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slinky 20-03-2006 14:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I bought an Irish crystal ball the other day, it tells me what happened last week.:D :D

Bazf 24-03-2006 16:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
What Did The Fish Say When It Swam Into A Wall?











wait for it........






http://forum.football365.com/blank.gifDamn
:not_ripe: :D :D

Busman747 25-03-2006 17:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and
tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The kid began his commentary as his parents put their
"plan" into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later...."Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! the father
cautiously asked, "How do you know they are
having sex?"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
popsicle, too.

MUMMIBOO 29-03-2006 11:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Little jonny goes to school one morning and says to his teacher:-

Jonny: I found a dead cat on my way to school miss.

Teacher: How did you know it was dead Jonny?

Jonny: 'cause i ****ed in its ear and it didn't move.

Teacher: Oh Jonny you did WHAT?

Jonny: Well i went pssst in its ear and it didn't move!

kazza 29-03-2006 16:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
That cheered me up lol:D

harwood red 06-04-2006 23:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Smart-Ass Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-Ass Answer #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-Ass Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-Ass Answer #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart-Ass Answer #1

The SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
"THE TEACHER "A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

Mik Dickinson 16-05-2006 05:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Another one:-
Subject: LOST IN TRANSLATION

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying
them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't
been left out. He has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro" says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet. I told you." says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your
Wheelie Bin?"

"OK-OK," says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having ****"

talentedbutslow 16-05-2006 10:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Vacuum Cleaner Salesman


A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man.

"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said.

"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

In addition, with that, he emptied a bag of ashes and dirt onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of the ashes and dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

talentedbutslow 16-05-2006 11:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Worst Day


Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, and that it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a try. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"


Gayle 18-05-2006 09:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

SPUGGIE J 20-05-2006 11:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Cortosey of an Auld Reekie Res.

U R A GLASWEGIAN If:



1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan Milngavie,
Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Ye get four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,
in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day
date

13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
Church/Chapel.

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips n
irn-bru,fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.

17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals

20. Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard these
words...

how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
a*** bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nuggit



-----



Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
justcame oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his
rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer
Ayrshire bacon?"


"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

Mik Dickinson 22-05-2006 20:51

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and

step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.



Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not

Bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and
heads

back to the showers.



He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a

statue.



The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun

Suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.



Startled, he drops a bar of soap.



"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her

theory

the second nun also pulls on his manhood.



Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.



Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice

And three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,

Then yells

.....





"Holy Mary, Mother of God ................ hand lotion too."

talentedbutslow 23-05-2006 19:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Home Early

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"


:eek:

Mik Dickinson 29-05-2006 18:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A red Indian called 'one stone' becuase of him being born with only one testicle was getting really brassed off at being greeted with ' hallo one stone' that he threatened to kill the next person who calls him 'one stone'
Squaw yellow bird did not know this and the next morning she leaves the t Pee and greets one stone:-
Morning one stone.Upon which one stone grasps her drags her off to the woods and bonks her silly until she dies.
Yellow bird, the sister of blue bird lives on but finds due to grief of her sisters death does not wish to live anymore.
The next day she walks past one stone and greets him by his name.
Again he grabs the squaw and rushes off to the woods but bonk as he might he could not kill yellow bird
The moral of the story is:-

You can just not kill 2 birds with one stone

shiny gem 30-05-2006 10:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
what's furry on the outside.....wet on the inside...
starts with a C.... has U and N in the middleand ends with a T..


yeah its a coconut! lol ;)

Mik Dickinson 31-05-2006 14:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I lay upon a grassy bank

> My hands were all a quiver,

> I slowly undid her suspender belt

> And her leg fell in the river

>

Mik Dickinson 31-05-2006 14:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Sorry the poem was from Paul MacCartney

Mik Dickinson 11-06-2006 07:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
My feet are killing me!"


Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor,
but it would not budge.


"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"


"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I
told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"


Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh,
God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"

Mik Dickinson 13-06-2006 07:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
>
>While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt
>and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and
>I would like this for my birthday."
>
>His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
>head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
>
>So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in
>hand and finds his mother.
>
>"Mum?"
>
>"Yes son?"
>
>"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
>this shirt for my birthday".
>
>The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
>twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
>
>Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
>
>"Dad?"
>
>"Yes son?"
>
>"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
>this shirt for my birthday."
>
>The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
>times and says:
>
>"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
>
>About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
>
>The father turns to his son and says;
>
>"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
>
>The son says,
>
>"Yes dad I have."
>
>"Good son, what is it?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The son replies,
>
>"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate
>you German B*stards"
>

Tinkerbelle 15-06-2006 22:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A polar bear walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says
"I'll have a pint and a"...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...


