting attended by his business associates.He couldn't think of anything interesting to talk about,so in the end he decided to talk about sex.
When he arrived home is wife asked him how his speech had gone.He replied that it had been a huge success.
'But what did you talk about?'
The man thought for a few seconds,then replied: 'Oh,sailing.'
The following week one of the mans business colleagues approached the mans wife at a cocktail party and commented:'That was a marvellous speech your husband made last week.'
'I know,'replied the wife.'It's amazing.He's only tried it twice.The first time his hat blew off and the second time he was seasick.'

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The tax inspector received an income tax return from a bachelor executive claiming a dependent son.He thought this was rather odd,so he sent back the form with a note stating:this must be a typist's error.'
Back came the form from the executive,together with a pencilled marginal comment next to the inspector's saying:'Your telling me.'


'Now,what have we got to do before we can get forgiveness of sin?' 'Sin.'

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One of Henry's best friends had died,so he shortly after the funeral he called on the widow in order to express his sympathy.
'John and I were very good friends,' he said.'Is there something I could have as a small memento of him?'
The widow raised he tear stained eyes and looked at Henry.'How would I do?'she asked,hopefully.

'He loves you terribly.'
'I keep telling him that.'

There's nothing like a mink coat to thaw a cold shoulder.

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'Roll up! Roll up! Buy this miraculous cure for old age and colds.Rigor mortis can be cured! Roll up! Roll up!' called the fairground quack doctor.
He soon collected a large crowd around his stall,and the quack went on to proclaim the merits of his products.'this miraculous mixture actually cures old age.You have only to look at me to see the proof of its power.I am over two hundred and fifty years old.'
One astonished man in the crowd turned to the quack's beautiful young assistant and said:'Say,Miss, is what the gentleman says really true?Is he really over two hundred and fifty years old?'
'I'm afraid I can't really say,' replied the quack's assistant.'I've only been working for him for the past ninety three years.'

The only difference between rape and seduction is patience.

I met Claudia Hott-Iron yesterday-- she made a great impression on me.

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James,take off my dress.Now my bra,and now my panties.....and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again I'll smash your stupid face in.

The man kissed the girl passionately.
Girl: 'I thought a quick one before dinner ment a drink.'

He used to go out with a girl called Ruth. Then she left him,so he became ruthless.

When asked for a donation to the local orphanage a Scotsman sent two orphans.

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Artist:'You know, you're the first model I've ever made love to.'
Nude model:'I don't believe you.I bet you say that to all the models you've painted.How many have you had?'
Artist:'Well there was a bowl of fruit,a dog,the watermill.....'

Anna Stetic--the nurse who was a real knockout.

An inflatable rubber lilo collapsed and died today at its South Harrow Home.

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A further two girls are to be admitted to Prankton College--the former all male school.The first two girls sent to the school in 1982 are said to be somewhat exhausted and so need replacements.They were not replaced sooner because the boys have only just discovered that the two girls were slightly different from boys-they tired more quickly when playing rugby.

Man:'That wife of mine is a liar!'
Friend:'How do you know?'
Man:'Because she said she spent the night with Claire.'
Friend:'So?'
Man:'I spent the night with Claire.'

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A little boy and a little girl were walking home from school.

'Guess what I found behind the radiator in our class?' asked the little boy.

'What?'inquired the little girl.
'I found a contraceptive behind the radiator.'
'What's a radiator?'

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Pupil:'Can I have a cigarette?'
Teacher:'Good heavens! No,certainly not! Do you want to get me into trouble?'
Pupil:'Well all right then,Miss.But I'd rather have a cigarette

Why does a giraffe have such a log neck? Because it can't stand the smell of its feet.

What is sticky and used to sing?-------- Gluey Armstrong.

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The mother of one of the servants came storming into the lord's manor,demanding to see the lord.
'What is it you want?'asked the lord,when the angry woman was brought before him.
'It's about my daughter Jenny--she works here,'said the woman.'You've got her pregnant!'
'Don't worry,'replied the lord.'If she really is pregnant then I'll give you ten thousand pounds-and when the little one comes along I'll set up a trust fund for thirty thousand pounds.Does that seem fair?'
'You're very kind,'agreed the woman,but if it doesn't happen--will you give her another chance?'

'What is fire?'
'That is a burning question.'

Policeman:'Anything you say may be taken down...'
Man: 'Knickers!'

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A shipwrecked sailor had been drifting about on a raft for weeks,when one day he suddenly sighted land.As he came closer to the shore he saw a group of people on the beach building a gallows.
'Thank God!' cried the shipwrecked sailor.'A Christian country!'

What is it when a jester carries a nun? Virgin on the ridiculous.

How do you stop moles digging in the garden? Hide all the shovels.

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A scotsman was travelling across the Forth Bridge when he was asked for his ticket.After searching himself without success he told the ticket inspector he must have lost hi ticket.
The inspector did not believe this.so he questioned the Scotsman further,but the scot insisted on sticking to his story.
Eventually,the inspector lost his temper and threw the Scot's large suitcase over the bridge.
'Hoots, mon! complained the Scot.'First ye try to make me pay twice.and then ya droon ma wee boy!'

