Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How do these people survive?


ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,'
was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.


TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid
her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do
you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into
my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,
too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it
and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk.'


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.


SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.'
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'


EIGHT
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency!


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

whats the highest mountain in liverpool?



killamanforagiro :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man meets a girl in a bar. Hi luv, whats your name?
Carmen she replies because i love men and cars!!! Whats yours she asks
Well in that case my name is Charlie Beerfanny

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. The woman did as she was told.

Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

Worried the woman asked anxiously Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How Blonde Is She???
She was So Blonde:..............
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care centre.
At the bottom of an application where it says Sign here:she wrote Sagittarius.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football
game.

> At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the
> three
> women buy just one ticket.
>
> "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
> one
> of the men.
>
> "Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
>
> They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats
> but
> all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
>
> Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
> collecting tickets.
>
> He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please. The door
> opens
> just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
>
> The conductor takes it and moves on.
>
> The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so,
> after
> the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save
> some money.
>
> When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
> trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy
> any
> ticket at all!!
>
> "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
> man".
>
>
> "Watch and learn," answer the women.
>
> When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a
> toilet,
> and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
> Shortly
> after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and
> walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
>
> The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
>
> (I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter
> than
> women).

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Sick day
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'.
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'...And where do you think you're going?'


She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jesus Christ, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

THIS IS WHY "CLEAR" INSTRUCTIONS ARE NECESSARY!

There is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

DUCKS IN HEAVEN


[]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,

but

one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular

[]


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How many accywebbers does it take to change a lightbulb??

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb would have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals
section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 to post something completely off the topic of light bulbs
20 to flame the off-topic poster
1 to post broken links of light bulb images
5 to post the correct way to post images to the forum
1 to call the broken-link poster a “noob”
5 to flame the flamer for making this a light-bulb noob-unfriendly community
1 moderator to post to stop the flames before the topic is locked
10 to post about how the moderator is stomping on their right to free speech

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ok this is old but............


Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker:
I know what you have got for Christmas....
Luke skywalker replies: How do you know that?
Darth Vader answers:




I have felt your presents



hehehehe, well?!!! It is Christmas nearly!! :rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man walks into the bedroom to find his wife packing her bags.
"Why are you packing & where are you going" he asks.
"I'm leaving you & going to Australia tommorrow. I've heard I can get $400 a time for what I do for you!"
The following day the wife walks into the bedroom to find her husband packing.
"What do you think you are doing?" she asks.
He replies "I'm packing & coming to Australia with you. I want to see how you will get on on $800 a year!":cool:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

McVities are to honour world champion Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him in his F1 car on their new range of biscuits - Won On Wheels

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ronaldo has been questioned by the police following writing his Ferrari off on Thursday.
:hesoff: His statement blames the wall for not being 10 yards away!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that
the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's
father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very
much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for
starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before. But as the
labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent
pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then
checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her
husband were ecstatic.


When they got home they found the milkman dead on the
porch.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why,in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse, "I'm a professional with 20 years experience& I've never laughted at a patient."
Fred dropped his trousers to reveal ther smallest willie she had ever seen, length & width to match a AAA battery!
For 10 minutes the nurse rolled around on the floor in peals of laughter & finally, composing herself, apologised, said it wouldn't happen again.
"Now what seems to be the problem?" she asked.
Fred replied "It's swollen.":yelrotflm

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You made a mistake in your spelling, the original version of that joke had a g at the end of a certain word.

A play on the biscuits Wagon Wheels.

Retlaw.

:hidewall:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
> Christmas Party.
>
> He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
> Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into
> consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach
> plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
>
> He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
> saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
> table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked
> from the garden.
>
> He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no
> trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in
> through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also
> pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a
> black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
>
> As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus,
> he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was
> written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
>
> 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in
> today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed
> for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it
> easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I
> love you, darling! '
>
> He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot
> breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son
> was sitting at the table, eating.
>
> Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the
> previous night.
>
> 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
> mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
> puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
> door. '
>
> Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such
> perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and
> breakfast waiting for me?'
>
> His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the
> bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
> 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'
>
> Broken Coffee Table £250
> Hot Breakfast £3.50
> Two Aspirins 20p
> Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy is sat next to a muslim on the plane. stewardess says- would you like a drink sir? (Paddy) whiskey on the rocks please. pays for it, then she says to the muslim, would you like a drink sir? (Muslim) i would rather be raped by a dozen whores madam than let alcohol pass my lips, (stewardess) ok sir no problem, Paddy then passes his drink back to the stewardess n says-- i didn't know there was a choice.:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how he decided which patients should be kept in and which sent home.
The director said "We fill a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea-cup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath".
The visitor said "Oh i see, a normal person would choose the bucket , because its the biggest."
The director said "A normal person would pull the plug out . "
Would you like a bed near the window?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question" noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
And about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A scouser turns up at the pearly gates of Heaven wearing a Liverpool football shirt and L.F.C tatooed on his forehead... St Peter says "what do you want" scouse says "I want to get into Heaven" Peter says you won't get in here uless you did something really brave in your life because God don't like scousers"

Scouse says "I have done something brave.... I went to Old Trafford, pushed my way into the Stretford End and chanted...WE HATE MAN U"

Peter "well yeah that is really brave... when did you do that?"

