![]() |
Re: Joke Of The Day
1 Attachment(s)
Now which Accy Webber does this remind you of.
Retlaw. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Innuendo - an Italian suppository.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Lesser known member of the Round Table - Sir Cumference.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
1 Attachment(s)
Cashy, the shape of things to come.
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard Prime Minister of Aust, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for Aust. At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Julia then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Julia Gillard.They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s__t it can no longer fly |
Re: Joke Of The Day
long the same lines we live next to an Indian Reserve and my wife's Indian name would be Four Horses. (Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag !)
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
1 Attachment(s)
Job Interview.
Retlaw. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
I've just bought some 007 Viagra tablets. They enable me to roger more.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Henry was trying to sell his battered old car for £45.His friend,Tom, said he would pay 10% less than the price Henry was asking for the car.Henry was not very good at figures so he said he would think about Tom's offer.That evening, when he was in his usual bar,Henry asked thebarmaid "if i offered you £45 less 10% what would you take off?"
The barmaid hesitated slightly, then replied: "Everything exept my ear-rings." The vet had just supervised the delivery of a litter of kittens to the old spinsters cat."I just don't know how it could have happened,"said the spinster."Tibbles is never allowed out and no other cats are ever allowed into the house." " But what about him?"asked the vet, pointing to a large tom cat sitting in an armchair. "Oh, don't be silly," replied the spinster. "That's her brother.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Welcome back Claytonx - haven't been many jokes lately...
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two females chatting
How did your anniversary dinner go last night? Oh, it was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful. The husband and his mate chatting. So, how did you’re evening go? A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf.. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these bloody candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so miffed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....... |
Polygamy
1 Attachment(s)
The downside !
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Young girl in a cinema "Take your hand off my knee!
No,not you-------you!" A diver working 300 feet below the surface of the english channel got a message from his ship saying "come up quick! we're sinking." There were two babies in a pram.One baby turned to the other baby and said "Are you a little girl or a little boy" "I don't know," was the giggled reply. "I can tell,"said the first baby gleefully,and he dived beneath the bedclothes and then resurfaced."You're a girl and i'm a boy,"he announced proudly. "That was clever,"said the baby girl."How could you tell?" "Easy!You've got pink bootees and i've got blue ones".:alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Worktex bras---the largest manufacturers of bras in the world.We have a hand in nine out of ten bras in Britain.
For sale two single beds and a worn carpet. Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words. Policeman to jay walking pedestrian "Here! Why are you crossing the road in this dangerous spot-can't you see there's a zebra crossing only fifty yards away?" Pedestrian "Well,I hope it's having better luck than Iam." What goes "zub,zub?"A bee flying backwards. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Eve was so jealous of Adam that when he came home each night she used to count his ribs.
The young girl was complaining to one of her friends."It was terrible I had to change my seat five times at the cinema last night." "Why?" asked the friend.Did some chap bother you?" "Yes--------eventually." "My wife speaks through her nose" "Why?" "She's worn her mouth out" "I had to give up tap dancing." "Why?" "I kept falling in the sink.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Just received this & thought I'd pass it along, enjoy. :)
John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and profane. John tried to change the bird's attitude by saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Nothing worked. Finally, John grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. John opened the door to the freezer, and the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's shoulder and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour. John was stunned, and as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Here in Canada the Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on
Parliament Hill this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A London docker was walking a long,kicking a tortoise.A policeman watched this for a few minutes,then went up to the docker and asked:"Why are you kicking this poor defenceless tortoise?"
The docker paused slightly,then replied:"because it's been following me around all day." The doctor had just finished examining the very young attractive girl. Doctor:"have you been going out with men,Miss Jones?" Miss Jones:"Oh, no,doctor,never!" Doctor:"Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample you sent,do you still say you've never had anything to do with men? Miss Jones:"Quite sure, doctor.Can I go now?" Doctor: "No" Miss Jones:"But why not?" Doctor:"Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
1 Attachment(s)
Retlaw.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of being in captivity they can train a man to stand on the very edge of their pool and throw fish to them three times a day.
