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Re: Joke Of The Day
The Jokes so far haven't been a problem and i do like most of them myself.
But i do think it would be good to give the michael jackson ones a side step, before anybody does get offended! As for the others, keep em coming lmao |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A clean one for you.....:)
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "#150!" she cried. "#150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been #20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... what did you expect?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Nice one lettie. :rofl38:
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This Genie in a bottle certainly does the rounds....
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes. She picked an empty bottle out of the water, and began to wash it, when suddenly a genie appeared beside her. 'You have led a long and good life,' said the genie, 'I have come to reward you, by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I shall make it happen.' The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen, she decided to play along for a minute. 'OK,' she said, 'turn all those dirty dishes into money.' With that there was a flash, a bang and a cloud of smoke. When the smoke had cleared, the dishes had turned to a pile of cash. 'My!' said the little old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, 'perhaps you could make me young and beautiful again.' There was another flash, bang and more billowing smoke. Once again, the genie was true to his word. Before him stood a beautiful young lady. Excitedly she carried on. 'Can you please turn my dear old tom cat into a handsome young man?' For a third time, there was a flash, a bang and plume of smoke and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly, she turned to the young man and said, 'At last. I want to make love to you for the rest of the day, and all night too!' The young man looked at her for a moment, then replied in a high pitched voice, 'Well, you should have thought of that before you took me to the vet's, shouldn't you!' All those flashes, bangs & clouds of smoke remind of the last wiring I did!!! :D |
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AN engineer of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told him, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world and given pleasure to many and therefore, as your reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. The Engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:" 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. Finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." |
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While on his state visit to England, George W. Bush meets The Queen, and
he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a "King-dom", you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." Dubya thinks a while and then says: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replies, "Again, to be a "Princ-ipality" you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush." Bush thinks long and hard and comes up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies, "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Em-pire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush can utter another word, The Queen says: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a country." :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Nice one lettie lmao.
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Sailing close to the wind there, Lettie. Long may your ship stay afloat :thumbsup:
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One tries ones best...:coffeecup
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Lettie, cause i have a clean mind it took me a second or two to catch on, have to say never a truer word spoken. lol
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A beautiful voluptuous woman goes to the gynaecologist. He tells her to undress and begins to stroke her thigh, saying, 'Do you know what I'm doing?'
'Yes,' she says, 'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.' 'That is correct,' replies the doctor, as he begins to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' he asks. 'Yes, you're checking for any lumps or signs of breast cancer.' 'That's right,' he replies. He then begins to have sex with the woman. He says to her,' Do you know what I'm doing now?' 'Yes, She says. 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place!' |
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:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: lmao at that one, and you think I'm the one sailing close to the wind!!!!!!
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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out. ;) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
:thefinger :rofl38: :thefinger Nice one.. |
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Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.. "Is that all?", Holmes asked. "Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?". Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the bloody tent." :D |
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.... To apply, push up bottom.......:) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Brill, lettie. good one
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I read that 3 times before I found the bottom line.....
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". ;) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
That last joke could be construed as sexist, i just thought it was bloody funny.:rofl38:
Have you ever encountered this problem before Lettie :confused:. With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old lady has a baby. All her relatives come and visit and to meet the newest arrival to their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, 'Not yet.' A little later they ask to see the baby again. Once again the mother replies, 'Not yet.' Finally, the family members ask when can they see the baby. The mother tells them, 'When the baby cries.' So they ask, 'Why do we have to wait for the baby to cry?' The new mother says, 'I forgot where I put it.' |
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Have you ever encountered this problem before Lettie :confused:.
Not yet, but it wouldn't surprise me if I did......:) |
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A teenager comes home from school and asks his dad, ‘What’s the difference between potential and reality?’
His dad says, ‘I’ll show you. Ask your mum if she’d sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.’ So the kid goes to ask his mum, ‘Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?’ His mum says, ‘Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.’ Then he asks his sister, ‘For a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?’ She says, ‘Yes!’ The kid goes back to his dad and says, ‘I’ve got it. Potentially we’re sitting on two million bucks – but in reality, we’re living with a couple of slags |
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Japanese man walks into a currency exchange in Trafalgar Square and hands 10,000 yen over the counter.
The woman smiles and hands him back £70. The following week, he again walks in and puts down 10,000 yen – but this time the teller only gives him £60. ‘Why less this week?’ he asks the teller. The lady smiles and says, ‘Fluctuations.’ The Japanese man storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says, ‘Well, fluc you Blittish, too |
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Whats the differance between a Dog and a Fox ?
About eight pints!!!!!!!!!!!:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: |
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A newly wed couple were spending their honeymoon at a remote log cabin, out in the wilds. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were safe and well. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice answered from inside. The old man asked if they were OK. 'Yes, we're fine. We are living on the fruits of love.' The old man replied, 'I thought so. Do you mind not throwing your peelings out of the window...they're choking my ducks.' |
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A man works in a busy office full of attractive
girls. The man takes a particular shine to one of the long legged lovelies and walks up to her in the office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf" ;) |
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A LESSON FROM FAIRIES A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish". "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets plus expenses appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old....... Men might be mean, but Fairies are.................... Female ! ! ! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Oh dear...back to the lowest common denominator...sex.
