Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Margaret you made ME laugh as I pictured the ‘explosion’. Couldn't help myself.

Taddy. as for where I get the jokes from, I get them sent to me by like-minded friends who agree that laughter is the best medicine and a good old chuckle never hurt anyone. Good to know you enjoy me passing these on.

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Dorothy, it was not a pretty picture with tea coming down my nose….still my nose is deep cleaned now courtesy of a tea shampoo.

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A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.”

Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

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Not sure, but this might be an old one – it’s still worth a chuckle….


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot." The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?” The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

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Oh Dorothy I love that one….and I have not heard it before!

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Apologies if this has been on here before.


A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went to town with Mum and Dad."
The farmer just stood there, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
the boy says, "I know where the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs.
I’m sorry but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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Guy arrives home very much the worse for wear. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "I've been at the opening of the new pub" slurs the hubby "the doors are gold, the bar is all gold, even the urinals are gold”. His wife puts him to bed but can't believe his story so the next day she rings the new pub. "Is it true that the doors are gold and the bar is all gold?”

"Yes madam they're covered in 24ct gold". "And is it true that your urinals are gold?" asks the wife. There is a long pause then she hears the guy at the end of the phone call out "Harry, I've got a lead on who pee’d in your saxophone last night".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

just heard of a joke told at this years Edinburgh fringe, When women gossip they get called bitchy, when men gossip its called a podcast.

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Isn’t that a sad indictment of the quality of ‘funnies’ told at the Edinburgh Festival…taken over by the woke ideology?
The really funny comedians cancelled because they do not subscribe to the woke gender issues….those where you can identify as a giraffe if you think you feel like one.

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Margaret I love it. Not the podcast joke which I don't think is at all funny, but your comment about the giraffe. Now that did make me laugh.

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I feel a bit like a giraffe but Mc Donald’s have taken them off their menu and anyway I would need someone to share it with me and David is off jungle meat.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[QUOTE=Margaret Pilkington;1273995]I feel a bit like a giraffe but Mc Donald’s have taken them off their menu and anyway I would need someone to share it with me and David is off jungle meat.

Sorry Marge but that is a bit beyond me, are you saying that Mc-Donald's actually used to serve Giraffe meat, or are you trying to take the Michael out of Taddy ? :confused:

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Oh dear Taddy…now come on…be real.
When I say that I feel like .giraffe….well it has to be a funny.
I am five foot and half an inch…so I would be a pocket giraffe…and as to Maccy D’s…you don’t really think they have ever served giraffe meat do you?
I was being ‘fly’….yanking your chain, pulling your leg.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[QUOTE=Margaret Pilkington;1274002]Oh dear Taddy…now come on…be real.
When I say that I feel like .giraffe….well it has to be a funny.
I am five foot and half an inch…so I would be a pocket giraffe…and as to Maccy D’s…you don’t really think they have ever served giraffe meat do you?
I was being ‘fly’….yanking your chain, pulling your leg.

If you had said that you feel like (a) Giraffe and not feel like Giraffe, then maybe I would have twigged but fair play to you for catching me out,:D

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Sorry Marge, after reading your post again, you did say feel like a Giraffe, I must get a new pair of glasses

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Yes Taddy you must...and maybe it is time to get your 'giggle switch' re-calibrated too.
Maybe a jiggle caused your giggle switch to get a bit out of line. (and please do not take that to mean anything a bit lewd...I wasn't referring to a bedroom jiggle, just a bit of a bumpy ride on the bus)

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Wife asks husband to take a large bag of clothes to the charity shop.
he asks her 'Why don't you just put them in the bin@
Because some poor hungry person might get some use out of them she tells him.
He says to her 'Anyone who fits into your gear isn't poor of hungry'

The man is currently in the local ICU, badly beaten, unconscious and being ventilated.

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The Secret of Life…..

A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up
to her and said 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret?'
'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On week-ends I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.'
'That is absolutely amazing, how old are you?'
'Twenty-four' she replied.

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a bride gets home from honeymoon and straighaway rings her mother.
The bride is in tears, distraught.

Her mother asks what is wrong.
The bride says the honeymoon hotel was wonderful....with many romantic candle-lit dinners.
The sea was blue the sand was soft and white.That it had been an idyllic hideaway.