"packet of crisps please."


The barman says "why the big pause?"
The bear looked down and said "I dunno, I've always had them"

entwisi 05-09-2006 20:08

Re: Crikey!! (Steve Irwin)
 
In a recent interview Steve Irwin was asked, "what was your favourite
children's programme?" He replied," I used to love Thunderbirds but
will always have a place in my heart for Stingray"

After the fatal stingray attack on Steve Irwin Australian police said
they were looking for 5 puppets in a plastic submarine.

Jimmy Nail is to sing Crocodile Shoes at Steve Irwin's funeral.

Sting was the first choice but that was considered inappropriate.

AccyJay 06-09-2006 01:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Little boy asks his father for some help one day. Boy say's "dad, whats the differance between theoretically & reality"?

Dad replies "that easy son, ask your mother is she'd sleep with the postman for £1 million".

Boy goes off & asks his mother. On his return, father asks him what her reply was. Little boy says " she said that she would dad". Father then tells his son "now go & ask your sister if she'd sleep with the milkman for £2 million"

Boy goes off & asks his sister. On his return, father asks him what her reply was. Little boy says "she said that she would dad".

The father then says "now son, the difference is ...... theoretically we're sat on £3 million, but, in reality we're living with a couple of whores".

:not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe: :not_ripe:

talentedbutslow 19-09-2006 09:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
My Dad,s a Father.........

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.


The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."


The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."


The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."


The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."


The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.


The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.".


Bazf 19-09-2006 12:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A joke for busman.......:D

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"
:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38:

BLACKBURN RAVER 22-09-2006 17:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
a joke for bazf....


THE MERSEYSIDE DERBY :D :p

whatsupp 22-09-2006 19:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Fish swims into a wall...........DAMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: D

SPUGGIE J 02-10-2006 12:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why the price of petrol is so dear.


AN ENGINEERING MASTER PIECE
During the construction phase......
Dubai
...

http://uk.f866.mail.yahoo.com/ym/uk/...a&head=b&Idx=3


All finished. Notice the size of the palm trees outside..........

http://uk.f866.mail.yahoo.com/ym/uk/...a&head=b&Idx=3


Remember, this is in the middle of the desert.... The very HOT desert where temperatures get up to 120 degrees.....


The INSIDE view:




http://uk.f866.mail.yahoo.com/ym/uk/...a&head=b&Idx=3

http://uk.f866.mail.yahoo.com/ym/uk/...a&head=b&Idx=3

http://uk.f866.mail.yahoo.com/ym/uk/...a&head=b&Idx=3
So why do we pay �1.00 for a litre of unleaded?

So they can ski in the F#*@INGdesert!!!



WillowTheWhisp 02-10-2006 14:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I see no palm trees. I see no interior. :confused:

BLACKBURN RAVER 02-10-2006 14:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
i see a nice x though :D :confused: :confused: :rolleyes:

SPUGGIE J 02-10-2006 23:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Odd I see it no problem. :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

slinky 19-10-2006 23:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
2 fleas on a fanny. 1 is a burglar tother one is a Junki. How do you tell them apart??


The burglar is hidding in a bush.............

The junki is sniffing the crack.................:D

sorry!!!:o

SPUGGIE J 22-10-2006 11:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Subject: Fw: Satan

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan
asked.
"Nope,sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a
word?"asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the
calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said
the
old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44
years."

talentedbutslow 23-10-2006 12:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:




BUMP...








BUMP...







BUMP...











Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.







BUMP...









BUMP...









BUMP...










Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him









FASTER...









FASTER...










BUMP...











BUMP...










BUMP...









He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.














However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping











clappity-BUMP...









clappity-BUMP...










clappity-BUMP...









on his heels, the terrified man runs.









Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.



His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.










Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



















and,





























(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)
































The coffin stops!




BLACKBURN RAVER 25-10-2006 15:54

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A bloke goes out with his mates and has a few drinks.
at the end of the night he is feeling a little horny ,but true to his wife he goes home.
when he gets home she's sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets 2 aspirin and drops them in his wifes mouth.
she starts to choke but manages to spit them out and asks..