One night, a couple were lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turned over and said, 'I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologists appointment in the morning, and I want to stay fresh.' Rejected, the husband turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled over and whispered in her ear, 'Do you have a dentists appointment too?' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Ha ha ha ha ha. brill
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Re: Joke Of The Day
:rofl38: :rofl38: Nice one!!!!
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I went to the shop yesterday, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for my having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I'm trying to have a little fun each day. It's important. :D |
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:lol: Ya... nice one. |
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"doctor doctor its the wife. Shes having trouble with her eyesight"
Said the agitated husband. "Really?" replied the doctor, "in what way?" "She keeps having visions of a pearl necklace" |
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why dont women have hair on their chest?
you don't get grass growing on a playground |
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Scrawled on a toilet wall:
Always aim high.....then you won't splash your shoes |
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Whats a pearl necklace? is it rude. :o
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yes...........
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It's a damn sight cheaper than a diamond necklace!!!
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Have we had a Redneck joke on here before? We have now...
The National Transport Safety Board recently announced that they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. car manufacturers for the last five years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to detirmine, when accidents occured, the last fifteen seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find that in 49 of the 50 States, the last words of drivers in 62.9% of crashes were, 'Oh s**t!' Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, 'Hold my beer and watch this!' |
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Imigrants Lament
me come to england poor and broke go down dole see labour bloke fill in form stand around kind man give me plenty pound me thank him much and then he say you come next week and get more pay me write a letter to pakistan tell friends come quick as can all is nicely settled down nice big house in bradford town twenty families living up twice as many living down more in garden live in tent six months later big bank roll go more labour draw more dole wife wants glasses teeth and pills all is free we get no bills me think england dam fine place much to nice for white man race god bless white man big and small he pay tax to keep us all and if you dont like coloured man plenty room in pakistan. |
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"What a miserable life i've had,"Thought Bob sadly, as he sipped
his beer at the corner of the bar. "Here i am, my 25th birthday today, and i still havn't been out with a girl. If only i wernt so skinny, if only people would stop calling me bean pole."He ordered another half pint and suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder. to his amazement, a woman was smiling and asked if she could join him. A dream come true! For the next 30 minutes, he wa in seventh heaven and he was nearly fit to burst when she invited him back to her flat. When they arrived, she suggested he go into the bedroom and take all his clothes off. She would join him in a moment. He lay there shivering with anticipation when she walked in with her 10 year old boy and said "Now see here Billy, thats what you'll look like when you grow up, if you dont eat your greens" |
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...Oh dear...these are'nt going to go down well with our friends from the ethnic communities or the nutritionally challenged, are they? Some may even go so far as to say it is not quite politically correct.
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Two old men wre sitting in the park watching the pretty
girls go by. "You know Fred, ive been sat here that long, my bums fallen assleep" "Yes i know," said Fred. "I heard it snoring" |
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woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that again...." |
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A man goes into his son's bedroom to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare, so the man wakes him and asks him if he is OK? The son says that he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie died. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare, so the man again wakes his son. The son says this time he had dreamt that Grandpa had died. The father reassures the son that everything is OK and he should go back to sleep. The next day, Grandpa died. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare, so the man again wakes his son. The son says this time he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father tells the son that all is fine and that he should not worry, but go back to sleep. The man goes to bed but he cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life, he feels sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of having a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he feels certain he will be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking through his front door when he returs home, he finds his wife. 'Good God, Dear,' he proclaims, 'I've just had the worst day of my entire life!' She responds, 'You think your day was bad. The milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!' |
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote. |
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A tourist walks into a drug store in Los Angeles, and asks for a packet of condoms. ‘Rubbers, eh?’ says the chemist, recognizing his customer is English. ‘That’ll be five dollars – including the tax.’ ‘Is that necessary?’ cries the man. ‘Back home, we roll them on.’
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Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
:rofl38: :rofl38: Nice one Janet...
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A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a
plane. The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs. The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe what he is seeing. A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs ... What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says "Black Pepper". ;) |
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." |
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Rebecca Loos was recently seen out on the town with her girlfriends.
Which just goes to show, you don't have to be posh to swallow becks!!!! ;) |
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger." |
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." :D |
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" |
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the priest pouds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." :) |
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Sacrilage.....
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Toilet Paper
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man... |
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First-year students at the Med School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body". To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation." "I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention." :D |
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." :) |
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Quote:
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered." But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "LOVE dress? But you're naked!" "My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Nice one Lettie.