The landlord of a pub frequented by an extremely heavy drinker opened up one day,and in walked a pink elephant,a green rhinocers and several orange striped crocodiles. "I'm sorry,"said the publican, "I'm afraid he isn't in yet." Angry employer:"Why are you late again this morning?" Young typist:"I overslept. Angry employer:"You mean,you sleep at home as well?" "My dog has got no nose." "How does it smell?" "Terrible.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
For those who have flown RYANAIR:
"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'....... Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland." "That is remarkable value" Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains: "Nobody would fit in that little frame!" "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir." O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "Since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager!" "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second." "I will never use this bar again!" "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro". |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew"! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Why are elephants grey?To distinguish them from blackberries.
At the Company Board meeting the Chairman rose to make his speech."Who has been carrying on with my secretary?" he demanded. This was met with silence."All right then,"said the Chairman,"put it this way---who has not been carrying on with my secretary?" Again there was silence,and then one man said,self consciously:"Me, sir." "Right" said the Chairman."You sack her." Young girl:"If you kiss me it will be a feather in my cap." Handsome young man:"Come outside and i'll make you a Red Indian Chief.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediatley clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man,and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help.I'm a Physical Therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,she told him "Oh, no,I'll be all right.I'll be fine in a few minutes,"the man replied.He was in obvious agony,lying in the foetal position.still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence,however.he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"? He replied: It feels great,but I still think my thumb's broken. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two fleas were leaving the theatre when the male flea turned to the female flea and said:"shall we walk, or take a dog?"
Waiter:"And how did you find the meat sir?" Customer:"Oh,I just lifted up a chip and there it was." Candles make light meals. "Did you know deep breathing kills germs?" "Yes.But how do you get them to breath deeply?" Hedgehog finding itself on top of a scrubbing brush: "We all make mistakes,don't we?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Aman was visiting London when he saw an avertisement for a restaurant which claimed that any dish requested could be served.
The man decided to visit this restaurant in order to test the validity of their claims.When he was seated at his table he asked the waiter for elephant ears on toast.The waiter took his order calmly,and went away into the kitchens. A few minutes later the waiter returned and said:"I do apologize, sir,but we've run out of bread." Paul Revere came thundering up to the small farmhouse during his historic ride from Boston to Lexington.The young farmer's wife came to the door. "Get ya husband,"yelled Revere"we gotta fight the English "My husband ain't home,"she replied,trembling. "Get ya sons and kinfolk,"he yelled. "I ain't got no sons or kinfolk." "Ain't nobody at home?" "Nope!" "Whoah,boy!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
"A family from Wigan go on holiday to Benidorm and order some food. The father thinking his pie is lacking in gravy calls the waiter over saying " 'ast tha Bisto fort pah?' and the waiter says in a southern English accent, "I'm sorry, mate, I don't speak Spanish!"
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
The small car pulled up to a sudden halt."Have you run out of petrol?"asked the girl somewhat sarcastically.
"No,of course not,"replied her young male companion. "Then why have we stopped?" "You will no doubt have noticed that we are parked in a secluded spot in the middle of this forest and miles from anywhere---so I thought you might like a discussion about the hereafter." "That's something new." replied the young girl."What do you mean?" "Simple!If you're not hereafter what I'm hereafter, you'll be hereafter I've gone.":dummy: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Nicola,eight years old,told her parents that David Parsons had kissed he after lessons."How did that happen?"asked her mother."It wasn't easy,"admitted the young lady,"but three girls helped me catch him."
The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man."Oh no!"he groaned."Not snake and pygmy pie again!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
I eat small pieces of metal every day.It's my staple diet.
I rose early this morning-- ate some yeast last night. "Waiter!Theres a button in my salad." "Oh! It must have come off the salad dressing." Judge:"Did you sleep with this woman?" Man in witness box:"No, your honour not a wink." "I can't stop telling lies." "I don't believe you.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The tea manufacturers wanted a new advertising gimmick, so the senior creative man at their advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.