'So then what went wrong?' asks the mother.
'Well when we got back in the car to come home, my husband became horrible....using lots of four letter words'.
'Like what? asked the mother.
The bride says 'Work, dust, wash, iron.and cook!...so can I come home?'

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Harry stumbled home after a stag night...he went upstairs and slid into bed next to his wife.
He closed his eyes and when he opened them he saw a tall man in religious robes stood by the side of the bed.

'Who are you' he asked.
'St Peter' said the man.

'Oh no' said Harry. 'Don't tell me I am dead. I am much too young to die.
please let me go back to my life. I promise I will do anything'.

St Peter looked at him and rubbed his chin. he looked at his clipboard and ran his finger down the list.

'OK' he said 'but you have to go back as either a dog or a chicken'

Harry did not fancy being a dog...being fed dry biscuits...sleeping out on the porch.
'I'll go back as a chicken...how bad can that be?'

St Peter clicked his fingers and Harry landed in the hen coop.
Pretty soon the rooster was cosying up to him. 'I heard there was a new Chick in the coop, that must be you...right?'

The rooster asked Harry if he knew how to lay eggs. Harry shook his head.
The rooster said it was very easy as all the hens did it.

Soon after this Harry felt a pressure in his nethers and had the urge to push...so he did and there was a very large brown egg...no sooner had he parted with that than he felt the same sensation...he pushed again and dropped another brown egg.

Then came the cry of his wife...'Harry, HARRY, wake up you are crapping all over the sheets'

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Why have Elephants got Big Ears? Coz Noddy won't pay the ransom...

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What does a perverted frog say? Rub-it

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My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

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I bought my friend a cheese grater for her birthday. She said it was the most violent book she'd ever read.

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I just found out that I'm colour blind. The news came out of the purple.

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Ryewolf...I know they are oldies...but they still made me chuckle. Well done and MORE please.

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a chap comes home from work. The front door is wide open. The car door is unlocked.
There are toys all scattered in the hallway and he treads on a toy car and goes flying.

In the kitchen there is washing up in the sink, spilled cornflakes on the counter top, a puddle of spilled juice on the tiles.

He looks into the back garden and the children are still in their PJs and are out there playing in the mud.
He goes upstairs and into the bathroom...someone has had a wee and missed the toilet, there are wet towels all over the floor...the toilet roll is unravelled, the sink is full of dirty water.

He rushes into the bedroom thinking his wife must be sick, but there she is lying on the bed, reading a novel and eating chocolate.
He says to her 'What on earth is going on? You should see the mess the house is in@

She looks up at him and says @every day when you come in from work you ask me what I have been doing all day.
Well, today I didn't do any of it!

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A young blonde women is fed up of everyone thinking she is a blonde Bimbo.
She goes to the hairdressers and has her hair dyed a lovely shade of conker brown.

A couple of days after this, she is passing a field where a shepherd is dealing with his sheep.
She says to the shepherd 'I bet I can tell you how many sheep you have in this field.'

'Go on then@ says the shepherd...'and if you get it right you can have a sheep to take home'

The girl looks for a couple of minutes and tells the shepherd there are 98.

The shepherd looks amazed and tells her to pick a beast...so she does.

she is about to leave when the shepherd shouts her back.
He says to her 'if I can tell you your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?'

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I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.... Not Happy.

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I got fired from the bank today. A woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her.

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My dog accidentally ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. So I took him to the vet. No word yet.

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I haven't talked to my wife in seven years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

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To the guy that invented zero, thanks for nothing.

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My son asked me what it was like to be married. So I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I said why are you ignoring me?

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My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats. But honestly, I'm not a fan.

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At the age of 65 my Grandma started walking 10 miles a day. She's 92 now and we have no idea where she is...

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My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no R in it. I said no way!

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What do you call a nun who sleep walks? A roaming Catholic.

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Ryewolf, please take it as read that I laughed at all these one-liners. I enjoyed the lot of them. Very witty.

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Me too Dorothy….they made me chuckle.

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Why doesn't Elton John eat lettuce? Coz he's a Rocket Man...

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Two goldfish were in a tank together. One said to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?

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Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He said dad can't you just a sponge?.

