Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After 20 years of sex in the dark, wife discovers that husband has been using a (ann-summers toy......get my drift), she asks him to explain, he says '' i'll explain but you explain about the kids first!!'':D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three fastest means of communication..................


1)tele-phone



2)Tele- vision

3)Tell-a-woman

..............even faster tell her not to tell anyone else.

Doctors waiting rooms.
 

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p11s out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman hiding somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere.
Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be
alive.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Full set of encyclopeda's for sale, no need for them anymore since i got married, wife knows everything.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, “How old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says.
She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the cashier the same question.
“I’d guess about 29,” she says.
“Nope, I’m 47,” the woman replies.
Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.
“I’m 78,” he says, “and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman’s age by putting your hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.”
Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, “You’re 47.”
“That’s amazing!” she says, stunned. “How did you know?”
“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A husband and wife are eating dinner one night when the wife asks, “If I died, would you marry again?”
“Yes,” the husband says.
“Would you let her into my house?”
“Yes,” the husband says.
“Would she sleep in my bed?”
“Yes,” the husband says.
“And would she use my golf clubs?”
“Definitely not,” the husband says.
“Of all things, why not the clubs?”
“Because she’s left-handed.”

Sex education
Young Judith runs out to the backyard, where her father is chopping wood. She looks up at the hard-working parent, smiles, and asks: ‘Daddy, what is ‘sex’?’ Laying down his axe, the old-timer sits beside his daughter and starts to explain about the birds and the bees. Then he tells her about conception, sperm and eggs. Next he thinks, ‘What the hell – I might as well explain the whole works,’ and goes into great detail about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet dreams. Judith’s eyes bulge as her old man continues his lesson, moving on to masturbation, oral, anal and group sex, pornography, bestiality, dildos and homosexuality. Realizing he has probably gone too far, the father pauses and asks, ‘So, Judith, why do you want to know about sex?’ ‘Well,’ says the fresh-faced youngster. ‘Mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Four Worms and a Funeral

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "F*ck!"
Bad Skydiver: "F*************ck!!" "Whack!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happening, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

So the vice president of a company comes downstairs on his 43rd birthday.
No greetings from his wife or children.
Depressed he goes to work, no greetings from the gatekeeper.
He walks in to the office and his secretary wishes him a happy birthday with a kiss on the cheek.
He is overjoyed and when his secretary invites him for lunch he thinks he still has it
On reaching the restaurant it is fully booked but his secretary invites him back to her place.
When they are in the living room his secretary asks if he minds while she goes in to the bedroom?
No of course not he replies.
5 minutes later his wife, children, golf companion and more come out of the bedroom screaming happy birthday.
Only to find the vice president lying naked on the sofa

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Imagine you can have sex everyday for a year but only with a condom.
At the end of the year you melt all the condoms down and make a tyre out of them.

Q. What would the tyre be called?



A. A Good Year of course

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that
you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did. She said, " Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. She tells him that, since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and Jim doesn't, Jim should be at
her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp,
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.Then Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. Jim came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I almost keeled over with the laughter............................NOT........... .............too old that one!!

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse then said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

--------------------------------------------

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--------------------------------------------

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

------------------------------------------

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

------------------------------------------

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

----------------------------------------------

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But..... Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

----------------------------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!", Replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

----------------------------------------------

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's.

"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdale's?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

----------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

----------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

----------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint when a gremlin comes in and asks for a half. He downs his drink quickly, then runs along the bar, sticks his head in the man’s pint and shakes it around. The man is bemused, but continues to drink as the gremlin returns to his seat. The little beastie orders a second and third half and after each one does exactly the same thing. The man finally loses his patience and grabs the gremlin by the scruff of the neck. ‘If you stick your head in my pint one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!’ shouts the angry drinker. ‘Ain’t got one,’ says the gremlin. The man looks confused. ‘If you haven’t got a cock, how do you ****?’ he asks the gremlin. ‘Like this,’ says the gremlin, and sticks his head in the man’s pint, shaking it around.’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There is a man and he only has one testicle, all his childhood everyone called him 'one stone'.

So this one day he thinks ''no more will they call me one stone and, the next person that does I will kill them I swear''.

A week goes by and he is walking through the town centre when, a girl comes up to him and says ''o right one stone long time no - see''!!!!
He thinks right, grabs her by the hair, drags her down the back alley and F***'s her til she is dead, he turns looks at her smugly and thinks 'told you I would'.

In time people stopped calling him this name, until 3 years later he was stood at a bar in town when a girl he knew from school came up chatting to him. She said '' God can you remember when people used to call you one stone??'', he turned to the girl, grabbed her by the hair, took her outside down a dark alley and started f'''ing her, she is moaning and groaning and moaning and groaning, this had gone on for 5 hours, by this time he was knackered and she still was NOT dead............

You know the moral to this story????????????????????????????????????????????? ?







YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE............................................. ..

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh Slinky that's a good one.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
.................................................. .................................................. ...................