The Pope gave the adman an audience and he made his request."We'll give you fifty thousand pounds for a ten second commercial.All you have to do is say:"Give us this day our daily tea". "I'm sorry,"replied the Pope,"but I cannot do as you request." "Seventy thousand,"offered the adman. "I'm afraid not,"said the Pope,solemnly. "All right.A hundred thousand.And that's our very last offer." But still the Pope refused to make the commercial and the adman left.On the way home the adman turned to his secretary and said:"That's odd.I mean, the Pope refusing to do a commercial for tea.I wonder how much the bread people are giving him." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
"You know why a womens work is never done?
They don't get up early enough." When you think about it.God has to be the best inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker. My wife said "What are you doing today?" I said "Nothing" She said, "You did that yesterday" I said "I wasn't finished." How can you easily decide whether to use a screw or a nail when doing carpentry? Drive in a nail---if the wood splits, you should have used a screw. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
HYMN 365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down... The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.' Smile - life is too short not to!! Keep spreading the Cheer. See you at the river !! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
It was one o'clock in the morning and the manager of the hotel had just been woken up by a frantic phone call from a little old lady."Come quickly!Oh,please come quickly!"she wailed."I can see a naked man from my window."
The manager hastily dressed and rushed up to the little old ladys room.He found her pointing to a block of flats opposite her hotel bedroom----but all the manager could see was the naked top half of a young man. "But my dear woman," soothed the manager,"the young man opposite is surely only preparing for bed.And how can you possibly be offended by him? The man may not be completely naked." "The wardrobe!"shrieked the little old lady."Stand on the wardrobe.":alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
All the farmers in the area were going over to artificial insemination for the herds--- all,that is, except Walter Manglewurzel.Walter refused to have anything to do with such new fangled ideas,but one day the vet decided to convince him of the advantages of artificial insemination for his herd of cows.
Well, Walter stopped harnessing his wife to the plough to listen to the vet,and he was pleased with what he heard and agreed to give the idea a try. That afternoon,the vet returned and said:"Did you put the bucket of hot water and a towel in the cow sheds like I asked?" "Yes ,"replied Walter."And there's a hook behind the door you can hang your trousers on." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Worried patient:"Doctor,I'm very worried.I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening."
Doctor:"Oh,that's nothing to worry about.Just have a few drinks before your dinner---that will soon wake you up." Patient:"Thanks very much doctor! But when I consulted you before,you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely." Doctor:"Yes,so I did.But that was last week,old chap and medical science has progressed enormously since then." :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
I rang Rovers today to ask "What time is kick off against Bolton"
They said "When can you make it?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Was at Ewood and the bloke on the tanoy said.."for the convenience of todays players... here are the names of the crowd"
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two men in a saloon were playing cards.One of them thumped the table happily and cried:"I win!"
"What have you got?" asked the other cowboy. "Four aces" "I'm afraid you don't win." "Thats almost impossible,"declared the first man."What cards have you got?" "Two nines and a loaded gun." "Oh,"said the first man."You win.But how come you're so lucky?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
It was quite a number of years ago when the Italian Army used to fight with spears.Just before one of there greatest battles,the Italian commander assembled his men to give them a stirring speech before they went into battle.
"It does not matter,"he said,"that the odds are overwhelmingley against us.We are Italians and we shall go foward fighting as only Italians can.Now raise up your spears and come into battle with me.I will lead the way to a glorious victory that shall be ours." As the commander picked up his spear and marched bravely foward to meet the enemy,his men laid down their spears,sat on the ground,clapped their hands,and shouted: "Bravo!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
One day,during one of the ancient wars,a lusty Roman soldier broke in to a house where he found two beautiful maidens and their matronly servant.
"Prepare thyself for conquest,my dears,"roared the soldier. The girls fell to there knees and pleaded with him:"Do with us as thou desire,sir,but please spare our faithful old servant." "Shut thy mouth,"snapped the servant.War is war." Nurse:"Well,Mr.Mitchell,you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning." Mr.Mitchell,groaning in his bed:"That's because I've been practising all night." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The old Yorkshire farmer was passing through the town one day when he decided to pay a visit to the doctor.