"what did you put in my mouth ? "

" 2 aspirin " he replies

" but i havn't got a headache " she says

so the bloke says ....


" WELL THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR "

SPUGGIE J 08-11-2006 08:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above
New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Shaquille
O'Neal, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal
oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the
passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and
the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is
that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are
four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw
open the door and jumped from the plane.

Shaquille O'Neal was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am
the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words,
he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door
and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali
Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

SPUGGIE J 08-11-2006 08:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
approached Lena.

"I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... .

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Sparkologist 08-11-2006 19:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I overheard this little tale the last time i was in the knockin' shop... :rolleyes:

A chap visits a massage parlour:
On the wall he sees a price list:
Turkish massage £30.
Swedish Massage £75.
De-waxing £100.

Being new to the experience and not sure if he will enjoy it he decides to go for the cheapest option.

He is led into a room and told to undress and lie on the table, which he duly does. A few moments later a 20 stone Turkish wrestler enters and begins to punch and pummel him without mercy. The pain is incredible as limbs are bent into positions they were never designed to adopt. In the pause between two assaults the man manages to gasp: "Ok, I’ll pay the extra. I’ll have the Swedish massage."

The wrestler shambles out and is replaced by a tall leggy blond from Stockholm dressed only in her bra and panties. She leans over him and begins to gently rub scented oil into his bruised flesh. Soon the pain is forgotten and he becomes increasingly aroused as her slim hands travel down his back and the massage becomes distinctly ‘intimate.' His breathing becomes more rapid and his body arches rhythmically when suddenly the masseuse packs up her oils and walks to the door. The man whimpers, "Oh God, I’ll pay the extra. Don't stop!"

Immediately the girl returns and slipping her hand between his legs begins to resurrect his slightly flagging ardour. Just as the critical moment arrives the Turkish wrestler runs in and hits the man viciously in the bollocks... Sure enough, all the wax flew out of his ears. :D

Mik Dickinson 12-11-2006 09:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators... and another/////










A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case.
Man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Man: She is going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

Mik Dickinson 16-11-2006 11:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John went for a night on the town,
as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-****ed, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her g-string to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
After he'd finished, Robbie turned and said "It's your turn now, Elton",
butElton started crying.
Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?"
Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

Bazf 20-11-2006 12:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Is there a doctor in the house?

In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was
on, when a cry came from the dark.

Shadow at the front (shouting): "Anyone! Is there a doctor here? Is
there a doctor here?"

(Shock. Confusion.)

Voice from the back: "Here - I'm a doctor"

Voice from the front: "Sh*te film, isn't it?" ...and sat back down

Voice from the back: "Little ba * tard - if I find ya I'll rattle ya"

Overheard - Santry Cinema by YoYoBoy
Posted - Wednesday, 27th April 2005

************************************************** ********** ************

Big Hitter

Playing on one of Dublin's less salubrious golf courses I teamed up
with a little auld Dub. After I hit an unusually long (and flukey) drive
the auld fella turned to me an said "Jaysus son, I wouldn't go that far
on me bleedin' holidays"

Overheard - Bodenstown Golf Club by Wardy Posted - Monday, 23rd May
2005

************************************************** ********** ************
**


Ireland of the Welcomes!

In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian
guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very
far.

One of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and
her "beautiful pale skin" and said: "In my country, you would be a
Princess"

To which the Irish girl replied "And in my country, you'd work in a
chipper, now f**k off".

Overheard - Roddy Bolands by Kaz
Posted - Thursday, 21st April 2005

************************************************** ********** ************
****

Irish Law is never Black and White

In one of the Dublin district courts during a hearing the injured party
is being questioned by the defence barrister. The barrister is really
trying to put pressure on the defendent and questions whether he can
identify his client who alledgedly assaulted him. The injured party is
sitting in the witness box and without flinching points across the room
and says loudly...

"yer man there, the black fella."

The defence barrister looses the rag and begins ranting about being
prejudicial to his clients skin colour and so forth. The barrister
continues along this line of attack and says indignantly to the injured
party who is still in the witness box....

"can you identify the man in this courtroom who you alledge assaulted
you without referring to his skin colour?"

The injured party looks up at the judge and then at the barrister
shrugs and says... "yeah."

The barrister asks him to do so. The injured party points again across
the court room and says...

"yer man sitting over there between the two white blokes."