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My doctor told me I'm at risk of heart disease cuz I eat to much sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

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This morning I was at a job interview and the manager handed me a laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me". So I put it under my arm, left, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "I want my laptop back." I said £200 and it's yours."

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out.

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If math is mathematical, and quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

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If Nuns live in a nunnery, why don't Monks live in a monkery?

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The garden of Eden was a lovely place.
Adam and Eve were very happy for a while.
Then Adam started disappearing for hours at a time.
He would be missing from sun up to sundown.
Eve did not like this and the snake took a chance to stir up some mischief.
He whispered into Eve’s ear ‘Eve, he has another woman on the go. You need to tackle him’

So that evening when Adam came home whistling.
Eve stood there, grim faced and arms folded, she asked ‘have you got another woman Adam?
‘Don’t be daft Eve, there are no other women here’.
They went to bed and during the night Adam felt some sharp pains in his ribs.
He sat up and found Eve poking him in the ribs with her sharp fingernails.
‘What on earth are you doing Eve’ he asked.
‘Counting your ribs!’ said Eve.

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An elderly man is walking home at 2am in the morning.
A patrol car stops close to him and asks where he is going in the middle of the night.

'Officer I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the body'

'Oh really sir and who would be giving this lecture at this hour?'

'THE WIFE' says the elderly man.

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A fifty four year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
During her stay she had a cardiac arrest and a met God.
'is my time up' she asks God.
God tells her that she will live for another 33years, eight months and six days.
When she has been resuscitated and is recovering...she asks if she can stay in hospital...for a face lift.

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Dolly and Ruby, two old ladies were sat having a coffee and discussing their grandchildren.
Ruby tells Dolly that every year she sends her grandchildren a lovely card for their birthday....and puts a generous cheque in with the card.
She tells Dolly that she never receives any thanks for her gift...in fact she rarely hears anything from them.

Dolly tells her friend that she does exactly the same thing but always gets a phone call a couple of days after they get the card.
Ruby is amazed and asks 'How come'?
Dolly tells her that she always 'forgets' to sign the cheque.

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How do you know when you're on Accrington Web Forum? All the Accy Stanley Football Threads.

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What do you call an Afghan virgin? Never bin-laid-on...

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How do you get a country girls attention? A tractor....

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It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV and it said "Built in Antenna". To be perfectly honest IDK where that is.

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I can't understand why my calculator stopped working. It just doesn't add up.

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Do you want to know the German word for consipation? farfrompoopen... Well I just learned the German word for bra... Stoppemfrumfloppen.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

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Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute." Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."

Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replied, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?” The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?” The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob" she said.. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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The oldest computer in the world was an Apple.
It was owned by Adam and Eve…it had a very poor memory….1byte and it crashed.

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A woman goes to a psychiatrist.
Her complaint is that she is being harassed to marry by her parents.
This is causing her a deal of stress.
She tells the psychiatrist that she sees no need to marry.
She is educated, has a good job, a home is financially solvent, has lots of friends and a wide variety of interests.
She asks the psychiatrist ‘What possible advantage would there be in having a husband?’

The psychiatrist is silent for a little while then he says to her
‘Your life right now is just how you want it, but life can change suddenly.
You may lose your job, your friends may desert you, your plans won’t always work out….you need someone you can blame….that’s why you need a husband’

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A naked chap is walking down the road with a woman on his back.
A chap across the road greets him and asks him where he is going.
‘A fancy dress party’ says the naked man.
‘What are you going as?’ asks the chap.
‘A tortoise’ says the naked man.
‘Who is the woman on your back then?’asks the chap.
‘Oh that’s just Michelle’

Ok I’ll get my coat!

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Got home to find my kids have been on eBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow I'll lower the price.

My wife says I have two major faults. I don't listen and something else.

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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie? Coz Ken 'came' in a different box.....

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It's the Australian Football League Grand Final, the culmination of the football season, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. As it is close to start time he leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty". “This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1979".

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head and says "No, they're all at the funeral."

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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you…"

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

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A policeman just pulled me over.
He said 'Papers'.
I said 'scissors..I win!'
I think he must want a rematch...he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

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two dogs and a cat go to heaven...The Lord says to the Alsatian 'What do you think you can bring to Heaven?
'Lord, I can bring security. I will chase away the evil wrong doers'
the lord looks to his left and sees a little poodle.....he asks what the Poodle can bring to heaven.
'Lord I can bring love and loyalty. I will never let you down'.

