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yerself 07-12-2004 04:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The real 3 bears story



This should put an end to the Three Bears conflict....



Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

Terry 07-12-2004 12:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why did the pervert cross the road?

'cos his d**k was still in the chicken.

fibi 08-12-2004 15:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
that was excellent made all the office laugh!!!!!!:s_aim1:

fibi 08-12-2004 15:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Went to buy some camouflage pants today!!!


But couldn't find any!!!!!:p

Sparkologist 11-12-2004 10:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do."
He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.
Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue queer, what f**king planet are you from, and what do you want?"
And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please..." :eek: :D


See, the trucker was right first time. ;)


yerself 11-12-2004 14:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Paddy Vs Saddam

http://www.dodgy-scouser.com/jokes/safsepa.gif

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Sara 12-12-2004 09:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE

Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."

Bazf 12-12-2004 15:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy walking down the road sees a little man sitting on a rock with his head in his hands resting on his knees,

Are you a goblin?

No just tired.

lettie 13-12-2004 15:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.



He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him.

Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.



Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees :D


Sparkologist 14-12-2004 17:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Irish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And an hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied. :confused: :D

Sara 14-12-2004 17:57

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his >opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African >ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best >hospitality that Russia had to offer. > >On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your >stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional >game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is >loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull >the trigger." > >This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a >warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took >their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. > >Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of >relief. > >The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and >thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due >to visit his country the next year. > >When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with >all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a >private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time >for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the >Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning >and naked women. > >The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful >members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral >sex - take your pick". > >The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't >see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, >but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" > >With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: > >"One of them's a cannibal." >

staggeringman 14-12-2004 18:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 


A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."


Sara 16-12-2004 18:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: May I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.

Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers
please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.

Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car
please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is quite stunned.

Sergeant: My officer claims that you do not have driving license.

The woman digs into her hand bag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the second officer. The sergeant snaps open the clutch
purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner

Woman: I'll bet the lying ba-----d told you I was speeding, too.

The Moral of the Story: Women. Don't mess with them.

staggeringman 16-12-2004 19:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:D There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"


yerself 17-12-2004 18:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Job Description

http://www.dodgy-scouser.com/jokes/safsepa.gif

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...



Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Dave: - Oh !What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er.

staggeringman 17-12-2004 18:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!' :D

whitty 17-12-2004 19:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
What happens when you have dated a woman for longer than a year??


She Develops Dysons disease!

She makes a continuous whining noise and does not suck any more.

staggeringman 17-12-2004 19:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:D A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."


Less 25-12-2004 09:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There were three young boys they were best friends, one Church of England, One Catholic & the third was Jewish. They met up to play on Boxing Day the two Christian boys were talking about the wonderful presents that they had received the day before, then they realized their friend wasn't saying much, one of the Christians turned to him & said how sorry they were to be talking about something that the Jewish boy doesn't celebrate. The other young lad put on a beaming smile & said, "It's not a problem my family celebrate every Christmas".

This Surprised the Christians so they aked him how he celebrates Christmas, "well," he said, "as you know my Father owns the largest toy store in town, so every Christmas morning he puts the family into his Rolls Royce takes us down to the ware-house where we look at all the empty shelves sing two verses of we got a friend in Jesus, get back into the Rolls Royce and go and have Christmas Lunch at the best Restaurant in town!"

Sparkologist 30-12-2004 18:26

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This Joke of the Day thread has been far to quiet lately. Let's bring it back to life, eh? :p


The aircraft carrier U. S. S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.
He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"
The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."
Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.
The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"
"Seaman!" shouted the Captain. "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"
"Sir, that's my wife, Sir; and she wants to eat first!" :confused: ;) :D

Sparkologist 02-01-2005 08:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Bang goes my theory about gooseberry bushes... :p


Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees:


One day, father and son were talking...

Little Cyrus said, "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad replied, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
We made a network connection, and as soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and it was too late to hit the delete button.
As a result, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male." :D

staggeringman 03-01-2005 18:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.

