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DtheP47 27-02-2013 19:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A store customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish Sausage?"
The check out girl asks, "Are you Irish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"




The girl says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The girl replied, "Because you're in Halfords." ;)

talentedbutslow 01-03-2013 07:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards,forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.







She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the


small of her back, she was getting near to the end.








Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.





Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.










"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the flamin’ car! You do it...YOU SMUG BASTARD !"

dotti34 02-03-2013 20:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 



The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 



Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 



A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 



There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 



Women blink twice as often as men. 



The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.



Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women
 will be finished reading this by now.

Men
 are still busy checking their thumbs.


david1 12-03-2013 17:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
What do you buy a man that has two left feet ?

A pair of flip flips .

Retlaw 22-03-2013 14:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A mate of mine had his left side completely cut off. He’s alright now!

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in conversation.

I know a policewoman who carries a taser, boy is she a stunner!

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.

The butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

There was a huge fire at the circus, the heat was in tents.

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

DtheP47 26-03-2013 07:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."


Vet: "Is it a Tom?"




Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

Sunflower49 26-03-2013 10:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DtheP47 (Post 1049086)
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."


Vet: "Is it a Tom?"




Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

I actually really like that one! Not heard it before.:)


Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.


2 blondes were taking a test.
Blonde 1. 'What did Old MacDonald have?'
Blonde 2. (After a bit of a think) 'A farm'.
Blonde 1. (Also after a bit of a think) 'How do you spell that?'
Blonde 2. (After an even longer think) 'E-I-E-I-O'


A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walked into a pub, and the landlord says "Is this some kind of Joke?"

A skeleton walks into a pub, the landlord ask's him what he would like, to which he replies "A pint of lager and a mop"


What do you call a fly with no wings ?

A Walk.


Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A: A Fsh.


Man walks into the doctors and says "doctor I think I'm a moth", the doctor replies "you should really see a psychiatrist about your problem", to which the man says "well I was on my way there when I saw your light on".


Okay that's enough! :)

DtheP47 26-03-2013 10:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarmouse0707 (Post 1049116)
I actually really like that one! Not heard it before.:)

Okay that's enough! :)

Here's another "yarksheer one"
Though it could be cashy...;)


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet,

he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to


remember the dog by.






Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"


Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft sod, I want it chewin' a bone!"

gpick24 26-03-2013 10:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Scouse kid says to her mother: "Mam, why are your hands so soft?" Mother says: "coz am only 12!"

gpick24 27-03-2013 10:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

DaveinGermany 27-03-2013 11:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by gpick24 (Post 1049121)
Scouse kid says to her mother: "Mam, why are your hands so soft?" Mother says: "coz am only 12!"

Typical that ! Go on, pick on the Scousers ! I don't know, you Woollies have got some proper neck ! :D

gpick24 27-03-2013 12:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany (Post 1049273)
Typical that ! Go on, pick on the Scousers ! I don't know, you Woollies have got some proper neck ! :D

HaHa, haven`t been called a woolieback for years.:)

gpick24 27-03-2013 12:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

DaveinGermany 27-03-2013 12:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by gpick24 (Post 1049284)
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

Yeah, yeah, stereotypical typecasting ! (Plus I've heard it before, just waiting for the one about Jesus in the bar getting Pints & shaking hands, no doubt someone will have a dig.) :D

gpick24 27-03-2013 12:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany (Post 1049287)
Yeah, yeah, stereotypical typecasting ! (Plus I've heard it before, just waiting for the one about Jesus in the bar getting Pints & shaking hands, no doubt someone will have a dig.) :D

Oldie but goldie as they say.

gpick24 27-03-2013 12:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Lancashireman's wife dies and the widower decides that as a dedicated churchgoer her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: " 'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".

DtheP47 02-04-2013 08:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2010. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle/Nailbar Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2013, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2013, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

gpick24 02-04-2013 21:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DtheP47 (Post 1050563)
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2010. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle/Nailbar Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2013, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2013, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

You also need to watch out for the K.I.D.S virus, a serious resource hog.:D

flashman 09-04-2013 15:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried.


However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day,Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.


Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail! cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well, Russ said, 'you know Sue,that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'


'Yeah, said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?


'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court ,I pled 'guilty.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

DtheP47 10-04-2013 13:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Just got back from a mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

Sunflower49 10-04-2013 17:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A woman in labour with twins had a difficult time and fell into a coma. When she awoke some weeks later, the first thing she said to the doctor was "Please tell me my babies are okay!?!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, your babies are fine, you're the mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. The only thing is, you've been in a coma so long we had to have the babies named.Your brother has done this for you".

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's an IDIOT!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your baby girl Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew".

hassy rvr 10-04-2013 17:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatchers funeral..although "Wake up Maggie" may not be everyone,s favourite....

flashman 11-04-2013 00:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day,

Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail! cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well, Russ said, 'you know Sue,that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah, said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court ,I pled 'guilty.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

hassy rvr 11-04-2013 14:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
My mate says every morning when he measures his allotment it,s a couple of inches smaller than the day before. I think he,s slowly losing the plot!!