Overheard - Dublin District Court by Anon Posted - Thursday, 21st
April 2005

************************************************** ********** ************
***

Mutant horses

My uncle was in town one day and there was a man and his son walking
infront of him.two gardas came along on their horses and the dad says...
"take a good look at dat son coz theyre the only amimals you'll ever see
wit a b*ll*x underneath them and a b*ll*x on top of them"

Overheard - my uncle heard it on henry street by leah Posted -
Tuesday, 26th April 2005

************************************************** ********** ************
**

Hill 16 banter

Hill 16, Croke Park, Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlcok (half Irish Half Chinese)
becomes embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in
front of the Hill. One wag shouts out....

"Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!"

Overheard - Hill 16 by Darren Halpin
Posted - Wednesday, 27th April 2005

************************************************** ********** ************
**


Busman's logic

My mate's mother was walking towards a bus stop on parnell street. A
bus pulled in just before she reached the stop she went up to talk to
the bus driver.....

Mate's mother: "What number bus is this?"

Bus driver: "Its a 40, it says so on the front"

Mate's mother: "Yeah, but it says 40a on the side and 40c on the
back?!"

Bus driver: "Well I'm not going sideways or backwards!!!"

mallard 28-11-2006 21:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:D :Banane32: they was grate you should do more of them

steeljack 06-12-2006 02:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far
as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

Mik Dickinson 09-12-2006 05:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night, he discovered the rooster missing and as it was around the time he suspected cockfights occurred in the village, he decided to say something at the church the next morning. At mass, he asked, “has anybody got a cock?” and all the men stood up. No that’s not what I meant he said, “has anybody seen a cock”, all the women stood up. “No no, has anybody seen a cock that does not belong to them” to this, half of the women stood up. “No that’s not what I mean, has anybody seen my cock” and all the choirboys stood up.

Ianto.W. 10-12-2006 00:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Epitaph on a spinsters grave, Who says you can't take it with you.

Mik Dickinson 15-12-2006 20:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Any rugby players out there.Ipswhich rugby club are missing a couple of hookers

sgt_alex 18-12-2006 13:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
that is well funny im in i.t at the mo. i read the first bit and didtn think it was a joke at first goodjoke

Busman747 27-12-2006 23:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in

despair, he had his first meeting with a demon

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell"


"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink"

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"


The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great


"You a smoker?" the demon asked

You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're

allready dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome


The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble


"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . "



"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares"


"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
i never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."


"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

Busman747 28-12-2006 00:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Speed Demon
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

flashy 31-12-2006 16:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. To prove that God is THE most important thing in your life, you must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then, and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

***Mr D*** 09-01-2007 00:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he said to the Rabbi, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers who every now and then send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh' said the auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

'What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

Realising the inspector was trying to trap him the Rabbi replied, 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and then they send a free box of matzo rolls'.

'I see,' replied the auditor thinking hard how he could fluster the know it all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Google Page Ranking***''.

AccyAlec 10-01-2007 02:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by gl.c (Post 39863)
i've got one for you...

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. [glow=red,2,300]Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.[/glow]

Regards,
Project Leader

what about that one? :D


Yea i liked it... it confused me at first but then and again not much dose hehe :D :D :D

Alec

AccyAlec 10-01-2007 02:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
1 Attachment(s)
Difference Between Men and Women... :Banane04:


1. A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.


2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.


*** I got the joke from comedycentral.
http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...1&d=1168399206

flashy 17-01-2007 19:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

armani 18-01-2007 17:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
British Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish =
pub
for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a =
Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows =
on a
Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive =
and
lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then =
have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk =
to
in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas =
decorations
were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after =
trying
to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.

and finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

bobthedj 19-01-2007 10:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
In the paper it said, please look after your neighbours in the cold weather, our neighbour is an 87 year old woman, not once has she come round to check if we're all right. And the lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for two weeks.

jedimaster 19-01-2007 14:02

hurricane shazza hits essex!
 
Hurricane Shazza strikes Essex

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex
in the early hours of this morning with its epicentre in Shoeburyness.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shoeburyness.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys BandH and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, " SOUTHEND" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

chav1 23-01-2007 20:59

good old fashioned paddy joke
 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

mrskitty 23-01-2007 21:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Jade Goody has apparently decided to change her name and adopt the muslim faith to prove she is not rascist.
She wants to be known as 'Yaffat Fooka'.

SPUGGIE J 25-01-2007 22:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but
I had a close miss at the weekend.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange
asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch
in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not
be so lucky.