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Two nuns were cycling through some woods when a man jumped out and raped them.
'Oh!'said the first nun.'How are we ever going to explain to Mother Superior that we've been raped twice.'
'But we've only been raped once,'said the second nun.
'I know,'replied the first,'but aren't we going back that way?'

A man walked through the streets of Accrington today wearing only a newspaper. He said he liked to dress with --- The Times.

It was the old missionary in Africa who gave the tribe of cannibals their first taste of Christianity.

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Pretty young nurse:'Doctor,every time I take this young mans pulse it gets much faster.Should I give him a sedative or something?'
Doctor:'No. Just give him a blindfold.'

A man was trapped on the roof of a blazing block of flats this evening.He escaped by taking all his clothes off,looking at the astonished audience below, and walking down the stares.

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When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept some animals in the yard at the back of the house.
The first day I was there,one of the chickens died,so we had chicken soup.
The next day,the pig died,so I was offered pork chops.
The following day,the duck died,so we had roast duck with apple sauce.
The next day my landlady's husband died---so I left.

Receptionist:The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient:'I hope not---I only came for a check up.'

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Late last night a large hole was made in the walls surrounding Sunnyview Nudist Camp at Bigglehampton. Police are looking into it.

A Scotsman was fined for indecent conduct at Edinburgh on Friday.According to witnesses the man had continually wiped the perspiration off his forehead with his kilt.

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A lady dropped her handbag over the edge of a railway platform this morning.The porters refused to retrieve the handbag as they considered it beneath their station.

Worried woman:'Doctor,I'm worried about having a baby.'
Doctor:'But I gave you the pill.'
Worried woman:'Yes,I know.but it keeps falling out.'

'Doctor.doctor! I've just swallowed a spoon.'
'Sit down and don't stir.'

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Two Newfies (Newfoundlanders) went out fishing in a hired boat. They had great luck. One Newfie says to the other, "Boye, we should mark this spot." The other Newfie says, "Aye ... we'll paint us a cross on the bottom of the boat." "That won't do it," replies the first Newf; "How do you know they are going to rent us the same boat next time"?

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A very sporting country gentleman who put a silencer on his shotgun because he wanted his daughter to have a quite wedding.

Man:'Where's your dog?'
Friend:'I've had it put down.'
Man:'Was it mad?'
Friend:'Well,it wasn't exactly pleased.'

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Levi went to the Jewish burial ground and asked the rabbi if he could bury a cat.The rabbi was horrified.'You a good Jew,want to bury a cat in the graveyard,'he said.'Certainly not.'
'Then I can't give you the ten thousand pounds it left the synagogue in its will,'replied Levi sadly.
'Oh!'said the rabbi.'Why didn't you say it was a Jewish cat.'

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Modern technology is wonderful!In the bad old days we always used to burn the toast every breakfast time--now we can buy the latest automatic toaster and the burnt toast pops up automatically.

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The rather conceited politician was giving his usual long,boring speech--when one of his suffering audience could stand it no longer.
As a bullet whistled past the speaker's ear,the conceited speaker said:'I see my speech is so moving that a man in the front row was moved to commit suicide.Unfortunately,he needs an optician as the bullet just missed my ear.'

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A few of Frank Carson's

The Grim Reaper came for me last night,and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours later and they were still walking about with it.I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday.so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this,I thought,I can get one cheaper off the web

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

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More from Frank Carson.

I start a new job in Seoul next week,I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning,can you believe that,2.30am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says Nick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.' Sod that says Mick 'have you seen how many of their owners go blind?'

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Yet More from Frank.

Man calls 999 and says I think my wife is dead' The operator says how do you know? He says 'The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!'

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor--she only had £1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

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It's the way I tell em.

The wife as been missing a week now.Police said to prepare for the worst.So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Just got back from my mate's funeral.He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.It was a lovely service.

Local police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter',who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours,believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,so I pushed her over.

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Man:'My wife and I had a short row on Friday night.She wanted to go to the opera and I wanted to go to the theatre-but we soon came to an agreement.'
Friend:'And what was the opera like.'

What do you get if you cross a mouse with an elephant? Giant holes in the skirting board.

A ma swallowed a dud coin late last night.He is expected to be charged with passing counterfeit money later today.

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Brian's mother and father had told him about the facts of life,but when it came to telling their younger son,only seven years old,they were too embarrassed.
'Brian,will you tell John about the birds and the bees?' pleaded Brian's father.
Brian agreed and that night Brian asked John:'Do you know what mum and dad do at night in bed?'
'Of course I know,'replied John.
'Well said Brian,'it's the same with the birds and bees.'

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'Mummy, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.'
'That's nice of her to take such an interest,dear.What did she say when you told her you are an only child?'
'She just said:"Thank goodness!"'

Young man:'Sir, your daughter was struggling in the sea so I pulled her out and resuscitated her.'
Retired colonel:'Then,by George,you'll marry her!'