Bazf 04-01-2005 17:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

slinky 06-01-2005 17:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
hahaha i like it

Tinkerbelle 06-01-2005 18:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
LOL!!! I like it!!!:D
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bazf
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


Sara 10-01-2005 16:57

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparkologist
This Joke of the Day thread has been far to quiet lately. Let's bring it back to life, eh? :p

Quite agree with you there Sparkologist. So here goes.


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

Sparkologist 10-01-2005 17:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Well, in reply to the request to rev up the Joke of the Day thread, here goes... :p


A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude." :D

lettie 10-01-2005 19:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The hospital psychiatrist was having a family session with four mothers and their children. He told the mothers that they all had obsessions. which they were continuing through their children and he was here to help and offer advice.
To the first he told her she was obsessed with money and so much he noted that she had called her child Penny and was to book an appointment with the bank manager as soon as possible

To the second he talked about her obsession with eating and pointed out to her it went so far that she had even called her child Candy.He told her to go see the dietician

To the third mother he suggested that she join AA to help overcome her obsession with alcohol and calling her child Brandy might not have been the best idea.

At this point the fourth mother takes her child by the hand and whispers to him "come on Dick lets go home" :D

Sparkologist 10-01-2005 19:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I apologise if this joke puts anyone off their tea. :rolleyes:
There were three guys hitchhiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.
One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?" Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.
The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."
The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."
The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?" :confused: :eek: :sick: :D

slinky 10-01-2005 21:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
omg dave that is funny even though this would happen to me NICE ONE MATE

Bazf 12-01-2005 02:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"


"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."







Sparkologist 13-01-2005 19:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This joke is for everyone who is young at heart.
It was their 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in their 70's, decided to relive the honeymoon.
When they arrived at the hotel where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people. They made there way up to the desk and were informed that there was a convention in town. Luckily they had made a reservation in advance requesting the same room. They went up to the room, unpacked, then went down into the dining room and had a fine meal; ordering the same food and wine and after dining returned to their room. The husband, as he had done before, ordered champagne from room service. As they were preparing for bed the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night? You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other and I jumped up right into your arms."
"How can I forget?" he said, "you looked so beautiful."
"Let's do it that way again."
"No way," he said, "we're to old for that foolishness now,"
"Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the window.
"Okay," he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go, and they ran at each other, and missed. She hit the door with a bang, and he went flying out the window. As luck would have it, the room was only on the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard boxes. He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt. He began looking around to see what he could find to cover himself with. There was nothing. Just then a bellhop came around the corner. He called him over and asked him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room.
The bellhop said, 'Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby."
"The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked."
"No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby. If we hurry no one will see you."
The old man said, "Where did all the people go?"
The bellhop answered, "Oh, they're all up on the second floor, watching the hotel doctor try to pry some old lady off a doorknob." :D

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A blond lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to
see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he
was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he
was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but
what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the
newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize
was to be outstanding in your field."

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting
in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.
During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor
asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blond sat in the chair. The
professor asked him to tell something of his life.
He began, "I think -"
The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio
blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is
carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her
disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that
she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to
within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her
on his *ss, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks
like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer
and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more
visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his *ss,
and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a
circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs
her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees
to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and
pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the
Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he
is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000
pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks
over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is
rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why
are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!" She is
laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out,
"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd
of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked
at the herd for a second and then replied "382." "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom jumping on his dad so he runs back into his room. His mom followed him and asks, "Whats wrong, sweetie?" The boy asks, "What were you doing to daddy?" So she says, "Well sweetie you know your daddy has gotten really fat, so I was just flattening his belly for him" The boy replies, "Well what is the point if the neighbor comes over after you leave for work and blows it back up again?"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind
them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd
like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the
bottom of the river."
The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it,"
said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing
hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. After
a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want
to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we
don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home.
She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this
television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response;
"Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated.
She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving
no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store,
she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase
this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman
replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she
cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and
even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well,
Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A blond couple goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical
reason for the decreased sex drive that has keep them celibate
recently. After tests, the doctor tells them that everything
is perfectly normal. He tells them that people married as long
as they have been typically just get bored, and need to think
of some creative ways of adding some spice to their sex life.
On her next visit to the mall, the wife recalls what the doctor
said, goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless
panties. She puts them on when she gets home and waits in the
bedroom for her husband to arrive. When the husband comes into the
bedroom, she points at herself and says, "You want some of this?"
His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In
the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The
lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonds laying sod
across the street."