Scouse says.."about 2 minutes ago"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Anyone who say's onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

adam and eve in the garden eve creeps up behind adam and puts her hands over his eyes and says guess who adam replies dont be so stupid

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After perusal of a publicatin called "The ultimate loo book" by Mitchell Symons I chanced upon this little grin maker "The Buffalo theory" so I checked it out online & here it is, enjoy :)

Bar Joke

The Buffalo Theory The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Canadian hockey fan goes to heaven. After getting over the surprise of being let in, he takes a guided tour. St. Peter shows him all the fun stuff available, and finally comes to an immense hockey arena. Inside, the local team, Heaven, are practising for an encounter with Hell, which will take place that night. Heaven's team, dressed in jerseys with an "H" surmounted by a halo, are skating around the rink. Over in the corner, however, is this one player, skating on his own and wearing a sweater with the letters "WG" on it. "Who's that guy in the corner" asks the Canuck?

"Oh," said St. Peter, "that's God. He thinks he's Wayne Gretzky."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A bloke walks into a butchers shop. He says to the man behind the counter, "Have you got a sheeps head?" "No", replies the butcher "it's the way I comb my hair!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Snail walks into a pub and asks for a pint, landlord states that they dont serve snails and chucks him out..................................year later snail walks back into the pub and says "why did you chuck me out?"


:rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The rise in STDs in the over 50s is a terrorist plot.


Oh, so Ma been laid then?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy asks Murphy if he would like his pizza
cut into eight slices or six,

Murphy says 'six please, i don't think i could eat eight'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

mmmm I am sure I sent you that as a text :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

you did, one of hundreds you've sent me, it's a good job i didn't have any credit on Saturday, you'd have been in for it matey ;) there's only so many jokes you can send in a day and you over stepped the mark lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I do it to annoy you knowing you can't reply

Post the one about sparing £2, I lost wee when I read it.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

i deleted them all, Reece kept asking me what i was laughing at...on the metrolink going through Manchester

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . . 'zat is ze....






Four-sprung Duck technique!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I could spend all day reading these.... but i will save that for another day x

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Heard they have had to cancel the Christmas Pantomime in Bradford. was gonna do Jack @ Beanstalk. but got to fee fi fo fum, i smell the blood of n englishman..........and couldn't find one.:dflam:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'

You put down,

‘Neither do I’.“

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Like that last one lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Church with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile..

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old women! Their minds are always working!)



Be afraid of old women! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A tour bus full of noisy chavs from Church on a rehabilitation trip arrives at Runnymede.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, Damn, We missed it by a half hour!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Hi

Please please please - make yourself aware of where this is happening
AND tell your friends!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European'
scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of
shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough
to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking young men with foreign accents come over to
your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both
start
cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their
skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead
ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's. You agree
and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and
both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate,
one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you,
touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one
steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three
times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look
nicer.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How very true that is Neil was once talking to an elderly woman in our company and her take on sex at her age was

We don't Tell
We don't Yell
we done swell
and we're grateful:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army
for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels because everyone is high and can't be bothered.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Or, the dyslexic drug addict who choked on his own vimto! :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What has Sam Allardyce and Ashley Peacock got in common ?

Neither will be going to the Rovers Christmas do .

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Not really jokes as such but clearing some of the rubbish from the PC, I came across these, they may make you grin too !

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

hahaha, did you sit there and think then write it all down??retlaw?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

4 very good ones, the beer and make up made me chuckle like hell and the hazardous outlay is a cracker :-)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A nursery school pupil told his teacher
He'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?"
She asked her pupil.
"Because I pi**ed in its ear and it didn't move,"
Answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went "Pssst" and it didn't move"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The girls grammar school invited a polish world war 2 fighter pilot, wing commander Dabrowski to give a talk on his exploits during the battle of Britain and is introduced to the girls by the headmistress. Good morning assembly we are privileged to have wing commander Dabrowski to address use today. Thank you headmistress I am going to talk about a normal day back there during the Battle of Britain, we were on reconnaissance over the south coast when we spotted a bunch of Fockers at 1 o'clock, so following orders not to engage we banked to or left (the girls are tittering) only to run into another bunch of fockers (girls were rolling about laughing) the headmistress stands up and explains, what the wing commander is on about girls is the Focke Wulf was a German plane used in the war. The wing commander replies your quite right headmistress about the Focke Wulf the only thing is these fockers were Messerschmitts:D:D:D

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Just incase you find yourself stranded in Essex:-


How to speak Essex!




This is an invaluable guide......for those of you that are planning to venture into darkest depths of Essex .