"I should be most grateful,"said the farmer,"if you would call one day and take a look at my wife." "Certainly,"replied the doctor."is your dear wife ill?" "I don't really know,"said the Yorkshire farmer."But yesterday morning she got out of bed at the usual time of four o'clock in the morning and milked the cows and made breakfast for me and the farmhands;then did the farm accounts;made the dinner;churned the milk;fed the chickens;ploughed a few fields;then made supper before repainting the living room----but about midnight she was complaning she was a bit tired.I think doctor,she needs a bit of a tonic or something." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two little boys were talking in Hollywood."What's your new dad like?"asked one
"Oh.he's OK,I guess,"replied the other."Have you met him?" "Yeah!"said the first boy."We had him last year." Notice in a foreign hotel:"The water in this establishment is completely hygienic---it has all been passed by the manager." 1st patient:"I see they've brought in another case of diarrhoea." 2nd patient:"That's good"Anything is better than that awful lemonade they've been giving us." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The eminent surgeon was walking through his local churchyard one day when he saw the grave digger having a rest and drinking from a bottle of beer.
"Hey, you! called the surgeon."How dare you laze about and drink alcohol in the churchyard!Get on with your job,or I shall complain to the vicar." "I should have thought you'd be the last person to complain,"said the grave digger,bearing in mind all your blunders I've had to cover up." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Just sneaked a look at one of my Christmas presents; it's a bag of rice....must be from my Uncle Ben.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Girl gets e-mail from Dating Agency,- You have been on our books now for 3 years, Would you like us to try a week without the picture.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two little boys were paddling in the sea at Blackpool,
"Arn't your feet dirty," said one little boy. "Yes,"replied the other,"we didn't come last year. Definition of circumcision:that which cuts off the Jews from the Gentiles. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The Irishman died and went to Heaven.He knocked at the Pearly Gates,but no one answered.He knocked again and shouted:"Hey,let me in"I'm Paddy Murphy and I've been sent to Heaven."
Eventually St.Peter appeared and looked through the Gates at the Irishman and said "Go away---I'm not going to make stew just for one." Man:"My sister married an Irishman." Friend:"Oh,really?" Man:"No,O'Reilly." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
One tooth says to another tooth arn't I the lucky one, the dentist is taking me out tonight.
Jokes in crackers don't get any better do they:D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A Fireman walked into a chemist and asked to talk to the male pharmacist.
The women he was talking to said she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the shop,there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him. The fireman said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,and whatever it was he needed to discuss,he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The fireman then agreed and began by saying........ "This is tough for me to discuss,but I have a....Permanant Erection. it causes me a lot of problems,and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said....... "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned,she said......We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the shop...... A company car...... Five home cooked dinners a week....... A fully furnished apartment above the shop..... And £2000 a month in living expenses. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
"Robert!"shouted the editor of th local newspaper.
"Did you get that story about the man who sings bass and soprano at the same time?" "There's no story,sir"replied Robert,the young reporter. "The man has two heads." Man:"My dog has got no tail." Friend:"How do you know when it's happy?" Man:When it stops biting me." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
1 Attachment(s)
The Truth Hurts
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
The marriage of the two lighthouse keepers was said this evening to be on the rocks.
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Then there were the two worms in the graveyard making love in dead Ernest.
It's hard to keep a good girl down----but lots of fun trying. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An Irishman bought a pair of water skis---now he spends all his time looking for water with a slope.
When I met my boyfriend we were both rough and ready. He was rough--I was ready. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The German officer in command of the prison camp thought that it was Christmas Eve, he would set some of his prisoners free.He decided that the fairest way would be to ask each prisoner a question,and those who answered correctly would be allowed to escape.
The first prisoner to be interviewed was a British officer and the German officer asked:"In 1912 a famous ship collided vith an iceberg.Vot vos its name?" "The Titanic,"replied the British officer,and he was promptly released. The next prisoner was an American.The German officer asked:"in1912 der Titanic sank van it vos in collision vith an iceberg.How many lives ver lost?" "1,517,"replied the American,and he was set free. The third prisoner to appear was Jewish."In1912,"said the German."der Titanic collided vith an iceberg and sank vith der loss of 1,517 lives.Vot ver their names?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
One Yugoslav woman who was expecting her sixth child was horrified to read in the newspaper that every sixth person born in the world is Chinese.