Then the Lord looks at the cat and says 'what do you think?

The cat blinks slowly and says....'I think you are sitting in my seat!'

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A woman was suing the hospital.
She said that her husband had lost interest in her since his operation.

The hospital's defence;- We only corrected his eyesight!

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This is probably not politically correct but then neither am I. Apologies if anyone is offended by it, it’s a joke Joyce.


A blonde teenager wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted the girl quickly responded "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes” the girl replied “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lotus”.

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Dorothy, I have heard it before, but it still makes me laugh

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A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason." Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes?"

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A guy was traveling on the train, when a conductor came along and said “All Tickets Please.” The guy promptly gave him his ticket. The conductor then said “This is a child’s ticket.” The guy then replied “Sorry, but it’s not might fault if you are running so late!!!

Cheers

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here’s another silly one:
Why do deep-sea divers always sit on the edge of a boat, then topple over backwards into the sea?
↓
↓
↓
↓
If they toppled forward, then they would land in the boat!
Cheers

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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Somebody asked me where did your sister going hunting

I said Alaska.

He said nevermind I ask her myself....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?

No sun....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What has 5 toes but isn't your foot?

My foot....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ryewolf…I loved those joke…yes they were a bit corny, a bit Christmas Cracker…but they made me laugh…thank you.
I needed a laugh today.

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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y....

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A newly married young man had parts of his dismantled motor bike on the kitchen table.
His wife walked in and said to him ‘don’t you think you should sell your motor bike now we are married?’
The husband paled and said ‘You sound a lot like my ex wife’
‘You never said you had been married before’
‘I haven’t!’ he said.

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Another old one:
What do you get when a school teacher gets run over by a steam roller?





A holiday brochure!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”
And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Talking about lions:

A missionary working in Africa to spread the word of Christianity was one day walking alone in the bush. Although he had been told that it was dangerous to do so, he always replied “God is with me so I’m not afraid.”
On this particular day a pride of lions started to surround him and started licking their lips. He then turned to God and said “please turn these lions into Christians so they will not eat me.”
The huge male lion then said “for what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.

Cheers

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My wife said 'What, starts with F and ends with K", I said no it doesn't

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I warned my children about using their whistle inside the house. And I gave them one last chance. Unfortunately... they blew it.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My wife has always compared me to Zack Efron. She'll say you're nothing like Zack Efron.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My wife told me to stop being an idiot and just be myself. I told her to make up her mind.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That's ridiculous.. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'd like to thanks Miriam Webster for teaching me the meaning of plethora. It really means a lot.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

85% of Americans don't know how to do simple math. Thank God I'm part of the other 25%.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An old one but still funny!
A guy went into an Army & Navy Store and wanted to purchase a pair of camouflage trousers for hiking, but couldn’t see any, so left the store without any!
Cheers

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just decided to do something different. Instead of writing various jokes, just look at some of the jokes from the late Tommy Cooper, who was one of my favourite comedians:

https://www.gagajoyjoy.com/topic/the...me-of-his-best

Enjoy & Cheers

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I can hear him in my head delivering these jokes.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An old lady is in court for shop lifting.
She stole a can of peaches.
The magistrate asks her why she stole the peaches.
She tells him it was just an impulse and she has never done it before.
The magistrate asks how many peaches were in the tin.
‘Six’ she tells him.
‘Well in that case I will send you to prison for six weeks’ says the magistrate.
Her husband who is in the public gallery shouts out ‘she stole a tin of peas as well’

Well, it made me laugh.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man comes home from a hard days graft and finds his wife lying on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate.
He explodes with temper and says to her.
‘I am the master of this house. From tomorrow I expect to find a gourmet meal being cooked when I get home. That includes a delicious dessert.
Once the meal is over I expect you to wash the dishes, then run me a scented bubble bath.
I want you to scrub my back, wrap me in a warm fluffy towel, massage my feet, cut my toe nails.
And in the morning, who do you think will be laying out my clothes?’

The wife looks at him and says ‘I guess that just might be the undertaker’


Have a great day, all of you out there reading this….that means the two of you then!