Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There was a man-eating lion who was killed in one of the ancient Roman games.It had forgotten to wear its after-slave potion.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshire man:"Ayup,lad,I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet:"Is it a tom?"
Yorkshire man: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,"Nah then,lad,does tha sell arse cream?
Chemist replies,"Aye,Magnum or Cornetto?"
C

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Yorkshire's mans dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decided to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man:"Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller:"Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man:"No,I want it chewin' a bone,yer daft sod


Police have just released details of a new drug craze prevalent in Yorkshire night clubs.
Apparently,Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It was pouring with rain and the old man fell down dying,in the gutter.A man saw this and rushed up to help.
"What can I do? Where do you live? What's your name?"asked the man.
"Seamus O'Reilly," replied the old man. "I'm dying.
There's nothing you can do to help."
"But shall I fetch the priest?"
"No,fetch the rabbi."
"Did I hear you right?"asked the man."With a name like Seamus O'Reilly and an accent like yours,you want me to fetch the rabbi and not the priest?"
"Yes,"replied the old man."I wouldn't bring the priest out on a night like this."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The best selling writer was being interviewed about his career.
"It seemed to me after fifteen years of full time writing that I was absolutely hopeless and had no talent at all for writing."
"So what did you do?"asked the interviewer. "Decide to give up writing?"
"Oh,no!" replied the writer."By that time I was far to famous."

Did the coroner who lost his pub go on an innquest?

What has an I.Q.of 144?A Gross of Irishmen.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune.He had trained his parrot,after months of hard work to tell jokes.
At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work,so he took the parrot down to his local pub.
"This is my incredible joke telling parrot,"boasted Fred.
"Go on,"jeered the pub regulars."We'll give you ten to one that your parrot can't tell us a joke."
"All right,"replied Fred."I Accept your bet."
But try as he could,Fred was unable to make the parrot talk-let alone tell jokes.
Fred left the pub,dismally,having lost the bet.On the way home he shook the parrot and shouted:"What do you mean by keeping quiet you stupid bird?You made me lose a ten to one bet!"
"Ah!"squawked the parrot."Tomorrow you'll be able to get fifty to one."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The newly opened shopping centre had three tailors all with shops next to each other.As another coincidence,all three tailors were named Jacob Silverstein.
The first tailor put up a sign over his shop which proclaimed:'Jacob Silverstein-High Class Tailor.'
The second tailor put up a sign saying:'Silverstein-the tailor of distinction.'
The third tailor put up a smaller notice above his shop,but it said:'Silverstein's Tailors-Main Entrance.'

Blunderbuss:a coach load of spinsters on their way to a maternity hospital.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor:'Oh!Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant:'Yes,I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings,too but I find it very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'

Man:'I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my wife.'
Friend:'Did you have it put to sleep?'
Man:'No,of course not-I had its teeth sharpened.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of being in captivity they can train a man to stand on the very edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

The male flea said to the pretty female flea:'Come up and see my itchings.'

'Waiter!This coffee tastes like mud.'
'Well ,sir,it was ground only ten minutes ago.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Eskimo set off in his kayak when he met his Cockney Eskimo friend.The Eskimo said he was very cold and so he made a fire in the bottom of his kayak, but the kayak soon burst into flames and the Eskimo had to be rescued by his friend.
'Why did my kayak go up in flames like that?'asked the Eskimo.
'Simple!'replied his friend.'You can't hope to have your kayak and' eat it.'