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning,
as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed
the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the
phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't
get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess
replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices
to international competition. However, all had excelled during the
early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first
match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun
sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy
finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished
less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde,
who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the
lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other
women were using their arms!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on
and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the
headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback
- but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned
and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever
you do ... don't touch the headphones." "No problem," said the
hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the
restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't
forget - don't touch the headphones," said the blonde. Well, just as
the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted
one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on
the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her," screamed
the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out...
breathe in...breathe out."

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blond guys were facing execution via
firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader
said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunettes yelled, "Earthquake!!!"
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to
figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all
took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next,
and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redheads
yelled, "Tornado!!!" The firing squad looked around anxiously and while
they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from,
the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blond
guys last, and by now the blonds had it all figured out; when the right time
came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing
squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blond guys all yelled out, "Fire!!!"

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:25

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he
shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows
his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks
her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a
picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up
with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think
hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,
that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while
I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Beccas_Baby 17-01-2005 00:26

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally - occurring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphragm - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-Jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

Mick 20-01-2005 14:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
vampire walks into a bar and asks for a glass of hot water. The barman says "i thought vampires only drunk blood" the vampire replies "they do, but i found a used tampon and fancied a brew!.........

Sara 21-01-2005 16:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Oh Mick that is disgusting, right put me of my tea. Now i wonder where i left my mobile.

Sparkologist 22-01-2005 11:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The only thing I can say is, it made me laugh. :p


This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when all of a sudden around the corner comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section.
Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it thru' the back wall of a large jewellery store, smashing a massive hole in the wall.
The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening.
The gang are into the jewellers and out again with all the loot, load up the elephant and with all the alarm bells ringing the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket.
Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there stunned.
"OK sir, can you tell us exactly what happened here?"
"Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right through that brick wall."
"Been drinking, have we sir?"
"I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you."
"Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please."
"I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off, I've never seen anything like it in my life."
"Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
He said, "How the f*ck do I know? it had a stocking over it's head!" :rofl38:



Sparkologist 23-01-2005 13:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I like pussies. Do you like pussies too? Would you like me to tell you a joke about pussies? Aww, go on then! :p


Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.
The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat."
The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese."
The third cat still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?"
She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time." :D

slinky 23-01-2005 23:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A woman is on ward 8 recovering from a fanny tuck when she recieves three bunches of flowers, one off her husband, one of the surgeon and one off eric on the burns unit thanking her for his new ears:p

Mick 29-01-2005 17:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

Busman747 29-01-2005 22:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.

The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

>"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"

A little French Chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid,

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous

>German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the

little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just goes to show.

>.

>.

>.

>.

>.

(Wait for it)

>.

>.

>.

>.

>.

>.

(Sorry about this)

>.

>.

>.

>.

>.

>.

That Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais, with mild green hairy lip squid

Sparkologist 30-01-2005 00:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Dear oh dear, Busman. That little green hairy-lipped squid wasn't the only one that cringed during that joke! :rolleyes: ;) :D :thumbsup:

lettie 01-02-2005 08:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is
standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you
tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Madam, I'm
completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She
doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."


She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all
that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like
a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then
realizes there
is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man
rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for £44. How did you get to £58.50?
" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and
reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
:D



Darby 01-02-2005 10:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lettie
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is
standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you
tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Madam, I'm
completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She
doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."


She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all
that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like
a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then
realizes there
is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man
rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for £44. How did you get to £58.50?
" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and
reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
:D




:D :D :D :D :D :D :D ....Like it!!!!!!!!!!

IMY 01-02-2005 10:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
lol that is a good one

IMY 01-02-2005 10:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats.