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
.................................................. .................................................. ............

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?

One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you.
The other is a domestic pet.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones. To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints. Suddenly they talked sh$t, gained weight and couldn't drive!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

one day the pope was on tour and he got off a plane, and his chofure was waiting but the pope said to the driver "can you please let me drive" after 10 minutes of arguing the driver gets in the back and the pope starts driving.
Along the road he does twice the speed limit and gets pulled over by a police officer. when the pope winds down the window the officer gets on his radio
"i think we've got a problem"
"what?"
"well this guy was doing twice the speed limit"
"well arrest him"
"yeah but i think its someone important"
"what do you you mean"
"well the pope's his chaufure, so i think i've arrested God!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

one day the pope was on tour and he got off a plane, and his chofure was waiting but the pope said to the driver "can you please let me drive" after 10 minutes of arguing the driver gets in the back and the pope starts driving.
Along the road he does twice the speed limit and gets pulled over by a police officer. when the pope winds down the window the officer gets on his radio
"i think we've got a problem"
"what?"
"well this guy was doing twice the speed limit"
"well arrest him"
"yeah but i think its someone important"
"what do you you mean"
"well the pope's his chaufure, so i think i've arrested God!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

why did the chicken cross the road
cause some idiot thought it'sd be funny to put him on a motorway

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and food and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes" He's probably spent years in jail and hasn't seen a woman all that time. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous, if he gets angry he might kill us both! Be strong, darling, I love you".

To which the wife replied: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and thought you were really cute. He asked if we had any Vaseline and I told him it was in the bathroom. - Be strong, darling. I love you too".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"



In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

11/10 for that one Pendy.......:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

good joke i really liked it

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

imagine how much you would have won at the bookies if last year you had bet that by the end of april the pope and charles would have both been stiff in a
old box.:eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I think that is out of order slinky. You should have more respect for our future Queen :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :rofl38: A HUSBAND asks his wife: "Why don't we try different positions tonight?"

She replies: "That's a good idea. You stand by the kitchen sink and do the washing up, and I'll lay on the sofa and watch the football." :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It's been a while since my last joke. I hope this one makes you laugh... :p


A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "That's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either." :eek: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Postman Pats Last Day……..



It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The wife from hell.






A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"




The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


I love this part....









"Only when he's been drinking."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There are a few slackers where I work that have this disease.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A LITTLE guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver, "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

"I got in the house and discovered my wife had left me for my best friend.

And then you show up and drink the poison!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Very good willow.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Now I am no mathematical genius, but I believe these figures to be fairly accurate...:D

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut.
Leave some for the rest of us. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The horse and the chicken were great barnyard friends. One day, the horse managed to get himself stuck in a very sticky section of mud. "Help me please," cried the horse, "get the owner's Mercedes and pull me out!" The chicken quickly went and got the keys for the car, attached a piece of chain to the rear of the car, and pull the horse out of the mire.

A couple of days later, the chicken found herself sinking in another mud hole. "Quick, before I am sucked under, get the Mercedes," she asked the horse. The horse however, had other ideas. He quickly straddled the muddy patch, told the chicken to grab his penis and she was quickly saved.

Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A joke appropriate to May 5, 2005

Question: What does a Japanese man do when he discovers he has an erection?
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for it!
.
.
.
.
Answer: He votes!
.
.
.
Happy Election Day, AccyWebbers!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Or the asian muck spreader :- Hu flung dung

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How High's a Chinaman?
Sorry but my dad was telling this joke for as long as I can remember!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There was two going around last year that i felt was a bit sick.Why did so many die at Morecombe bay?
Because the boss said to come back when the tide got to knee high.
Problem being that Ni Hi was at the top of a hill having a tea.
Two great whites are swimming in the Atalantic and one says to the other ' God i am hungry fancy some fish 'n' chips'?
Na says the other lets go to Morecombe for a Chinese.
Now that should tickle T.Think they are his kind of joke.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A recent survey was done and 90% of woman choose not to marry. The reason being for 1 oz of sausage why marry the whole bloody pig???????

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's a joke for you Royski. Remind you of the jukebox in the Hope & Anchor, does it? ;)

I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, at which time he lost his left arm. Capt. Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader."
A bit contrived, I know... ...I'll get my coat. :o :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man had to show his grey hair to prove he could get pension.
His wife said to him, ''you should have showed you c''k and we could have got disability too''.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their home. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Brazil. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Lancashire lass. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot food on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood
as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,
he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
your trays that would be super".

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Short but sweet.................................

Why is it men have there best ideas during sex??
Because there plugged into a bloody genius

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A women was reading an article in a magazine and infromed her husband that a bull makes love on average 700 times a year.To which the husband replied:-
Aye more than likely true love, but he does not s**/-g the same cow all the time!!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How does an Essex girl keep her bum warm.
She pulls her knickers up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started
playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.The
pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are
you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

The golf pro nodded knowingly and said, "I was going to tell you, your stance is too wide."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

While doing a vasectomy, Doctor Kildeer slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" Doctor Kildeer asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."
"What's that?" Doctor Kildeer asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through.
Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off. There's other people trying to get some sleep!"


