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Ironically true -
Today Prince Andrew has been promoted to vice admiral in the navy. I find this amusing - hence 'joke of the day' |
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It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked ‘And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth.' |
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While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo.. I listened as the lady told her story. "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then sheHeaded for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, youFussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance menExtraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed". |
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It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of he tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.' |
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The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup’, was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important. |
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Ha ha - you said it, DaveinGermany, not me....
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? |
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' |
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Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres.
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Ethel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Ethel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominator !! Now if you knew our Ethel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!! Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey. |
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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the Bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?" The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: . "I think so. Provided those wan * ers at Jewson's deliver the fu *king bricks." |
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THE TEXT MESSAGE
Today I reciecved a text,it's said:- "Hi Jason, This is Bob from next door. I’m sorry about this old chap, but I have a confession to make. I've been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but at least I'm telling now. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much,I hope you will accept my apologies. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Bob." MY REACTION: Feeling insulted and betrayed I went round and knocked Bob out,arriving home i poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to wait for the police. I took out my phone where I saw i had a subsequent message from my neighbour,Bob. THE SECOND MESSAGE: "Hi Jason,it's Bob again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side mate. Regards,Bob." |
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I left the car in the Arndake car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details.... ....Well, I'm not. |
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I`ve just had some bad news, after several trips to the docs and many tests I`ve just found out the wife is allergic to dogs. I know this isn`t a rehoming site but would prefer somewhere local so I thought I would try on here first. Anyway, her name is Susan, a pretty good cook and her favourite hobby is cleaning the house, she`s pretty good at ironing too.
Open to offers. |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to Sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson,look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of little stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is a approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you're a dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent." |
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I was talking to our pegs nephew on the phone the other day he said "I don't know why folk are getting so worked up about immigration"
He said "my neighbours are English,all the kids in the local school are English,the local shops are run by English folk".... ....he's loving it in Spain. |
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VINCENT VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE...
His dizzy aunt ------------Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes------------ Gotta Gogh ... The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------- U Gogh His magician uncle ------------ Where-Diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin ---------------A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -----Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach -----Wells-Far Gogh The constipated uncle ------ Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt ------- Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle --------- Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew -------- Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco ----------------Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------ Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh! |
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Me and my scouser mate go into Greggs.
My mate being a typical scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then when outside boasts to me, "Did you see that? The staff never even seeb me." I say, "That's nowt mate, watch this." i walk back into the shop and ask for the manager, I say,"give us a pie and I'll show thee some magic," and proceed to eat the pie in front of him, and then I do it twice more. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" I say, "Go and check my mates pockets." |
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How dare you, it should be a capital "S" ;) :D |
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You are driving down Route 66 in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.' HOWEVER... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. God, I just love happy endings |
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I went to see my Doctor last week I told him I have a problem with flatulence,I told him "it really doesn't bother me too much as they never smell and they're always silent".
"As a matter of fact" I said, "I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office and you didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent" The doctor said, "I see,Take these pills and come back to see me next week." Well,it's been a week and I returned "Doctor," I siad, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly." "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." |
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'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes? |
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I went to see the doctor the other day and said, 'Doc, I think I'm going senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip my flies up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip them down.' |
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of parliament. |
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When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank!
We couldn't afford a dog |
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For those of you who, like me, do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, I thought you may be interested in a little social experiment I am conducting.
I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist. |
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Mrs E and I went into town to grab some bits from peel street chemist.When we came out, there was a copper writing out some kind of warning/ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on officer,Give a senior citizen a break" He just smirked and continued writing the ticket. As my temper grew,I called him a arsehole,He just glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So Mrs E called him a pritstick, He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. He then started writing more warnings/tickets,this went on for about 10minutes or so,the more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, gave us a smirk and walked away... ...Just then the Hyndburn circular arrived, and we got on and came home. |
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CIRCUMCISION
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow" Mick says, " I had that done when i was three days old" Paddy asks, "Did it hurt" Mick says, "Well i couldn't walk for twelve months" |
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Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?" |
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Got the Mrs a prosthetic leg for Christmas, it isn't her big pressie, just a stocking filler
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A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time.
Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass back to me." Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex." Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr Chung replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!" |
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Just been banned from B&Q,some guy in a orange apron came upto me an asked if I wanted decking....luckily,I got the first punch in.
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The Blonde GUY'S Lunch
The very first ever Blonde Guy joke... And well worth the wait!!!! An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.’ |
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David Cameron dies and goes to heaven.He knocks quietly on the pearly gates and put walks St. Peter.
"Oh it's you",says Peter,"I'm sorry no scumbags allowed in heaven". "What?" exclaims Cameron,astonished. "You heard,No scumbags in heaven,especially not you after what you did to the world". "Ok,I know I made mistakes in the past,but I did some good things too." "Oh really", says St. Peter."like what?" "Well" said Cameron "I once gave a homeless man £10 out my own pocket". "Oh" said St. Peter."anything else?" "Well,another time I donated £10 out my own pocket to cancer research". "Hmmmm" said St. Peter. "Anything else?" "Well,before I died I donated my last £20 to Dr Bernardo's". "Okey,okey" says St. Peter "Wait here,I'll go have a word with the boss". Ten minutes later,St Peter returns,looks Cameron straight in the eye and says "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me... ...here's your £40,Now sod off." |
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A newly married couple goes to the county fair and the wife sees helicopter rides that showcase the beauty of the surrounding area. She really wants to go, but her husband looks at her and says, "It's too expensive, 50 bucks is 50 bucks."
Every year they go to the fair, and every year, the wife wants to take a helicopter ride, but her husband continually says, "50 bucks is 50 bucks." After 20 years of going, she says that she really wants to go and he again tells her it is too expensive with the same line. "50 bucks is 50 bucks." The pilot overhears the couple's conversation and offers to give them a ride for free, but with one condition. The wife can't make a sound during the ride. During the ride the pilot really showcases his skills by performing daring maneuvers that make the stomach turn. After the ride is over, he relays his surprise that the woman didn't make a sound during the flight. Many of his other riders can't stop screaming during the ride, even without the daring stunts. The wife finally admits she almost made a sound when her husband fell out but, "50 bucks is 50 bucks.” |
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A Texan rancher visited a Saskatchewan wheat farm. He asked the farmer how much land he had. "I'm farming 36 sections," said the farmer. "Hell," said the Texan, "I have so much land that I can get in my truck, drive all day, and I'm still on my own land." "I know what you mean," said the stubble jumper, "I had a truck like that once."
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YORKSHIRE OBITUARY. In the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife.
The couple had been happily married for 50 years. The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How much? !!!” He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.” “Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk. “Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put "Gladys Braithwaite died’”. “You need to say when” he was told by the receptionist. “Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do”. “It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”. The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said. “You can have another four words”, the woman explained. “No, no” he cried “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out. ” “The words are included in the price” the woman informed him. “Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”. “Yes, indeed”. “Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”. The obituary was duly printed as follows: Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale. |
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Dad banging on the bedroom door...Come on son time for school
Son groans and says.... I'm not going Dad...What do you mean you're not going, you have to go Son...I just cant stand it anymore dad, the work is so boring, the kids drive me crazy and all the teachers hate me. Dad...you still have to go son Son...Give me a good reason why I should go Dad...I'll give you three son, 1 you have to do something with your life, 2 its your duty and 3 your the headmaster! |
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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida. The first said “you know I had a big house built for mother." The second said "and I had a large theater built in the house." The third said "and I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said "you know how mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mother only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration their mother sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good though. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love Mother |
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A man who had been stranded on a desert island for 10 years all alone sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer he rules out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says, “Man oh man. This is good.” She then asks him, “How long has it been since you had a sip of bourbon?” Trembling, he replies “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “This is absolutely fantastic.” Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at the man seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh my God. Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there.” |
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My grandson told me this yesterday😄😄😄
Murphy and Paddy were walking through the local cemetery reading the headstones "Will ye look at this Paddy, there's one chap here was 152 !" says Murphy. "What's his name" asks Paddy. "Miles, from London "Murphy answers.:silly::silly::silly: |
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Two nice old ladies were walking down the street when a man walking towards them opened his coat and flashed them.
