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Re: Joke Of The Day
The real 3 bears story
This should put an end to the Three Bears conflict.... Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells... For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Why did the pervert cross the road?
'cos his d**k was still in the chicken. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
that was excellent made all the office laugh!!!!!!:s_aim1:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Went to buy some camouflage pants today!!!
But couldn't find any!!!!!:p |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man. "Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls. So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue queer, what f**king planet are you from, and what do you want?" And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please..." :eek: :D See, the trucker was right first time. ;) |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Paddy Vs Saddam
http://www.dodgy-scouser.com/jokes/safsepa.gif Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!" Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke." "Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that" says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
WOMEN'S REVENGE
Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A guy walking down the road sees a little man sitting on a rock with his head in his hands resting on his knees,
Are you a goblin? No just tired. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage. He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage. Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The Irish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?" She agreed. And an hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..." "What did you get?" he interrupted. "Tuna," she replied. :confused: :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his >opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African >ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best >hospitality that Russia had to offer. > >On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your >stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional >game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is >loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull >the trigger." > >This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a >warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took >their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. > >Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of >relief. > >The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and >thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due >to visit his country the next year. > >When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with >all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a >private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time >for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the >Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning >and naked women. > >The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful >members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral >sex - take your pick". > >The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't >see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, >but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" > >With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: > >"One of them's a cannibal." >
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: May I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times. Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please? Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please? The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is quite stunned. Sergeant: My officer claims that you do not have driving license. The woman digs into her hand bag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The sergeant snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner Woman: I'll bet the lying ba-----d told you I was speeding, too. The Moral of the Story: Women. Don't mess with them. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
:D There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Job Description
http://www.dodgy-scouser.com/jokes/safsepa.gif Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit... Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder... Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession ! Dave: - Oh !What's that then ? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Dave: - Me? Never Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life ! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?' The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?' The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?' Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?' The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!' :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
What happens when you have dated a woman for longer than a year??
She Develops Dysons disease! She makes a continuous whining noise and does not suck any more. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
:D A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches." "Why?" he asked. "'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy. "I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me." Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place. "You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too." "Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
There were three young boys they were best friends, one Church of England, One Catholic & the third was Jewish. They met up to play on Boxing Day the two Christian boys were talking about the wonderful presents that they had received the day before, then they realized their friend wasn't saying much, one of the Christians turned to him & said how sorry they were to be talking about something that the Jewish boy doesn't celebrate. The other young lad put on a beaming smile & said, "It's not a problem my family celebrate every Christmas".
This Surprised the Christians so they aked him how he celebrates Christmas, "well," he said, "as you know my Father owns the largest toy store in town, so every Christmas morning he puts the family into his Rolls Royce takes us down to the ware-house where we look at all the empty shelves sing two verses of we got a friend in Jesus, get back into the Rolls Royce and go and have Christmas Lunch at the best Restaurant in town!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
This Joke of the Day thread has been far to quiet lately. Let's bring it back to life, eh? :p
The aircraft carrier U. S. S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!" "Seaman!" shouted the Captain. "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?" "Sir, that's my wife, Sir; and she wants to eat first!" :confused: ;) :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Bang goes my theory about gooseberry bushes... :p Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees: One day, father and son were talking... Little Cyrus said, "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad replied, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. We made a network connection, and as soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and it was too late to hit the delete button. As a result, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male." :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls. Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples. Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute. Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall. Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw. Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper. Height of Technology: Condom with zip. Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
hahaha i like it
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Re: Joke Of The Day
LOL!!! I like it!!!:D
Quote:
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Quote:
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Well, in reply to the request to rev up the Joke of the Day thread, here goes... :p
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!" The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS." Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!" Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude." :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The hospital psychiatrist was having a family session with four mothers and their children. He told the mothers that they all had obsessions. which they were continuing through their children and he was here to help and offer advice.