Vicar:"You know,I pray for you every night." Young women:"Well,there's really no need----I am on the phone." :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
In the divorce court the judge frowned and said:"So Miss Brown,you admit that you stayed in a hotel with this man?"
Woman:"Yes, I do.But I couldn't help it.He deceived me" Judge:"Really?How?" Woman:"Well,he told the reception clerk I was his wife." Mistress:something between a mister and a mattress. :hehetable |
Re: Joke Of The Day
HO HO HO
A family are at the dinner table.The son asks his father,"Dad,how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father,surprised, answers,"Well son,there are three kinds of Boobs:In her 20s,a womans are like melons,round and firm.In her 30s to 40s,they are like pears,still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,they are like onions" "Onions?" "Yes,you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,"Mum,how many kinds of "willies"are there?" The mother,surprised,smiles and answers,"Well dear,a man goes through three phases.In his 20s,his willy is like an oak tree:mighty and hard.In his 30s and 40s,it is like a birch:flexible but reliable.After his 50s it is like a Christmas Tree." "A Christmas Tree?" "Yes-the root is dead and the balls are just for decoration." :hesoff: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The solicitor was reading Humphrey's will and had just come to the last paragraph."I always said I'd mention my dear wife Joan,in my will,"read out the solicitor."So,hello there,Joan!"
How to make an Igloo by S.K.Mow. How to make solid meals by C.Ment :hehetable. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Women are to blame for all the lying men do-they will insist on continually asking questions.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.Every now and then she has to stop to take a breath. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Some good jokes that you keep posting claytonx, keep them coming. Certainly puts a smile on my face
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
"Martha!"shouted frail little Sidney from his bed."I"m terribly sick,please call the vet."
"A vet?"queried Martha."Why do you want a vet and not a doctor?" "Because,"replied Sidney,"I work like a horse,live like a dog,and have to sleep with a silly old cow!" My girl friend says there are things a girl shouldn't do before 20.I'm not to keen on an audience either. No food by M.T,Cupboard :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The University lecturer was speaking to an audience of townspeople.He was attempting to prove there was a definate connection between happiness and the amount of sex in people's lives.
To help prove his point,he asked those in the audience who indulged every night to raise their right hands.Only five per cent did so,all laughing merrily. He then asked how many indulged about once per week,and seventy per cent raised their hands,smiling contentedly as they did so. Then people who indulged once every month were asked to raise their hands,but it was noticeable that these people neither laughed nor smiled. The lecturer felt that this proved his point-but to show how obvious this matter was,he asked those who only indulged once every year to raise their hands.A tall man at the back of the hall leapt from his chair,waving his hand and laughing loudly. The lecturer was astonished at this apparent contradiction to his lecture,and he asked the man if he could explain why he was so happy. The man replied:"Certainly. It's tonight! It's tonight!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
One female student to another:"the new tutor is gorgeous,isn't he.He dresses so well."
Second girl:"Yes,and so quickly,too." The art of striptease by Eva Drawsoff. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An Irishman was terribly overweight,so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day---And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you,you should have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irishman returned,he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! "Why ,that's amazing!" the doctor said,"Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded----"I"ii tell you though,be jaesuz,I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat"tird day." "From the hunger,you mean?" asked the doctor. "No,from the skippin." Horse ridding competitions by Jim Karna. :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Little girl:"Mummy,why are your hands so soft?"
Mother:"Because I always use Pixie Solid for washing my dishes." Little girl: "but why does it get your hands so soft?" Mother:"Because the money Pixie Solid pay me for this commercial enables me to buy an automatic dish washer." Home haircutting by Shaun Hedd. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
1 Attachment(s)
:d
|
Re: Joke Of The Day
The man in the front seat of the cinema was making groaning noises very loudly during a tender love scene on the screen.
"Shut up!"hissed the audience around him,but still the man continued making horrible noises. Eventually,the manager was called and he marched down the aisle until he came to the noisy man."Get up!"demanded the manager. "Oooooooh!Aaaaaaaargh!"shouted the man in reply. "Where are you from?"asked the manager. "F...Fr...."groaned the man"....from th...the balcony." Outsize Clothes by L.E.Fant. :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The air hostess was being interviewed by her boss."Tell me,what would you do if you found yourself in a shallow dive?"