The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has
seen, she dresses Quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mum puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."

;) ;)

Terry 01-02-2005 11:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
After a heavy night on the town, Paddie staggered into his local church and sat down in the confessional. The priest notices and goes into the one next door. After a few minutes of silence the priest bangs on the partition to get Paddies attention. Paddie says to him 'It's no good banging mate, there's no paper in here either'

Busman747 01-02-2005 15:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by IMY
A little boy walks into..... ;) ;)

Nice one IMY..:D

Busman747 01-02-2005 15:25

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two Italians In The U.S.A.

An elderly American woman overhears a conversation between two Italian immigrants. One is saying to the other:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

The elderly woman hits out at the two men ferociously with her umbrella and says "You are disgusting! How can you talk about such things openly in public?"

One of them turns to her and says:
"Wassa da matter? alla I askin my friend is howa ya spell
Mississippi"

Dean 07-02-2005 12:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
nice...............

slinky 08-02-2005 09:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
hahahahahha nice one:D

Bazf 09-02-2005 21:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Rules of Bedroom Golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally one club and two balls)


2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.



slinky 09-02-2005 22:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
hehehehe nice one Bazf:rofl38: :wave8:

slinky 14-02-2005 15:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman .
For the final test , the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. '' we must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find..............your wife!! sitting in a chair, kill her!!''. The man gasped and said '' I can't kill my own wife!!'', the agent replied ''well you are not the person we are looking for, take your wife and go home''.


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun entered the room and all was quiet for five minutes then he came out of the room and stood there with tears in his eyes, the man said '' I tried but I just could'nt kill my wife, I love her''. The agent replied ''well you are not the person we are looking for, take your wife and go home''.

Finally it came to the womans turn. She was given the same instructions as the men, to go in and kill her husband. She took the gun and entered the room. Shots were heard, one after the other, then there was loud crashing and banging against the door and walls then, everything went quiet and the door opened slowly. The woman appeared with sweat dripping from her brow, the agent asked ''well??'' The woman replied '' that gun was firing blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair''.

MORAL: woman are evil, don't mess with us!!!!!

Tinkerbelle 14-02-2005 15:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: Nice one!! Now i know why you saved it for on here lol!!

Sara 14-02-2005 16:54

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Who says women are evil?

janet 14-02-2005 17:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Excellent Stuff Slinky.:alright:

Busman747 23-02-2005 16:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An attractive young woman walks up to a bar in a rural pub. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks running her fingers through his hair. "No" he replies "Can you get him for me?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip seductively into his mouth so he can suck them gently "No, sorry" he replies, clearly aroused, "Can I give him a message?"

"Yes" she says, "Tell him there's no toilet roll in the ladies!""http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3125&stc=1

slinky 23-02-2005 16:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Busman747
An attractive young woman walks up to a bar in a rural pub. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks running her fingers through his hair. "No" he replies "Can you get him for me?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip seductively into his mouth so he can suck them gently "No, sorry" he replies, clearly aroused, "Can I give him a message?"

"Yes" she says, "Tell him there's no toilet roll in the ladies!""http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3125&stc=1

omg that is sooooooooo.........................funny pmsfl (might try that if anyone crosses me)

Sparkologist 23-02-2005 17:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Even Mr Tealeaf would have to try hard to offend more folks than this joke in one sitting. :rolleyes:

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye," he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are, Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that"
"Well, the board have decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete Google Page Ranking*ck to be a Scotsman!" :D

Go on, Mr Tealeaf, Sir. Let's see if you can out perform this. ;)

Busman747 24-02-2005 10:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Groaner





A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepestdreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "





Wait for it.








It's coming.






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says :



"You just happened to catch my eye. "


(oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them! )



__________________

slinky 24-02-2005 10:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
lmfao rabbit!!:eek:

Busman747 24-02-2005 10:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and
all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy," said the teacher.