To the first he told her she was obsessed with money and so much he noted that she had called her child Penny and was to book an appointment with the bank manager as soon as possible To the second he talked about her obsession with eating and pointed out to her it went so far that she had even called her child Candy.He told her to go see the dietician To the third mother he suggested that she join AA to help overcome her obsession with alcohol and calling her child Brandy might not have been the best idea. At this point the fourth mother takes her child by the hand and whispers to him "come on Dick lets go home" :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
I apologise if this joke puts anyone off their tea. :rolleyes: There were three guys hitchhiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow. One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?" Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink. The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full." The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full." The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right." The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk." The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?" :confused: :eek: :sick: :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
omg dave that is funny even though this would happen to me NICE ONE MATE
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Re: Joke Of The Day
AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
This joke is for everyone who is young at heart. It was their 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in their 70's, decided to relive the honeymoon. When they arrived at the hotel where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people. They made there way up to the desk and were informed that there was a convention in town. Luckily they had made a reservation in advance requesting the same room. They went up to the room, unpacked, then went down into the dining room and had a fine meal; ordering the same food and wine and after dining returned to their room. The husband, as he had done before, ordered champagne from room service. As they were preparing for bed the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night? You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other and I jumped up right into your arms." "How can I forget?" he said, "you looked so beautiful." "Let's do it that way again." "No way," he said, "we're to old for that foolishness now," "Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the window. "Okay," he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go, and they ran at each other, and missed. She hit the door with a bang, and he went flying out the window. As luck would have it, the room was only on the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard boxes. He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt. He began looking around to see what he could find to cover himself with. There was nothing. Just then a bellhop came around the corner. He called him over and asked him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room. The bellhop said, 'Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby." "The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked." "No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby. If we hurry no one will see you." The old man said, "Where did all the people go?" The bellhop answered, "Oh, they're all up on the second floor, watching the hotel doctor try to pry some old lady off a doorknob." :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A blond lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to
see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting
in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blond sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
There's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his *ss, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his *ss, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382." "Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" |
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Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die" "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed." On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." |
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A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom jumping on his dad so he runs back into his room. His mom followed him and asks, "Whats wrong, sweetie?" The boy asks, "What were you doing to daddy?" So she says, "Well sweetie you know your daddy has gotten really fat, so I was just flattening his belly for him" The boy replies, "Well what is the point if the neighbor comes over after you leave for work and blows it back up again?"
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Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!" |
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A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. After
a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!" |
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A blond couple goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical
reason for the decreased sex drive that has keep them celibate recently. After tests, the doctor tells them that everything is perfectly normal. He tells them that people married as long as they have been typically just get bored, and need to think of some creative ways of adding some spice to their sex life. On her next visit to the mall, the wife recalls what the doctor said, goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless panties. She puts them on when she gets home and waits in the bedroom for her husband to arrive. When the husband comes into the bedroom, she points at herself and says, "You want some of this?" His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties!" |
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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In
the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonds laying sod across the street." |
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
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The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices
to international competition. However, all had excelled during the early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde, who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other women were using their arms!" |
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A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on
and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones." "No problem," said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones," said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her," screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out." |
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Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blond guys were facing execution via
firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunettes yelled, "Earthquake!!!" The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redheads yelled, "Tornado!!!" The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blond guys last, and by now the blonds had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blond guys all yelled out, "Fire!!!" |
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A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." |
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Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally - occurring yearly Artery - study of paintings Bacteria - back door of cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails Benign - what you be after you be eight Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U Caesarian section - district in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - sheep dog Coma - a punctuation mark Condom - small apartment complex Congenital - friendly D+C - where Washington is Diaphragm - drawing in geometry Diarrhea - journal of daily events Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set Fester - quicker Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke" Fibula - a small lie Genitals - people of non-Jewish origins G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game Grippe - suitcase Hangnail - coat hook Impotent - distinguished, well known Intense pain - torture in a teepee Labor pain - got hurt at work Medical staff - doctor's cane Menopause - button on the VHS remote control Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels Morbid - higher offer Nitrates - cheaper than day rates Node - was aware of Outpatient - person who had fainted Pap smear - fatherhood test Pelvis - cousin of Elvis Post operative - letter carrier Protein - favoring young people Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em Recovery room - place to do upholstery Rheumatic - amorous Scar - rolled tobacco leaf Scrotum - small planet near Uranus Secretion - hiding anything Seizure - Roman emperor Serology - study of knighthood Tablet - small tablet Terminal illness - sickness at airport Testicles - found on an octopus Tibia - country in North Africa Tumor - an extra pair Umbilical chord - part of a parachute Urine - opposite of you're out Vagina - heart trouble Varicose - located nearby Vein - conceited Vulva - automobile from Sweden |
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vampire walks into a bar and asks for a glass of hot water. The barman says "i thought vampires only drunk blood" the vampire replies "they do, but i found a used tampon and fancied a brew!.........