Be careful out there! :o)

steeljack 01-02-2007 23:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
>> WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
>>
>> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

>> Half-gallon of 2% milk,
>> A carton of eggs,
>> A quart of orange juice,
>> A head of romaine lettuce,
>> A 2 lb. can of coffee and
>> A 1 lb. package of bacon.
>>
>> As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, an
>> obviously
drunk man standing and weaving from side to side behind her
watched as
she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
>>
>> While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
>> "You must be single."
>>
>> The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued
>> by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
>>
>> She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
>> unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her
>> marital status.
>>
>> Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
>> you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
>>
>> The drunk replied ...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Cause you're ugly."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>

fc:stanley 05-02-2007 18:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Easy joke: why are pirates pirates? CUS THEY ARRRHHHHHHHHH

MITZY 06-02-2007 09:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Derek's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Derek. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets Dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club So eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Derek



EDITOR'S NOTE: Derek died suddenly on May 27th.

The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his jacksy, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly!

Tinkerbelle 08-02-2007 09:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man walks up very close to a lady co-worker , inhales a big breath of air and says "your hair smells nice". After a week of this the lady puts in a sexual harassment complaint against him. The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?".

The lady replies "Its Keith the Dwarf!".


............. :eek: :D

Diesel 08-02-2007 18:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
How do you spot a Blind Man in a Nudist Colony?

It's not hard

shillelagh 16-02-2007 21:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.


The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!



An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

Mancie 18-02-2007 12:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
NEWS FLASH

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police announced earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on disorder issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

shillelagh 24-02-2007 20:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
> > their family member lay gravely ill.
> > Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
> > "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
> > worried faces.
> > "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
> > transplant.
> > It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
> > Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
> > brain yourselves.."
> > The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great
>
> > length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
> > The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for
a
>
> > female brain."
> > The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
> > avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
> > A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
> > everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
> > The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
> > entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
> > down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
> > used."
> > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

shiny gem 01-03-2007 15:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
what do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant?
angus mccoatup

SPUGGIE J 01-03-2007 16:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
2 Attachment(s)
There once were four older ladies who lived in Italy ....

They always sat outside and chatted a lot when they were younger....

One day they pooled their money together and bought a laptop computer...
see pic 1


They always wanted to see what Florida was about so they clicked on St.Augustine, Florida, and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" there...


They saved up some money and sent for four bottles of the magic water....


As soon as it arrived, they drank as much asthey could....

The rest of this story will make you a believer
because here they are today....

see pic 2

slinky 02-03-2007 15:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One day a man went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the Counter for three packs of condoms.
"Yes, certainly." she replied "Have you tried the coloured ones? There's blue, red and yellow."
"No, actually I haven't tried them but I think I will give them a go. I'll have one pack of each colour please."
The girl gave him the condoms and he left.
Nine months later the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.
"I'll have one Maternity Bra please." said the man.
"What bust?" asked the girl.
The man replied "The blue one."



:eek:;):D


Sparkologist 03-03-2007 12:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's". :D

Ianto.W. 08-03-2007 12:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The hunchback of Notre Dame; "Mrs Modo is your Quasi playing out", "no he's got the hump".

accymel 12-03-2007 18:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Irish Medical Dictionary
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY.

ARTERY..............The study of paintings.

BACTERIA...........Back door to cafeteria.

BARIUM..............What doctors do when patients die.

BENIGN...............What you be, after you be eight.

CAESAREAN SECTION..A neighbourhood of Rome.

CATSCAN..............Searching for kitty.

CAUTERIZE..........Made eye contact with her.

COLIC...................A sheep dog.

COMA...................A punctuation mark.

DILATE..................To live long.

FESTER...................Quicker than someone else.

FIBULA...................A small lie.

IMPOTENT...............Distinguished, well known.

LABOUR PAIN...........Getting hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF.........A Doctor's cane.

MORBID....................A higher offer.

NITRATES.................Cheaper than day rates.

NODE.......................I knew it!

OUTPATIENT..............A person who has fainted.

PELVIS......................Second cousin to Elvis.

POST OPERATIVE........A letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM.......Place to do upholstery.

RECTUM.....................Nearly killed him.

SECRETION.................Hiding something.

SEIZURE......................Roman Emperor.
TABLET.......................A small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS.......Getting sick at airport.

TUMOUR......................One plus one more.

