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Re: Joke Of The Day
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead! why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? it was holding onto the first one! why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? he thought it was a game! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
kate moss bumped into jeremy clarkson and said to him what do you do? he said i do top gear, kate said great i'll have 4 grams.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
The political party confrences
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Heres one for you:-
Two Blonde Genies A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and the floor is covered in $1000 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and! hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish ... having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to." "I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Bush and Rumsfeld having a conversation over Iraq. Rumsfeld tells Bush 3 Brazillians have died. Bush is aghast about this and this startles Rumsfeld. Why the concern? Rumsfeld asks; Bush replies "how many men are there in a brazilian"?
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Re: Joke Of The Day
The Chicken and the Donkey
A chicken and a donkey lived on a farm lived. They were great friends and loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go and get the farmer for help. The chicken ran off back to the farm as fast as he could. When he arrived at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but without success. The farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motorcar and, taking a length of rope, the chicken sped off, hoping he still had time to save his friends life. Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. Amazingly, a few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life. The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing!" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick. http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/...mileys2/04.gif |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said: "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
: No offence meant !!!! joke !!
Home Office Security Memo Re: Towel Heads Recently we received a warning about the use of the above politically incorrect term. Please note: we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts, our religion, our freedom and our way of life in general - and want to kill all of us for the greater glory of Allah - do not like to be called "Towel Heads." This is because the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward you should only refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Noticing one of her students was making faces at the other children in the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, that it would freeze and stay that way." Johnny looks up and replies, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A dustman is going along the street picking up wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so after a quick look, he knocks on the door. Eventually, a Japanese man answers..... "Harro", he says. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toiret, I tol you". Says the Japanese man. "Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ....where's yourwheely bin?" "OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having w@nk". |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New CD -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now" Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new CD you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the CD on for you." The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this CD." "I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, Scroll Down .................. I'm Really Sorry...... But Keep Going.................. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
That is bloody awful.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Bloody funny after six pints.:)
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Re: Joke Of The Day
I liked that one Bazf, passed it on a few times now.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A young man moved into a new apartment by himself, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming". He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "it's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he blushed and then stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me". |
Re: Joke Of The Day
I am sorry if this have been sent before but I am writing. No offence.
------------------------------------------------------------------ Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered". Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A picture for the above post
http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2005470812,00.jpg |
Re: Joke Of The Day
:p :D :eek:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Subject: FW: Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married
Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married: The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., abit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight". He didn't seem ****ed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,"We need a new cuckoo clock". "When I asked him why", he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table And f*rted." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
no offence meant Joke!!!
30,000 found dead in Pakistan earthquake! Emergency services are just checking the 2nd house now:D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
>Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
>husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men >increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. > > > >The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose >a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down >except to leave the place, never to return. > > > >A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some >husbands... > > > > > >First floor > > > >The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women >read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not >loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. > > > >Second floor > > > >The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are >extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's >further up?" > > > >Third floor > > > >This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good >looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, >"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went." > > > >Fourth floor > > > >This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, >are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong >romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be >awaiting us further on! " > > > >So up to the fifth floor they went. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Fifth floor > > > >The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove >that women are f * * king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, >we >hope you fall down the stairs. " > > |
Re: Joke Of The Day
BECAUSE OF RECENT TERRORIST ACTIVITY, IT IS PRUDENT FOR SECURITY REASONS TO HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.
SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE CALL ME BY MY NEW MUSLIM NAME: SELDOM BIN LAYED :rofl38::rofl38::rofl38: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It
was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and thesilence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat siftingthrough a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise..... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP..... BUMP........BUMP...... the coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin . BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knewthe coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and jumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came . BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it Still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped. :banslide: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Ok worst joke in the world after that last one...