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Oh Mick that is disgusting, right put me of my tea. Now i wonder where i left my mobile.
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The only thing I can say is, it made me laugh. :p
This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when all of a sudden around the corner comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section. Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it thru' the back wall of a large jewellery store, smashing a massive hole in the wall. The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening. The gang are into the jewellers and out again with all the loot, load up the elephant and with all the alarm bells ringing the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket. Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there stunned. "OK sir, can you tell us exactly what happened here?" "Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right through that brick wall." "Been drinking, have we sir?" "I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you." "Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please." "I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off, I've never seen anything like it in my life." "Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?" He said, "How the f*ck do I know? it had a stocking over it's head!" :rofl38: |
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I like pussies. Do you like pussies too? Would you like me to tell you a joke about pussies? Aww, go on then! :p
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time." :D |
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A woman is on ward 8 recovering from a fanny tuck when she recieves three bunches of flowers, one off her husband, one of the surgeon and one off eric on the burns unit thanking her for his new ears:p
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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.
One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish." |
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A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.
The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. >"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French Chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid, "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous >German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just goes to show. >. >. >. >. >. (Wait for it) >. >. >. >. >. >. (Sorry about this) >. >. >. >. >. >. That Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais, with mild green hairy lip squid |
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Dear oh dear, Busman. That little green hairy-lipped squid wasn't the only one that cringed during that joke! :rolleyes: ;) :D :thumbsup:
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A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
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:D :D :D :D :D :D :D ....Like it!!!!!!!!!! |
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lol that is a good one
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A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats.
The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses Quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it." "Your wasting your time," say's the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mum puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again." ;) ;) |
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After a heavy night on the town, Paddie staggered into his local church and sat down in the confessional. The priest notices and goes into the one next door. After a few minutes of silence the priest bangs on the partition to get Paddies attention. Paddie says to him 'It's no good banging mate, there's no paper in here either'
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Two Italians In The U.S.A. An elderly American woman overhears a conversation between two Italian immigrants. One is saying to the other: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." The elderly woman hits out at the two men ferociously with her umbrella and says "You are disgusting! How can you talk about such things openly in public?" One of them turns to her and says: "Wassa da matter? alla I askin my friend is howa ya spell Mississippi" |
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nice...............
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hahahahahha nice one:D
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Rules of Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally one club and two balls) 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. 16. Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. |
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hehehehe nice one Bazf:rofl38: :wave8:
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman .
For the final test , the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. '' we must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find..............your wife!! sitting in a chair, kill her!!''. The man gasped and said '' I can't kill my own wife!!'', the agent replied ''well you are not the person we are looking for, take your wife and go home''. The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun entered the room and all was quiet for five minutes then he came out of the room and stood there with tears in his eyes, the man said '' I tried but I just could'nt kill my wife, I love her''. The agent replied ''well you are not the person we are looking for, take your wife and go home''. Finally it came to the womans turn. She was given the same instructions as the men, to go in and kill her husband. She took the gun and entered the room. Shots were heard, one after the other, then there was loud crashing and banging against the door and walls then, everything went quiet and the door opened slowly. The woman appeared with sweat dripping from her brow, the agent asked ''well??'' The woman replied '' that gun was firing blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair''. MORAL: woman are evil, don't mess with us!!!!! |
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:rofl38: Nice one!! Now i know why you saved it for on here lol!!
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Who says women are evil?
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Excellent Stuff Slinky.:alright:
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An attractive young woman walks up to a bar in a rural pub. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.