Oh no, here's little Johnny with his hand up.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the
blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


__________________




Veecore 24-02-2005 10:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

slinky 24-02-2005 10:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Veecore
Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

hehehehehe the silly one's are always the funniest!!

Dean 24-02-2005 12:16

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by IMY
A little boy walks into his parents room.......

nice one IMY

Busman747 25-02-2005 22:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Irish toast.......

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"




That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"



John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."




She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


MITZY 26-02-2005 20:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Another Joke
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh , c'mon , I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before , he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh , surprise -- out popped a genie.
The genie asked , as genies will , “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second , then replied , “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish , and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process , the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said , “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof , he was there.
Then the government worker -- or , as I like to call him , civil servant -- decided on his third wish , “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

slinky 01-03-2005 00:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
http://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gifhttp://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gifhttp://www.jokes.com/images/buttons/btn_yellow_next.gifhttp://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gif
Lunch time
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.

The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off." The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off." They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!"

slinky 01-03-2005 00:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

slinky 01-03-2005 00:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
http://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gifhttp://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gifhttp://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gif
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren''t real.

slinky 01-03-2005 00:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
You Can Take it With You
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Dean 02-03-2005 10:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
lmao.........

Dean 02-03-2005 10:25

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man walked into a bar with a bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the bar. The bartender asked "What's in the bag?"

The man reached into the bag and pulled out a small piano and stool and put them on the bar. He again reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot tall and set him on the counter. He sat down at the piano and played a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" said the bartender.
The man responded by again reaching into his bag and pulling out a magic lamp. He handed the lamp to the bartender and said "Here, rub it."

The bartender rubbed the lamp and there was a gust of smoke and a genie stood before him. "I will grant you ONE wish only" said the genie.

The bartender got excited and without hesitation said "I want a million bucks".
A few moments later a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon the bar was filled with ducks, and they kept coming.

The bartender turned to the man and said "I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know." said the man; "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

slinky 03-03-2005 20:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The FIFA BOARD has decided that girls should be GOALKEEPERS for the SOCCER WORLD CUP, because, no matter how wide open they are they never let the balls in.:p

Sparkologist 04-03-2005 17:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.
The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"
Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!" :eek: :D

Sparkologist 04-03-2005 18:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured."
The psychologist explains. "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug." :D
Come on now, hands up, who was debating whether to use the spoon or the cup to empty the bath? :rolleyes:


rockrabbit 07-03-2005 18:45

boob joke
 
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don'tget some supportsoon, people will think we're nuts."


five tips for women
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.



shiny gem 07-03-2005 18:46

Re: boob joke
 
lmao!!!!!!!

Busman747 07-03-2005 21:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 



A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married ."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Busman747 07-03-2005 23:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Tell me this won't happen to us!!! Wishful thinking!
_______________________________________

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.


One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in,
"So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________

SUPERSEX

An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

"I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.


To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________

DOWN AT THE
RETIREMENTCENTER


80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"


An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."


Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_________________________________ ______

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went
on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"




WillowTheWhisp 08-03-2005 09:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two drunks staggering down the street singing at the tops of their voices, finally stop outside a house where they increase their volume yet further with renditions of "Nelly Dean" and "I did it my way"

An upstairs window opens and a woman leans out.

"Fred Smith! You get inside here this instant! Showing me up in front of the whole neighbourhood!

And as for you Joe Brown your wife will not be pleased to see you in that condition!"

There is a pause in the singing. The two men look at each other and then up at the woman.

"Well?" she continues "Are you coming inside or staying out there all night?"

The two drunks look at her again in silence and then at each other.

One of them finally speaks "Can you tell us which one of us is Fred?"

yerself 08-03-2005 18:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of A Bitch!

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"

"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's din ner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You buggers are my kind of people!"

Busman747 16-03-2005 09:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
midnight.
Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."


> 2 young boys are in their room... "You know what?" says the first boy, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The other nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you, ok?" "Ok!" they agree with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the first boy what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the remaining boy and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fxxxxxx Coco Pops."



> A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?




slinky 16-03-2005 09:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
GOOD STUFF lamo ''GOT ANY BREAD??''.


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