What does a mommy buffalo say to her son on his way out to school? Wait for it... Bi son:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me." The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!" In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin." Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Due to bird flu been discovered in Ireland. The goverment has banned all hen parties.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
40 Gypsies arrive at Heavens Gate.
St Peter comes out and says 'sorry we've only got room for 5 of you so decide amongst yourself who's coming in' 5 minutes later St Peter says to God 'They've gone!' 'What all 40?' says God 'No the Gates!' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
scientists have crossed a chicken with an onion,
they have finally got a cock that will bring tears to a womans eye. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Probably not PC, but who cares:
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again. ONE,TWO,THREE UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man went to a zoo
It only had 1 dog in it. It was a shi tzu |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two worms live on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "I don't know, but I was just going up to check it out." So he starts up through the dirt. At that moment, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "I gotta wiz." Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here. Do it right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so?" Her friend says, "Yeah." She pulls down her panties, lifts up her little golf dress and squats. She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets soaked. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining huh?" The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, it's raining so hard the birds are building their nests upside-down!" :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
surgeon says to george best- got some good news and bad news george! best says-give me the bad news first doc, (doc) sorry mate you have only about 60 mins to live. (best) hell doc whats the good news? (doc) its happy hour.:rolleyes:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
It has been a while since we heard from Little Johnny... but you can't keep him out of the news for long. :D
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!" "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered. "Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good. Now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!". The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mum say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it." :confused: ;) :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Mummy mummy do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam? No, but i hear they are hanging glitter this year.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Nice one Sara :)
What was Gary Glitter doing in C&A? He heard boys pant were half off! Did you hear about Gary Glitter's holiday? He went to Tampa with the children. I hear Gary Glitter is going to be the next Dr Who... ... apparently he will have two assistants, K9 and Stacey, eleven. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
They're even sadder then mine Bazf, but funny.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
George Bests son to inherit 50,000,000 pounds
:) ........ He's taking back the empties...:D :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. Bartender says, "Nice mouse!" The man says, "No ordinary mouse though, this little feller talks!" The Bartender says "Oh yeah, what about?" The man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what colour panties she has on." Bartender says "Really? This I gotta see." The man points to woman says to mouse; "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says "Pink." "Wow, the bartender says. will he do that for me?" The man says, "Sure." The bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartender's pocket shaking like a leaf. The bartender says "What's wrong with you?" Mouse says, "I taught I taw a puddy tat!" :eek: ;) :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
my personal favourite...!
Ladies, I apologize for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage. |
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Quote:
lmao...omg how very very true!!! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Brilliant Krex, how true.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A Pakistani couple are walking out of the divorce courts. The woman is sobbing her heart out. The Ex Husband turns to her and says " for goodness sake woman stop crying, we are still cousins".:D
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Apologies if this has already been posted...
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for! 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Why did god make woman have thrush??
So she could see what it would be like to live with a irritating T"""t before she married one.:D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
sorry if they've been posted before but i thought it was funny.........
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman, all in the army!
As they are going out on exercises in the dessert their CO says they can take one extra piece of kit with them. Anything of their choice! On the news the Englishman says he will take an extra supply of water. The Scotsman says "well being out in the desert I could do with some whiskey", so he gets a bottle of scotch! The Irishman says, well I will take a car door! The others look at him and say a car door? Why? The Irishman man say's well when it gets too hot in the desert I can wind the Window down! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Oh My God.... :rolleyes: :D John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant." :eek: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Donald Duck was chatting to his good friend Mickey.
Mickey was somewhat depressed. On seeing how sad he was Donald asked him what the matter was. Mickey replied, "I left Minnie" Donald said "By heck Mickey, thats a bit severe. Having buck teeth is no reason to leave anyone" Mickey replied "I never said she had buck teeth, I said she was F*****g Goofy!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Two sharks in the south Atlantic having a chat!
One says to the other "I am sick of all this fish, its really quite boring after a while" The other shark says "I know, lets go to Morecambe and get a chinese instead" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Ed finally decides to take a holiday. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When she returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean----", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A Trebor Mint and a Polo are in the pub, having a drink. The Polo is acting hard, as usual, with the odd "What you starin' at?" and "Yer sittin' in MY seat!".