'Now, how much would you like to contribute to the Indian Relief Fund,
Mrs Custer?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Wilhelmina was in the garden when she asked:'Dad-what are those two insects doing?'
'Well,'said her father,'you know what I told you about the birds and bees-that's what they are doing.'
'But they are not birds and bees.'
'I know-there called daddy-longlegs.'
'Oh!'said Wilhelmina,and paused to think about this for a while.Then she said:'So one is a mummy-longlegs and the other a daddy-longlegs.'
'No,'replied her father.'They're both daddy-longlegs.'
Wilhelmina thought for a while,then stamped on the insects.
'What did you do that for?'asked her father somewhat surprised.
'I'm not having that sort of thing in our garden,' said Wilhelmina,firmly.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

an arab goes into a restaurant in london an asks for fried sheeps testilcles,the waiter goes back into the kitchen with the order and gives it to the chef who thinks oh dear we hav'nt got any what can i do.The waiter says what about that dead dog that we saw lying on the road behind the pub,so they go and get it and serve the arab his dish,when asked if they were cooked ok and were good,the arab replied yes they were the dogs bo****ks.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Patient:'And when my right arm is quite better,will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor:'Most certainly-you should be able to play it with ease'
Patient:'That's wonderful-I could never play it before.'

'My dog plays chess with me.'
'That's amazing! It must be a really intelligent animal.'
'Not really.I've won three games to two so far this evening.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The fire engine careered around the corner,and sped off up the road,bells clanging,just as a drunk was staggering out of a pub.He promptly chased after the fire engine,but soon collapsed,exhausted,after only a few hundred yards,'All right,' he sobbed.'You can keep your rotten ice lollies.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man went for a brain transplant and was offered the choice of two brains-an architect's for £100 and a politician's for £10,000.
'Does that mean the politician's brain is much better than the architect's?' asked the man.
'Not exactly,'replied the brain transplant salesman, 'the politician's has never been used.'

She was only a police constable's daughter,but she let the chief inspector.

I've always believed in love at first sight-ever since I looked into a mirror.

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Teacher: 'I'll give this shiny apple to anyone who can tell me who was the greatest man in the world.'
Little David Cohen put his hand up and said:'It was Jesus,miss.'
Teacher:'Well done David-you're perfectly right.But I always thought you were Jewish?'
David:'So I am,miss.And you know and I know it was really Moses who was the greatest man in the world-but business is business.'

Why do birds fly south in winter?Because it's too far to walk.

Is a drunken ghost a methylated spirit.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The female student went to the end of the term ball taking two handkerchiefs with her,as she had a cold.One handkerchief she put in her handbag and the other she tucked down the front of her dress.
During the course of the evening she finished using the first and so tried to retrieve the second,but couldn't find it.
The University's Chancellor,sitting nearby and watching her with interest, was amazed to hear her remark:'I could have sworn I had two when I came in.'

At least my wife isn't two-faced.She can't be--otherwise she wouldn't wear that one all the time.

My husband is so thin whenever he goes to the park the ducks throw him bread.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A small boy says to his father ",Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son,go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad,dad,she said she would!She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son,"says his dad."Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off,and comes back saying "Dad,dad, she said she would too!"
So then is dad says "Right,son,now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad, dad!He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it,son,"said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poofter."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.Looking up to heaven he said,'Lord take pity on me.If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously,a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said,'Never mind,I found one.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.he quickley phoned his best friend Finney.

'Did you see the paper?'asked Gallagher.'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,'Okay,pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times,and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted,'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,Paddy went over to him and said,'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A middle-aged woman was on her way to the shops when she saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of whisky.The woman was appalled at this and rushed over to the boy and demanded:'Why aren't you at school at this time of day?'
'At school?' queried the boy,taking another swig at the bottle.'Hell,lady,I'm only four years old.