URINE..........................Opposite of your out.

2xCONDOMS................To be sure, to be sure,


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tinkerbelle 15-03-2007 18:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I was at the cash machine this morning waiting for the little old lady in front to finish .... when she turned around and asked me to help check her balance ...... so I pushed her over. :eek: :D

Tinkerbelle 15-03-2007 19:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
"Can anyone make a sentence using the word contagious?" asked the teacher.

Little Paddy waves his hand in the air .... "ok then Paddy can you?"

"Miss, my dad is painting the front room with a toothbrush and mum says it'll take the contagious"

....... :D

suzster 19-03-2007 19:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits
down, fuming. She says to a man next to her,
"The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell
him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

suzster 19-03-2007 19:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
And it's official, the worlds greatest joke is: -

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/sc...est/index.html

Suz x.

Eric 25-03-2007 21:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Canadian joke: At 10 celsius, Californians shiver, Canadians plant gardens. 1.5 c: Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. -17c: NYC landlords turn on the heat, Canadians barbeque. -50c Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door. -75c: Santa abandons the North Pole, Canadians finally put on long underwear. -114c ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated 'cause they can't thaw their beer. -273c, absolute zero: all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold, eh?". Finally Hell freezes over, The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Eric 25-03-2007 21:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Canadian joke: At 10 celsius, Californians shiver, Canadians plant gardens. 1.5 c: Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. -17c: NYC landlords turn on the heat, Canadians barbeque. -50c Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door. -75c: Santa abandons the North Pole, Canadians finally put on long underwear. -114c ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated 'cause they can't thaw their beer. -273c, absolute zero: all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold, eh?". Finally Hell freezes over, The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Eric 25-03-2007 21:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
See what kind of mistakes happen when it gets too bloody warm!!!!!

Ianto.W. 25-03-2007 23:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric (Post 403251)
See what kind of mistakes happen when it gets too bloody warm!!!!!

Do Canadian women get their hair done by 'permafrost' Eric.:D

Eric 26-03-2007 01:26

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ianto.W. (Post 403306)
Do Canadian women get their hair done by 'permafrost' Eric.:D

No ... but they do use a lot of Moose.

In winter, a Canadian woman prefers to have sex doggie style so that both she and her partner(s) can watch the hockey game on TV.

steeljack 26-03-2007 01:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric (Post 403319)
No ... but they do use a lot of Moose.

In winter, a Canadian woman prefers to have sex doggie style so that both she and her partner(s) can watch the hockey game on TV.

Eric , Why do I suspect that you are actually a Newfie :D :D :D :D :D

Eric 26-03-2007 01:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
And an Ossy-Canadian joke: This guy from Ossy was touring Canada and he stopped at Niagara Falls. The guide explained that millions of gallons of water went over the falls every minute! The lad from Ossy looked, pondered, knitted his brows and after staring at the falls for another couple of minutes, said: "Aye, that's 'cause there's nowt theer t' stop it."

Eric 26-03-2007 10:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by steeljack (Post 403323)
Eric , Why do I suspect that you are actually a Newfie :D :D :D :D :D

You asked for it: Two Newfies go into a pet shop. Gerry says to Mike "Dat's dem," pointing to the budgies. When the clerk asks them what they want, Gerry says "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in a paper bag." They leave the store and drive to Come by Chance, and stop at the edge of a 500ft. cliff. Gerry takes two of the birds, places them on his shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Mike watches as his mate plunges to a messy death on the rocks below, shakes his head sadly and says: "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

Newfies are a lot like people from Ossy, don't you think?

tadah 26-03-2007 13:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric (Post 403250)
A Canadian joke: At 10 celsius, Californians shiver, Canadians plant gardens. 1.5 c: Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. -17c: NYC landlords turn on the heat, Canadians barbeque. -50c Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door. -75c: Santa abandons the North Pole, Canadians finally put on long underwear. -114c ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated 'cause they can't thaw their beer. -273c, absolute zero: all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold, eh?". Finally Hell freezes over, The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.


Thats really funny

Eric 27-04-2007 10:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
You know, in this age of environmental conciousness, we have to realize that there is a place for all God's creatures; ... RIGHT NEXT TO THE POTATOES AND GRAVY.

Sparkologist 17-05-2007 19:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Short & sweet, this one...