This goes on for a few hours, until the doors open and in walks a Honey'n'Lemon Locket. The Polo gasps and instantly starts cowering in a corner. The Trebor Mint says "What's up with you? I thought you were hard as nails?". "Yeh," says the Polo, "but that's LOCKET!". The Trebor Mint thinks what this could mean, shakes his head and replies "And?". The Polo whispers, "And ... he's totally MENTHOL!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A guy walks in to a bar with his dog and the barman gets the guy a drink and starts talking to him, he says is that a mongrel and the guy says no its mongal, you mean mongrel says the barman, no I mean mongal says the guy and the dog begins to growl, the guy turns around and says....
...Down Syndrome. A 45 year old guy is getting a blow job from an 85 year old women in London at the exactly the same time a a guy is walking a high wire over Niagara falls. Q What are they both thinking? A Don,t look down. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
considering all the attention the calder bars getting ..heres one for the single fellas to try on with some honeys!!
James Bond walks into "THE C A L D E R " and sits next to a drop dead gorgeous brunette. He looks at her then takes a look at his watch. The girl asks "Is your date late?" Bond replies (excuse the bad impression): "No. It'sh jusht my watch is rather schpecial. It's one of Q's little toysh." "Really what does it do?" enquired the bombshell, fluttering her eyelashes. "Well it tellsh me, telepathically, detailsh about a pershon. You, for example, it tellsh me that your not wearing any pantiesh!!" announced Bond with a raised eyebrow. The girl giggled. "I hate to break it to you" she said "but i'm actually wearing panties". "Damn!" exclaimed Bond "Bloody thing musht be an hour fasht!" How's that for smooth! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
It's nearing the Festive Season again, so just a reminder that a doggy isn't just for Christmas ..........
............. It's a great position all year round! :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
In acknowledgment of the newly announced gay marriages, IKEA have launched a new product, 'The Lesbian beds' ...........
...... there's no screwing involved, it's just tongue and groove. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Right then, chaps, did you forget to buy your loved one a Christmas present? Glad to hear you didn't.
When you have read this seasonal tale, you never will in the future, neither... ;) A husband rolled in pi$$ed on Christmas Eve, and was in big trouble when he forgot to get a Christmas present for his wife. His wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next day, on Christmas morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new set off bathroom scales. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday. :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Here's another joke to upset Mary Whitehouse. :D
Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas. "It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas." "You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!" They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?" "Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi. "You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!" Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner. "Whoa!" Jenny exclaimed. "How did you get that black eye?!" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said. "What on earth for?!" Jenny asked. "I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!!!" :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask...
The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering." The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night." The third guy said, "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and tickled her fancy, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"http://www.funnyhumor.com/viewcount....joke&id=508&s= :eek: :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
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Re: Joke Of The Day
why shouldn't you wear Ukranian underpants?
Chernobyl fallout |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Here are some of the foolish things that various football commentators have uttered, and later wished they hadn't. . .
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Re: Joke Of The Day
So like one bloke said to the other ' i am going to have to stop this telephone sex'
Why? he asks. Well now i have got hearing aids!!!! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man doing his shopping one day realises that a blonde is looking at
him and he waves....he says " I'm sorry but do I know you?" she replies "I think you're the dad of one of my kids" the man casts his mind back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful. he says " are you the stripper that i sha""ed at the stag, the one over the pool table where her sister pushed that cucumbber up my a""e??" the blonde says " no i'm your sons teacher" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
One day a man goes to the doctors and explains that everything he does, he keeps farting. The man is obviously very embarrassed.