'What are you making.Tommy?'asked the woodwork teacher.
'A portable,'replied the small boy.
'A portable what?'
'I don't yet know,sir.I've only made the handle.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives,however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,so they stopped at the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to be down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it so she used that.
The girls the made there way home.
The next day,the husband of one of the women was concerned that his sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,so he phoned the other husband and said:'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.My wife came home with no panties!!'
'Thats nothing,'said the other husband,'mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said....
'From all of us at the fire station.We'll never forget you.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Walking into the bar,Mike said to Charlie the bartender,'Pour me a stiff one-just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie,'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied,'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,'said Charles,'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said,'Come out from under the bed,you little chicken.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus,who had been a seafaring gent all his life,to bury him a sea when he died.
Of course,in due time,he did pass away and the boys kept there promise.
They set off with uncle Seamus all stiched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says,'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his kness.
'This'll never do,Mick.Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly,so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy,'Do yer think this is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,'No this'll neva do.'The water was only up to his chest.
So they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

Wait for it
















'Aye'tis,
NOW hand me that shovel.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Wooden Ball
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The meanest Scotsman in the world was the one who fired a revolver on Christmas Eve outside the door,then came in and told his children that Father Christmas had committed suicide.

What does a Hindu? Lay eggs.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal,and asks the first man he meets,'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said,'I do,Father.'

The priest said,'Then stand over there against the wall.'

The priest then asked the second man,'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly,Father,'the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,'said the Priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said,'No,I don't Father.'
The Priest said,'I don't believe this.You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said,'Oh,when I die,yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said:'Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.
He's agonna try ana kiss you,you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try and kiss your b88bs,you are agonna likea dat too,but don'ta let him do that.
But most important,he's agonna try ana lay on topa you,you are agonna likea dat,but don'ta let him do that.doing thata willa disgraca the family.

With that bit of advice,the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
'Nonna,I didn't let him disgrace the family.When he tried,I just turned over,got on top of him,and disgraced his family

Nonna fainted!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An ancient Japanese General and an old British Major were talking.
'Why do you always win battles,whereas we always seem to lose all our wars,except the economic ones?' asked the Japanese General.
'Because we always pray to God before we go into battle,' replied the British Major.
'That's not so,because we also pray to God--but we never win.'
'Ah!'said the British Major,'but not everyone can understand Japanese.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

'I think the war between Israel and Egypt is about to start all over again.'
'What makes you think that?'
'Because the Egyptians are having all their tanks rebuilt with reversing lights.

The judge found the blacksmith guilty of forging.

My wife is so bandy she hangs her drawers over a boomerang every night.

I would't say my husband was stupid-but when he went to a mindreader they gave him his money back.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Newly married wife:'Darling,the women next door has got a coat exactly like mine.'
Husband:'I suppose that's a hint that you want a new coat?'
Wife:'Well it would be quite a lot cheaper than moving to a new house.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Policeman in witness box:'This woman came up to me when I was in plain clothes and tried to pass off this five pound note,m'lud.'
Judge 'Counterfeit?'
Policeman in witness box:Yes,m'lud,she had two.'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'You're a lady.'
'You're a lady who?'
'I didn't know you could yodel.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The magician on board a cruise ship used to do amazing tricks every night in the cabaret spot-but the captain's pet parrot always used to shout 'Phoney,phoney!'at the end of the magician's act.
One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank,but the magician and the parrot managed to cling to a piece of wood and float clear of the sinking ship.
After a few days of floating,the parrot turned an inquisitive beak to the magician and said:'O.K.,genius.I'm impressed,what have you done with the ship?'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'Irish stew.'
'Irish stew who?'
'Irish stew in the name of the law.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Married man:'In your sermon this morning,vicar,you said it was wrong for people to profit from other peoples mistakes.Do you really agree with that?'
Vicar:'Of course I do.'
Married man:'In that case,will you consider refunding the ten pounds I paid you for marrying me to my wife seven year ago?'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'Adolf.'
'Adolf who?'
'A dolf ball hid me in der moud and dat's why I talk fuddy.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into the air gave a cry of pain and anguish.'Sidney!'she screamed.'How many more times do I have to tell you that you cannot smoke in bed!'

'Knock,knock.'
'Who's there?'
'The invisable man.'
'Well,tell him I can't see him.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man rushed into a pub in a rather agitated state.'Does anyone here own a large black cat with a white collar?'he asked,somewhat nervously.Ther was no reply.
'Does anybody own a large black cat with a white collar?'asked the man again,raising his voice even higher above the general noise of the bar.But still no one answered his question.
'Oh dear,' muttered the man.'I must have run over the vicar.'