A man with a terrible stutter walks into a shop and asks for a Mars Bar and comes out with 500 packs of M & M’s. :D

MargaretR 21-05-2007 08:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her: “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20, on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied: “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . "clean my house."

(found this in The Times of all places!)

Eric 23-05-2007 20:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An Aussie from the outback walks into a posh bar in Melbourne. Under his arm is a large, live crocodile. He tells the assembled yuppie patrons that he is broke but offers to stick his penis in the croc's mouth for five minutes, after which he will remove it, unmarked from the vicious fangs, if they will buy his booze all night. The bartender and the patrons agree, and he sticks it in the croc's mouth. After five minutes, he grabs a beer bottle, whacks the croc over the head with it, and the croc opens his mouth. Out comes an unscathed penis.

After a few drinks, the guy says he will bet $1000 that no one else in the bar dare do it. There seems to be little enthusiasm among the crowd ... but then a blonde who had been sitting quietly at the end of the bar, says: "Excuse me, I'll do it provided that you don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

Eric 30-05-2007 14:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The inhabitants of a remote village deep in the tropical jungles of some jungle like country worshiped their local gods: two porpoises who lived in a small, freshwater lake just outside the village. Oral historical tradition stated that they had been there even before the village was founded 14 generations ago. Local tradition held that these aquatic mammals were immortal. The only thing that these gods would eat were offerings of mynah bird meat that the villagers fed to them. Because of global warming and local deforestation the local mynah population became quickly extinct. The porpoises became weaker, and weaker as they slowly starved to death. Whatever substitute food the natives tried to feed them was refused.

A council of elders selected the tribe's greatest warrior to find mynah meat for the gods. He was a western educated native, who had aquired some of the gadgets produced in a modern society, and some of these gadgets, a blackberry, a portable freeze drying machine, and a tranquilizer gun, he took with him on his quest.

After 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness (sorry about the obvious biblical allusion) he found a tree, in the middle of a clearing. And in the tree were hundreds of mynahs. However, lying in the shade of the tree were several obviously unfriendly lions. What to do? The mighty warrior took his tranquilzer gun and rendered the lions unconscious. Then he captured the birds, killed them and used his portable freeze drying machine to reduce the mynah meat into lightweight cubes which he then put into a backpack ....

And now back to the village, hoping to be in time to save the local gods. (Which as a western educated person, he did not really believe in). As he was leaving the area, two armed FBI agents jumped out from behind a tree and arrested him.

And the charge was: Reducing mynahs and transporting them across sedate lions for immortal popoises.

Alvin the chipmunk 15-06-2007 14:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
You lot hear about the ice-cream man who commited suicide? ... TOPPED HIMSELF :D

yerself 19-06-2007 09:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Wales


An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local
sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right.
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!

Eric 20-06-2007 22:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Alvin the chipmunk (Post 435405)
You lot hear about the ice-cream man who commited suicide? ... TOPPED HIMSELF :D

Didn't hear that one, but I did hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

West Ender 26-06-2007 20:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are chatting in a bar.

The Englishman says, "My son was born on St George's Day so we called him George."

The Scotsman says, "My son was born on St Andrew's Day so we called him Andrew."

"That's a coincidence," says the Irishman, "Wait 'til I tell our Pancake."

garinda 26-06-2007 20:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by West Ender (Post 440520)
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are chatting in a bar.

The Englishman says, "My son was born on St George's Day so we called him George."

The Scotsman says, "My son was born on St Andrew's Day so we called him Andrew."

"That's a coincidence," says the Irishman, "Wait 'til I tell our Pancake."

A real laugh out loud, thank you.:p

cashman 04-07-2007 00:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I see the Cigarette Ban is not having much effect- was 2 guys caught smoking at glasgow airport.;)

Eric 04-07-2007 19:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by garinda (Post 440522)
A real laugh out loud, thank you.:p

If this is to your taste, there is a First Nations version.

A young Cree asked his father how he and his siblings got their names. Father said that after the birth of his children, he left the teepee in which they were born and named the child after the first thing he saw: "That is why your sister is called Morning Star and your brother is called Soaring Eagle." His youngest son interrupted at this point and said: "Ah, now I realize why I have to go through life called 'Two Dogs F**king'".

Eric 25-07-2007 14:51

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his verterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was very expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to ten. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me" said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri, West Virgina, and parts of Washington DC.

Eric 26-07-2007 23:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at his bulging pockets, and after many such glances the man said, "It's golf balls." The blonde said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


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