Air hostess:"I"d drink up and quickly get out." She started licking my cheek tenderly.I said:"Do you love me?"She said:"No--but I need the salt." :hesoff: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The vicar was passing the local pond when he heard a little voice.He looked around,but could see no one.But the voice continued. Then he saw a frog sitting near the edge of the pond. The frog told the vicar that he had been turned into a frog by a wicked witch
The vicar was naturally horrified and asked the frog what he could do to help.The frog said that he was really a ten year old boy and all the vicar had to do to remove the witch's spell was to take him home and put him in the vicar's nice warm bed. And that, m'lud, concludes the evidence for the defence. Her boyfriend only had one fault.He had Tarzan eyes--- They swung from limb to limb. :hehetable |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Talking to my mate last night about our mother-in-laws.
'My mother-in-law's an angel' he said. 'You're lucky, mine's still alive' I replied. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A group of chaps,all age 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous,with tight mini skirts,great legs,nice bums and beautiful full breasts.
Ten years later,at age 50,the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60,the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. Ten years later,at age 70,the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator. Ten years later,at age 80,the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. My brother was badly beaten up recently fighting for his girlfriend's honour.She wanted to keep it. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A drunk came across a man doing press ups in the park,so he said:"Excuse me,I think someone has stolen your girlfriend."
The old flea was travelling to the cinema on his snail when he was overtaken by a young flea tearing along on a slug. "What has happened to your old snail?" asked the old flea. "Oh,"shouted the young flea,gradually disappearing into the distance,"I thought I"d part exchange it for a convertible." :hehetable |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The scene is a law court.The prosecution counsel faces the female witness and rasps:"It is true you committed adultery on the 18th of June in a snowstorm while riding on the roof of an automobile travelling at ninety miles an hour through Slough with a one-iegged dwarf waving a Union Jack?"
The youg woman in the witness box looked straight at the prosecuting counsel and said calmly:"What was that date again? :alright:" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Man,snuggling up to girl:"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
Girl,pushing man back and looking at him carefully:"You might be--your face looks familiar." :hehetable |
Re: Joke Of The Day
"What are you doing in the cellar,chidren?"
"Making love" "That's nice.dears.Don't fight." "My mother made me a homosexual." "If I send her the wool,would she make me one too?" :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Patient:"give me a kiss nurse."
Nurse:"no." Patient:"Please give me a kiss nurse." Nurse:"Certainly not." Patient:"Go on nurse,kiss me!" Nurse:"No,sir--and I'm not even supposed to be in bed with you." Neck Exercises by G.Rarff. :hesoff: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A young girl was entertaining a rather amorous boyfriend at her home one evening."If you kiss me again," she warned,"I"ll have to call a member of my family."
Her boyfriend kissed her passionately. "Bro-ther,"she murmured. Outsize clothes by L.E.Fant. :hehetable |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Estate agent to young house hunting couple:"First you tell me what you can afford.Then we'll have a good laugh about it and go on from there."
My sister had to give up her last boyfriend because he was tall,dark,and hands. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two men were climbing a particulary difficult mountain when one of them suddenly fell down a crevasse 500 feet deep.