DtheP47 11-04-2013 20:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
RIP Sir Robert Edwards pioneer of IVF. He leaves his wife Ruth, 5 daughters, 12 grandchildren, his first success Louise Brown and about 15 million yucky test tubes.

DtheP47 19-04-2013 19:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up to the kerb beside him and the window was wound down.

'I'll give you a bag of midget gems if you get in the car', said the male driver.

'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.

How about a bag of saspirillas and £10?' asked the driver

'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.

'What about a bag of humbugs and FIFTY QUID, eh?' quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

'No, I'm not getting in your car!' answered the boy

'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.

'NO,' screamed the boy.

'What will it take to get you into the car?' asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied,

.

.

.

.

.

'Listen Dad, you bought the flipping Skoda, you live with it.'

butlins boy 19-04-2013 23:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
when margaret thatcher died,i did a big yipee and then punched the air,people were disgusted at me,dont blame them really but i was the first paramedic on the scene.

butlins boy 19-04-2013 23:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
whats the difference between arthur scargill and jimmy saville,nothing really,they both liked being with miners

butlins boy 19-04-2013 23:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
i was in the bath one day and my young son came in as i was getting dry and said whilst pointing down between my legs, dad why is the hair on your head white and your hair down there all dark,i said son,i ain't got no worries down there.

DtheP47 20-04-2013 09:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart".

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.

talentedbutslow 20-04-2013 13:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what public reaction was like.

The first morning she was sworn at, punched, kicked up the arse and received death threats.

God only knows what'll happen when she leaves the house !!!

talentedbutslow 20-04-2013 13:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
OOPS.......wonder if that was racist........

DaveinGermany 20-04-2013 13:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by talentedbutslow (Post 1054417)
OOPS.......wonder if that was racist........

Only to those who want it to be. ;)

Eric 20-04-2013 22:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A voung ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his ususal run of stupid blonde jokes when a large blonde woman stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attriburtes have to do with her worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. She continues, "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and of reaching my full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all this in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interjects. "You stay out of this mister; I'm talking to that little sonofabitch on your knee."

flashman 21-04-2013 00:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed
because of a weight problem.

As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "'I am so ashamed,
Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, now
say, "Moo."


Eric 21-04-2013 18:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then takes some sliced limes and eats them too. Then he jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartenders screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table." "Doesn't surprize me says the patron. He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and the other stuff." He pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's back in the bar again with his monkey. While he is drinking, the monkey picks up a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?", asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Doesn't surprize me," says the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first."

Eric 22-04-2013 17:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
On a transatlantic flight a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

The passengers stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his body. The woman gasps. He throws his shirt at her and says, "Here, iron this, and get me something to eat."

Retlaw 23-04-2013 18:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out:
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the radio-aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona with it until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:
"Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona, more than a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred - let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires -
eventually admits, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so. Because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the
worst case of van aerial disease that I have ever seen.

gpick24 24-04-2013 21:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A little boy says to his mother "mum, when I grow up I want to be like Roy Keane".
She replies, "you`ll have to pick one, you can`t do both".

Retlaw 26-04-2013 11:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I asked my wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I would take half and leave!", She said.

"Excellent!", I said. "I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now **** off "


DtheP47 26-04-2013 13:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I phoned our local ramblers club today, and this woman just went on and on.

DtheP47 28-04-2013 19:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The head of the Coppice hedgehogs went to see Wizz the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Spikey", said the Top Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devlish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Wizz, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short distance with the rabbit to the A56, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehog's delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Spikey was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at the head honcho rabbit...who said,

"Flippimg heck, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

DtheP47 30-04-2013 08:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I've just seen this bloke with a didgeridoo down on Broadway and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

Retlaw 30-04-2013 22:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10-pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee upon hearing the sound of the commotion, looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Upon reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly, tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'”No”, the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue..”


DtheP47 08-05-2013 22:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
1 Attachment(s)
Topical eh? ;)

flashman 17-05-2013 15:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs,
pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you
ladies into all
kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear
but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...
Just stick out your tongue!"


#yiv1863770953 .yiv1863770953hmmessage p ** padding-bottom: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px**#yiv1863770953 body.yiv1863770953hmmessage ** font-family: calibri; font-size: 12pt**

Retlaw 21-05-2013 15:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
THIS IS AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD...
FROM THE " SAVANNAH TRIBUNE"
NEWSPAPER PLACED IN DECEMBER 2009........