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It was announced today that British rail are to place boards over the bottom of the lavatory doors at Waterloo Station. Spokesman said this was to prevent limbo dancers from getting in free.

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The philosophical goldfish swam around in his bowl,then stopped for a few seconds and turned to his companion and asked: 'Do you believe in the existance of God?'
'Yes,'replied the second goldfish.'Who else do you supose changes our water?'

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'How did you get that puncture?'
'Ran over a milk bottle.'
'But why didn't you see it?'
'Because a stupid kid had it under his coat.'

Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you?'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no,he's fully qualified.'

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It was the annual meeting of the international brotherhood of space scientists in 1997.
'We are preparing to send a rocket to Pluto,' announced the Americans proudly. 'It will have six men aboard and will stay on Pluto for a whole month before making the long trip back to Earth.'
'That's nothing!' scoffed the Russians. 'We are almost ready to launch our spaceship containing two hundred men and women to start the first colony on Uranus.'
'Our country can beat you both,'said the Irish scientist.'We are going to send a rocket straight to the sun.'
'Don't be silly,'said the American and Russian scientists,'the rocket will melt before it gets there.'
'No it won't,' replied the Irish scientist.'We're sending it up at night.'

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When it is very stormy and pouring with rain owls are not very keen to go romancing.All they do is sit in trees looking very dejected--hence their: 'Too wet to woo;too wet to woo.'

My father was very kind.When it was cold he used to throw an electric fire into my bath.

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I learned to swim at a very early age. When I was three my parents used to row me out to sea in a little boat until they got about a mile or so away from the shore--then I had to swim back.I quite liked the swim-it was getting out of the sack that was difficult.

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'So! caught you at last,' hissed the gamekeeper,emerging from the bushes behind a poacher.
'What do you mean?'asked the poacher.
'I saw you hastily throw that plucked duck back into the river as soon as you saw me.Look,there it is-still floating on the surface.And how do you explain all its feathers on your clothes?'
'Simple! The duck wanted to go for a swim so I'm minding its clothes.'

It has recently been discovered that Wales is sinking into the sea-due to the many leeks in the ground.

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Mrs Green had a truly remarkable parrot and when the vicar came to tea one afternoon she could not resist demonstrating to him how clever her pet was.
'If you pull this little string on its left leg Polly will sing "Abide With me", said Mrs Green proudly.'And if you pull the string on its right leg it will sing "Onward Cristian Soldiers".'
'How remarkable!' exclamied the vicar.'And what happens if you pull both strings at once?'
'Simple!' replied the parrot. 'I fall off my perch,you stupid old twit.'

What is brown and sounds like a bell?----Dung!

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'Darling,I want to make love before we get married,'said the girl,snuggling up to her boyfriend.
'But it won't be long until, July,dear,'he replied.
'Oh!she exclamied enthusiastically,'and how long will it be then?'

What is soft,sings,and cleans windows?Shammy Davis Jnr.

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A teacher warned her pupils to wrap up warm against the cold winter,and to show how important this was she told them of the true story of her little brother who took his sledge out one day. Unfortunately,her brother had not been wrapped up properly and he caught pneumonia and died a few days later.
There was silence in the classroom for a few moments,then a small voice at the back said:'Please Miss,what happened to his sledge?'

Then there was the sadist who thought his wife looked horrible in stripes--so he stopped whipping her.

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Bell invented the telephone,but he found it was useless until he invented the second telephone.This was fine,until he invented the third telephone, phoned the second,and found it engaged.

Student doctor:Please sir,there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous sergeon:'Ah,yes! That's a footnote.

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Timothy desperately wanted to be a famous actor and always believed in trying to 'live' any parts he was asked to play.When he was invited to audition for the part of Abraham Lincoln in a new play. Timothy read all about Lincoln.He researched Lincoln's background for weeks and then dressed to look exactly like him--black hat,black cloak,red sash and large black boots.After admiring himself in a mirror he set off for the audition.He didn't get the part--but on the way home he was assassinated.

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The very expensive racehorse continually lost races which everyone had expected it to win.
'Perhaps what it needs is a bit more encouragement,'suggested the horse's owner.
So the jockey warned the horse just before the start of a major race that if it lost the race it would be the end of its racing days and the horse would have to find work elsewhere--probably on a milk round in the country.
The horse nodded at the jockey to indicate that it understood this threat,and soon the race began.
Unfortunately,this horse was soon trailing behind all the others and as the jockey urged it forward with his whip the horse turned its head and said: 'Steady on, sir.I've got to be up early in the morning.'

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'I heard you were moving your piano so I came to help.'
'Thanks,but I got it upstairs already.'
'Did you do it alone?'
'No I hitched the cat to it.'
'How on earth could a small cat haul a grand piano up three flights of stairs?'
'Used a whip.'

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'Is that the police station?'asked a panic stricken voice on the phone to the police headquarters.
'Yes this is the police station,'replied the officer on duty.
'Oh,thank goodness! I want to report a burglar trapped in an old lady's bedroom.Please come quickly!'
'Who is that calling?'asked the policeman.
'The burglar,'replied a voice on the phone.