"Are you the Manager?" she asks running her fingers through his hair. "No" he replies "Can you get him for me?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip seductively into his mouth so he can suck them gently "No, sorry" he replies, clearly aroused, "Can I give him a message?" "Yes" she says, "Tell him there's no toilet roll in the ladies!""http://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/a...tid=3125&stc=1 |
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Even Mr Tealeaf would have to try hard to offend more folks than this joke in one sitting. :rolleyes:
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye," he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are, Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" "Well, the board have decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete Google Page Ranking*ck to be a Scotsman!" :D Go on, Mr Tealeaf, Sir. Let's see if you can out perform this. ;) |
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Groaner A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepestdreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . " Wait for it. It's coming. The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says : "You just happened to catch my eye. " (oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them! ) __________________ |
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lmfao rabbit!!:eek:
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy," said the teacher. Oh no, here's little Johnny with his hand up. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't f**k with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." __________________ |
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Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo! |
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Irish toast.......
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Another Joke
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh , c'mon , I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before , he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh , surprise -- out popped a genie. The genie asked , as genies will , “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second , then replied , “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish , and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process , the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said , “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof , he was there. Then the government worker -- or , as I like to call him , civil servant -- decided on his third wish , “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
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Lunch time There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building. The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off." The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off." They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
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Perfect Man, Perfect Woman There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas. Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren''t real. |
Re: Joke Of The Day
You Can Take it With You
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
lmao.........
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A man walked into a bar with a bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the bar. The bartender asked "What's in the bag?"
The man reached into the bag and pulled out a small piano and stool and put them on the bar. He again reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot tall and set him on the counter. He sat down at the piano and played a beautiful piece by Mozart. "Where on earth did you get that?" said the bartender. The man responded by again reaching into his bag and pulling out a magic lamp. He handed the lamp to the bartender and said "Here, rub it." The bartender rubbed the lamp and there was a gust of smoke and a genie stood before him. "I will grant you ONE wish only" said the genie. The bartender got excited and without hesitation said "I want a million bucks". A few moments later a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon the bar was filled with ducks, and they kept coming. The bartender turned to the man and said "I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "I know." said the man; "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The FIFA BOARD has decided that girls should be GOALKEEPERS for the SOCCER WORLD CUP, because, no matter how wide open they are they never let the balls in.:p
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous." "We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her. Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away. "Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked. The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!" Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!" :eek: :D |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured." The psychologist explains. "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub." "I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster." . . . . . . . . . . . "Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug." :D Come on now, hands up, who was debating whether to use the spoon or the cup to empty the bath? :rolleyes: |
boob joke
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don'tget some supportsoon, people will think we're nuts." five tips for women 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. |
Re: boob joke
lmao!!!!!!!
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married ." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral." |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Tell me this won't happen to us!!! Wishful thinking!
_______________________________________ An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _______________________________________ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________________________________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________ SUPERSEX An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________ ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. To get my teeth!" _______________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _______________________________________ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _________________________________ ______ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ______________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
Two drunks staggering down the street singing at the tops of their voices, finally stop outside a house where they increase their volume yet further with renditions of "Nelly Dean" and "I did it my way"
An upstairs window opens and a woman leans out. "Fred Smith! You get inside here this instant! Showing me up in front of the whole neighbourhood! And as for you Joe Brown your wife will not be pleased to see you in that condition!" There is a pause in the singing. The two men look at each other and then up at the woman. "Well?" she continues "Are you coming inside or staying out there all night?" The two drunks look at her again in silence and then at each other. One of them finally speaks "Can you tell us which one of us is Fred?" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of A Bitch! "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!" "Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's din ner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You buggers are my kind of people!" |
Re: Joke Of The Day
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." > 2 young boys are in their room... "You know what?" says the first boy, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The other nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you, ok?" "Ok!" they agree with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the first boy what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the remaining boy and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fxxxxxx Coco Pops." > A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread? |
Re: Joke Of The Day
GOOD STUFF lamo ''GOT ANY BREAD??''.
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