'The acoustics in this theater are fantastic.'
'Pardon?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Murphy,"I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of all me patients."
"Yes sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So Murphy,how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients."The first one had a headache so he did,so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad,and the second one?"asks the doctor.
"The second one had indegestion and I gave him Gaviscon,so I did sir"says Murphy.
"Bravo,bravo!You're good at this and what about the third one?"asks the doctor.
"Sir,I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman burts in so she does.Like a bolt outta the blue,she tears off all her clothes and lies down on the table and shouts :"HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!For five years I have not seen any man"
"Tunderin'lard Jesus Murphy,what did you do?"asks the doctor...
"I put drops in her eyes."

:alright:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Patient:'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested,will I get better?'
Doctor:'well lets put it this way-none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.'

'I've just lost my dog.'
'Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?'
'Don't be silly-my dog can't read.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A twin engine passenger plane has an engine failure and altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom.."I'm sorry it has come to this but we are going to have to jettison the luggage."
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.Once again the pilot gets on the intercom" I hate to do this but to save the majority we are going to have to start offloading some passengers.The only fair way is to do it alphabetically, "so we start with A are there any Africans on board?"There was no answer so the pilot said"Any Black people"again silence.
"C-coloured people?Are there any coloured people on board?
Still silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane tuned to his mother and said"Mum,aint we African? Aint we black? Aint we coloured"
She replied,"Yes,son but for the moment we is Niggers.Let them do the Muslims,if that don't work we is Zulus."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

'Who painted my horse blue?' yelled the angry cowboy entering the saloon.
Everyone was silent,then a massive cowboy stood up and admitted he had done the deed.As he looked up at the huge man towering over him the newcomer said softly:'Oh!I only wanted to know when you're going to give it a second coat.'

Man:'I want a dog licence please.'
Post Office clerk:'What name?'
Man:'Bonzo.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Mother's Love.

A little boy said to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and your white?"
His mother replied," Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party,you're lucky you don't bark."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Susie, in the first year,goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom:"You should say No-they only want to look at your undies."
Susie:"I know they do...that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three Irishmen were walking along a road when a young man in a battered sports car ran over them. He got out of his car and buried them in a field.Then he went to a police station to report what he had done.
'I'm terribly sorry officer,'he said,'but I've just run over three Irishmen and so I buried them in a field.'
'Are you sure they were dead?'asked the policeman.
'Well,'said the young man,'two said they weren't-but you know what liars Irishmen are.'

At the time of the French Revolution many people went completely off there heads.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The television company decided to make a program about successful business executives,so they called five of them into the studio to talk about there lives and how they managed to be so successful.
The first four executives all told of how they had fought to get to the top-four of them marrying their respective boss's daughter.But the fifth executive had had a really hard fight to become successful. 'Life was never very easy for me,'he explained.'I had to fight for everything and times were often difficult-but I just gritted my teeth,rolled up my sleeves...and got down to asking Dad to lend me another £50,000.'

A strawberry was reported today to be in a bit of a jam.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Jacob was dying and the family gathered around his bedside.
'Mama,'he whispered.
'I'm here,Jacob,'she replied.
'Rachel,'he sighed.
'I'm here,Papa.'
'Isaac!'
'I'm here,Papa.'
'Levi?'he coughed'
'I'm here,too,Papa.'
'Then,'he wheezed,'who the hell is minding the shop

As from midnight on Thursday,under a new pay award,barbers are to get fringe benifits.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It was one of the strangest looking dogs they had ever seen at the pub,and the regulars found it a great topic of conversation.
Eventually,one of them sidled over to the dogs owner and said:'That's a stupid looking dog you've got there.Can it fight?'
'Sure,'replied the owner.
'Well,'said the man.'I bet you five pounds that my labrador can beat your dog.'
The owner accepted the bet and the labrador was led in to fight.After twenty two seconds the labrador lay dead on the floor.The loser,looking down at his dead dog,shook his head sadly and said:'Your dog can certainly fight.But I still think its a funny looking dog.'
'Yes,'agreed the owner.'And it looked funnier until shaved its mane off.'