One of the ladies had a stroke but the other one couldn't reach. |
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THE PERFECT ANSWER
"I can't believe you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed his wife. "I'm really disappointed." "You can hardly blame me," he answered, "It's not like i was getting any from you." "Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it." |
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An MP up for election is about to knock at the door of a house when it is opened by a small boy aged 5.
MP Hello little boy can I speak to your daddy. Boy replies in a whispered voice. No he's busy with the Policewoman MP can I speak to your mummy then. Boy whispers. No she's busy with the priest. MP Oh what about an elder brother or sister Boy whispers no they are busy talking to the fireman and the man from the ambulance MP Oh what about an aunt or uncle Boy whispers they are both busy talking to the man off the telly Oh my says the MP this sounds terrible is everything ok The little boy leans forward and whispers everythings fine but everyones busy MP What are they all doing that is so important that they leave you to answer the door The little boys leans forward and whispers "They are looking for me! |
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying rat! You've been playing golf!' |
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 'What was that for?' he asked. ‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied. 'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.' Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?' She replied.......’Your horse just phoned' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Stan has a petrol station in Medina and was trying to increase sales.
So he put up a sign that read “Free Sex With Every Fill-up” Soon Kev pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex – Stan told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex – Kev guessed 8 and Van said “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time” A week later, Kev along with his buddy Frank, pulled in for another fill-up Again he asked for his free sex. Stan again asked him to guess the correct number. He guessed 2 this time. Van said “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time”. As they were driving away, Kev said to his buddy “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex” Frank replied “No it is not rigged. My wife won twice last week “ |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny
little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack. "Sure......That's what they call it now!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Three men die and go to Heaven.
St Peter is at the gate with his large ledger....he checks their names off, one by one. He lets them through the gate and tells them that there are a lot of ducks in heaven.....and the only rule is that they must not stand on a duck....he said if they did then the consequences would be severe. After two weeks one of the chaps stands on a duck. Within minutes St Peter was seen striding towards him....followed by the ugliest woman the man had ever seen. St Peter tells the man that his punishment for this crime was to be attached to this ugly woman for all eternity. Another couple of weeks go by and the second man steps on a duck. St Peter turns up followed by an even uglier woman....he tells the man that he is to be saddled with the ugly woman for all eternity. The third man was feeling very superior....more so when St Peter headed in his direction, this time followed by a beautiful woman, long blonde hair, stacked just right and attached this woman to the man. He could not believe his luck. He turned to the woman and said to her 'Well, I don't know what I have done to deserve this' The woman looked him up and down and said 'I do....I stood on a duck!' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman went to Italy on a two week training course.
Her husband dropped her off at the airport and wished her a good trip. His wife asked if there was anything he would like bringing back. 'Yes' he said 'a beautiful Italian girl'. The two weeks passed and he went back to the airport to pick up his wife. They hugged and he said 'did you get me my gift?' 'what gift was that?' she asked. 'The beautiful italian girl' 'Oh THAT gift......yes..... but now we have to wait nine months to see if it is a boy or a girl' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The first surgeon says, "I like to see electricians on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is colour coded." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try librarians! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think accountants are the best; everything inside them is numbered." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." |
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Ooh Dorothy, I love that one.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Ha Ha, As Frank Carson used to say Dorothy, it's the way I tell em.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman was having problems with her computer.
She tried everything she knew, but all failed. She sat there wondering what to do. Suddenly it came to her, she would ask Jake, her next door neighbours eleven year old. He came in pressed a few keys and Hey Presto it was fixed. 'What was the problem?' The woman asked. ' oh it was just a simple ID ten T error' he said ID10T! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …….but I fish on Fridays" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
He says, "John, I have some good news and some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." John replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now that I know that I can handle the bad news, you mind telling me what it is?" The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents. Dad: How's your life going, son? Son: It's going well, dad. Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy. Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here. Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right. Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. Dad: My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you 15 million euro this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN" Husband texts back: "GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER" Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "NEED NEW LAPTOP ~ NOTHING WORKS ON IT NOW”! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter — ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands |
Re: Joke Of The Day
In January, while crossing a border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by Paul, a security guard, who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard. "Sand," replied the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again Paul the security guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it?" "Bicycles." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped. The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back of the church" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
So, this bloke with a facial tic which caused him to constantly wink applied for a position as a sales rep for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university with honours, your references are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, as a sales representative is a highly visible position, we're afraid that your constant winking will confuse or scare off customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."