"Are you alright Bert?" called the man at the top of the crevasse. "I'm still alive,thank goodness,Fred,"came the reply. "Here,grab this rope,"said Fred,throwing a rope down to Bert. "I can't grab it" shouted Bert,"My arms are broken." "Well,fit it round your legs." "I'm afraid I can't do that either,"apologized Bert."My legs are broken." "Put the rope in your mouth,"shouted Fred. So Bert put the rope in his mouth and Fred began to haul him to safety. 490feet...400feet...300feet...200feet...100feet... 50feet...and then Fred called:"Are you alright Bert?" "Yea-h-h...h...h...." :alright: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An old man, Mr Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. "Yes,Nurse,"said Mr Wallace. "My Private Part died today,and I am very sad". knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied "oh, im so sorry, Mr Wallace. Please accept my condolences". The folowing day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pajamas He met nurse Tracy. "Mr Wallace, "she said, you shouldnt be walking down the hall like that. "Please put your private part back inside your pajamas". "But nurse Tracy, i cant", replied Mr Wallace " i told you yesterday that my private part had died". "yes, "said nurse Tracy "you did tell me that, by why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well," he replied," Today is the viewing." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while,one guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly," Yes,that I am!" The first guy says,"so am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers "I"m from Dublin,I am." The first guy responds so am I!"Sure and begorra.And what street did you live on in Dublin? The other guy says,"A lovely little area it was.I lived on McCleary street. The first guy says,"Faith and it's a small world so did I! And to what school would you have been going? The other guy answers,"Well now,I went to St Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited and says ,"And so did I Tell me,what year did you graduate? The other guy answers in 1964 The first guy exclaims, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.Can you believe it.I graduated myself from St Mary's in 1964 About this tine Vicky walks into the bar,and sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender,walks over to Vicky,shaking his head and mutters,"It"s going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks,"Why do you say that Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. There mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson "If Jesus were sitting her, he would say,"let my brother have the first pancake I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,you be Jesus !" "Why are you so angry?" "Because it's all the rage. :hesoff: |
Re: Joke Of The Day
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked pretty good for a 60 year old,in fact she wasn't to bad at all,and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit(well more than a bit) we had a snuggle,and she asked me if I had ever had a "Sportsman's double?"What's that?" I asked."It's a mother and daughter threesome"she said."Oh."I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,"No,Ihaven't"And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more,then she says with a wink that tonight 'was my lucky night' Iwent back to her place. We walked in,she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom you still awake?" "I don't know what to make of him." "What about a standard lamp." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
"Mummy,mummy!The milkman's at the door.Have you got the money--or shall I go out and play.
'Say when dear.' 'After the drinks,darling.' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
There biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together,the husband was the first to die. True to his word,he made the first contact:"Marion...Marion" "Is that you Bob?" "Yes,I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well,I get up in the morning,I have sex.I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again,bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud-- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.After supper,it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." "Oh,Bob are you in heaven?" "No..........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
"Did he have a weakness for ladies?"
"No a great strenght" "Boy, you should have seen the stripper at the club last night.That unbelievable 55-26-37 figure..." "What kind of dance did she do?" "Well, she didn't actually dance--it was more like she crawled around the stage and tried to stand up." What do you call a camel with three humps?--- Humphrey. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A missionary went to a remote part of the world to teach some natives.On his travels he came to a small village where he decided to make a speech.It went something like this:
Missionary:"All men are your enemies and you must love your enemies." The natives raised their spears and shouted "Hussanga!" Missionary:"If a man should smite you,turn the other cheek." The natives raised their spears again and shouted "Hussanga!" Missionary:"Fighting is wrong--you must not fight." Once again,the natives raised their spears and shouted."Hussanga!" The missionary decided he had said enough for one day and as he made his way off the platform he said to the native nearest to him: "I think my little speech went down quite well,don't you? You all seemed to agree with it." "Hmm," said the native. "Mind you don't tread in the hussanga when you get off the platform." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Abe rushed round to Samuel's house,extremely distressed."De most terrible thing just happened.I meet my son off de plane and he says to me,"Papa,"he says,"I"ve been converted. I'm a Christian."'
Samuel listened in silence then said,quietly,"Vell,de same thing happened to me.I,too,just met my son off de ship and he too has been converted.Vot shall ve do?" They decided to consult the rabbi but,alas his son had suddenly been converted.So in desperation, the three men went to the synagogue and prayed as they had never prayed before. After a while there was a great crash of thunder and a voice boomed: Gentlemen,you know vot? I had de same trouble myself. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A very attractive young girl was about to enter the church in a topless dress when the vicar ran towards her. "I"m very sorry,madam ,"said the vicar,"but I cannot possibly allow you to go into the church like that."
"But I have a divine right,"protested the young girl. "Yes,"agreed the vicar,"and you have a divine left,too,but I still cannot let you into my church like that." |
All times are GMT. The time now is 05:48. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.1
© 2003-2013 AccringtonWeb.com