It wasn't until after I married my wife that I discovered she was really a redhead-no hair,just a red head.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My wife,besides being rather fat,is incredibly bossy-always telling people what they should do.One day she was on a bus and had just settled down and got comfortable in he seat when she saw that the only standing passengers were three middle-aged women.
My wife turned to the man sitting next to her and said,in a very loud voice:'If you were a gentleman,you'd get up and let one of those women sit down.'
'If you were a lady,' said the man,'you'd get up and let all three of them sit down.'

A compass has recently complained of going round in circles.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man is dragging a large box along the pavement when he suddenly stops outside one house and knocks at the door.
The door is opened by a woman,and the man asks: 'Are you Widow Jones?'
'My name is not Widow Jones,'replies the woman, 'Its Mrs Jones.'
'Wait till you see what I've got in this box,'says the man sorrowfully.

A hymn has recently been dedicated to a Birmingham corset factory. It is 'All Is Safely Gathered In.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The little boy had just returned home after an outing with his father.'Well,dear,how did you like the zoo?'asked the boys mother.
'Oh,it was great!'replied the boy.'And Dad liked it too especially when one of the animals came racing home at thirty to one.'

I wouldn't say my wife was promiscuous, but she;s been picked up so many times she's begining to grow handles.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A blond gets a job as a sports teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone,while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
She asks him 'You ok?'
'Yes.'he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.'he replies with annoyance.
'Why?'asks the blond.

The boy says:'Because I'm the flipping goal keeper!!'

I recently bought a baby car-it doesn't go anywhere without a rattle.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,'he mumbles from behind the mask,'are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies,'I don't know,Sir.I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again,'Nurse,please check for me.A my testicles black?'
Concerned that it might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicals,she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown,holds his manhood in one hand and his testicales: in the other.
She looks very closely and says,'There's nothing wrong with them,Sir.They look fine.'
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her,and says very slowly,Thank you very much.That was wonderful.Now listen very,very closely
Are-my-test-results-back?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,"Sir,I don't wish to interfere with your private grief but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two little boys are in a hospital,lying on beds next to each other,outside the operating room.The first kid leans over and asks,'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says,'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says,'You've got nothing to worry about.I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa,good luck with that one,buddy! I had that done when I was BORN....Couldn't walk for a year.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three dead bodies turn up at a Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body:Pierre Dubois,Frenchman,60,died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.Hence the enormous smile,Inspector',says the Coroner.
'Second body:Hamish Campbell,Scotsman,25 won £50,000 on the lottery.Spent it all on whiskey.Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked,'What about the third body.'

'Ah,'says the coroner,'this is the most unusual one.Paddy Murphy,Irish,30,struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?'inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said' Martha soon we will be married 50 years,and there's something I have to know.In all of these 50 years,have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied,'Well Henry,I have to be honest with you.Yes,I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years,but always for a good reason.'
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession,but said' I never suspected.Can you tell me what you mean by,good reasons?'

Martha said,'The very first time was shortly after we were married,and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said,'I can forgive you for that.You saved our home,but what about the second time?'
Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick,and we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night,if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'

'I recall that,'said Henry.'And you did save my life,so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.

'All right,'Martha said. So do remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?'

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today,is those mobile phones that everyone has clipped on to their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth,I think.
You know,I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that when you get to a certain age people avoid you anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans! Not milk cartons.
I've got that dreaded furniture disease.That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I was thinking about how people seam to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me,they were studying for their finals.
As for me,I'm hoping God grades entries on a sliding scale.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

On a train from London to Manchester,an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

'You English are to stuffy.You set yourselves apart too much.You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood,French blood,a little Indian blood,and some Swedish blood.What do you say to that?'