"Wait," said the applicant. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the bloke reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out dozens of packs of all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms; at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He opens it, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," "that's all well and good” the interviewer says “but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees damaging our reputation by womanising all over the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" . |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit
down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "... And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile |
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Ooh Ouch! :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Not sure if I should post this - but what the heck:
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles" |
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a piñata?!” |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s e x. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.." God is good. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!” |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The staff were helping customers when the store optometrist walked
by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, they all had to stop what they were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance. "Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'" |
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Did you know.....there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?
Same with the Virgin Islands, there are no canaries there either. |
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I have been a lot better since I swapped my morning coffee for orange juice.
My doctor said this was due to the vitamin C and the natural sugars...but I think it is the vodka! |
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Day five of social distancing lockdown.
Today I was so bored that I had a conversation with a spider. It turned out he was a web designer. OK...I'll get my coat. (but you are smiling...right) |
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I have a very clever hen...she is so clever she can count her own eggs...she is a mathamachicken.
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Q) What do you call an alligator in a vest?
a) an Investigator! |
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Q) what's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A) You can't tuna fish. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Q) Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A) One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Cremation - My last hope of a smoking hot body.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A rabbit walked into a pub one day, approached the bar & asked the landlord for a pint of bitter & a cheese & ham toastie. Astonished as the landlord was, he served the rabbit who proceeded to eat his food & savour his pint while the locals looked on in amazement.
The next day, the rabbit turned up again with exactly the same request - again he was served, this carried on for weeks. Word got round & the pub was packed every day, with people amazed by what they were seeing. The landlord was happy, the rabbit was happy until one day when the rabbit came in & asked for his usual pint & cheese & ham toastie the landlord was heard to say, "I'm sorry, we're clean out of ham,I could make you a cheese & onion toastie if that will suffice?" The rabbit considered this & accepted the change, ate his toastie & drank his pint before leaving. The next day there was no sign of the rabbit nor the next or the next until the people stopped flocking to the pub & life went back to normal for the landlord. Then, one day the landlord noticed a strange mist in the doorway of the pub, taking a closer look he saw an image of the rabbit. Curiously, he edged forward & whispered "Rabbit, is that you - what happened?" "Unfortunately, said the rabbit, I died a few weeks ago" "I'm so sorry" said the landlord "What was the cause" The rabbit replied "Mixin-me-toasties" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Just a quickie, if you get an e-mail from the Dept for Health saying not to eat tinned pork due to it containing Covid-19, ignore it, it's Spam! ;)
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
Because they eat all the bats Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Now that's a 10 on the Ouch scale. :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
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Too soon Dave? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Woke up this morning with a temperature and cough, later in the day I had an irresistible urge too sing frank sinatra songs so went to the docs, turns out I have crooner virus.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
Re: Joke Of The Day
To all those people panic buying, make sure you stock up on condoms so you don't produce any more idiots.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
I am sure the way some people are buying toilet rolls that idiots are born with two bum holes (sanitised with cuticura to prevent offence)
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Re: Joke Of The Day
I hope the weather is good tomorrow....I am heading off to the Costa Backyard....I am fed up with the food at Costa Kitchen...and the beach is way too crowsws.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053, when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom.
To John, this wasn’t just any ordinary day. This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house”. |
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Angry wife: “I should have married the devil, he would make a better husband than you.”
Husband: “They would have arrested you. Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country.” |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together |
Re: Joke Of The Day
and finally, for today at least....
I once got into so much debt that I couldn't even afford to pay my electricity bills. They were the darkest days of my life. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.' '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?' 'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique' |
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