This is too funny not to pass on....enjoy

To the Guy Who Tried To Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded, I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you , but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not
be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

DtheP47 22-05-2013 11:27

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man asked the ringmaster “What do you have to do to be a lion-tamer? He said “All you have to do is get into the cage with that big ferocious lion and if the lion takes a pace forward, just take a pace back. If the lion takes another pace forward, just take another pace back. If you are at the back of the cage and the big ferocious lion takes a pace forward just bend down and pick up some manure and throw it in the lion’s face.” The man said “What if there’s no manure” The ringmaster said “Don’t you worry there will be”

dotti34 27-05-2013 21:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Retlaw 27-05-2013 21:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Veet for Men
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

Eric 29-05-2013 12:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy phones his lawyer's office, and the lawyer's secretary informs him: "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day he phones again, and again asks for his lawyer only to receive the same reply. And on the following day he phones again. This time the secretary, getting a little p. o'd, says, "Sir, I told you twice already that your lawyer died last week." Guy replies, "I know that; I just like hearing it."

dotti34 31-05-2013 07:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

dotti34 01-06-2013 02:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough."

Eric 09-06-2013 15:54

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A woman agreed to dog sit her neighbour's male German Shepherd dog even though her own dog was in heat. She reasoned that in a house as large as hers, and with a securely fenced yard she could keep the two apart. Mistake. During the night she awoke to discover that the two lovers had got together ... in fact they were stuck together. She could do nothing to untangle them; so, she phoned her vet. The vet, grumpy, tired and more that a little angry at being called at 3:00 am, suggested that she hang up her phone, the place the phone near the dogs. The vet said that he would phone back, and that the sound of the phone ringing would cause the male dog to lose his errection and the dogs would part. "Are you sure this would work," asked the woman? "It just worked for me" the vet responded.

dotti34 12-06-2013 21:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

flashman 27-06-2013 13:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son,
14-year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the
local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba
introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his
indoctrination to sex." The madam says, "Bubba, you've been such a good
customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."


So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she
completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the
madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you
get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a
manicure, too."


Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam
on the town's main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the
madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes,
ma'am," the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and
then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."



Geoff 07-07-2013 18:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man rang the emergency services and said that he thought his wife was dead. The operator ask him what made him think she was dead. He replied that the sex was the same but the ironing was piling up.

flashman 12-07-2013 17:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Geoff 12-07-2013 18:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An eighty four year old lady was so distraught at losing her husband that she wanted to die. So holding a revolver to her breast she pulled the trigger. Later that same evening she was admitted to the accident and emergency department with gunshot wounds to her knee.

DtheP47 14-08-2013 07:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I was walking through Mercer Park, Clayton really late last night when I heard the playing of phantom pan pipes.

I think it was "ghost buskers"

DtheP47 21-08-2013 11:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Jewish Wisdom ....


There was once a wise Jewish man . He said that the essence of all wisdom is what you have in your head !
His name was Solomon .

Then came another wise Jewish man . He said that the essence of all is what you have in your heart !!
His name was Jesus .

Then came a third wise Jewish man . He said that the essence of all is what you have in your stomach !!!
His name was Marx .

After him , came a fourth wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all is what you have between your legs !!!!
His name was Freud .

Then came another wise Jewish man - wiser than all before - called Einstein
He said everything is relative !!!!!

dotti34 01-09-2013 09:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

flashman 05-09-2013 23:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man and woman bump into each other at a bar. The man asks, "what's your name"? The woman replies "Carmen - I'm named after two of my favorite things, cars and men".

The woman asks the guy, "what's your name"? He replies "Golfbeer".

flashman 06-09-2013 00:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three Hillbillies are sittin on a porch shootin' the breeze....

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'


gpick24 09-09-2013 23:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Did you hear about the constipated maths teacher, he worked it out with a pencil.

dotti34 26-09-2013 21:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ....
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

dotti34 26-09-2013 21:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why seniors still need newspapers

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers.”
“Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this...
That fly never knew what hit him.

flashman 27-09-2013 14:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs?


The father answers: Paradise, my son.



The kid asks again: What’s between your legs?



The father replies: The key to the paradise.



The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.

DAV007 27-09-2013 20:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I've been working on a Scandinavian joke, but it isn't quite finish...

dotti34 30-09-2013 21:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
You know you're getting old when your bank sends you their free calendar one month at a time....

dotti34 30-09-2013 21:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Old is when you're napping but everyone's worried you're dead.....

dotti34 30-09-2013 21:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Age is important but only if you're a cheese.....

dotti34 30-09-2013 21:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I called the incontinence hotline - they asked 'Can you hold please'

dotti34 30-09-2013 23:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. 


The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks 'So,Murphy, how was your day?' 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol’.
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy. 

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man !"
'Tunderin' Lard, Murphy, my boy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
‘I put drops in her eyes!'

Aussie Irene 05-10-2013 00:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A ROMANTIC STORY>

'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking towards me....