A task not for the faint-hearted

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item



amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")



assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc



awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more
likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")



branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")



cort a panda - A rather large hamburger



Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")



eye-eels - Women's shoes



Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre



garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")



Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island



lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")



OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs



paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport



reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")



Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday



tan - The city of London , the big smoke



webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbatsis me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")



wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police



zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

"No Sir ” she answered, “ that's where the end of the queue is..."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man went into a library and said to the assistant:

"I want the recently published book about small penises, but I can't remember its name!"

The librarian replied "I don't think it's in, yet!"

The man replied "That's it!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
The structure of the wall was incorrect,
So Humpty got 10 grand off Claims Direct!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

lol.. blame claim culture

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Written by Justin lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Cristiano Ronaldo was going through Madrid airport the other day, when a fan asked him for an autograph.

"Do you have a pen?" asked Cristiano.

The fan suddenly fell to the ground clutching his leg, rolled over twice and got up in floods of tears.

"How's that going to get you a pen?" asked a puzzled Cristiano.

"It seems to work for you!" said the fan

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

teacher in class asking her students to say a sentence with the word contagious in it,susan says my brother has chicken pox and it is contagious,very good says the teacher,this goes all the way round the class till little johnny has to say something,little johnny is from the local council estate and he stands up and says my dad works for the council,he paints radiators and it takes the contagious, (THINK ABOUT IT)

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Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."

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A man goes to an oral surgeon to have
a tooth extracted. The dentist takes
out a syringe to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles".
the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing
gas and the man objects. "I can't do the
gas thing. The thought of having the gas
mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he
has any objection to taking a pill. "No
objection," the patient says. "I'm fine
with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's
a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it
will give you something to hold onto when

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Police today arrested an irishman with his penis stuck in a condom machine , when interviewed about it the police asked him why he did it his answer was well i read the instructions and it said put in £1 and push in knob.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Groove had roast pelican for his dinner whilst on holiday. It was ok, but the bill was enormous.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says: "Hey, weren't you in here tomorrow"?

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Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house
Paddy picks up a nail,realises it's upside down & throws it away
He carries on doing this until Murphy says,Why are you throwing them away?
"Because they're upside down" says Paddy
"You daft prat"replies Murphy,"save 'em for the ceiling"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
When she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself
She's going through the change.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just got back from my mates funeral.He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Knicked this one from Andy Rooney's article in praise of women over forty...(see link below)

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.:eek::D

Via Andy Rooney on Women Over Forty - DivineCaroline

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road
The first one picks it up and says,"Blow me i know dis face but i can't put a name to it"
The second picks it up and says "You daft fool it's me!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Quantum physicists make lousy lovers ... when they find the right position, they can't find the momentum; and when they find the momentum, they can't find the position.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

19 paddies go to the cinema,the ticket lady asks"Why so many of you?"

Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"Why are you in such a hurry?"
"I'm on the way to the doctor--i don't like the look of my wife
"Oh! Then I'll come with you-- I hate the sight of mine too."

"Do you come here often?"
"I'm your wife stupid!"

"Measles"
"That's a rash thing to say"

"I didn't come here to be insulted"
"Why--where do you normally go?"

"Do you ever talk to your wife when making love?"
"Only if she telephones"

"My mother made me a homosexual"
"If I sent her the wool,would she make me one too?"

"Do you smoke after making love?"
"I don't know,I've never looked."

"Understand you buried you wife last week?"
"Had to.....dead,you know."

"Mummy,there's a man with a bill at the door."
"Don't be silly,dear.It must be a duck with a hat on."

"Well,how do you find yourself these cold,winter mornings?"
"Oh,I just throw back the blankets and there I am."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I think it would be nice If a comment was posted ie Rubbish, Made me laugh,been posted before,Loved it

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You're right, i usually just read and have a chuckle -keep 'em coming Claytonx:D

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After a visit to a house of ill repute a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.

"That's serious" says the doctor. "You've heard that some boxers get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says the man seriously.

"Well" says the doctor,
"You've got brothel sprouts."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Retlaw I have (had) that for future more the merrier

Joke of the day
 

"What do virgins eat for breakfast?"

"I don't know"

"Huh! Just as I thought."


"Will the band play anything I request?"
"Certainly,sir"
"Then tell them to play dominoes"

Re: Joke of the day
 

Are the jokes not funny enough or not sexy enough

Re: Joke of the day
 

Just in the wrong place
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/f...-day-2647.html

Re: Joke of the day
 

Sorry Margaret don't know what you mean (they are in anything goes)

Re: Joke of the day
 

You should have added it to the thread already there.

Re: Joke of the day
 

Right now I understand just learning

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I have merged the threads

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"But Henry,it isn't our baby."
"Shut up--it's a better pram."

Woman, peering into a pram: "Isn't your baby small?"
Mother:"Well,I have only been married three months".

A young man was loudly lamenting to everyone in the bar
that is doctor had ordered him to give up haif is sex life.
"Which half are you going to give up?"asked a bored listener.
"Talking about it--- or thinking about it?"