Doctor says " sit down please" so the man does, but he farts very loud and very red in the face says to the doctor " I'm very sorry but I warned you". After a while the doctor lookss up and says " right stand up" so the man does. As he stands up he lets off a rip roarer.......he is soooo embarrassed. Then the doctor says " right reach up as high as you can please!" so the man reaches up high, but he lets a massive fart off!!!! " omg sorry doctor" the doctor says " don't worry, now bend over and touch your toe's" so the man bends over and lets another huge fart off!!! " omg I'm sorry doctor....please help me". The doctor takes a look at the man and leaves the room. The man is sat there for what seemed like ages, then the doctor re-appeared. In his hand he held a long stick with a hook on the end. The man began to fret and said " bloody hell doctor what you gonna do with that thing??" the doctor said " I'm gonna open the window it bloody stinks in here":D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
they were 2 crackers slinky.....
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman was in a coma for several months, one day the nurses noticed a slight response while washing her f""ny. They rushed to her husband and explained. They suggested a little oral S"x might bring her round to which he agreed.
A few moments later her monitor flat lined, no pulse rate or heart rate. The nurses rushed into the room and said " what happened"?? the husband said " I'm not sure, she may have choked":rolleyes: :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Asylum seeker at the side of road eating grass. Car stops, driver says "don't eat that mate come with home with me" Asylum seeker says " I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too??" driver says " f""k off!! I only have a small lawn":o
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Ugly bloke walks into pub with big grin on his face, " what you grinning at" ask's the barman. The fella explains " well I was walking home last night past the railway lines when I saw a fit bird tied to them. I untied her and we had s"x all night it was fantastic".......the barman obviously very envious said " did she give you a B"w job??" the man said " No I couldn't find her head":o sorry
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Posted on behalf of Mimi:
A man is at work and he starts messing around with some dangerous machines. By accident he chops his hand off. So his friend says, "Come on, we've got to get you to the hospital." So he puts the hand in a plastic bag and off they go. Next day this guy is back in to work and his mate says, "What happened? I thought you'd lost your hand?" and he says, "No, it's ths new micro-surgery. It's great. It's as good as new." So he starts messing around by the machines again and this time he cuts his arm off. His mate says, "Come on, let's get you down to the hospital." and he gets his arm and puts it in a plastic bag and off they go. Next day, back into work again and he says "This micro surgery is absolutely brilliant." He starts messing around by the machines again but this time his whole head comes off. His friends puts the head in a plastic bag and takes him down to the hospital again. Next day he doesn't show up. His mate wonders what happened. The boss says "Oh, didn't you hear? He died." His mate says, "What about this new micro surgery? Couldn't they do it this time?" and the boss says "Oh yeah, they could have done the op but he'd already suffocated from being in the plastic bag." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
a bonde stood at side of a river wondering how to get to the other side?
she spots another blonde on the other side and shouts how do i get to the other side? the other blonde shouts back! i thought you was on the other side. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe that anyone would shag you twice!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
2 men! 1 is 350ft high on a tight rope,
the other is getting a blow job off an 85 year old woman, Q.what do they have in common? A.they both darent look down!:p |
Re: Joke Of The Day
rich man and poor man talking at the bar!
porr man says to the rich one what you getting the wife for valentines day? oh the rich bloke says a merc and a diamond ring! if she doesnt like one she will like the other! what you getting yours asks the richman? oh the poor bloke says just some slippers and a dildo! if she doesnt like the slippers then she can go and fcuk herself.:eek: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
this is one for bazf.
god and jesus looking down on earth! they see paddy rowing a boat, and jesus says i wonder what he will do if i take a qtr of his brain away? ZAP...paddy loses qtr of his brain and carrys on rowing, god says let me try and zaps another qtr of his brain, paddy continues rowing jesus says this is the last qtr and zaps him, paddy then starts to sing??????????? ferry cross the mersey............ |
Re: Joke Of The Day
a blonde was doing a jigsaw!and shouts to her husband,give me a hand.
the husband walks over and the blonde says ,its supposed to be a tiger? husband says put the the frosties back in the fcuking box will you........... |
Re: Joke Of The Day
if a farmer grew a field full of dildos?