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. "Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." "Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
This explains why we forward jokes, please read it.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there ". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for
facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted, "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee . . ." :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new
Drive-through cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to devise appropriate procedures for their use. PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window. 3. Insert your card and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Wind up window. 7. Drive away. PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine. 3. Re-start the stalled engine. 4. Wind down the window. 5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto the passenger seat to locate card. 6. Turn the radio down. 7. Attempt to insert card into the cash machine. 8. Open car door to allow easier access to the cash machine due to the excessive distance from the car. 9. Insert card. 10. After "Invalid Card' is displayed? Remove Marks& Spencer Charge Card and insert the correct Cash Point Card. 11. Remove Cash Point Card. 12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up. 13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 14. Enter PIN. 15. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN. 16. Enter amount of cash required. 17. Check make-up in rear view mirror. 18. Retrieve cash and receipt. 19. Empty your handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 20. Place receipt in back of chequebook. 21. Re-check make-up. 22. Drive car forward 2 metres. 23. Reverse back to cash machine. 24. Retrieve card. 25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided. 26. Restart the stalled engine and pull off. 27. Drive for 2-3 miles. 28. Release hand brake! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Mum and dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. 'Daddy, what are they doing?' asked young Billy.
After some quick thinking, the father replied, 'Why son, they are making a puppy.' Later that night, Billy was thirsty and got out of bed for a glass of water. As he walked by his mum and dad's bedroom, he heard a noise, and poked his head around the door to take a look, only to find mum and dad going at it. Billy shouts, 'What are you doing?' The father, quite embarrassed, replys, 'Why Billy, we're making a baby.' 'Quick, turn her over...' declares Billy, '...I want a puppy!' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his d**k in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f******g nuts, I'm never getting out of here!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, I'm 40 and just looking for a girl with big t*ts. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today." ;) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
My laundry bill will be sky-high, Lettie. That's another pair of pants pee'd!:rofl38:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
:rofl38: :rofl38: That's way too much information there Sparky, but it cheered me up.. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Nice one lettie. :rofl38:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having witht their memory. After checking the couple out, the doc' said they were physically OK but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. They thanked the doctor and left. Later that night, while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, 'Where are you going?' He replied, 'To the kitchen.' She asked, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?' He replied, 'Sure.' She then asked him, 'Don't you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?' He said, 'No, I can remember that.' She then said, 'Well I would also like some strawberries. You had better write it down because I know you'll forget that.' He said, 'I can remeber that. you want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.' She replied, 'I would also like some whipped cream on the top. I know you'll forget that, so you had better write it down.' With irritation in his voice, he said, 'I don't need to write that down! I can remember that!' He then stormed off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: 'I TOLD you to write it down! You have forgot my toast!' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The wife sheepishly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of imported knickers. 'After all dear,' she said to her husband, 'you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you.'
'No,' her husband replied. 'Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver!' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Nice ones.... :rofl38: :rofl38:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:
* one tin of beans * one bag of crisps * one pack of burgers * one tub of icecream * one cake * one yoghurt * one pint of milk. He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?" The girl replies: "You're an ugly git." :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Just been emailed this thought you may find it a little funny.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by RAF pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Did you hear about the 13 year old who swallowed 3 Viagra tablets?
He was admitted to hospital with third-degree burns on his right hand! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a French naval ship with British authorities off the coast of England in October, 1995.
French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. British: We are a lighthouse. Your call. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
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Re: Joke Of The Day
I think this joke is relevant to your Monkey post, Len
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,"I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through it. This time the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us." Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh S**t! Am I driving?"! :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
What do you call a Redneck who has a cat and a dog?
Bisexual. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few items he began to line up in a really long queue for the checkout. After about 15 minutes stood in line he reached the checkout girl, and just at that moment he realised he needed some condoms. Not wanting to queue up again, he said to the girl, 'Oh, I meant to buy some condoms, but forgot.'
'Do you know what size you are?' she asked. 'No,' he replied. 'OK, drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are.' The man not being the shy type, dropped his trousers and the girl had a feel with her hand, and said into the microphone, 'One pack of large condoms to aisle three please.' So the man pulled up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him, he paid his bill and left. Another male customer sees this and thinks he would like the checkout girl to fondle him, so her told her the same excuse. A similar course of events take place, only this time after a good feel, she says over the tannoy system, 'One pack of medium size condoms to aisle three please.' The condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather exciteable 15 year old boy, who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. 'I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot them,' he said. 'Do you know what size you are? she asked. 'No,' he replied. 'OK, I'll check. Whoops, oh dear. Mop and bucket to aisle three please!' |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and gently hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The young man is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies........." She says : "You just happened to catch my eye." :) OK, I know it's a really bad one, I'll get my coat...:coffeecup |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Thats awfull lettie!! but i chuckled anywayhehe
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Just a quick one..
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again..... :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
better p.c plod does'nt see that one eh!! lol
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Hey i heard today that Lisa Riley has been stopped at Heathrow, and arrested for drug trafficing!!!!!
Aparrently she was caught with 15kilo's of crack in her knickers!! |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." :) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the
French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him. The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear brown pants. :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a DOG? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss! 9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you. CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I I AM YOUR TOOTHBRUSH WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU PERVERT |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Mine is dark green in colour but only measures 7".
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