My heart was beating fast, and the ecitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

" Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".

Mick 06-10-2013 07:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
1 Attachment(s)
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Aussie Irene 15-10-2013 11:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
THE ESTATE.

Morris Swartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, daughter,
and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them.

"Bernie, i want you to take the Beverley Hills houses"

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza".

"Hymie, i want you to take over the offices in the city centre".

" Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings down town"

The nurse is blown away with all this, and as Morris slips away, says to his wife, " Mrs Swartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to accumulate all this property".

Sarah replies " property my ass... the schmuck had a milk round".

Alan Varrechia 21-10-2013 22:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Mancunian and a Scouser go into Greggs the baker's. The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Mancunian, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The Mancunian says, "That's **** all mate, watch this."

So the Mancunian goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
...
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"

The Mancunian says, "Go and check that scouser's pocket."

Eric 22-10-2013 00:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
David Cameron walks into a bar with a toad on his head .... "OMG," says the bartender, "What happened?"

"I've no idea," replied the toad. "It started out as a wart on my ass."

Retlaw 23-10-2013 22:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Spotted this on Face Book. Who did he miss out.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.n...28991127_n.jpg

Alan Varrechia 25-10-2013 19:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
My neighbour just banged on my door and shouted "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident down the road and David Cameron has been run over. He is in a terrible state and he won't make it unless help gets here soon."

I said "Whats wrong with your own phone?"

He said "The cameras **** on mine."

dotti34 26-10-2013 02:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If you love something set it free. If it comes back it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back it was never yours to begin with. BUT, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free….you either married it or gave birth to it.

dotti34 26-10-2013 02:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

dotti34 26-10-2013 02:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW Golf!! 
Doing 110kph

with her face up next to her 
rear-view mirror, 

putting on her eyeliner! 

I looked away 
for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was 
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup. 


As a man, 
I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped
my electric shaver, 
which knocked 
the meat pie
out of my other hand. 

In all the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone

away from my ear, and then this fell into the coffee 
between my legs, which splashed 

and burned 

"Big Jim and the Twins",

ruined the phone, 

soaked my trousers, and disconnected an

important call. 



BLOODY Women Drivers!!

dotti34 29-10-2013 03:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A few Irish jokes – with apologies to the Irish.

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband.

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.



Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

dotti34 29-10-2013 03:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years. Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is."

Hill Walker 31-10-2013 16:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
(From elsewhere on the net - but worth another airing)

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has b...ecome wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

Mick 04-11-2013 08:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
1 Attachment(s)
Here is one for all you fitness fanatics:D

dotti34 05-11-2013 06:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Irish Humor.....

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. 

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter side down. 


He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. 

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. 

He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.



He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. 

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here.. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.” 
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.” 

 “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”



An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin .
The final ruling is negative, however, it read:


“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any miraculous happening, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle, for it possibly resulted from Murphy having buttered the toast on the wrong side”

dotti34 05-11-2013 08:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Wisdom I am happy to pass on…….Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you all because it definitely worked for me today, and I know we could all probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and haven’t yet finished.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu freel ar in ned ov inanrr piussss. An telum,u blody luvum.!!
Hav a lubly day oK

Gordon Booth 16-11-2013 16:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
When I was a lad, mum would send me to the sellin owt shop with five shillings.
I'd come back with a bag of potatoes, two loaves, two bottles of milk, six eggs, twenty Woodbine and a big bottle of stout.
You can't do that now-too many security cameras!

Aussie Irene 19-11-2013 01:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

" Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293 nonstop from London to Montreal. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back, relax, and......Oh....My God!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

" Ladies and Gentlemen, i'm sorry if i scared you. While i was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled some coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Fom the back of the plane, an Irishman yelled.....

" For the luvva Jaysus....you should see the backa mine!"

dotti34 22-11-2013 03:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large -
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

dotti34 01-12-2013 00:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The way they do it in Australia!

This morning an old Aussie bloke was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victoria Bitter beer cheap at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. He stopped at a service station for fuel where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two cartons of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice:

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

He thought for a few seconds and then asked:
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

DtheP47 02-12-2013 16:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Looking for employment?
There are some bar jobs going in Glasgow, but you will have to work on a rotor.

gpick24 06-12-2013 22:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
So, Nelson Mandela has died at 95, that`s even faster than Paul Walker.

dotti34 08-12-2013 21:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head
The others nodded in agreement
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Eric 09-12-2013 18:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Brit arrived at Australian customs. One of the questions the custom's guy asked him was, "Do you have a criminal record?" The Brit replied, "Oh, I didn't realize it was still compulsory".

dotti34 09-12-2013 18:54

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water – and is fat.
A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long and only lives 5 years.
A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years….

…and you tell me to exercise! I don’t think so.

Retlaw 11-12-2013 22:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
1 Attachment(s)
Chavs Nativity Scene.


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