what would be his biggest problem? SQUATTERS.....................:p |
Re: Joke Of The Day
an englshman,irishman,and a scotsman are in a pub,
englishman says the wife has just paid 50.00 quid for a hair-do and she doesnt go out? scotsman says thats nowt mine has just bought a car and she cant drive? irishman says thats nowt my wife has took 150 condoms on holiday....... and she doesnt even have a cock. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
barrymore"s success on big brother was so impressive that they
have offered him his own sitcom called.........only pools and corpses! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
a baby monkey asked his mum "why are we so ugly"?
mum relied"son,thank god we look like this! you should see the poor barsteward thats reading this! :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
a bunch of lesbians have been arrested for being drunk in accrington!
police say that they are under suspicion of minge drinking. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
1.It is important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks,cleans & has a job. 2.It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3.It is important to have a woman who you can trust & doesnt lie. 4.It is important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you. 5.It is very very important that these four women dont know each other.......... :) :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man wants his 70 yr old wife killed.He asks the killer how he will do it.Killer says'' Ill shoot her below the left nipple''.The man says''I want her killing not knee-capped!!''......:)
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Three women are having a brew.1st woman says''Im having a boob job''.2nd women says ''Im having my a**e h**e bleached''.3rd woman says ''I cant imagine your husband blonde''......:)
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
OOpps wrong forum for this one
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A Priest is very fond of his rooster and hens... His rooster then goes missing.
Next day in Church he asks his congregation, " Has anybody got a cock ?" All the men stand up..." No, i mean has anybody seen a cock ?" All the women stand up..." No, i mean has anybody seen a cock that dosnt belong to them ?" Half the women stand up... " No!, No! " he says angrily " Has anybody seen MY COCK ?!" All the choir boys stand up !!! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Paul McCartney has bought his missus a plane...........
so she can shave her leg now.:D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was
a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > > Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving > rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > > He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box > approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more > clearly....It was a coffin. > > > > > > > > > > > Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started > walking briskly home. > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........ > > > > > > > > > > > > He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking > faster......... > > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........BUMP...... > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........BUMP..... > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........BUMP...... > > > > > > > > > > > > The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he > heard the coffin speed up after him...... > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... > > > > > > > > BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... > > > > > > > > > > > He started to sprint, but so did the coffin . > > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... > > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. > > > > > > > > > > > Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. > > > > > > > > > > Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through > the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... > > > > > > > > > > > The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and > launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the > bathroom door flew off its hinges.... > > > > > > The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom > cabinet...... > > > > > > He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the > coffin.......still it came . > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > > > He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ..... > > > > > > Still it came...... > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > > > He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came...... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... > > > > > > > > He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ > > > > > > > > > > The coffin stopped..........:p |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The Dentist ...
A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills". The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling" he says, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says " because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. he pushes his luck "I want the house." he says insistently. Up to 60mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65mph. "And" he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her "Isn't there anything you want?" Wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice "No, I've got everything I need" she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires. "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag" . Never underestimate how a woman thinks! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy" All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you are all connected to the internet, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
BRAIN CRAMPS
( On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ````````````````````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. (No, she wasn't hiding anything.) `````````````````````````````````````````````````` `` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. ```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark `````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President ``````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle `````````` "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ``````````` "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ````````````````````````````````` "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President (Ex) `````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, ```````````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Kep Enderby ```````````````` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ```````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman |
Re: Joke Of The Day
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Chester Zoo
Chester Zoo has recently acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.Within weeks of its arrival it became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination it was found to be in heat, to make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species at Chester or available. Whilst reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth a big Lancashire lad from Accrington, responsible for general cage duties. Gareth, like most lads had little sense, but seemed to be able to attract lots of females. The zoo administrator approached Gareth with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3.500? Gareth said he would have to think about it. The following day Gareth said he would accept the offer; with three conditions. “First” he said “I don’t kiss the Gorilla”. Secondly “No one must find out about any of this”. The administrator quickly agreed to these two requests and then asked about the third condition “Well” said Gareth “Can you give me a couple of weeks to come up with the money?” :) |
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