From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister. She can't hear you!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A golfer is having trouble with his game so he goes to the pro and say's can you look at my swing and tell me whats wrong?
Ok says the pro, so off they go to the range and the Guy hits a driver a little off line but about 220yds.
"LOFT" says the pro.
So the guy gets a 5 iron and smacks it down the range.
"LOFT" says the pro.
Out comes the pitching wedge and he knocks it high in the sky.
"LOFT" says the pro.
"Now come on" says the golfer, "Ive tried 3 clubs and you keep saying loft what do you mean"?

Lack Of Fu*%i*g Talent says the pro.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This one is a real gross-out! ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Listen chaps. the next time your missus complains of a headache to sidestep her bedroom duties, remember this: :rolleyes:


Jim emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" Jim said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository... it's up to you!" ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Good one , reminds me of the one about the guy who goes out for a couple of drinks and says he will be home by 11 but goes drinking with his buddies and gets completely tanked up and forgets what time it is, so her indoors is fuming and ready to let him have a good gobfull and the rest as soon as he comes in.
He comes home and makes as much noise as he can, as he gets to the bottom of the stairs he shouts at the top of his voice,"Get ready women I am so randy I really need a Sh** to night" As he enters the bedroom she is............ Fast A Sleep.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI's luggage loaded into the car, and

he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after leaving the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating to 105 mph.

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope
pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the
policeman takes one look at him, goes back to his motorbike, and gets on
the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a Car going a
hundred and five. "So charge him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
policeman.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the policeman.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Policeman: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Policeman: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Policeman: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Policeman: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having climbed out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?" :confused: ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Sheffield, Newcastle and anywhere in the valleys of Wales
__________________

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman goes to the tatooist and ask for a butterfly on each buttock
the tatooist says to her that he couldn't do butterflies but he can do bee's
so the woman say they would do nicely.

That night she's getting ready for bed when she bends over, her husband asks whose this bob.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

all muslims do not drink?this has been proven wrong today!when one was found with 5 shots in him!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down
in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.



Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed
toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.
WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house, the farmer is completely shocked!

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down
by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.



By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing
quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried
that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold
in the middle of the yard with vultures circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and
expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny,
I told you to pace yourself and I tried to get you to
slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."



Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling
in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into

a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the

girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and

goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably

spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how

he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do

whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be

strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and

asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be

strong honey. I love you too!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

hehe some great jokes there!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

a man goes to the doctor askes him for the new viagra eye drops. the doctor looks at him and says "viagra eye drops? what do you want those for?" the man replies "i want to look hard!!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dyslexic Cinderella
-------------------

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers,
and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her
gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a
light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a
hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and
dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her
slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a
fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that
fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud
had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly
isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his
life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:nono8: :blink8: TINKERBELLE ,,if it wasent so funny ,,,i would have :spank: your bum

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Q. WHAT'S green and runs around your garden?

A. A hedge
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


A MAN checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS It is damn hot down here !!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

now that realy was funny......................

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH". :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
>Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
>
> After explaining the commandment to "honor"
>thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
>us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
>
> Without missing a beat one little boy (the
>oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Who was the last person to f'''' a aussie and bring home the ashes??????


Paula Yates............................................. ...................(sorry sorry).

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You just can't beat a woman's revenge......:D

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and
I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope
that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I
would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who,
like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small

difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

what is E.T short for???



coz he's only got little legs!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A lion walk into a bar and say's............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................the bar tender asks " why the long paws''??

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This is a true story:-
Before setting off for England this year i mentioned to my 2 daughters that we could make a tape cassette to keep us occupied on the long drive and that they could pick the music.
5 hours later my youngest came over and asked when we were putting the music on the cigarette,
Told my eldest who was wshing up at the time to come and pick some music and got the answer::-
' Dad i cannot do both things at twice'
Think i am gonna have to concentrate on their English this winter

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A Stick.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

3.99 a minute.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This Yorkshire kid goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for a box of condoms.

The chemist asks, "How old are you, son?"

The kid replies, "Eleven."

"I can't sell you any condoms," the chemist says. "You're too young."

The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll break your windows."

"All right, cool it," the chemist says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?"

The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."

The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"

"No," the young Tyke replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I can understand why H&M dropped Kate Moss from their advertising campaign.
I can understand Chanel doing likewise. But why Burberry? :confused:


She's got the ultimate Chav boyfriend; she's on the Bolivian marching powder and she was born in Croydon.

Surely she's got to be the ultimate role model for the Burberry brigade! :rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Windows!

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not
have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

......................

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Is that a work story about Joanne?

Re: Joke Of The Day