The Englishman replied,'Awfully sporting of your mother,old chap!!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It was Postman Pat's day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail in all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house he was greeted by the whole family who sent him a his way with a cheque for £50
At the second house he received an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third gave him a bottle of 15 year old scotch.
At the forth he was met at the door by a dumb blond in her lingerie.She took him up to the bedroom and there she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced, then she fixed him a full English breakfast.
As she was pouring him a cup of coffee he noticed a £1 coin by his saucer
He inquired what's the £1 for
'Well,'said the blond,I told my husband that this was your last day and that we should do something special for you.' I asked him what I should give you.'
He said, ;;;;;; him,Give him a £1

She smiled shyly and said,'The breakfast was my idea.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Yesterday,Five hundred men walked out of the steel mill while it was still in operation. A union spokesman said they had to strike while the iron was hot.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After a long and successful life, Barack Obama dies peacefully in his sleep. Having spent his life in politics and law, he goes straight to hell. This causes a problem for the devil, as he is short of room. He tells Obama that he will have to take the place of someone already there; however, he can choose who he replaces. His choice will go to heaven. Satan shows Obama a room in which Ted Kennedy is swimming in a pool. For all eternity he has to dive, surface, dive again ..... etc. Obama, not a good swimmer, nixes this one and is shown another room in which Al Gore is breaking rocks with a massive hammer. Not really impressed, he is shown a room in which Bill Clinton lies tied to a huge bed, handcuffed to the frame. With him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she is famous for. Obama says, "This is the place for me". "Are you sure," asks the Devil? "Certain", says Obabma. "Ok," the Arch-Fiend says, after which he turns to the bed and calls out: "Monica, you can go now."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A little boy gets a train set for Christmas.
One day he is in the lounge playing with his new toy and his mother is listening from the kitchen when she hears the train come to a stop and her little boy says,

"Right all you assholes that are getting off the train Get Off, and all you assholes that are getting on Get On"

The shocked mother goes into the lounge and says to the boy, " Go to your room and don't come out until you can talk nicely "

Two hours later the little boy comes out from his room and begins to play again .This time when the train stops the mother hears the little boy say,

"For all those that are disembarking we would like to wish you a pleasant onward journey"

"And for all those embarking this service we do hope you enjoy your trip with us today"

Upon hearing this the mother begins to smile, that is until she hears the little boy add,

"And for all passengers that are ****ed off with the two hour delay, please address your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

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Three balloons lived in a house, Daddy, Mummy and Baby Balloon

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon, "look son, your too old to be sleeping in our bed anymore, you have to sleep in your own bed", baby balloon says, "I like sleeping with you and Mummy though" "Your not sleeping with us and thats final! " responds Daddy balloon.

Anyway, that night baby balloon wakes up and feeling a bit scared as its dark and creepy decides to climb in with Mummy and Daddy balloons. he tries to snuggle in between them but there just isn't room. Thinking hard for a minute, he gently unties daddy balloons knot and releases a little bit of air. Trying again he still can't get in between them so turning to Mummy Balloon he does the same again. This time he can nearly but not quite make it so he unties his own knot and releases a bit of his own air. Hooray! he fits and snuggles in and falls asleep.

Anyway, morning comes and they wake up. Daddy bear is livid! He takes baby Balloon aside and says, "Son, I'm really disappointed in you. You've let me down, you've let your Mummy down but worst of all, you've let yourself down!!!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Where did bears come into it? ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A dimensional door opened up & the Bear was drawn through the vortex to maintain the "3's" integrity within the joke. ;)

That or he just got it mixed up. :D

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A patient is at her doctor’s office after undergoing a physical examination. The doctor says, ‘I have some very grave news. You have only six months to live.’ ‘What can I do?’ cries the patient. The doctor replies, ‘Marry an accountant.’ ‘Will that make my life longer?’ asks the patient. ‘No,’ says the doctor. ‘But it will seem longer.’

Man Walks Into A Joke: The best Accountant jokes

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A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," the man replies. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the wife's funeral."

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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A German goes to a library asking for a book on war

The librarian says "Go away you lost the last two!"

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Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I
guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from
a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got
Male'

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A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
"What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his
name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your
name?"
I can't tell you my name because you will ! ;laugh at me." says the
black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is "Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I
had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They
should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite
Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will
be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. And one last point:
No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four
handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes
mistakes."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop, they were $70.
"Nuts to this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

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Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby, but he was born without ears. Mum and Dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention it’s ears or he would get a spanking.

Johnny looked in the cot and said “What a lovely baby, lovely feet, hands and skin. Hows his eyesight?”

The baby’s mother replied “it’s perfect”.

Johnny says “ That’s great he’d be in real trouble if he needed glasses!!”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Q)What did pink panther say, when he stepped on an ant?
A) Dead Ant, Dead Ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant....

(I'll get my coat)...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

“Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......"

They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I was in a pub on Saturday nite. I'd had a few, of course, and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had accents; so, I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them said, in a loud voice, "It's WALES you IDIOT!" So immediately I apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A couple of redneck hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing. His eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his cell phone and dialed 911. He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said in a calm, soothing voice, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he is dead." There was silence, then a gun shot. The guy came back on the line and said, "Okay, now what?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A manwas riding on a bus,minding his own business,when the woman sat next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it,so she said,

"Come on,eat it all up or...I'll have to give it to this nice man her."

Five minutes later,the baby was still not feeding,so she said,

"Come on ,honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later,the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on ,kid. Make up your mind
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."

"When your Dad is mad and asks you,'Do I look stupid?'dom't answer."

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."

"Stay away from prunes."

"Never pee on an electric fence."

"When your Mom is mad at your Dad,don't let her brush your hair."

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."

"You cannot hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."

"If you want a kitten,start asking for a horse."

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a cricket bat."

"Never try to baptize a cat."










2

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,and chest.
After a few minutes,Larry asked,"Dad,why are you doing that?"
His father replied," Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry,looking worried,said,"Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom......"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

John (The) Lord Prescott has lost in Humberside.:mosher::mosher::mosher:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Probably cos yeh moved again.:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Some US states recently legalised gay marriage and marijuana on the same day.
Leviticus 20:13 – “if a man lays with another man, as with a woman, he should be stoned.”
It all makes sense now. We’ve just been interpreting it wrong.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man came to visit his grandparents,and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt,with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa,what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,'Well.....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I called the RSPCA today and said "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs"
"That's terrible", she replied, "are they moving?"
"I'm not sure to be honest", I said, "But that would explain the suitcase"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork,from London
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000 a year.

Whe they arrived in Cork they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said 39 Euros.

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here as it cost £2000 in England!
The agent turned to his computer screen to the couple and said,'Well, here it is on the screen,it says;
Any wooden structure,with a sprinkler system over it, is 39 Euros

Always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

According to the Mayan Calendar the world ends today.... but if you stand next to Sir Alex Ferguson you'll get an extra 10 minutes.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Change ??"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My racing snail has been a little slow of late so I took his shell off to improve his aerodynamics.
It hasn't really worked though :mad:
If anything he's a little sluggish !

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A few from the late Frank Carson.
The grim reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Mate of mine recently admitted to be

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Will try again using the key board.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him he reckoned he could stop at any time.

Statistically six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up.

The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Him - fancy a bit of how's yer father tonight ?

Her - we can't, it's lent.

Him - Well get over there & tell' em you want it back !

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."


Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.


She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.


She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A few more from Frank Carson (its the way I tell um ) to make you smile

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself.they've lost the plot.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe "that 2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

Re: Joke Of The Day